Chapter 2

Dirty so, so dirty I just need to get home and scrub the dirt away. Damn why are the traffic queues in London so long? No wonder so many people choose to use the tube or the bus instead. Come on get a move on!!!

Now, an half an hour later, I'm home and I'm in the shower scrubbing that nasty, horrible, dirt away. Got to keep scrubbing until it's all gone; after all this is why both Mia and Liz betrayed me; because I am dirty; so disgusting. I scrub and scrub so hard until my body is red raw then at last I feel clean once again so I get out of the shower and dry myself off, put on some clean underwear and pyjama bottoms; its too warm to be wearing a pyjama top then I flop down on the sofa and watch whatever mindless trash that's on the telly; in a desperate attempt to take my mind off Mia and Heaton and Delaney and the fact that I haven't eaten since Saturday. My stomach maybe rumbling, horrendously, but there is no point in eating; eating is for normal people and I'm not normal; haven't been since Delaney and the rape. Finally, weary and exhausted by the day's events, I fall into a deep sleep upon the sofa.

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I am awake and ready for work on time this morning and, despite everything that went on yesterday, I feel in a rather joyous mood as I fight my way through the notorious London traffic jams perhaps it's because I didn't have a nightmare about Delaney last night for the first time in a long time.

As I walk through the doors of Sun Hill police station I am whistling a happy tune and take the steps two at a time as I make my way up to CID; not really watching where I am going when suddenly I bump into Superintendent Heaton quite by accident, I assure you, but still not good; not good at all.

'Sorrysirdidn'tmeantobumpintoyouitwasatotalaccidentIassureyou,' I blurt out, hurriedly; which means that what I said was totally incomprehensible, of course.

'In English please, DC Webb, I'm afraid my Double Dutch is rather rusty,' he replies, sarcastically; pompous twat!

'I said: sorry sir I didn't mean to bump into you; it was total accident I assure you.'

'Yes well; if you concentrated more on watching where you were going, DC Webb, you wouldn't bump into people, would you?'

'No, sir,' I reply.

Heaton straightens his shirt sleeves then says:

'Well don't just stand there, DC Webb, there's work to be done; criminals don't just arrest themselves you know!'

'Yes, sir.'

With that I make my way into CID while Heaton just stands there looking smug. Smarmy bastard I bet he just sees his response to that little mishap as him getting his own back for me hitting him. Boy I hate him!

Nothing much seems to happening, this morning, at work. A couple of interesting cases came in, earlier, but they were mainly assigned to Kezia (who although still only a trainee DC, is finding herself with more and more cases on her hands now that Phil has been demoted back down to uniform) and her partner for the day; DS Stuart Turner or Jo and Terry, who seem to have struck up a good partnership. Anyway those four get the good the stuff and I am stuck with the boring shit; the bloody paperwork. I wonder if this is Heaton's doing; his way of trying to keep me in line. Don't be bloody ridiculous, Mickey! But still I can't help wondering.

Suddenly someone touches my shoulder. I flinch back, my heart racing, as I prepare to fight off my potential attacker. You're not going to do it to me this time, Delaney, before looking up and seeing DI Sam Nixon standing above me and realising it was she who tapped me on the shoulder.

'Didn't you here me calling you, Mickey?' I hear her husky voice say.

'Sorry, guv, kinda lost in my own world there,' I reply; still shaking, inwardly, from the touch.

'We've got a shout. Uniform has found a young man lying dead in an alleyway behind a nightclub called Starlight.

I follow Sam out into the forecourt and into her car; finally relived to be given something interesting to do today. The ride over to the Starlight nightclub is quick and before long we are being briefed by PCs Diana Noble and Leela Kapoor on what has happened:

'The victim's name is Callum Jones,' begins Diana, 'he was a student in the University of London.'

'Apparently,' continues Leela, 'one of the nightclub employees, Mr. Graham Brown, taking out some of the trash from last night to the bins in the alleyway when he discovered Mr. Jones' body lying naked, face down, on the floor so he contacted the police.'

'So what do you make of it?' Sam asks.

'I think it might have been a murder, guv,' pips up Leela, quickly, 'there's marks on the body that suggest Mr. Jones had been struggling with someone prior to his death.'

'Come on then, Mickey,' Sam says, 'let's check it out.'

