Rose: A second Chapter????
Rina: Yeppers!! I felt like it.
Rose: Blame my wonderful ideas!
Rina: I DO!!
Set 15 years after Your Memory
Gou's P.O.V…
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Why did you have to leave?
Hey dad… Remember me? It's Gou, your son. I know it's been a while since the last time I was here. Over five years to be exact, but who's counting?
Apparently I am…
So, why am I here, standing at the foot of your grave after so long? I'm feeling guilty, that's why. Guilty for the choices I've made since I've stopped coming to see you, since I started rooting around in our family's past.
Have you watched me grow up?
Mom tried to stop me you know. "I don't want you to get hurt." She'd said. Maybe that's true, maybe she didn't want me to suffer like you did, or maybe she just didn't want to loose me the same way she lost you… chasing long forgotten answers to questions best left buried.
Either way, she was right in the end... She's always right, at least when it comes to me she is. But that's a parent for you… that's a mother for you. Then again, you never really knew your mother did you?
Are you happy to see me after so long?
Mom still loves you… You probably already know that though. I'm just searching for something to say... She's hasn't moved on, I don't think she ever will. She's still stuck in the past, living in the warmth of her fading memories…
Memories…
At least she HAS memories of you. Me, I haven't even seen you face. I haven't heard your voice, or felt you touch. I've never had the chance to see you smile, or to play basketball with you, or wait up late for you to come home just to say goodnight. I haven't done anything a son's supposed to do with their father. I haven't had the chance. I hated you so long for taking that away from me.
Are you disappointed in me?
Is that why I've felt so guilty lately? Because I hated you for something completely out of your control? I understand now, it wasn't your fault. You didn't want to leave mom and me, but you didn't have a choice, did you?
Mom tried to be there for me in everyway you couldn't be, and when it can to 'guy things' Ray was always there to help out, the same way mom was there for Rin when it came to 'girl things'. You wouldn't know this, but Mariah's gone too. She died seven years ago from leukemia.
So there you have it, I'm fatherless, and Rin's motherless… She's here with me, across the field, visiting Mariah. She should be coming to get me soon. It's getting late and the airs cold.
Seeing Mariah die opened my eyes in a way, and I started asking questions. I wanted to know who my family was. These Hiwataris… What connection did I have to them? What did their past hold? As a Hiwatari, what did my past hold? What about my future? Why didn't I ever meet any of your family? Did you even have family? I needed to know.
So I left everything and everyone behind. Mom… Ray… Rin… Makoto… and you… That's why I stopped coming.
Am I a failure in your eyes?
I wish I could tell you the answers I found made things easier, but I've done enough in the past few years without t liae need to be a liar too. I wish now I could redo everything. I wouldn't have left; I wouldn't have pushed everyone away. I wouldn't have tried to follow in footsteps not even you, or your father could fill.
But there's no use wishing. I can't change anything I've accomplished.
That's something mom use to tell me a lot. "There's no use wishing things would change." She would say. "The past is in the past, so leave it there!" I know she wishes she could've helped you. She misses you so much. I miss you too.
I use to think it was strange. How could I miss someone I've never met, who has never met me? Then I realized, it wasn't just you I missed it was my father. I know, sounds stupid right? Anyone with half a brain can see you and my father are the same person. But that's not what I mean (at least what I think I mean).
Remembering all the Father's Days where I had nothing to celebrate with but a polished rock makes me want to hate you more again. Part of me still hates you, even now, and part of me always will. I'm sorry to say that, but I can't change that feeling, no matter how much I try.
Did you ever stand my your own father's grave the way I'm doing now? Did Susumu Hiwatari see you standing there, like I'm hoping you see me?
Can you ever forgive me?
It doesn't matter what happened in the past now. I've realized that. Mom really was right; the past is in the past. So why in the hell couldn't I leave it there?
'You're just too curious.' Mom had said when I asked her that very question. 'You're Kai Hiwatari and Julia Fernandez's son; you never stood a chance since the day you were conceived.'
I could only stare blankly ahead as she ruffled my hand and continued on cooking supper for the both of us.
That answer simply felt like an avoidance to me...
Do you miss me?
'Gou…' I didn't actually hear her call me, but if felt her touch, as soft and light as the brush of a butterfly against my shoulder. 'Did you realize you're talking to him?' She asked, taking her usual place by my side. Had I truly been saying all that out loud? I simply shook my head in response to her question.
'It's okay.' She mumbled, gripping the handle of her black purse tightly. 'I do the exact same thing. I guess it means we're anxious around them.'
Anxious… that's a damn understatement Rin. Standing here, looking down at the very spot where you've laid for the past nineteen years… it's unnerving. 'Sometimes…' She continues, knocking me from my thoughts once again. 'I just find myself standing there, starring in the direction of mother's headstone, without actually looking at it, while other times, I read and reread the inscription on it so many times, and yet I still can't believe she's gone.'
I looked at her then, for the first time that day. She was crying, silently letting the tears slip from her golden orbs and off the bottom of her chin. She didn't try to wipe them away anymore.
Do you know how sorry I truly am?
'Remember how I use to cry all the time?' She asked, grinning through her tears even now. She hardly ever smiled anymore, so seeing her grinning now was like looking at a lime green waffle, outlandish. "I was such a baby after mother first died. I kind of took a 180 from how I was when she was alive. I use to do anything, just to get her upset, just to make her hate me. I didn't want her love, or al least that's what I told myself. She used to sit in her room and cry to daddy at night about me sometimes. I heard her once, right before she died; she thought she was a horrible mother, she thought I hated her. I heard her say that, and never felt any remorse or guilt. I wanted to hurt her, and I wanted her gone.'
She stared her feet then, letting her short pink locks fall over her face. 'Then, suddenly, she was gone, and I didn't even get the chance to say goodbye. She died thinking she was a failure, and I hated her. I remember crying for days after daddy came and told me she's died. I felt so guilty for pushing her away, I still don't understand why I treated her the way I did.' She looked at me then. Those deep golden orbs bore into mine so profoundly, I had to look away.
She sighed tiredly, sounding like someone who'd living many more years than she, at seventeen, had.
Do you see the pain you've caused?
'But that's a long time ago now…' She whispered. 'Those guilt filled nights full of unanswered questions and self wondering seem almost like another life time… don't they Gou?' When had her ramblings suddenly turned on me? Damn, she always was good at that sort of thing… Even when we were young children. 'Still we feel guilty, and try to make amends... If only it was that simple…'
'The sun's setting.' It was the only responce I could muster.
'You voice sounds husky.' Rin commented, shifting her weight from one flip-flop to another.
That's the first time I'd spoken all day. My throat was raspy from its lack of use. '… We should go…'
'You're right…' She sighs, and loops her arm through mine. '…as always…'
If I was always right Rin Kon… I stare at your headstone one more time and bite my lip. I wouldn't have made such a big mess of my life… Rin's light tugging on my arm tells me its time to go… time to put everything behind me once and for all…
I can feel Rin's golden orbs glazing at me and meet her stare. She offers me a small smile in return, the first real smile I've recieved from her in years. Together, we turn our back on our mistakes, and walk into the setting sun…
It doesn't matter... Not anymore... I understand now... I'm ready to move on... Mom's okay... and with Rin by my side... I now someday... I will be too...
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Well there you have it… tell me what you think…
Implied KaiJulia and hinted at GouRin... should I do a third and final chapter?
Dong-chun-mei