Disclaimer: Lets go over this again. This is Eva, a multi-million dollar franchise, and I am a writer. If I'm here writing fanfiction, you can guess that I don't have enough money to own Eva.
Rei Ayanami stood in her apartment. On the floor lay a pair of shattered glasses, broken glass cups, and used bandages. She looked down in contempt at the two small yellow pills she held in her hand. Her life was hers to live, and nobody else's. She had realized it, and it was in no small part to Shinji. She opened the front door, and looked out over the balcony. Construction sites, piledrivers hammering, open pits greeted her eyes and ears. She took the pills and threw them off into the void. She watched as they fell away, to the ground below, then, when she could see them no longer, she turned and walked back into her apartment.
Shinji sat in his bed, watching a little TV. None of the TV shows were very interesting, as he found out as he flipped through the channels. Although that isn't to say not interesting, more as that he'd missed most of the last five months of show's, due to Asuka's hogging the TV when she moved in. He was out of the loop in just about everything. He flipped to the news, hoping to catch something that he would know what was going on.
"Yesterday, at about 6:36 PM Tokyo Standard Time, a small earthquake rocked the city registering a 4.4 on the Richter Scale. Coincidentally, an Angel alarm was issued for the city roughly two minutes later. A NERV press release later last night stated that the alarm was set off for an abnormal reading that lasted longer than usual, but said there was no proof that there was an Angel appearing anywhere near where the sensors indicated. Adding to the mystery, they reported that the alarm appeared directly at the epicenter of the quake, which was located at the intersection of West 202nd Avenue and Military Route 19. Anyone who saw any strange activity in that area of the city is strongly encouraged to report…"
Shinji thought about the layout of the GeoFront. If his memory served him correctly, the hospital lay directly beneath the area just described. Those thoughts were interrupted as there was a knock at the door. He turned off the TV, then turned to the door. "Come in!" The door slid open.
"Hi, Shinji, how are you doing?" Misato said, walking in.
"Fine, I should be able to come home tomorrow, the doctors said."
"Good, baka, the place is getting to be a wreck, and Misato's special curry noodles got old after the first time." Asuka said, waltzing into the room.
"Asuka, I'm glad to see you're okay!" Shinji said, happy to see Asuka again.
"Of course I'm okay, idiot, why wouldn't I be?" Asuka said, not knowing what he was talking about.
"I saw your Eva's head land in my bunker in the battle. I'm just happy to see you're okay…" Shinji said, realizing that he was starting to look silly.
Misato leaned over and whispered into Asuka's ear. "Asuka, remember, he hasn't been awake for over a month. At least be nice to him while we're here."
"Ah, okay Shinji. And I'm glad to see you're okay too." Shinji smiled at the thought of Asuka being glad to see him. Then his mood crashed, there had to be something more to it than that.
"Okay Asuka, what are you wanting me to cook…" Shinji said.
"Just because I can be nice to someone doesn't mean that I want something out of them!" Asuka said, her anger rapidly boiling over.
"Oh really? You've never seemed to grace me with your favor!" Shinji said, his face turning red from anger. Misato and Asuka stood, staring at Shinji's outburst. "You've never treated me as a friend, only as a rival or a pet. I really don't expect anything more from you Asuka."
An awkward silence gripped the room. Asuka stood, both shimmering with anger, and with a hurt look on her face. "People can change, Shinji. Out of all that I know, I thought at least you of all people would realize that. But you've changed, Shinji. And I don't know if its for the better! I know I've always told you to grow a backbone, but you weren't supposed to use it against me!" Shielding a tear in her eye, she turned around and charged out of the room.
"Misato, what's Asuka's problem?" Shinji asked.
Misato was turning red with anger. "Shinji, I'm surprised at you! Asuka comes in here, and you immediately accuse her of trying to blackmail something out of you! How can you treat a girl that likes you like that?"
Shinji started laughing. "You actually think she likes me? Hell will freeze over first! I've never seen her do anything nice for anybody! What makes you think she would like me?"
Misato calmed down a bit. "Shinji, I had a talk with Asuka today. She's very confused on her feelings about you, and it doesn't help that her pride stands in her way. She hates you for being a better pilot than her, but deep down, she admires you."
Shinji was quiet. He slumped forward, and Misato turned to look at him. "Shinji, it takes some work to even scratch the surface of understanding the opposite sex, especially a teenaged girl, but…Shinji? Shinji?"
Shinji had slumped even more forward, and began to lean to the side. "Shinji? Crap! Nurse! Nurse!" Misato hit the 'call nurse button' and the entire wing went crazy. Nurses and doctors were pouring into the room, as they had been ordered to tend to Shinji as best as possible. Within minutes, the room had settled down, as they finished hooking Shinji up to the various machines that were within the room. Misato pulled up a chair, and sat down, taking Shinji's hand.
Roses and violets in the rain, living happily as could be. Life giving water is falling on their heads. They are happy now, but do not realize that the cold winter sun is coming. They will wither, as the bitter cold comes closer to their hearts every night. The two flowers, intertwined with one another, will lose the company of one another as they shrink back, falling away as they face the lifeless winter ahead of them. They may never see each other again, if the winter can squeeze the life out of the small seed that each contained within; they may see each other sooner, if the spring can defeat the winter, returning life to the lifeless.
Rei Ayanami was thinking to herself, lying face down on the bed, her arms wrapped around a small white pillow.
