Friends: TOW They Go on a Road Trip
Disclaimer: I own nothing Friends…unfortunately.
Note: This takes place in season 9 or 10. But Rachel and Joey are not dating, and Rachel is not pregnant (I couldn't remember when she had Emma). Not much plot, hopefully just a laugh.
(Coffee house, again.)
Phoebe: So, road trip, baby!! (She waves her arms around, making it look like she is getting rid of a swarm of tiny flying bugs.)
Chandler: Please don't do that…ever.
Rachel: Yea, Chandler thinks he's already an embarrassment, and he's hoping it's not possible to become more of one. (Chandler stares.) What? I can't do it also?
Chandler: No, it's my thing!
Joey: Hah! That was funny! What? I'm slow today, this is decaf! (points to coffee)
Monica: Oh, Ross, this is going to be just like when we were younger!
Ross: Yea, we had the best road trips with mom and dad.
Monica: We would sing '99 bottles of beer' and make the trucks honk on the highway!
Ross: And stop at every fast food restaurant. McDonalds—38 times!
Phoebe: You kept track? (She mouths 'wow').
Monica: I think we spent more time eating than driving!
Chandler: Monica, tell us something we don't know! Hey, that was funny!
Joey: Ok, stop renimiscing (really reminiscing), or whatever the damn word is, I wasn't in your past!
Phoebe: It's ok, Joe, I wasn't either! We can be alone together!
Chandler: I was only in the college years, and you didn't miss anything, actually life really sucked back then. (Ross glares and Chandler mouths 'What?').
Rachel: (Answers her cell phone) Yes? Really? Oh, ok, that's too bad. Yea…well, thanks for letting me know. (Hangs up). That was the van agency. They hadn't realized that they had booked the van already.
Ross: What?! How are we going to get down to the Jersey shore?
Phoebe: It's fine, we can just break up into pairs and take three cars.
Joey: You know, that's so crazy it just might work!
Monica: Oh, me and Ross! Me and Ross! I got ROSS!
Chandler: I'm your husband; do vows mean nothing to you?
Ross: Sorry, Chandler, but we know how to crash a good road trip!
Rachel: Well, you know how to crash something on the road, but I'm not sure it's the trip….
Joey: Oh! I get Rachel!!
Chandler: Which leaves me with…
Phoebe: ME!
Chandler: (Unenthused) Funny how that works, isn't it…?
Joey: (thinking hard) Oh, got it, Phoebe! Took me a bit, it's a toughy!
Chandler: But can I bring my magic eight ball?
Phoebe: Sure!
(Scene changes, everyone is loading there bags into their cars, chatting.)
Monica: Ok, so we will meet up in about three hours when we get off the highway. Actually, let's add another half our for side trips! And, remember to set your watches to my time, pronto. Hey! You guys aren't listening! Hey, I checked, and it's set correctly! It's important! HEY!!
(They set off, going on their own to get to the Jersey shore. Rachel and Joey…)
Joey: Oh, Rach, this is going to be so fun! I hope we see IHOS!
Rachel: What the hell is IHOS?
Joey: International House of Sandwiches. Duh!
Rachel: Sandwiches…?
Joey: Yeah! The have subs, grinders, clubs, with salami, pepperoni, ham, meatballs, turkey, bacon, all types of veggies and sauces…um what's that one? Oh! Honey mustard, mayo, spices…
Rachel: That's enough!!
Joey: Well you're a little feisty today!
Rachel: Joey, I'm just—
Joey: You know what, if you keep arguing you can just make like a tree and go away!
Rachel: Joe, it's make like a tree and leave—
Joey: (throws up his hands) See? This is what I mean!
Rachel: Ok, I'm sorry.
Joey: (looks out the window) Hey that guy just tripped! (laughs) Hey, you! Have a nice trip—see you next winter!!!!
Rachel: Joey, it's…never mind….