Curiously I lead the way into the alley. There is the usual alley smell of old rubbish about the place, which gets right up your nose so that you feel like your going to be sick. I gently make my way down the alley to the bins (where the body was found.) The smell of the rubbish is totally over-powering now and I almost back out of the alley because of it. It is then that I find myself confronted with the body; lying naked and, face down, on the floor just as Leela had said. It smells almost as bad as the rubbish in the bins! I call out to Sam:

'Sam over 'ere I've found 'im!'

No sooner have I spoke then Sam comes rushing in.

'Nice work, Mickey.'

We then both inspect the body. There is a gash on the forehead but it is the ropes around the arms and tied behind the young men's back; keeping his arms tied together that drew my attention. Just looking at them reminds me of the ropes Delaney used to tie me to the bench in the warehouse just before he… I shake the memory away but as I do a rather morbid thought springs up in my mind: this guy is lying naked; his arms tied together so that he cannot move them it is possible that he has been raped as well as I murdered. Slowly I lower my eyes down the body to the buttocks. There's dried blood coming out of the buttocks and streaking its way down the legs. My stomach lurches sickly; just as I suspected the man has been raped.

Suddenly I can't breathe. Panic floods my chest and I find myself needing to get out of there; away from that awful sight. Sam notices the terrified expression on my face and looks puzzled then she notices the blood streaking down both of the victim's legs from the crack in the buttocks.

'Well it looks like we've got a male rape on our hands as well as a murder.'

Then she realises whom she is talking to and immediately says:

'Oh Mickey! I'm sorry I didn't mean to upset you I just forgot, for a moment there, that you were a victim of male rape too.'

She looks up at me then and I can see the pity in her eyes and I hate it just as much as I hate being referred to as a victim. I say nothing and just look away, uncomfortably.

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The journey back to Sun Hill is awful. We both sit in silence; neither knowing what to say to the other. I try not to look at Sam but every time I do I can still see the look of pity and sorrow in her eyes. Good dam it! I just wish those that knew about what Delaney did to me would treat me as normal instead of treating me differently; always aware of my presence when a rape case comes in which is why I've got to see the DCI before Sam does in case she decides to have me taken off the case.

When we get back to Sun Hill I make my excuses to Sam without her getting suspicious which ain't easy believe me! Then head off to the DCI's office.

'Mickey. What can I do for you?' asks Jack when I enter his office.

I take a deep breath, exhale, and then say:

'Sam and I 'ave been investigating a case this morning; a guy called Callum Jones. 'E was murdered an' he was…he was…'

'He was what, Mickey?'

I choke back the words and tilt my head to stop the tears that are threatening to fall down my face from falling then say:

''E was raped, Jack. Male rape an' I'm worried that DI Nixon will 'ave me taking off the case.'

'You know I'd never let that happen provided, of course, you feel up to it.'

'I do feel up to it, guv, besides I'm sick of everyone that knows about my rape treating me differently.'

'You know people don't do that really, Mickey,' Jack says.

But I know he's wrong. Those that know do treat me differently. Why can't Jack see that? Probably because he has never been raped. I'm trying to remember that Jack is doing his best to try and understand what happened me and how, even after all this time, it still affects me strongly but sometimes I feel so isolated from Jack and everyone else in this place because none of them really understand how the rape made me feel and still, after all this time, makes me feel no matter how much they try.

'Ok, Mickey,' Jack says, suddenly, breaking in on my thoughts, 'if you feel up to the case you can stay on it but if, at any point, your finding it difficult I want you to let me know and I'll find you something less "emotional" to deal with.'

'Yes, guv,' I reply, meekly. I can handle it; I know I can.

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Got to get clean. Got all this dirt off of me and just be clean, clean, and clean. Being clean will make everything good again; I'll be strong again not weak like am now. I like being strong.

Its evening once more and am in the shower again getting myself clean because I am dirty and weak. I scrub myself harder and harder, using everything I can find; soap, shampoo even bleach from under the kitchen skin! I'm desperately trying to get rid off the dirt until my hands bleed. The blood trickles down my hand, meandering its way down my arms like a rather making its way to the sea. I stare at it fascinated but don't try to clean it up. I didn't realise how easy it was to get this clean!!!