Disclaimer: All characters belong to The Bill.

Confessions of a Broken Mind

By IndieGothGirl

Prologue

I know I shouldn't have hit him. It was wrong really; I know but I couldn't help it. It just made me so angry to know that it was him that Mia had been sleeping with. If it had been anyone else then maybe I wouldn't have been so impulsive. I know I should have tired more to win Mia back after I discovered she was seeing someone else but then how could have I competed with my own boss when he is a sophisticated Superintendent and all I am is weak and dirty? That's why she turned away from me in the end; that's why Liz turned away from me too; not because she was corrupt but because she, like Mia, knew my terrible secret; the one that makes me feel ashamed and not normal all of the time. The one that I can never tell another woman that I become to close to again in case she turns away from me too; I was raped.

Chapter 1

'Morning; rise and shine, listeners, this is Edie Charmaine here on Radio Haven 98.6 on this fabulously sunny, Monday morning-'

Oh bloody brilliant; just what I need a cheesy and over-excited radio DJ first thing on a Monday morning; especially this one.

'-and here is Simon Parks with the 8 o' clock news.'

8 o' clock?! Shit I should have been up half an hour ago!

Wearingly I drag myself out of bed; although I wish I could stay there and just dream the day, or even my shitty life, away. No such luck off to work I go I'm not looking forward to going to work today.

So what, I hear you cry, lots of people hate going to work; hate their jobs but for me it's a bit different. I like my job; in fact I love my job it's just that being in that place fills me with fear and paranoia. I know most of the people that were there when it happened have left now but still I can't help feeling that the ones that remain, like Sam, Phil and Smithy sometimes treat me different particularly if a rape case comes in; especially Smithy for he was the one that found me in the warehouse. He was the one that saw what Delaney had done to me.

Today though there is something else that is bothering me; Jack says that I should leave it; says that I was lucky he was able to save me from being sacked by Heaton for hitting him but I can't leave it; I need to speak to Mia; need to find out why she chose to sleep with my superintendent. Was it something I had done? Or had she just got bored with our relationship? I need to know; need the answers.

As soon as I get through the doors of Sun Hill Police Station, my place of work, Smithy calls out to me:

'Oi Mickey the DCI wants to see you!'

'Why?'

'Dunno 'e just told me to tell yer that 'e wanted to see yer when yer came in.'

'Fanks. I'll go see 'im now.'

As I make my way up the stairs towards CID and both the DI's and DCI's office it doesn't take much to figure out what Jack wants. He's going to try and talk me out of asking Mia why she slept with Heaton. Suddenly I am at the top of the stairs. I knock on Jack's office door.

'Come in,' his loud Yorkshire voice booms out.

'Smithy said you wanted to see me, guv?' I ask hoping, for some strange reason, that Smithy was wrong.

'Yes I do,' confirmed Jack, he sighs, shifts in his chair a little then says; 'Look Mickey I don't think you should confront Mia-'

I knew you where going say that, Jack, I know you too well.

'-I mean what if you don't like what she says are you going to punch Heaton again? I was lucky enough to have saved you from being sacked last time I doubt I'd be able to save you a second time.'

'I thought you knew me better than that, guv,' I scorn.

'I do I just don't want you upsetting Heaton again.'

'I won't. Its just I need to know the truth about why she slept with 'im, Jack, you understand that, don't you?'

To my surprise he shakes his head.

'I don't see what there is to understand, Mickey, she cheated on you with Heaton; she hurt you and, as far as I am concerned, she no longer has a place in this nick. By this afternoon she'll be gone and you can get on with your life.'

'Look Jack,' it's my turn to sigh now, 'as much as I want to I can't just let 'er go; not without knowing why she did it.' There are tears building up in my eyes; I can feel them. I blink a few minutes; forcing them back. 'I need to know if the reason she slept with 'im is because I told 'er about Delaney and what 'e did to me.'

'What has that got to do with it, Mickey?'

'I dunno maybe she couldn't handle it. Maybe she thought I was dirty an' weak and she wanted someone who wasn't.'

'Don't be silly, Mickey! You know yourself from being in here that there are plenty of rape victims who come into this station whose partners are understanding and supportive of them and what has been done to them.'

'Yeah female victims,' I muttered bitterly. Its not that I have anything against female rape victims it's just that everyone expects a man to be more able to defend himself from being over-powered by another man easier than a woman is expected to and that when you tell people you are a male rape victim they look at you with pity and disgust. I hate it every time.

'Come on, Mickey, you know that they are plenty of male victims of rape whose partners are caring and supportive.'

'Yeah well I'm beginning to see a connection 'ere, Jack,' I yell. I'm angry now. Why can't Jack see this the way I see it? Probably because he's never had to explain to a girlfriend that he was raped a few years ago.

'What do you mean?' I can see from the puzzled look on his face that he is clearly confused.

'Well fink about it. First I told Liz and then Mia. Both of them have betrayed me, Jack, just in different ways. Liz wasn't corrupt until after I told 'er about Delaney and now Mia has cheated with me after I told her about Delaney. Don't you see the connection, Jack?'

He sighs; 'I think your reading too much into this, Mickey.'