(Scene changes: Chandler and Phoebe…)
Chandler: We need some music (turns on radio, playing some jazzy country music.) here we go!
Phoebe: Uck! This is not music! (Changes the station to a kids music station.) Hey, it's hokey pokey!
Chandler: Phoebe, this is for kids—
Phoebe: No, uh-uh!
Chandler: You don't know what I was going to say!
Phoebe: You were going to say 'can't you pick something more appropriate for our age?'
Chandler: Well, I don't think I'm that predictable….
Phoebe: Don't you ever want to experience your inner child?
Chandler: Well, I dunno, my inner child went around asking if he could borrow extra lunch money incase he gets bullied out of it…
Phoebe: Come on, dance! (Chandler does some move where he shimmies and adds some snaps and bobs his head.) Ok, not like that!!!!
Chandler: Well, fine, I was trying to find my inner child….(Takes out his magic 8 ball) Is Phoebe a looney? (Shakes, says 'yes')
Phoebe: (snatches it) Is Chandler an ass? (Says 'yes') Hah!
(Scene changes: Monica and Ross…)
Monica: Oh, we are so going to have a better road trip than everyone else! We know how to party!
Ross: Yeah!
Monica: Do you need to go to the bathroom?
Ross: Yeah!
(Seen coming back to the car and driving on.)
Monica: But that doesn't mean we can't party, right?
Ross: Yeah, it's just an issue of bladder control, really….
Monica: Hey, let's make buds with the driver next to us!
Ross: (makes a thumbs up) He doesn't seem to have seen my thumbs up. How about a peace sign?
Monica: Ross, no—
Ross: Uh oh… I think he thought I was giving him the finger!!!! (makes a funny face) Monica, FASTER!
(Rachel and Joey…)
Joey: (Now has the wheel. Swerves out of the line) Hey, it's IHOS!!!
Rachel: JOEY!
Joey: It's ok, once you eat a meatball sub, you will forget all about how mad you are…
Rachel: I don't eat meatballs! (They get out of the car and go into IHOS)
Joey: How much is a meatball sub?
Man: $10.
Joey: I will give you $9.
Man: I will give you 2 for $24.
Joey: Sure!
Rachel: Joey….
(They sit down to eat)
Rachel: You know what, these meatballs are pretty good!
Joey: I told you. Right? You forgive me now?
(Scene changes: Rachel is seen barfing into a trash can.)
Joey: Sorry Rach, I didn't know the chef's didn't wash their hands!
(Phoebe and Chandler…)
Chandler: Phoebs, can we eat?
(They stop at a fast food restaurant.)
Chandler: I'll get a chicken sandwich.
Phoebe: And a salad for me. And make sure to give me one of those toys!
(They eat at a table.)
Phoebe: They gave me chicken! Those idiots! I'm so appalled, you'd think it was that bloody thanksgiving all over again!
(Some men are seen whispering in the corner. They come over.)
Gang Man: (to Chandler) Jack, you're in for it. I won't let you do that to my sister.
Chandler: What?!
Gang Man: Ready for the fight?
Chandler: I'm from out of town. Is that like a code word for 'nice shirt'?
Gang Man: Think you're funny, do you?
Chandler: No! No, I don't! (Gang man rolls up his sleeves.)
Phoebe: Run! (Phoebe grabs Chandler and the sprint out of the fast food restaurant and look for the car) Where the hell is our car? It's not here!! It was stolen!
Chandler: Now, let's not jump to that conclusion…. They're coming!
Phoebe: Quick, get in!
Chandler: That's not our car!
Phoebe: GET IN!
(Ross and Monica…)
Ross: 98 bottles of beer on the wall, 98 bottles of beer! Take one down, pass it around, 97 bottles of beer on the wall! (Takes a sip of beer)
Monica: What are you doing?
Ross: I figure now I'm over 21—
Monica: Way over—
Ross: I could take a sip of beer for every bottle of beer….
