Change of Heart
By Tempest Break
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter as I write this chapter or any of the upcoming chapters. This is the last disclaimer I'm doing.
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Chapter Thirty: Caring Is Creepy
James figured he was pretty much the luckiest guy in the world. He was rich, smart, attractive, and had pretty much anything he had ever wanted and ever could want. And at that exact moment, a gorgeous redhead by the name of Lily Evans was pinned underneath him on his bed, kissing him passionately with those beautiful lips of hers.
Yeah, life was the best.
He pulled briefly away to look at her. He left his mouth resting on hers – he couldn't bear to completely separate. "I want a shirt that says, 'I heart Lily Evans'," he told her, smiling.
She grimaced. "Yeah, that wouldn't be nauseatingly cute at all," she said sarcastically.
"You're nauseatingly cute, all right?" shouted James in mock anger. "That was an insult."
Lily laughed against James's mouth. "That one hurts."
"I know." He grinned and kissed her again. His fingers played over her side, slowly sliding her shirt higher up…
"Jaaaaaames!"
James pulled abruptly away from Lily. She blinked in surprise at him. It hadn't been her voice that had shouted his name. It was an obviously male voice, and it had come from his dresser. James glared at the offending magic mirror from whence Sirius's voice had called.
"James, please! I need to talk to you!"
James sighed and reluctantly left Lily. He picked up the mirror and ran his hand through his hair. "What is it, Sirius?"
Sirius's expression was distraught as he said haltingly, "Lela just – She just came – came up to me in the hallway, you know? Yeah. Yeah, the hallway outside the library. You know? Well, she came up to me, and she – Hahah, this is funny. She – she said that – hahahaha – that Colleen had – had cheated on me with – with Dennis Bergen! Haha! Isn't that funny, James? Isn't it funny?"
James's eyes widened. He glanced at Lily, who looked equally astonished. Sirius still rambled on in his anxious tone.
"Yeah! Funny, huh? Haha. Right?"
"Sirius," James said in concern, "are you okay?"
"Of course I'm okay! I'm perfectly alright," Sirius said quickly. "I was just… She's lying, right?" This last was unnervingly serious.
James bit his lip. "I don't know, Sirius. It doesn't sound like something Colleen would do – "
"Exactly!" laughed Sirius. "I didn't think so. Haha."
"But you should probably talk to her about it, don't you think?" James continued tentatively.
Sirius was silent. When he spoke again, he was much more subdued. "Yes. I do." Then his face disappeared from the mirror's surface.
James set the mirror down on the dresser and looked at Lily. She held out her arms to him, and he walked to them. "I love you," he muttered into her shoulder.
She rubbed circles in his back. "I love you, too," she answered. "I will never leave you."
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Sirius slid the mirror under his bed and sighed. He wanted to talk to Colleen and dreaded seeing her at the same time. He left his bedroom and stopped at the top of the stairs. His feet wouldn't carry him farther. He almost turned back to his room, but he forced himself to continue the excruciating walk down the stairs to the common room.
He wasn't sure if he wanted to see Colleen there. On the one hand, it would be a relief to confront her about everything. But on the other, he kind of didn't want to fully acknowledge that something was wrong, even though it obviously was. He really just hoped that he was overreacting and nothing was wrong.
But he found with dismay that Colleen was in the common room, and she didn't seem to be occupied with much. She was only sitting in the corner in one of the squishy armchairs staring at the wall. Sirius found her utter stillness unnerving.
He approached her slowly, studying her. She hadn't noticed him so he was free to look at her. She seemed tired and worn, in a way that would be nearly unnoticeable to anyone other than Sirius. Her fingers were idly twisting her gray sweater-vest over her abdomen, her legs curled up next to her.
"Colleen," he said upon reaching her.
She snapped out of her reverie, looked up at him, and grinned, but forcibly, Sirius could tell. He hated it with a horrible passion. "Hey, what's going on?" she asked brightly, but her eyes were tired.
"Nothing, I was just…" He trailed off. He sighed, pulling up the nearest chair, which was wooden and uncomfortable. He shifted around in it, crossing one leg over the other and then switching, before he finally gave up trying to get comfortable. "Just thinking, I guess," he finally finished, his hands uncomfortably in his lap.
"Good thinking or bad thinking?" Colleen asked.
"Just… thoughtful thinking," replied Sirius, with a tentative grin. Colleen didn't laugh. She looked at him solemnly. Sirius looked back at her.
Suddenly he burst forward, leaning close to her. "What's wrong?" he demanded. "I know there's something the matter with you. You're so… so distant and forced and so bloody cheerful! I'm worried about you and Lela Lyndall told me you cheated on me with Bergen and I can't stand the thought and I don't think you did but I don't know what to do!" He nearly wailed this last part, burying his face in his hands and resting his elbows on his knees.
Colleen looked at him in sad alarm. She hesitantly reached out a hand – when had she ever been hesitant about touching Sirius? – and placed it on his shoulder comfortingly. She couldn't think of anything to say, but she hoped he appreciated the gesture.
"I think this is the first time you've touched me in weeks," he muttered into his hands.
Colleen's stomach churned. She hated the note of despair in his voice. She clenched her hand on his shoulder more tightly, but she still couldn't find any words.
"It's not – true – is it?" he asked haltingly, looking up at her. "What Lela told me. It's wrong, right?"
She hated having to look away, but she didn't want to meet his eyes right then. They were too horribly vulnerable for the barb she carried. She absolutely couldn't lie to him, even though he was practically asking her to with that look.