Life is an empty feeling, why suffer it any longer than we have to? Why bare those wounds that we inflict on ourselves and others? These others, seeking to understand others when they don't understand themselves. They seek comfort in the arms and thoughts of others. They bury that feeling of emptiness deep within, why?
Is it will?
Is it necessity?
Is it…fear?
Shinji's brain was in a fog. One minute, he was talking with Misato, and the next, he was drifting through what seemed like the universe, yet nothing at all. A voice echoed through the emptiness.
"Shinji Ikari, we meet again."
The voice was a familiar one. Shinji thought for a moment, then answered. "Zeruel?" Shinji's voice echoed in a similar fashion.
"Yes, Shinji, it is me, Zeruel."
"But I thought you were destroyed!" Shinji said.
"No, when we were to merge into one soul and body, we were to know each other completely. However, our ceremony was interrupted before completion, and it has proved to be a costly mistake." Zeruel said.
"What do you mean?" Shinji asked, not liking the direction this was taking. "What do you mean by a 'costly mistake'."
"Our merger was not completed when you were jolted back into reality. It was a weak bond at best, and it is already beginning to rip apart. For one, I am myself again, not a part of another self. However, our bond has become a liability." Zeruel said.
'Well, that explains your appearance…' Shinji thought. The words echoed around him.
Zeruel smiled. "In the depths of your subconscious, there are no secrets. I can hear everything you say, and everything you think, and you can hear my inner thoughts, feel my inner feelings."
Shinji sighed. "Why? If we no longer share a common bond, then how can we still understand each other?"
Zeruel began to explain. "Consider your self as a patchwork quilt. You have emotions making up your self, as well as other themes, such as experience, education, selves of others that you perceive, and so on. However, when we attempted to sew my quilt into your quilt, it was a rather sloppy job. So, as the bond between you and me ripped, it began to rip other parts of your self away as well. As such, your self is beginning to disintegrate."
"So, I will fade away into nothing in a few days?" Shinji asked, beginning to feel a knot in his throat.
"No, it is much worse. As each part of you rips away, it will attempt to assume control. It will suppress other selves, mutilate them, or completely destroy them. To the outside world, you will appear to suffer a mental breakdown, then fall into a world of complete madness. You may turn into a ruthless psychopath, which may or may not be a good thing for the powers that be at NERV, or you may turn into a harmless vegetable, in which none of the selves can establish control over the other, and unable to reunite."
"Is there anything I can do, Zeruel? I'm afraid." Shinji said.
"You will have to conquer each of those emotions, each of those fears, those angers, those sadnesses, and reestablish a central control of your self." Zeruel said. "You will have to conquer them by yourself. I can provide as much support as you need, but ultimately, you will have to conquer each of them by yourself."
Shinji looked down at his feet, crying gently. "I never wanted to do this anyway!"
Zeruel looked down on the boy. "Then why did you?"
"Because I wanted my father's praise! I wanted to feel like I did have a purpose!"
"Shinji Ikari, you have a purpose. You may not know it yourself, and only do what is natural to you. But to others, you do have a purpose. Your guardian and your sisters…they depend on you every day, for you cook for them. Yet you only do what is natural to you, and help others. It may not seem like a purpose to you, but to them, you have a purpose."
"Father…"
"Even your father, no matter how much you hate him, he sees a purpose in you, and you continue to fulfill it. Whether it is out of the good of your heart, or out of pure spite you fulfill it, that is up to you to decide."
"But I thought you could understand my thoughts!" Shinji said. "You could explain to me why I still pilot the Eva."
"I can only understand your thoughts as much as you yourself understand them, just as you can only understand my thoughts as much as me myself can understand. We only know as much as the other knows." Zeruel said.
There was silence. Images seemed to flash through the subconscious space surrounding him. Primal images, things retained in the human psyche longer than humans had existed. Finally, the scene stopped. It was a train car, bathed in the orange of a summer sunset.
"An interesting place to dwell on ones thoughts." Zeruel began to take shape as a human. He was a tall, angular man, a slash scar running just beneath his left eye. Shinji looked at him. Oddly enough, he noticed stretch marks in rings around his neck, as if a great force had tried to pry his head off.
"You—You! I thought you were bonded to a body as an Angel!" Shinji said. "Nothing makes sense!" He began to calm down, his breathing becoming ragged. The bright orange began to fade into a more subtle yellow color. The sun outside seemed to dim slightly, becoming something more of an early autumn day.
"Ah, yes. It seems that my psyche is beginning to recall a sense of its former self." Zeruel said. "The psyche, its an amazing object, something that can recall events 10,000 years ago, yet can't remember what it had for breakfast, something that can survive the hardest times, yet can't survive a break-up. Wouldn't you agree?"
There was silence.
"I see. I'll leave you to your private thoughts for a little while." The being known as Zeruel began to fade.
A/N: Whew, sorry for the extremely long wait for this chapter. I had been considering several possibilities with this story, including deleting it and starting from scratch with this. Part of this is from some sort of imperfection complex I have or something. I really thought I had screwed this story up, and was going to start over and smooth out the little gaps and everything, but in the end, I just decided to work with what I have here. Another thing was that I felt I lost what the story was originally about, which was try to capture the psychological state of everybody as events changed them. Now, I've given the story some real thought, and I have a few ideas that will be coming down the tube within the coming weeks. Anyway, enough of my rambling, hope to entertain you all more in the next chapter.