Yo! sorry about my absence in chapter five, I keep forgetting to put in notes XD. This is probably my longest chapter yet thanks to my sis, KaitoAngel. You'll see why later.

Chapter VI (Lavi's POV)

Five months? Five months of what? A terrible weight settled on my shoulders and added to my exhaustion. Just five months... I looked at Lenalee. There was sorrow in her eyes that I just couldn't stand. I tried to smile, for her if not for myself.

"It's gonna be alright, I'll make through the surgery." My voice held confidance that didn't exist. She tried to smile back but ended up squeezing the five months of life out of me. "Ouch..." Lenalee backed off when she realized she was hurting me. I didn't want her to worry about me right now. All I wanted was to make her happy and take my mind off of my expiration date. I desperatly needed to make her happy. I could go with her to find Allen, Allen always made Lenalee happy. Then again, he had seemed a bit akward the last time he saw me with Lenalee. I could finish the poem for her but I didn't want to write it in front of her. Appearently I had been lost in thought for awhile because Lenalee griped my hand. She looked a bit happier when I squeezed her shoulders so I pulled her closer to me and stroked her silky short hair. I felt her sigh and she gently took my hand from her shoulders.

"I should let you rest..." She got up and turned to leave but I interupted her.

"I'd like it if you stayed." To tell the truth, I was tired but I didn't want to be alone right now. She must have heard something other than what I said because she was crying again. "Did I do something?" I was truly lost as to the reason for her tears. Her head shook slowly as she walked back to me.

"You didn't do anything." Her voice trembled as she wiped the tears from her cheeks. "It's just...I'll stay." I wanted to hold her, but everything was heavy. I could hardly keep my vision focused on her face. Barely aware of what I was doing, I pulled off my boots and laid back. The room smelled like antiseptic and I almost gagged as the potent fumes became overpowering. My last thought before drifting off was 'How come I didn't notice that before?'.

It must have been late when I woke up because Lenalee was asleep in a chair beside my bed. She stirred as I sat up, rubbing her eyes. She looked worried again.

"You're up already?" I wondered how long it really had been. "How do you feel?" I almost laughed.

"Like I have five months to live." Lenalee glared at me.Then she mumbled something that I couldn't hear. "What?" My voice sounded loud in the quiet room. She met my gaze, tears in her eyes. She was going to dehydrate if she kept crying like that.

"Please don't say that again. Sometimes I just can't stand men." I wondered if I was so ignorant. "How can you not care about your life?!" I did care, I just didn't think that I was going to just lay down and die. "And then you tell me "I'll make it through the surgery" when it could so easily take you away from all of us. If you really are bent on going through with it, please wait a bit longer." From somewhere, I managed to pull out a grin.

"Gee, that's sounds a bit selfish. Wanna hang around with me a bit longer huh?" Oops, she got mad at that.

"Ahg! You are such an idiot! Don't you get it?! Lavi, I love you. I don't want you to die or even go somewhere else, just stay with me." Her boldness and remark stunned me into silence. "Just hold me and say that you love me too." I couldn't think of anything to say. She had just told me everything that I needed to hear. Someone needed me, after all I had done in my life, no one had ever actually needed me. Lenalee...she wrapped my arms around her. "Please." She was cold beneath her thin shirt. So I stood there and held her, a small piece of comfort in life's stormy sea.

"I love you," I whispered into her ear. Lenalee leaned back against me. "I love you," I whispered into her short hair. "I love you," I whispered into the back of her neck.

"You're not just saying it are you?" No, I really did mean it. "I don't care, say it again." I meant it. I didn't need to say it again, I needed to make her believe in me. She turned in my arms to face me. Reaching up, she stroked the side of my face, her fingers dancing around my hidden right eye. "Tell me who you really are." How could she ask that of me? Why couldn't I answer her that? Who was I really? 'A bookman has no need for a heart' did that mean I had no need for my own identity as well? Did I know who I was anymore? Why couldn't I...why couldn't I find myself in this maze of feelings? Did I know myself well enough to find 'me'? This confusion was all too familiar and it hurt. All I was had always been 'me' or 'Lavi' but was that really me? Was I suddenly allowed to feel because of death's sudden seemingly inevitability? Where did I put the masks that I had worn when I first came here? Why had I placed myself above my humanity? Why was I feeling this regret that was supposed to be for others? I ached to know why, why everything was crumbling down around me. 'We are on the Order's side by chance' 'Don't get caught up in the war' was I an exorcist only so that I could stand by and watch? Did I have the resolve to change my mind from becoming all that I had ever known?

This was all too much, Lenalee, conflicting emotions, resurected memories, only one that I didn't regret. I loved her but she didn't believe me, was that good enough for her? I loved everything about her, her smile, her compassion, her determination, the way that she always made me feel unbalanced. But what was it that was stopping me from finding myself so that she might know who I really am? In the past there had been forty-eight other 'me', I was the forty-ninth, so what was different? Why was being 'me' the hardest? The worst question was; did she love 'me' or what was hidden?

Chapter VI part II (Allen's POV) This part was written by my sis and kinda co-authored by me. Look! Allen's actually in the story! What does he think of what's going on between Lavi and Lenalee? P.S. my sis changed Lenalee's name to Lenali.