"I didn't cheat on you," she finally said, glancing at Sirius. She could see in his eyes that his heart had soared. "But Bergen did kiss me." She braced herself for his crushed look –
– But instead of drooping his eyes blazed furiously. "That guy's lips touched yours?" he shouted, enraged. "I'll murder him!" He flew from his seat, ready to find Bergen wherever he was, to tear him limb from limb.
"Sirius!" she exclaimed. "Calm down – and sit down." She pulled him down by his arm. His possessiveness scared her, when she had begun feeling more and more distant from him. He still thought of her as his girlfriend, whose lips were no one else's to touch. It was almost as though he had been the one violated in the library – and Colleen, whose indignation did not even begin to touch Sirius's rage, felt as though he were even claiming her reactions as his.
"Sorry," he said, breathing loudly. "It just bothers me."
Colleen offered a weak smile, hiding her rising distaste for this conversation. "It's okay," she replied, playing with the hem of her gray sweater-vest.
There was a short silence, before Sirius came to another realization. He inhaled hesitantly before saying, "But… there's another reason you're off. What's wrong?"
She subconsciously pressed her fingertips onto her stomach. "Nothing," she responded out of habit.
"Bullshit!" he burst out, startling her. "That's not true, and you know it. I have a right to know. I am your boyfriend, after all. You've got to tell me, we're going out. We share everything, right? So tell me."
Colleen hated the words Sirius was stringing together. The reasons she needed to tell him when that was the last thing she wanted to do.
"Sirius, I can't tell you," she murmured.
"But I'm your boyfriend," he persisted. "You have to tell me."
"Why do I have to tell you?" she asked, her voice rising warningly. She fixed him in a hard, sideways gaze.
"Because you're my girlfriend! We're supposed to share everything."
"Just drop it, Sirius – "
"No! I can't do that. You mean too much to me, Colleen, you have to tell me. It hurts me too much not to know."
"And what about how much it would hurt me to tell you?" she answered, nearly yelling now.
"It should make you feel better to tell me!" Sirus insisted. The first years were turning to look at them, and Colleen tried to ignore them. "What's mine is yours! Your secrets are my secrets! You're my g – "
"Oh, go away!" she exploded, standing from her chair. She planted her feet on the floor and loomed over him. "Go away and leave me alone. If I have to tell you because I'm your girlfriend then maybe I shouldn't be anymore!" She spun on her heel and headed toward the stairwell to the girls' dormitory.
The blood drained from Sirius's face. "No!" he shouted, bolting after her. He grabbed for her arm but she wrenched it out of his grasp. "Colleen, no, please. Don't do this. It's fine, really. You don't have to tell me." His voice was frantic.
"Sirius, this conversation is over. I'm leaving."
"No, I won't let you!" Colleen's eyes blazed at him before she hurried away. Sirius grabbed for her and caught her leg, which she tried to jerk away. His hands slid down to her shoe, which wriggled off her foot with their dual insistence.
"You can't leave, I've got your shoe!" he exclaimed, holding the shoe triumphantly.
Colleen stared at him with a mixture of fury, sadness, and pity. He realized how ridiculous his waving her shoe was. She stood there in one stocking foot, looking at him, before she said:
"Sirius, I think it's over."
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Tempest: This is extremely short, too, but I wanted to get out another chapter before the night was over, and I'm losing interest, and if I stop now, I'll never finish. That's because I'm lame.
But anyway, I finally wrote the scene I was waiting for for a LONG time. You guys won't be happy with it, but it's nearly the end of the year, and as you know, Sirius doesn't have a happy ending. This will probably end up incongruous when the book comes out, but it doesn't matter. I'm intent on finishing this story no matter what (the hope that I'll finish before the book's release seems unlikely), even if I have to label it "AU". So don't worry—you'll find out what happens.
Now for some reviews. So Desperately Obvious: Well, Colleen seems pretty adamant about not telling, doesn't she? Kat44: Sirius wouldn't break up with Colleen, as you saw in this chapter. But you were right about the breaking up, so congrats. Aimz16: Wow, thank you. I'm very pleased that you think I rock. Chocolatefroggie19: James and Lily have basically been going about their happy lives. They don't seem to have many pitfalls, so there's no real reason to discuss their relationship, except to bring them back (they are supposedly the main characters, after all). In answer to your question: Lily would have tried to get Colleen to talk about it, but would have only gotten the barest details. Besides that, there's nothing much to be said about it. KerryBear: I'm glad you feel so strongly about Lela. She's meant to be a total bitch. Haiga: If it's not normal, than I must be out of the norm, too, because I love heartbreak. Heh… it's pretty weird, I guess, but it makes it more interesting, huh? Lochnessie: Or should I say ashesinfinity? Thanks for all your reviews! I love people who come back. I really appreciate it. Just wanted to let you know. DJSlipperyFeet: You should know that your review nagged me for the longest time. I kept thinking, "Wow, has it really been since April 28? That's absurd. I should update." As you can see, eleven days after you posted it, I updated. Thanks for getting me off my lazy ass.
Also to sunlitmist, LJ Fan (a recurring reviewer—thanks!), Shima and Tempis (another longtime reviewer—love ya), jsas, animerocksjapanrocks (once again—wow, I have a lot), wudnulike2know, urban brat, nilepharaohess, Jessie xxx, warrior of tortall, katie (that's my name, too—I was so confused when I got the review), kittysam220, milky way bar (recurring reviewer!), Amber Moons, StarRuby, Katie (once again—confused), MyPOV, Smiles28, lillyskywalker3, and pixi child: A thousand thanks for your reviews. Everyone contributes and I love it. Thank you SO much. I'm trying for 1000 with this chapter—I hope you guys return to review!
Review, review, review!
8-28-07: This chapter has been revamped! Hope you enjoy it more than before!