Author's Notes: What can I say? I've been having a really rough time in real life (personal crises galore not to mention school and work have been taking up a good bulk of my time) but luckily I had a bit of free time today so I decided to update! Sorry for the long wait everyone! Happy reading!

Disclaimer: Don't own anything TMNT related and never will.

Chapter 4

April's point of view

When I entered my shop, I was rather shocked to see Michelangelo. After what happened five years ago, I had seen a lot less of the guys. I had tried my best to comfort them and give them any type of support, but my efforts were in vain. Kind words and visits could only do so much to dull the pain that came from losing a loved one.

With Donnie's death, the departure of my parents had flooded back to me with a fierce vengeance. Night after night, as I tried to sleep, I relived those horrible events that took them away from me. First, dad took sick and left us. Then after he died, mom began to wither away. When people said that you could die from a broken heart, they didn't know how right they were. Once my parents died, there was such a deep and unquenchable ache inside me.

I thought that no one would be able to help me pick up the broken pieces. That I was forever doomed to live a life void of all feeling. Had it not been for the guys coming into my life, then I wouldn't be standing here today.

Hardly having time to ponder the past, I donned a cheerful façade and greeted him.

"Hey, Mikey, what brings you here?"

Mikey's eyes lit up. "It's been so long since I've last seen you, April!"

He rushed over and hugged me, and I returned the gesture. Once we let go of one another, I watched as the merriment quickly left his features. Noticing the solemn look on his face, I just knew what was coming.

"I was gonna go see Don and since you couldn't make it last time, I figured I'd invite you to come with me."

It hurt too much to turn him down. Even though I desperately didn't want to go and see Don, I knew I would have to. Raphael wasn't the only one who was having problems accepting that he was gone.

"I have to close the shop first, so could you wait while I did that? By the way, where'd Casey go?" I asked curiously.

"Casey left out a little while ago. He mentioned something about going to go and talk to Raph."

"He's okay, isn't he? He hasn't done anything, has he?"

The panicked look on my face must have been a dead give away. I thought for sure that Raphael had gone and done something foolish this time. Fearing the worst, I turned away from him and starting walking towards the door.

A terrible, cold fear was slowly coiling itself around my heart. After all the guys had been through, the last thing they needed was the death of another family member. Right when my hand graced the doorknob, Michelangelo spoke so softly that I almost didn't hear him.

"No, but Casey wants to make sure he doesn't."

I pulled my hand away from the door and turned back around to face him. I was almost certain that something terrible had happened, but when those words left his mouth, a small slither of relief trickledthrough me. I don't think I could have handled another loss so soon.

As I began the slow process of closing down the shop, my thoughts drifted back to Donatello. I was so preoccupied in remembering him that I failed to notice the tears that were rolling down my cheeks. It wasn't until I felt Mikey hugging me that I gave in. Crying always did make the healing process go faster, but if that was the case, then why was I feeling like the world had just ended?

Leonardo's point of view

Karai had no idea where I was taking her. As we walked through the sewers, I was faintly aware of our breathing and the sound of water sloshing around my feet as she walked alongside me on the concrete ledge. We continued in silence until she finally worked up the nerve to ask me where we were going.

"I've spent the last few years of my life mourning for my brother. I haven't done anything productive since Don's death. I almost died from grief, but after seeing him last night…" I trailed off.

I was fighting back five years of grief, inner turmoil and self-loathing. I couldn't lose control, not when I had finally gained some of it back. I didn't want to become a useless mass of flesh that slept his life away ever again.

That Leonardo was dead and in his place now stood a broken and tired individual, who had finally accepted that life was cruel and often twisted. Losing someone that was close to my heart only further proved my point.

"What do you mean, seeing him?"

Had I been able to see her face, I'm sure she would have had looked very confused. Suppressing the insane bitterness that plagued me for the last few years, I sighed heavily.

"When I say I saw him, I mean that I had a dream about him. I was standing on some sort of cliff that overlooked a huge ocean. The skies were clear and the sun was shining brightly. It was really a peaceful place. I just stood there admiring the view when I heard his voice. I was so overcome with happiness that when I located him, I ran to him. I'd intended on hugging him, but when I passed through him instead, my heart shattered into a million pieces. He stared at me sadly and then I cried. Just by seeing him, I truly thought that he'd come back, but the dead can't come back to life."

Whether or not I had done it on purpose, my voice had come out rough and extremely bitter. I paused with my explanation, hoping to regain some control. Karai glanced my way, but I refused to meet her gaze.

"Leonardo?" she questioned hesitantly.

"I was so worried about him. I didn't know if he was okay or not, but after having that dream, it served as some type of reassurance," I answered softly.

Briefly glancing over at her, I saw her digest this information and then nod. I took this as a sign for me to continue speaking.

"It must have been his way of saying that he was okay. At the same time though, I couldn't shake the feeling that he was worried about us. Especially Raph. I think he was trying to tell me that we have to get Raph to make peace with him,otherwise he'll never be able to rest."

Halting my explanation, I glanced over at Karai and caught sight of her disbelieving look. I didn't blame her for not fully believing me. After all, it's not every day that a loved one appeared to you in a dream after they've died and tries to communicate with you.

"Donnie never said a word but it was his eyes that drew me in. He kept giving me these sad and longing looks and at one point I could have sworn there were tears in his eyes. Maybe I'm reading too much into the dream but I think Donnie's worried that Raph is going to die… I know this must sound ridiculous to you but it's the truth."

