Techie awoke on that fateful morning the same way she woke most other mornings.
She rolled out of bed and onto the floor with a thump.
Bruises aside, it was still better than waking before dawn courtesy of a night terror, and with a yawn and a stretch, she scrambled up off the floor.
The lair was eerily quiet when she emerged from her room and started for the little make-shift kitchen, eyes glued to the coffee maker like a starving man's would attach themselves to a cheeseburger.
Caffeine. God, let her make it to the caffeine before any disasters occurred. She didn't have the strength to slay any would-be assassins until she had coffee. Her dependence on caffeine to function might have been called an addiction, but Techie just considered it to be fuel, much in the same manner gasoline makes a car go, caffeine made her go.
Shuffling to the coffee maker, she found the pot already full and a post-it note tacked to the top of it.
Gone to get groceries. Cupboards are bare. Coffee's double strength Columbian this morning. Don't drink too much while we're gone, you know how you get! C&A
Oh honestly. One little incident of caffeine poisoning and they never let it go.
She chugged two cups in rapid succession just to show those fools. She could hold her caffeine just fine. That sudden urge to bounce when she walked had nothing to do with the caffeine…she was just in a good mood. Quite possibly the best mood she'd been in in ages.
The door to the lair slammed shut suddenly and surprisingly, she didn't jump, just turned calmly to see the Scarecrow and Riddler walking into the kitchen…
Though the Scarecrow's walk would more likely be called a stomp, due to the scowl he wore and the angry way he stalked into the room, a book tucked under his arm.
"Morning Squishy," she said brightly before turning to greet the Riddler. "Hi Eddums."
If she noticed that he suddenly looked a bit sweaty, nervous and bright red, she didn't make comment about it. "You guys want coffee?"
The Scarecrow looked, if at all possible, even more sour when she held the coffee pot up in invitation. He glowered and Edward tugged at his collar with discomfort.
Techie didn't withdraw the pot from under Jonathan's nose until he actually growled at her. "Geez, Jonathan, what bug crawled up your shorts?"
His eyes flashed. "My shorts are of no concern to you, madam."
"Right, that's exclusively Al's department."
His expression turned thunderous for a moment and the wild idea that maybe he would slap her for that occurred to her.
Now, slapping didn't worry her…the capsule of fear toxin that he most assuredly had folded into one of his sleeves did.
"I mean, she is the laundry mistress around here," Techie amended quickly.
He just got more irate looking.
THUMP.
Crane pointed at the three inch thick volume he'd just deposited on the table. "Explain!" he demanded angrily.
"Huh?" She said eloquently in response to his furious shout.
"NOW!"
"Explain what? I don't--"
"The book, you dull witted little fool! The BOOK!" He reached over, picked up the hardcover and chucked it at her with more force than was absolutely necessary, probably hoping to take out one of her eyes.
She caught it, barely, and looked at the cover.
A black domino mask was spread on waves of cream colored silk, accompanied by the title 'The Very Secret Memoirs Of A Henchgirl' printed in lurid type in a shade of red so dark it could have been brown.
"Very funny. How much did it cost you to print up the dummy book?"
With a huff, Crane marched forward, snatched the book from her hand, flipped it open, and handed it back to her.
She had to squint to see the print clearly, as she hadn't put on her glasses yet, but when things finally came into focus, her face went red.
Edward Nygma has always been able to undo me with the smallest of looks; the tiniest of touches. His skill when it comes to the way he makes me feel is absolutely unmatched. Jonathan is a talented lover, to be sure, but something about Edward just--
Techie slammed the book shut and looked up long enough to glare at the man who'd tossed it to her. "Is this some kind of a joke? 'Ha ha, get a laugh at Techie's expense'?"
"I can guarantee you this is a very serious matter." He pointed at the book. "That thing is everywhere!"
"And you think Iwrote this?"
"Didn't you?" He snarled.
"I didn't write this...this...I can't even come up with an adjective bad enough for it!"
"Are you certain?"
"Exsqueeze me?" Techie squeaked. "Let me tell you something, buddy, I've written smut before and that is tripe in comparison to anything that's ever sprung from my pen!"
"That is the authorized sequel to Diary Of A Henchgirl," he returned, blue eyes locked with her black ones accusing readable in them as though they had they had the word floating across them like a news ticker.
"Oh? Authorized like the first one, was it? If you recall, I didn't 'authorize' that one!"
"So? You wrote this to get back at me!"
"I would never! This is not my style! Itching powder in your costume, faking a pregnancy, getting you drunk and crawling into bed with you to make you think we slept together; That's my style."
"You swear to me you didn't write that?"
"On Shatner's life!"
Taken aback, Crane narrowed his eyes at her. That was very possibly that highest oath she could swear and though still looking somewhat doubtful, he was moderately placated.
"Fine. You didn't write it."
"You believe me?"
"Not that it matters…either way, if you didn't write it that doesn't tell me who did." His lip curled into a sneer. "Every villain in Gotham is featured in that obscene manuscript and none of them in a particularly flattering light! Even the heroes of Gotham didn't get away unscathed!"
He flopped down in a chair, arms tightly folded across his chest.
"You read the whole thing?"
"I skimmed!" He defended. "To see what had been said about me."
When she didn't reply, he glanced up at her to find she was staring at Nygma, not really seeing him and looking rather pale.
"What?"
"It just occurred to me...if...if you were angry about this...and this book has other villains and heroes mentioned in it...and everyone else thinks I wrote it." She swallowed thickly, looking very much like she might pass out at any moment.
"I'm a dead woman."