I sat down heavily on my rumpled bedclothes. The realization hit me then, She loves him. For a moment I didn't trust myself to think rationally. I felt the jealousy well inside my broken mind. Why? I asked myself. Had I done something wrong? Or had it been like this from the beginning? I clenched my right hand and shoved it hard into my knee to stop myself from going back there. This is what she wanted, I wouldn't take that away from here. No, I didn't want that. I felt hot tears drip from my face to travel down my crisp white shirt. It had been so long since I had last cried, at first I wasn't sure how to react to such a display of emotion. I couldn't get the scene of her with him out of my mind and I thought for a moment how great it would be to just spontaneously explode. Then again, it felt quite like that. Should I tell her? Would she forgive me for feeling this way. And then it struck me, was this how Lavi had felt?! I thought about it for a moment, it was quite possible that he had possesed the same jealousy that was slowly consuming me. I wanted to scream out in rage and confusion. Had I been that blind the whole time? Or did she suddenly change into someone I didn't know? Maybe I should just ask her these things...would she answer them or get angry with me? I stood up, feeling quite like a useless sop. Sulking wasn't going to help things, even if it did feel a bit better. My biggest problem was; could I face her? Could I face her without telling her everything, could I face her without breaking down. Walking to my door I grabbed my jacket and slipped it on. It helped a bit, it's comforting weight on my back. I walked fast, my eyes were still a bit uncontrolled. I hoped no one would see me like this, how would I expalin to them? Walking through the foyer, I ran into Komui. Oh SHIT! I couldn't think of a worse person to fall upon. I tried striding quickly past him, but he caught my arm.

"Allen? Is something wrong?" He sounded generally concerned. I shook my head not trusting my voice. I pulled out of his grasp and headed toward the main doors. "Allen!" I really hoped he wouldn't follow me.

I took a deep breath of the crisp night air, thankful that her brother hadn't pursued the matter further. I needed someplace to sort out my thoughts and The Order wasn't going to help. Wandering down the empty streets, I realized how alone I felt without her. I couldn't get my thoughts straight, I need to talk to her...let her know. And I hoped to God that it wouldn't involve shouting or anything arguementive. If I wasn't careful I'd end up talking to her back. Did I need to be strategic or would she listen to me? I started to turn back, no, she was with Lavi when I left her. She would need her time with him. I got very angry with myself in that moment for the words "didn't make it through the surgery" crossed my thoughts. I didn't need to be like that, it wasn't me. Sometimes I really scared myself. I couldn't even believe I thought that. Lavi was a good friend, definately not one I would wish death upon just because Lenali liked him and not me. OH WHY?! I looked up into the starry heavens, automatically I sought out Polaris. I allowed myself to get lost in the dark indigo mass that was above me. I needed a moment to cool down. Feeling burned out I turned back to HeadQuarters and started planning how to talk to Lenali.

I crept around the bend in the hall, it was late and I really didn't want to wake anyone up. I supposed though that Lenali would be awake. As I came closer to Lavi's room I could see I had guessed right. They were talking, still. Lenali in Lavi's arms. I wouldn't interrupt, but as I walked by, Lenali saw me. for a moment I thought she was going to come over, but she simply mouthed the words; Sorry, later. I felt my hopes crash a bit. Although I was glad she noticed something. All I wanted now was sleep, for once I noticed that I wasn't hungry, even though I hadn't eaten since this morning. Exhausted I dragged myself into my room and fell onto the bed.

When I woke up, it was late morining, the sun was covered by thin gray cloudcover. I can't say I felt much different than I had last night. It was pathetic, or at least I felt it was pathetic. I pulled off my rumpled clothes and changed into a fresh outfit. I paused at the door, not sure if I was ready to face Lenali. A voice in my head made me push the door open and head down to her room. I hoped to God that she had slept in her room. I knew they wouldn't share a bed or anything, but the thought felt like a physical kick in my stomach. Pushing these thoughts from my mind, I continued to her door, was it a good thing or a bad thing that it was closed? I wondered if it was alright to wake her. Without my consent, my hand rose to knock. To my surprise though, the door opened, Lenali stood there.

"Allen," She didn't seem to shocked, why would she? I let my hand drop back to my side.

"Lenali I-" I didn't know how to say it, how could I tell her how much she was hurting me. She gave me a heartfelt smile, for a moment I thought I would cry in fustration. "I don't know how to tell you, but I feel really confused." I thought for a second that she would get mad at me for starting this way, "Yesterday, you a-and Lavi. Was it wrong of me to think that you loved me?" I slammed my fist into the doorway, not to scare her. I wasn't mad at her I was mad at myself. Mad at myself for thinking this way.

"Allen, I'm so sorry. I feel terrible about it, and yes I did love you. But Allen, people change!" Was she talking about me or herself? "Really, I am sorry." She pushed past me, heading towards Lavi's room. I felt sick. I watched her walk aways until it hurt to see her. I turned back to my room, fully knowing I could stop all this just by talking to Komui. But I wasn't that type of person, I already felt I had taken her time with him.

Well, thats it for now, I might take awhile with the next chapter cuz I'm writing on fictionpress as well and I need to finish that chapter, check it out if you like its titled "Masquerade" my pen name has stayed the same though. Please review!!!!!!