Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to Evangelion...well, maybe the box set, and a few other things, but for the most part, I really don't own the rights to Eva. Please don't try to sue me, I'd hate to become a pantless writer. Thanks!
Shinji Ikari blinked. "Another unfamil….wait. The ceiling looks like the one in my room!" He rolled himself off of the futon that he was on, and stood up. "This looks like the apartment…but its missing something. It…doesn't feel like home." He walked into the kitchen area. "Misato…Pen-Pen…Asuka? Anybody?" There was no answer, the apartment was silent. "Guys, this isn't funny! Hello? Hello?" The apartment was starting to fade in color.
What is going on here? This has certainly been a strange day…what with them wanting to 'become one' with me…now this. I don't know what scares me more.
He walked to the apartment door. Surely Kaji or Ritsuko could explain what was going on. He pushed the button that opened the door, but instead of being welcomed by the cool evening air, he saw before him a reddened rail car, with only two passengers, Asuka, who sat slumped forward where she sat, and Misato, directly across from her, a stern look on her face, but a hint of sadness in her eyes.
Shinji, meanwhile blinked. What was unfolding before him was so far out of his daily routine that it failed to shock him. Instead, he stood quietly, getting ready to interrupt the argument that was surely going on.
"Misato, what is going on here?" There was no answer, not even a hint that she had noticed anything Shinji had said. "Misato?" She still did not answer. He walked over, and reached out to shake her shoulder. "Misato?" To his surprise, his hands passed directly through Misato's shoulder.
What the hell?Maybe Asuka can see me…
"Asuka…something's wrong here…can you see me?" Again, there was no hint that she noticed him. "Asuka…Asuka? This isn't funny!" He reached out towards her, but again, there was no response, and his hands passed through her.
Am I dead? Did the Angel kill me? Is this all a judgment or something?
"No, no, and yes." Came the reply, which seemed to echo from all directions.
"What? Show yourself! What are you? What are you doing?"
"Unfortunately, I cannot show myself, as my physical form was robbed from me. By the purest chance of luck, I have found myself embedded inside of your conscious, against my will, and surely against yours."
"What are you talking about? What are you?" Shinji asked, panic starting to get the better of him.
"I am known by many names, but you will probably know me as the 14th Angel. My name is Zeruel, at your service."
"At my service? Last I saw of you, you tried to kill me!"
"However, the circumstances have changed. You have defeated me in battle, oh brave warrior. And at the moment, there is a slim possibility that you will live, even with my experience and help."
"What the hell are you talking about? Is this related to the judgement?"
"Yes, although it is not a judgement handed down from above, it is one that will have to be made by you. All that you see around you is your reality, a reality that you have chosen for yourself."
"But I don't want this reality! I'm afraid of it!"
"Yes, however, changing this reality is as simple as changing your mind."
"How is that possible?"
"Because, as a nightmare is reality to the person that experiences it, so is this reality that you are currently experiencing."
"So…this reality is just a dream, it is as simple as waking up?"
"Unfortunately for you, no. You are not simply sleeping, you are in Room 303 of the NERV Cranial Division, locked in a deep coma with a three percent chance of waking. This rail car that you currently stand in, it is only a representation of what you perceived to be going on in the room at the time. Both people currently in this car are indeed in the room at the moment, and have just had an argument about what is happening. You perceived the argument even in your state of deep withdrawal from the world, and constructed this reality from what you perceived."
"What?"
"Simply put, even in the depths of your coma, you understood there was an argument going on around you. When you returned to a state of self-consciousness, you constructed this reality to help you interpret what was going on around you."
"I think I understand. Now for another question, how did you get inside of my mind?"
"This happened through no will of my own. I would prefer that my journey ended when you killed me."
"But if I killed you, what are you doing here?"
"The self, it is composed of two selves, the one which is observed, and the one which observes."
Shinji cut in. "I know that! That's what the 12th said to me. Why is it so important?"
"Because it relates directly to your existence and my existence now. Let me explain. As you know, the self is split into two parts. As soon as you met me, against my will, a new self of me was created, because I was observed by you. Somehow, when you killed me, the self of me that you observed became the self of me that observes."
"What the hell are you talking about?!?"
"Simply, when you killed me, my soul became part of yours. This vessel has two selves now, and when in this form, can only function with one. Because I became a part of you, this body, this brain cannot decide which one of us makes up its self."
"So, because there are two mes, me and you, my brain can't decide which of us is the true me, and has shut down?"
Shinji felt what could've been a smile, if not for the fact that Zeruel was not in a form that could smile. "Yes. That is pretty much the basis of what is going on."
"So, if I were to be able to wake up again, then one of us would have to cease to exist?"
"Correct, although there is a possibility that one of us takes the other into themselves, melding two selves into one. My memories would become your memories, and vice versa. None of us would remember that the other existed, save for the memories that we had of the other."
"So, we would each remember the other's past lives as if the memories were our own, as if we had lived the other's life?"
"Yes, in a roundabout way. However, even though there would be two sets of memories, there would only be one self inside this vessel. The self that you currently know as your self, and the self that I currently know as my self, would cease to exist. There would be one self, born from the ashes of our selves."
"I don't understand, what does that mean?"