(Half hour later…)
Ross: 51 booters of deer with a ball knocking on the wall…
Monica: (takes the bottle) That's enough!
Ross: Oh, it's a museum! Please, please, can we stop!
Monica: This was supposed to be fun, Ross!
Ross: I promise we can go wherever you want next…
Monica: Ok, what type of museum is it?
(They are seen running out of the museum towards the car.)
Monica: Ross!
Ross: Monica!...I'm sorry! I didn't know it was going to be a museum about the republic of Korea!!!
Monica: Just get in the car…next stop, gourmet restaurant! Of course, if we happen to see a mental hospital on the way…
(Rachel and Joey…)
Rachel: No, I get the wheel now….
(They begin to drive.)
Rachel: I saw a shoe store!
Joey: A food store! Where? Where?
Rachel: No, a shoe store. Yes, I'm still very mad at you.
Joey: The answer is:…strip joint.
Rachel: Fine, strip.
Joey: I feel so exposed! (Looks over to the next to them and sees a pretty lady) How you doin'? (She smiles. But the man next to her glares at Joey and puts up his fists.) Okay, shoe store now, and HURRY!!
(In the shoe store…)
Rachel: I got some boots. You gonna get anything?
Joey: Boots…add a b and drop an o!
Rachel: Bobs?
Joey: Crap. I was going for boobs. Well I like these shoes… (He is wearing water shoes, colored pink and orange. She starts to laugh.) I only like them cuz the tag says 'sex'. It's good advice, really.
Rachel: First of all, it says 'Rex', the brand. Second of all, do you plan on getting it on in a place you can't grip? (She laughs)
Joey: Laugh now, but one day I'll be rolling in the girls.
Rachel: So what are you doing now, practice? (They walk towards the door.) This knob's really not working.
Joey: Add an o, baby.
Rachel: Noob?
Joey: Crap! I was going for nude this time.
Rachel: Would you stop doing that?
Joey: What d'you want to do instead?...What about I little game I like to call 'Testiculo'?
Rachel: You do know that means testicle in Spanish?
Joey: Chandler said it meant Joey!
(Chandler and Phoebe…)
Chandler: Come on, you're on his tail. Get our car! GET OUR CAR!
Phoebe: Shut up! I'm doing the best I can!
Chandler: (to magic 8 ball) is she doing the best she can (says 'no') See Phoebe, it's speaks the truth!
Phoebe: That things a bad influence, mister! It's like crack for bozos. In fact, it is crack for bozos!
Chandler: (to 8 ball) Are you crack for bozos (says 'maybe'. He shakes again- says 'no') Hah! (Phoebe takes the ball from Chandler and throws it out the window.) Hey, that's my magical ball!
Phoebe: If your ball really was magical, I think you'd get laid more.
Chandler: Don't bring my sexual preference into this!...I mean…shut up!
Phoebe: Oh my God!
Chandler: What, what?
Phoebe: Please don't freak out, or I will butcher you with the knife I used on the mailman.
Chandler: It's a bit poetic, don't you think?
Phoebe: So, well, I think I just realized, that's not my car we've been chasing. (She cringes.)
Chandler: … (He reaches his arms and head out of the window) Help! Help!
(They come back to the restaurant they left their car at. Phoebe runs off.)
Chandler: Hey! Where you going?
Phoebe: Fresh air!
(Chandler chases her.)
Phoebe: The point of fresh air is that you weren't supposed to be there! (They end up in a field and Chandler catches up.) Pretty scene, isn't it? Almost as pretty as Freddie Prince Jr.'s butt.
Chandler: Oh, I completely agree. Maybe later we could go get manicures.
Phoebe: I would really appreciate that. (She starts to run around.) Don't you just love your inner child?
Chandler: Depends, does my inner child get all the girls he wants?
Phoebe: If your inner child's big enough.
Chandler: Dammit.
