Well... here you go! The final installment of Into the Dark! Hope you all have enjoyed it; I know I loved writing it.
I hate this place. I just utterly hate it. I'm surrounded by people who are sad or angry or detached from reality every second of every of every day. The guy in the room next to me, all he does is cry all night, until he wears himself out and goes to sleep. I sort of glad that I don't know what he's seen to end up like that. Another man tried to stab with a fork at lunchtime the other day because he thought I looked at him funny. One guy just wanders around all day and doesn't listen to anyone except "God", whom he believes is talking to him on a regular basis, telling him what he has to do every day. I can't stand it. I figure that if I write this to you, BJ, I can get a lot of bad stuff out of my head. I know you'll tell me to tell Sidney, but he wouldn't understand. I need to tell you about what I'm feeling here. I want so badly to go back to the 4077th, but I know I need help to be normal again. I'm so glad I haven't had anymore night terrors… like the one I had before I got sent to this place.
I don't even know exactly what happened before the dream. I just vaguely remember you dragging me back to the Swamp and me saying that I was perfectly capable of working. You just kept saying that Potter gave us the night off and that you were going to stay with me in the tent because didn't look so good. I told you that I didn't you babysit me. I was a big boy; I could tie my own boots and everything now. I told you to go look after some patients, and you didn't even blink at me. You only quietly said "You should get some sleep," so I rolled over on the cot, cursing you quietly. I heard your cot squeak and your blankets rustle as you did the same a few minutes later. Sleep was clawing at my eyes… and I gave in willingly. Then, the evil visions came to me.
I really don't want to tell you happened in the dream, but I know it'll help you understand what's happening to me. Maybe it'll even help me understand what's going on inside my head… because even I'm not sure. As much as it hurts me to say it, that woman silenced… whatever she was holding in order to save a lot of people. But in my dream, she didn't do it quick enough, and the North Koreans found us. They piled onto the bus and started taking prisoners. I tried, with your help, to herd a few people out the back of the bus to save some innocent people. Then, they shot me in the leg. Outside, I could hear what sounded like a firing squad. I was screaming pretty loud. You looked really scared and followed the refugees out the back. I screamed for you to stop, not to leave me, but you didn't hear me. You left me for the North Koreans. One grabbed me and shook me. I started thrashing to make him leave, yet he wouldn't go away. I hit him in the face and tried to keep striking him. Then I guess I opened my eyes and mistook you for the soldier and kicked you. After that, I came to. I saw you on the ground, clutching your stomach, and I realised what I had done. I staggered back toward the corner of the tent but fell, so I sort of crawled backwards. I just wrapped my arms around myself and rocked and whimpered and mumbled, "BJ… Beej, I'm sorry. I'm sorry," over and over. The next thing I knew, you were next to me. Somehow, all I could say was, "Don't hate me! Please don't hate me! Please…" before I was overcome by sobs. I prayed that you didn't hate me for hitting you. As soon as you put your arms around me, I knew you didn't. I just grabbed your T-shirt tightly and sobbed into your chest as hard as I could. I started to beg you not to hate or leave me. You pulled me closer, and I manoeuvred between your legs as you said, "Don't worry, Hawk. I don't hate you… and I won't leave you. I promise."
But will I be leaving? Can I keep the promise to you, too?, I thought, I decided a while ago to follow you into the dark, but can I now? Will it even be possible?
After I stopped sobbing, I didn't want to leave your arms. Perhaps I thought you could protect me from something I couldn't see. I felt your arms tighten around me; maybe you thought the same thing I did. Would you have followed me, too? I'm sure you would've… but where I'm at is the darkest it gets, BJ.