Change of Heart
By Tempest Break
Disclaimer: Don't own practically anything. The only new one is the concept of Pureblood's Poison, which was apparently a good idea (most reviewers said).
Summary: James and Lily are finally together, but does Lily actually like James, or is she just going out with him for his sake? James vows to make her love him like he loves her, but he'll have to work hard to make Lily have a change of heart.
- - - - - - - - -
Chapter Nineteen: A Good Ol' Can of Whoopass
Lily and Colleen refused to leave Selena's side that night, and James and the others would have stayed, too, but Madam Pomfrey kicked them out of the Infirmary. So James, after parting ways with the other Marauders at Gryffindor Tower, went back to the Head Tower alone, feeling very hollow inside as the sound of his footsteps echoed off the cold, stone walls. He spoke the password and halfheartedly cringed at the hideous sound the griffin's stone wings made as the entrance appeared.
The fire had long ago gone out, and the common room was freezing. James drew his robe around him and sank into the squishy, red easy chair, suddenly realizing how lonely he was without Lily sitting in the common room with him.
Lily's unfinished Potions homework still sat on the table where she'd left it. James leaned over it and studied Lily's neat, cursive handwriting. While doodles always framed James's work, Lily's was completely clean.
Suddenly a shiver ran down James's spine as he realized how quiet the Head Tower was without Lily. The thought that across the castle, a girl he'd known since first year was dying made him long for the company of friends. He quickly left the empty common room for one much more populated.
It was well past midnight, and the February air was chill. James could see his breath form in puffs in front of him. As he walked briskly to Gryffindor Tower, he reflected on Selena's condition. He had sometimes wondered about Selena – she had never seemed much for doing, as she said, but rather noticing, something that might be more valued in Ravenclaw House. In fact, she seemed to have rather much more affinity for the Ravenclaws than most Gryffindors. But James, once again, had realized that his idea of bravery – risks and sometimes foolish bravado – perhaps paled in comparison to Selena, who was at this moment facing her death with a smile of relief.
Suddenly, James heard footsteps. He looked quickly around him and realized that he had wandered far away from the Gryffindor portrait hall; he was now somewhere close to the dungeons.
Staircase must've shifted, he thought, panicked. He absentmindedly clutched for his Invisibility Cloak, but realized he had forgotten that as well as his way. He prayed that the footsteps belonged to someone other than Filch and dived behind a protruding wall, hoping that whoever it was would not turn down that particular corridor.
Unfortunately for James, the owner of the footsteps only seemed to come closer. Then, to his great dismay, he heard, closely following the steps, a suspicious meow.
Mrs. Norris, James groaned inwardly. He could swear on his life that cat could smell the fear in out-of-bed students. He was just preparing to make a run for it and hope for the best, when –
"I'm doing nothing wrong, you stupid animal," snarled an oily voice that James knew all too well. "Why don't you scurry off to your Squib of a master before I hex you to within an inch of what is hopefully your ninth life?"
Mrs. Norris hissed and made a low noise in her throat, but at Snape's menacing stomp, she seemed to dash off. The footsteps continued, and James was surprised to be feeling gratitude for Severus Snape. The feeling, in fact, was so foreign and uncomfortable to him, that as Snape passed James's hiding place, he could not stop himself sneering, "What are you doing out of bed, Snivelly? Hoping to find some house pets to sacrifice?"
He was pleased to see Snape jump before whirling on James. Snape's eyes immediately took in James's position, and he raised his eyebrows appraisingly. "What are you doing hiding in the shadows, Potter? Not quite the spotlight you usually seem to enjoy," he said, his lip curling with distaste. He looked around him in mock interest. "And where is your entourage of equally attention-hungry cronies? Black finally lose the last few brain cells he had? Or did half-breed Lupin gobble up the other two?"
James fought the urge to withdraw his wand and instead said, "What, that thought still haunt you from last year? Bet you cry yourself to sleep at night. You ought to show a little more gratitude to the person who saved your life."
Snape's eyes flared at that – James realized that Snape hated the idea of being indebted to James as much as he did to Snape. "Yes, yes, very noble, saving me to ensure that you and your friends escaped with your own skins," he hissed derisively, "never mind looking the hero in front of Lily Evans, the only girl who never threw herself at your feet."
James stood a little straighter at the mention of Lily. "Well, for your own peace of mind, Snivelly," he said, "you'll be happy to hear that I've never told anyone else of the life-debt you owe me. I prefer to keep our connections to a minimum. Besides" – he looked arrogantly down his nose at Snape – "Lily's just agreed to go with me. So now that's happened, it looks like you've taken over her position as the only girl who's never thrown herself at my feet." He smirked.
Snape, however, seemed to shocked and angry for words. His black eyes blazed angrily at James before he turned on his heel and stalked off, his robes swirling around his calves.
James smiled triumphantly to himself and set off once more for Gryffindor Tower. He reached it without further incident, muttered the password to the Fat Lady, and walked in.
