Chapter 4

Suddenly I finding myself floating through the clouds, soaring and circling, with wings outstretched as though I was a bird. I chance a glance down at the Earth. Now that I am dead I find I can see it for what it truly is: a giant rock, spinning on its axis, in a vast galaxy of stars and planets whose most intelligent inhibitions are a race consumed by corruption and greed, war and hatred, pain and suffering. I can look at it no more.

Suddenly I can see Kate, Conway and all the other people whom I had known and loved in life and who had died before me surrounding me on either side, guiding me upwards. There is no stopping. No descending; just onwards and upwards.

Then I see her….

….my own mother!! She is exactly as I remember her, with her strawberry blonde hair just like mine and her sweet, motherly, smile. Suddenly she steps forward and embraces me.

When I was alive I always thought that the dead where beings without substance that could not feel sensations. Now that I am dead I find that is not true as I can feel my mother holding me close to her; feel her fingers running through my hair just like she used to do when I needed comforting as a kid.

'Mickey,' she says pulling away from our embrace, 'what are you doing here?'

'I died, mum,' I say, simply. 'Oh mum! I've missed you so much! So much has 'appened to me since you died and I don't even know 'ow to tell you about them; don't have the words to explain what 'appened; what 'e did to me; doesn't matter, anyway, because you'd be so ashamed an' embarrassed if you knew but I did try to stop 'im, mum, I begged and pleaded with 'im not to do it but 'e didn't an' 'e was so strong an' he had me tied up, mum, that I couldn't shake 'im off. He just keep on touching me and taking everything that I 'ad from me an' it hurt so much, mum!'

'Ssh! I know, Mickey, I know.'

'You know?! How?'

'I've been watching you, Mickey; everyday since I died I've been watching you. I saw what that evil Delaney did to you that night in that warehouse. I longed to help you, Mickey, longed to stop him doing that to you but I couldn't. All I could do is watch as that wicked man hurt my baby.'

Once again she holds me close to her and I can feel the motherly love she has for me flowing from her into me. We stay like this for five minutes then, out of the blue, she says:

'Mickey you have to go back.'

'What?!'

'Listen to me, Mickey, you have to go back,' she said, getting a little stern with me just like she used to when I refusing to behave as a kid.

'Why?' I ask. I don't want to go back all I had in life was pain and suffering why would I want to go back to that!!

'Everyone has their time,' she answers, 'and this is not yours, Mickey. You shouldn't have tried to take your life when it wasn't your time to come here. Go back, son, and always know that I love you and that we will meet again when it's your time.'

Suddenly the whole scene began to crumble and I feel myself plummeting through the clouds at frightening speed.

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Groaning and twisting and turning with the shock of returning to earth I slowly open my eyes and once again see Jack standing above me.

'Thank goodness you're awake!' he cries, 'don't you ever give me a fright like that again!'

I feel dazed and confused and ask:

'Where…where am I?

'In the St. Hughes,' replies Jack. 'Do you remember what happened?'

'Only that I wanted to end my life an' that I tried to do it with a knife an' that you were there. Wait a minute… 'ow'd you get there?'

'Sam came to see me after you'd gone home. She noticed your bandaged hands and was worried about you so she came to see me.'

'Why couldn't she 'ave kept out of it. I told 'er it was nuffin'. Why can't she an' everyone else keep out of my life? They don't know nuffin' about what I've been through these last few years.'

'They are police officers, Mickey; it's their job to understand rape victims and what they go through.'

'Yer the cold 'ard facts, maybe, but not the emotional trauma that rape leaves its victims with, even long after the attack itself is over. They 'ave no idea what that's like an' neither do you,' I snap back suddenly feeling angry even though I don't know why. None of this is Jack's fault and I shouldn't be taken it out on him.

'Your right, Mickey, I don't know what it's like for you, emotionally, but I am willing to listen and to try to understand what goes through your mind because of your rape.'

I say nothing and we both sit in silence for a while and then I realise that Jack hasn't answered my question:

'You 'aven't answered my question, guv, 'ow'd you get to my 'ouse.'

'Well after Sam came to see me I was worried about you and, knowing that you'd already gone home, I decided to go round and see if you were ok. I knocked on the door but no one answered so I called out your name; still no answer and some instinct was telling me that you hadn't gone out so I kicked the door in and then I saw you lying so still and lifeless on the floor; covered in blood. I thought you were dead and went to check if you had a pulse when suddenly you regained consciousness for a few minutes and then you lost consciousness again so I called an ambulance. When they brought you here they had to operate to save your life.'