"You would cease to recognize yourself as Shinji Ikari, and I would cease to recognize myself as Zeruel. There would be a new being created, bound only by the memories of the two former selves. It would be…similar….to a reincarnation. We would probably not remember our past lives, although the memories are still there, buried deep. I can not even guarantee that your physical form would stay the same."
"But if my self were to die, what kind of life is that? I would exist, yet not exist at all!"
"That is something that you must decide for yourself. The mind, it is a very funny thing. If you exist, but don't recognize the fact that you are existing, does that mean that you really exist?"
"What?"
"Consider the bacteria. It exists, right?"
"Yes."
"However, it has no means to recognize the fact that it exists, correct? The bacteria does not possess a mind, so it has no way to prove that it exists."
"I guess so…"
"So, it lives, but has no way to prove that it exists, does it exist?"
"It's a 50/50 chance. Yes or no."
"Correct, many a creature has vanished in a puff of logic as such."
"How?"
"As you said, it is a 50/50 chance. What if the answer is no?"
"But its right there! How can the answer be no?"
"But you said it yourself, there is a 50/50 chance that it exists. If the answer is no, a paradox opens. However…nevermind, this is not really relevant to the situation at hand. It is more important that we fix the problem at hand. Either one of us must leave, under the pain of non-existence, or we must find a way to co-exist, as one mind and soul."
"But I thought that you had wished for your journey to end when I killed you?"
"Perhaps, but the survival instinct is hard-wired into the self. I may wish to die, but my self doesn't."
"But aren't they one and the same?"
"Yes and no. The self exists as one, but within that self, live a variety of other selves."
"So, within me, there are many different selves, so even if I wish to die, the other selves within me don't?"
"Yes."
"But then how is this self the dominant self?"
"Because it is your self. The other selves that make up the self, are your perceptions of those around you. The better you know a person, then the bigger share that self comes to hold in your entire self."
"So, my self, its not entirely me. Its also the people that around me?"
"In a manner of speaking, yes. However, it not the other people that make up those selves, it is your perception of them."
"So, even though I want to die, the other selves within me don't want to, because I perceive the people that make them up as wanting me to live?"
"You understand."
"So, there are parts of my identity that I have no control of whatsoever?"
"No, you are able to control your identity, and bend it to you whenever you please."
"But if a major part of my self is made up of my perceptions of others, then how can I control it?"
"You may control what you perceive of other people, by selectively blocking information, or ignoring the other selves completely. How else do you think some suicidal people go through with their acts? Some of them do have others that love them, but they block out those selves, or allow them to become distorted perceptions."
"Then how come you won't allow yourself to die, even though you have the means to cease existing now?"
"Because some of those selves…no longer have a self that observe, all that remain are my perceptions of them. If I were to die now, then I would be doing a dishonor to those people."
"But you're an Angel! How could you know other people?"
"The Angels aren't the aliens you think them as. They come from Earth, they are alternate forms that humans could have taken. Some of them, yes, they were born that way. However, there are others…some of the humans you know, they have discovered that they aren't bound by the forms they were born in."
"So you're saying…that people can turn themselves into Angels?"
"No, they are not able to turn their bodies into Angels. What I should have said is that their self, it is not bound to the form of a human. They are able to split their self into many selves. However, as you are learning, two observing selves are not able to be contained in the same vessel. Some of those humans that have learned they can split their self, have not always been able to form a new vessel for the new self. You have known of these people all your life, people inadvertently split their self, and have not realized the way to create a new vessel. They slip into a coma, and do not come out of it until they realize one of three options. They must either form the new vessel, reform one self, or die. There is no other alternative."
"And that's what is going on in this situation. One of us either has to create a new vessel, merge with the other, or die."
"Yes. Now that you understand the basis of what is going on around here, I will meditate, and get into contact with the Creator. It will may be able to tell me how we proceed. Please, feel free to observe the world around us. There may be clues that are given as to what we do from here. Perhaps…perhaps you will learn something of others' perceptions of you."
"But how? No one would visit me in the hospital! Misato only visited because of her job! Asuka was probably dragged in by Misato to make fun of! I'm not worthy of their respect."
"Perhaps…but maybe you should use the time to take a look at your identity, your self. You aren't as weak, you aren't as unworthy of love and respect as you think. Now, I must meditate, please, do not disturb me, if you do, we may lose our only way out of this situation."
Shinji looked at the floor of the railroad car, but saw it slowly dissolving into a fog. But almost as suddenly as the fog appeared, it began to disappear, fading into the hospital room that Shinji had come to know so well. And as the room appeared, Shinji felt his free form becoming bound. As much as he tried to move, he could not. Zeruel's presence grew again.
"I'm sorry Shinji, I must continue to use part of your brain to continue existing, and as a result, you are not able to completely take the body back. I hope this is not inconvenient."
"No, not at all. You have as much right to exist as I do."
Zeruel gave off another sensation of a grin. "Shinji Ikari…thank you."
Wow, I almost confused myself writing this. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this story, even though it is a bit unconventional. The goal here is to try to recreate Instrumentality, albeit in a different circumstance. I have the beginnings of a long term plan for this story laid out, and I hope that I can bring this project to completion. For you loyal fans of 'Take A Friend', don't worry, I plan on working on that on the side, just suffering a bit of writer's block on that story. Ironically, this was started to relieve some of that block, and it goes and becomes my main story. Anyway, enough of my rambling...see you in the next chapter.
There will be more confusing stuff too! (And maybe a little fanservice...)