As soon as he entered the common room, the triumph he had felt over getting the last word with Snape evaporated. Sirius, Remus, and Peter were sitting around the dying fire in silence. Their heads jerked towards James as he entered. Sirius called out a weak, "Hello."
Sirius's normally jocular face was pale as a sheet. His blue eyes, which usually crinkled at the sides from smiling, were void and staring, the black eyebrows above knitted together. His pearly white teeth chewed his bottom lip, and his fists clenched and unclenched alternately.
Peter was twitchier than usual. His fingers would twist the hem of his robes together, then stop, as though he was trying to calm himself down. Within the minute, his hands would be back at the robes again. His breath came out in short gasps – Peter breathed through his mouth when he was particularly nervous, James had discovered.
James turned his gaze on his last present friend. At first glance, Remus seemed the calmest of them all. His milky blue eyes were half-lidded, peering out through his brown eyelashes; his hands were folded neatly on his lap; his face was completely serene. Then James noticed the littler things: the things that told him Remus was the most disturbed by Selena's decision. His eyes, though half-closed in what would seem like satisfaction, were blinking rapidly, almost every other second. Remus's knuckles were bone-white, and the tendons on his arms stood out, so tightly was he clenching his hands together. And finally, when the firelight caught on Remus's face just right, James could see the shiny streaks of tears rolling down Remus's cheeks.
James desperately wanted to say something – anything – to break the deathly silence. It was slowly killing them all, the thought of what Selena was going through. James saw Remus's hand lift to cover his mouth and bow his head, his blond-brown bangs shadowing his face.
There was nothing that could be said. Nothing at all. If one word were spoken, it would be almost disrespectful to Selena's memory.
So they sat in silence for hours, Remus crying silently into his hands.
There was nothing that could be said.
After Peter and Sirius slowly drifted off to sleep on the crimson couch, James and Remus were left. The clock struck the hour, dismally tolling four bells. The last bell faded away, and the silence settled in the room even deeper than before.
"Do you..." croaked Remus, his hand over his eyes. "Do you think... she's gone now?"
"I... I don't know..." answered James quietly.
A few minutes passed in silence. Then Remus looked James in the face, his eyes bloodshot from crying, and he whispered: "I hope it's over."
Suddenly tears streamed down James's face. He nodded his head vehemently. "I do, too," he said. "I do, too." He swiped at his eyes with the back of his arm.
Remus bit his lip. "She was so brave for so long," he said. "Now that I know what she'd been going through, I'm completely in awe of her. What a..." – he rubbed his eyes with the heel of his palm – "...what an amazing person."
James nodded in agreement; he could do nothing else.
- - - - -
James had apparently fallen asleep, because the next thing he heard was the tolling of the bell for breakfast. He looked groggily around him to see that Sirius and Peter were just opening their eyes, while Remus stared sullenly at the glowing embers in the fireplace, black-and-blue bags hanging faintly beneath his eyes.
The four of them plodded down to the Great Hall in silence. James couldn't remember a time when the Marauders had been so collectively quiet. McGonagall would think the apocalypse was coming, should she see them now.
James was shocked when he entered the Great Hall to find that all of the students were laughing and talking as though nothing had happened the previous night. Then he remembered that they probably did not know about Selena. His heart sank at the thought – it had affected him so deeply, yet the majority of Hogwarts' population knew nothing of last night's tragedy.
The Marauders took their seats and filled their plates. James picked listlessly at his food, his head resting on his hand.
"Hey."
James looked up and was surprised to see Lily and Colleen. They each looked exhausted – their eyes were bloodshot, their hair mussed, and their faces pale. Lily sank gratefully into the seat next to James. He took her hand in his and squeezed it lightly, sending her a sad smile.
Colleen collapsed like a broken marionette between Remus and Sirius, wiping at her wet eyes and sniffing. Sirius sat dejectedly next to her, unsure of how to comfort her.
Sirius nudged the pitcher of syrup towards Colleen. She rubbed her eyes and looked at him. He offered her a small smile. She smiled faintly back and grasped the handle of the syrup jug.
"She's dead," Lily finally said. All heads except Colleen's jerked towards her.
"When?" Remus asked.
"At about half-past three," she answered quietly. "She'd been asleep for a couple hours, and she just... drifted off. It wasn't painful for her at all."
"Yeah, it wasn't painful for her then," muttered Colleen into her empty plate. "Think of the eleven or twelve years she had the disease. What about the pain during those years? Didn't anyone – didn't her father – ever think about that?"
"Hey, you guys." David Gilmore stood just behind Colleen and Lily, grinning cheerfully. "D'you know where Selena is? We've got a Potions project due in a few days."
Colleen pushed herself up out of her seat and brushed past David without saying a word. David stared at her back in surprise as she hurried out of the Great Hall. "Whoa, what's wrong with her?" he asked, blinking.