Sighing softly with her questioning look still present, she merely asked, "How can we help him, Leonardo? We have tried, but he has done nothing but push us away. He has shut us out for so long that I do not see how this time will be any different."

This time when I looked at her, there was no mistaking the sadness and doubt surrounding her.

"Earlier, I overheard Mikey telling Raph that he was going to go and visit Don. I think it's about time all of us went back there one last time. We have to let Raph grieve for him; otherwise it's only going to be a matter of time before Raph loses himself completely."

She caught my gaze and then stopped walking. "If that is the case," she questioned, "then why did you not inform Master Splinter of your intentions?"

"Master Splinter and Mikey are the only two who have come to terms with Don's death. I didn't bother telling him where we were going, because in some kind of way, he already knew that it's time to let go."

Our eyes locked in mutual agreement. It was time to move on with our lives, and the only effective way of doing so was by grieving together as a family.

Silence once again settled over us as we continued walking. By now, we had left the sewers and were topside. I didn't know if Mikey had already left or not, but I hoped it was the latter. Our trip to the surface would have been very meaningless if he'd already left.

Casey's point of view

I arrived at my apartment just a couple of minutes ago. A quick sweep of it told me that Raph had been here, but the question was where did he disappear to? The punching bag had been left untouched. There was nothing missing from the refrigerator --namely any alcoholic beverages-- and he wasn't seated on the couch watching television. I thought about it, though, and after a while realization dawned on me. If he wasn't in the apartment complex, then he was obviously on the roof.

I opened the front door, closed it and then went up the stairs, taking slow and careful steps. It's not that they were old and squeaky; it was the coming confrontation between Raph and I that was causing me to wonder if this was the right thing to do. Things could very well get ugly, but it was something that needed to be done. Opening the door, I saw my friend sitting down with his knees drawn to his plastron.

Quietly walking up behind him, I took a seat next to him. For a few moments, neither of us dared to speak. Raph was eventually the one who broke the ice.

"What do ya want, Case?"

"The others are worried about you," I said, cutting straight to the chase.

I turned to face him and took note of the anger that seemed to be always present in his face as he sighed loudly.

"What is it with you people? First Mikey wants me to go and visit him, then Leo tells me about some dream and how worried my deceased brother is, and now I got ya here telling me that everyone's worried about me! How many times do I have to say that I'm FINE!"

Steeling myself for the storm that was sure to come, I continued to speak with him.

"You're not fine. If you were fine then you wouldn't be crashing at my place almost every night because you're too wasted to go home or because you've got too much drugs in your system. Whether or not you like it, Raph, you gotta accept his death."

I watched him as he got up and began walking away. His shoulders were visibly tensed as he curled and uncurled his hands. I could tell he was fighting an internal battle but I was determined to make him understand that he couldn't go this one alone.

"And just where do ya think yer going!" I asked angrily. I was sick and tired of him running away from his problems. Someone needed to set him straight, and there was no one better than me for the job.

"Away from you, obviously! I'm sick of everyone telling me that I need to open up and that if I don't then I'm going to die!"

Rising to my feet, I walked over to him and grabbed him by the arm. I spun him around to face me and then stood directly in front of him.

" Damn! You have got to be the most thick headed and stubborn man on this planet! And that's saying something considering it's coming from me!"

"If I wanted a lecture, I would have stayed home or better yet I would have gone to April's place! Now lay off!"

He tried to turn away from me again but I was not going to let this drop. For a moment I had to remind myself that getting angry wouldn't help but I was extremely close to skipping the formalities and just letting my fists do the talking for me. Apparently the idiot didn't understand what it meant to be graceful and considerate. Not that this was anything new to me but desperate times called for desperate measures.

When I got in his face again though, he glared menacingly at me. I returned the expression with just as much malice and anger. "Did you ever stop to think that maybe just maybe you're killing yourself! When's the last time you actually smiled, laughed or even did anything with your family? When's the last time you went to see him? Oh, wait, I can answer that! You haven't seen him since we buried him! For once, stop running away from your problems and act like a man!" I shouted in his face.

As soon as those words left my mouth, his fist connected with my jaw. Staggering backwards from the blow, I caught myself and watched as he turned his disdainful glare upon me.

"What would you know about losing someone? You don't know what it's like holding someone that you care for deeply in your arms as they slowly fade away, do you? You have no idea how I felt! He died in my arms and I couldn't do anything to help him! I didn't even get the chance to say goodbye or that I loved him one last time! So don't you tell me any of that crap about being a man and facing my problems! As far as I'm concerned," he shouted, "you stay the hell out of my way and I'll stay the hell out of yours!"

I knew his words were only said out of anger, but that didn't give him the right to behave like this. His words hurt, but the truth was that I understood better than anyone what it was like to lose a loved one and then to be filled with regret, grief and self-loathing because of how things turned out.

"My father was killed by the Purple Dragons. They took him away from me, and he sure as hell was important to me! I didn't get the chance to say goodbye or tell him that I loved him one last time, either! So don't you dare try to tell me that being a man and facing your problems is crap! You have people who are worried sick about you and yet you can't see that. You'd rather let yourself die than go on with life! Do you really think he'd want that?" I nearly screamed at him.

He ignored me and kept on walking to the door that led back downstairs. He opened it and then slammed it shut. I wanted to go after him and beat some sense into him, but that still wouldn't do me any good. Once he was gone, I looked up at the sky while rubbing my sore jaw.

"Donnie, I sure wish you were here," I said softly.