(Ross and Monica…. Ross and Monica are in a restaurant. Ross finds Monica in the back room where she is cooking.)
Monica: Hey!
Ross: Hey, you're cooking?!
Monica: Yeah, let me introduce you to everyone. This is Bob, Bill, Andrea and Tristan. But he doesn't speak English. See: Tristan, you're a hell of a good lover!
Tristan: What?!
Monica: (embarrassed) Ok, guess not.
Ross: Can we go?
Monica: No! (15 minutes later) Ross, we gotta go!
Ross: Huh?
Monica: It seems I put food poisoning in the restaurant food. They're threatening to 'crunch ass'.
Ross: What?
Monica: Well, it sounded like that, but of course it was another language. Yet they were also holding steak knives at the time.
Ross: Let's go!
(Outside, behind trash cans.)
Monica: What are we going to do?
Ross: How about you crawl in the trash can and I roll you down the hill.
Monica: You have a very poor sense of humor.
Ross: Well you have a very good sense of stupidity.
Monica: Oh yeah? Well how about you go fetch your dinosaurs and order them to attack!
Ross: And while they're doing that you can spray some house cleaner in their eyes!
Monica: I'm not obsessed with cleaning as much as you're obsessed with dinosaurs! Come on, Ross, I thought billions of years would have been enough time to sort out your grief!
Ross: First of all, it was only 100 million years ago, second of all, you were the one that had to clean my girlfriends apartment after we had broken up!
Monica: That's right, you broke up, could you ever stay with a girl? Only long enough for the vows, then it's over.
Ross: Yeah, well, you were fat!
Monica: Don't you bring my weight into this!
Ross: You're right, 300 pounds is a lot to bring!
Monica: (Ross looked behind him. Men and women were running towards them with steak knives. They ran for it.)
(Rachel and Joey…they are back on the road.)
Joey: Hey, look it's a yogurt convention!
Rachel: Don't you think you've eaten enough?
Joey: This is me you're talking to. That's like saying I've had enough girls! Hey, what's that! (He points and Rachel looks.) Made you look.
Rachel: And what was that for?
Joey: SO I could grab the wheel and go to the yogurt convention!
Rachel: …but you didn't.
Joey: Crap! I knew I was forgetting something! (Rachel rolls her eyes) Do you feel sick all of a sudden? (He throws up in his coke cup. Rachel drives past the yogurt convention)
Rachel: Gross…
Joey: Why you driving away!
Rachel: Honey, I don't think you can eat yogurt right now.
Joey: Sure I can!
(Phoebe and Chandler…they are in another restaurant.)
Phoebe: (has a deck of cards, a group of men are watching her) So now you see a Jack of Clubs. I put down the top card and pick it back up. And now you see an Ace of diamonds! (Chandler stares at her. The card trick was outrageously simple.)
Man: How do you do that?
Phoebe: I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.
Chandler: (whispers to Phoebe) Phoebe let's go. These guys are obviously rednecks.
Man: What was that?!
Chandler: I mean… your neck just looks a little burned. It's not too bad, just put some aloe on it and it should be fine by tomorrow….Phoebe, RUN! (And the run off for the second time.)
(Ross and Monica…)
Monica: Ok, we're back on the road and safe…for now.
Ross: Yeah, sure… (he looked out the window into the next car where two woman are talking and one kisses the other) They remind me of Carol and Susan!
Monica: That is Carol and Susan.
Ross: …FASTER!!!!
(They arrive at the Jersey shore and see Joey and Rachel coming alongside Phoebe and Chandler. Monica and Ross get out of the car.)
Everyone: That SUCKED!!!
Joey: Big time. Almost as big as my—
Chandler: No thanks Joe; if I hear one more joke about men, I'll—
Phoebe: Who wants to go? (Everyone raises there hands.)
Ross: Well this sucks. Back in the car everybody…
Joey: I get Phoebe!
End Creditss