"I'll go after her," volunteered Sirius, standing. He cast a look at David: half anger at his upsetting Colleen, half sympathy for not knowing what he'd gotten himself into.
Sirius sprinted out of the Great Hall after Colleen. He didn't quite know where she'd gone, but he didn't have to look far; quiet sobs alerted him to her whereabouts. She huddled behind a statue of Godric Gryffindor, her face buried in her arms.
"Colleen?" he said tentatively.
"Go away."
"Sorry. No can do." He took a seat next to her. After much consideration, he draped his arm around her shoulders. "Gilmore's a jackass," he told her. "No delicacy in that boy. None."
She rubbed at her eyes with her hand and choked out, "Not his fault. He didn't know." She sniffed and turned to look him more or less in the eye. "I can't remember the last time I cried. It was so long ago. I'd thought I was done with it. Forever. But... I guess not."
"Well... you know..." Sirius trailed off lamely. "One of your best friends...died..."
"I know. It sucks."
Sirius laughed in spite of himself. "That wasn't my point, though," he said.
"I should hope not," Colleen chuckled lightly.
Sirius smiled to see her becoming her old self. "What I was going to say is that it's fine that you cry about Selena. If I'd been close enough to her – which, unfortunately, I wasn't – I would be crying buckets now."
"You, Black?" she asked. "A big manly man like you, opening the floodgates?"
"That's me," he told her earnestly. "I'm very sensitive, really. Always talking about my feelings and where my relationships are going, if we're moving too fast, if we're moving too slow, if we're moving in reverse…" He looked her in the eyes seriously. "You know, sometimes I cry after sex."
After a moment without reaction, Colleen smiled back – a real, authentic grin through the tears. Sirius had never felt better about making a person smile.
"¿Qué está pasando aquí?" asked an unfortunately familiar voice. And, as no one else at Hogwarts spoke Spanish as far as Sirius knew, it could only be one slimy git: Rodrigo Martinez.
"Beat it, Martinez," Sirius snarled at him, "before I kick your arse out the window."
"Ooh, that's terrifying, Black," snorted Martinez, his gang of Hufflepuffs and Slytherins sniggering.
"You give Hufflepuffs a bad name," Sirius said. "Why don't you just ooze over to the Slytherin dorms where you belong?"
Martinez ignored Sirius's jibe and sneered at Colleen, who he seemed to have just noticed with sadistic glee. "What's wrong, niña? Crying about losing the game? Pos, claro." He laughed cynically. "What else would a little girl do?"
"You asshole," growled Sirius, trying to restrain himself from crushing the other boy's skull.
"What is it you Brits say? Ah, yes… 'Sticks and stones can break my bones – '" began Martinez.
"Yeah, they're not the only things," Colleen said, and to Sirius's immense astonishment, she hauled back and launched her fist at Martinez's face. It connected with a satisfying crunch, leaving Martinez holding his bloody nose and groaning. Clutching his face, he quickly stumbled off toward the hospital wing, his gang shooting baleful glances back at Colleen and Sirius.
Colleen cradled her hand, but she had an incredibly gratified look on her face. Upon noticing Sirius's shocked expression, she said, "It was time to open up a good ol' can of whoopass on that guy."
- - - - - - - - -
Tempest: Well, I'm sorry it took so long to get that out... and it's pretty short... I can't think of anything to say, so I'll respond to some reviews.
To SammySolo, Cherry, Sallymander, and sillydilly101: You guys all cried? That's so amazing. I'm really proud now. I didn't think it was a particularly sad chapter, but that's probably because I'd been planning Selena's death... Wow, that sounds kinda disturbing, doesn't it? Starling94, Lvz2Read, and kleigh: I'm glad you guys liked the Pureblood's Poison idea. That gave me severe writer's block. I finally just gave up on trying to be all scientific and made up a lot of crap about it... But it was initially going to affect the immune system... Then I just did it the way I did. Lily Natalia Evans and Ancient's Daughter: I'm glad you both liked Selena enough to be upset about her death. I worried that her character wasn't big enough... Although if she'd been bigger, I probably wouldn't have dared to kill her off. To k: No, I haven't personally chugged syrup, although my friend Irene has (the one on whom Colleen is based), and she's told me about it. I thought it was the kind of wacky thing that Sirius and Colleen would do, so I threw that in. Stepha-Lah: Yes, I think we can safely say that Selena is dead. And, last but not least, to orligrl: Why kill Selena, you ask? Many reasons. Selena had nothing really to do; this was her big thing. I needed Selena to do something interesting, and this was also a good way to get Sirius and Colleen together. But the main reason I killed her off is that I can't stand it when there's a story where you know nothing is ever possibly going to happen to the characters. It just irks me beyond belief. Basically, Selena's death is a way of keeping you guys on your toes.
So, see y'all soon. Maybe. Buhbye! And, oh yeah, review, review, review!!
8-12-07: This chapter has been revamped! Hope you enjoy it more than before.