I rub my hand across my stomach and feel a large bandage across it which Jack says is covering the wound from the operation.

'And er…one more thing…' he says, he seems rather embarrassed, 'before you lost consciousness you told me you loved me. What exactly did you mean by that?'

'I meant that in a purely platonic way, I can assure you, Jack. Look, I thought I was gonna I die roight and I just wanted you to know 'ow much I appreciate you being the father figure I never 'ad an' looking out for me.'

'Ah! I thought you might have meant something else,' he confesses, still looking rather embarrassed.

'Come on Jack! You know I ain't that way inclined!'

'Yeah I know besides I think I'm way too old for you, anyway.'

'Oh I don't know I like the older men,' I joke.

Then we both laugh and Jack smiles probably because it's the first time he has seen me laugh in along time.

'Well I best be going and letting you get some rest,' he suddenly says, 'I'll see you tomorrow evening.'

'Yer see ya, guv.'

As soon as he leaves I drift of into a deep slumber and for the first time in weeks I don't have nightmares about Delaney.

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I am awoken by the sound of a briefcase being lowered to floor. When I open my eyes I am aware of two things. The first thing is that it is now morning. The second is that there is someone sitting beside my bed that I thought I would never have to see again….

…Doctor Cassandra Gleeson, my counsellor from three years ago; she counselled me after the rape.

'Wot are you doing 'ere?' I ask.

'The doctors here at St. Hughes hospital called me. They were concerned that you had tried to kill yourself and once they were made aware of medical history they called me in to offer you counselling-'

'I don't want no bloody counselling. I tried it before, after my rape, and it didn't work.'

'Well I'm afraid it's not just a case of if you want to this time, Mickey, you attempted suicide so your doctors think you need professional help.'

I say nothing but think that is the biggest load of crap I have ever heard.

'So,' continues Cassandra, 'I wish to begin the sessions as soon as you get out of the hospital. The sooner we start the better, Mickey.'

I roll my eyes.

'I'm here to help you, Mickey,' she adds.

I've heard that one before and all but realise that I have no alternative option but to take the bloody counselling sessions.

'Yer ok then,' I reply.

I know I'm going to regret this.

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One week later I am pulling up, in my car, outside of Doctor Cassandra's practice. Taking a deep breath, as if somehow it will prepare me for what is about to come, I lock the car and then make my way into the reception area.

The receptionist is bright and cheery as she tells me to take a seat in the waiting area if only the same could be said for me. I can feel the butterflies in my stomach churning as I wait. How long is this going to take anyway?

Eventually I am summoned into Doctor Cassandra's room. The room is typical of all these kind of places; white-washed walls with no character or soul. A desk top with a computer in the corner. There is still much else in the room except for two chairs with slightly thread-bare seats. Doctor Cassandra gestures that I should sit on one of these chairs. I do so. She sits upon the other, which is opposite mine. We sit in silence, me hunched over myself, for a few minutes before she says:

'Don't look so frightened, Mickey, I'm here to help you not scorn you.'

What if I don't want help?

'Yeah I know,' I reply, meekly.

'Do you want to tell me about?'

Not really but I guess I have to.

'I just…' I begin, groping about in my mind for the right words, 'I dunno where to begin.'

'Start at the beginning,' says Doctor Cassandra, grabbing a notepad and pen to jot down everything I say. 'What was happening prior to you attempting suicide?'

'Well I'd just finished with my girlfriend, Mia, cos I discovered she had been cheating on me wiv me boss.'

'That must have been hard for you to take.'

'In a way, yeah, but in another I felt relieved.'

'Why do you think that was, Mickey?'

'I dunno. Fink it might 'ave been cos ever since the rape every girl I've ever got close to 'as treated me different as soon as they 'ave found out about the rape.'

'In what way?'

'Well they treat me like a victim; someone who should be treated with pity an' concern an' it's not just 'em that's like that its people at work too. It makes me feel like I ain't normal, as if I'm wrong somehow.'

'In what way does it make you feel wrong, Mickey?'

'Dunno. Just makes me feel dirty. After I discovered Mia cheating on me I thought it was cos I was dirty an' so I began to clean myself in the shower at 'ome every night, religiously, after work. Then I knew that wasn't working so I thought the only way to stop the pain and the hurt was to end it all cos even after all this time the pain an' the suffering hasn't gone away.'

There is silence for a few minutes and then Doctor Cassandra says:

'I believe you are suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. You can recover from this, Mickey; you just have to believe in yourself and I am willing to help you because you are worth it.'

I say nothing.