'What makes you fink that?' I ask.

'Look what happened with Liz is totally different to what's happening now with Mia. Yes, I admit, both women have betrayed you but it was two different kinds of betrayal; Liz was a good cop who cared a lot about you; you wouldn't have asked her to marry you otherwise. She just happened to have got herself in too deep with a gangster whereas Mia slept with one of your superiors. Yes both things are unfortunate but it is purely coincidental that both these events occurred after you told both women about your rape.'

You're a good friend to me, Jack, always have been and I wish I could believe that but I can't. I need to find out the truth as to why she slept with Heaton from Mia before she leaves Sun Hill for good.

'Look, Jack,' I'm finding myself saying, 'I'm gonna speak to Mia 'cos I have to find out what 'appened an' why; whether you like that or not.'

He makes no reply and so I leave the office to plan how I am going to bring up the subject with Mia.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

It is late afternoon now and I'm standing outside in the staff car park, have been for a good half an hour, waiting for Mia to come out of the nick so that I can confront her with the issue at hand; why she slept with Superintendent Heaton while she was still in a relationship with me?

I've spent all day, since leaving Jack's office this morning, trying to work out how I was going to bring it up after all I couldn't exactly go; 'hey Mia why did you sleep with Heaton, was I not good enough for you or do you like having a bit on the side?' By lunch I decided that it's best to be upfront and honest about how I feel. Oh well here she comes; it's now or never.

'Mia, Mia, wait up!' I call.

She turns round to see who is calling her but then immediately turns back when she realises it's me.

'Please Mia; don't ignore me I only want to talk to you before you go.'

She turns round again and we look each other in the eyes; blue into brown. There's a good five minutes silence. Now I'm stood here, face to face with her, I seem to have lost my bottle; my idea of being honest and upfront about how I feel with her seems to have gone out of the window. Suddenly she breaks the silence by saying:

'Well you wanted to talk so talk already!'

I can tell by the sharpness in the tone of her voice that she is angry and upset. It just makes me more unnerved.

'Erm…well… er… how are you?'

Lame, Mickey, real lame. You know how she is. She's just lost her job for fucks sake.

'HOW AM I?!' she yells, 'I've just lost my job because your DCI doesn't like the thought of anyone hurting or upsetting his precious Mickey-boy. How the bloody hells do you think I am?'

She turns her back and begins to walk away.

'Mia, please wait, I know you're angry at having lost your job, hell anyone would be, but I need to know this one fing. Why did you cheat on me with 'Eaton; was it 'cos I cheated on you with Steph that time?'

'No, Mickey, I forgave you for that, remember, besides two wrongs don't make a right. Being a police officer you of all people should know that.'

She's got me there.

'Well what then?'

'I don't know. It was like he needed my comfort and support because he was frightened for what Ray Moore would do to his family now he had returned to the area.'

'So what? It was like Ray Moore returns to Sun 'Ill so you an' Heaton decide to have a little fumble in the bedroom?'

'No, Mickey, it wasn't like that! The first kiss happened after the whole incident of Annie, Moore's daughter, threatening that little boy, who stole her bike, with a gun; after which Heaton became convinced that Moore was responsible for Paddy Morgan's death and that the gun Annie had being the murder weapon. That first kiss between me and Heaton; it wasn't supposed to happen.'

'So why did it?' I scorn.

'I don't it just did; but I didn't want to pursue it any further at first.'

'So what made you change your mind?'

'Heaton needed someone to comfort and love him; now that it was over between him and his wife, Rhiannon, and I was the only one there was to turn to so I let the affair carry on; knowing that all the time I was with Heaton I was hurting you and that one day you'd find out.'

'So why didn't you end it? We could've continued on like before. We were good together, Mia.'

'I know, I know, but for some reason I just couldn't seem to stop myself from being more and more drawn to Heaton especially as recently he has been comforting me through some personal issues.'

'Personal issues?! What sort of personal issues? 'E knows, doesn't 'e? You told 'im about me an' Delaney and what 'e did to me?'

'No, Mickey, I didn't; I wouldn't! That is something that is personal to you; only you have the right to tell people about that.'

'You bitch! You told 'im about me. Now 'e's gonna 'ave even less respect for me.'

'No, he'll even less respect for you because you punched him in the face; not because he knows you were raped because I swear to you he does not know about your rape, I promise.'

I don't believe her; not one single word. How can I believe her when she has betrayed me like this?

'Honestly, Mickey, I didn't tell Heaton about your rape. All I confided in him was that you wouldn't talk to me about me sleeping with someone else; wouldn't let me explain it.'

'Well we're talking now, ain't we?' I snap.

Cue a long, protracted, silence. I can feel the tension between us. At length Mia says:

'Besides if Heaton did know about your rape you have nothing to be ashamed about, I told you that before; Delaney is the one who should be ashamed not you.'

She reaches out to touch me; to comfort me but I flinch away. Don't want her to touch me with her lies and her poison.

'I never meant to hurt you, Mickey,' she says softly.

'Just go!' I snort, contemptuously, 'just go, Mia Perry, and never come back!'

With that I turn my back on her and start walking away; so that she cannot the tears that are now streaming down my face.