Change of Heart
By Tempest Break
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Chapter Thirty-One: Social Claustrophobia
Colleen felt horrible. Her insides had shriveled up into nothingness, leaving behind a hollow void, wherein she could see only Sirius's stunned expression, unmoving, like a Muggle photograph.
"But really, what could I have done?" she wondered aloud. She was the only one in her room, so she didn't have to worry about being overheard. She flopped herself face down on her bed and buried her head under her pillow.
She didn't react well under pressure – at least, not social pressure. She performed perfectly under the gaze of hundreds of Hogwarts students when on the Quidditch pitch, but such confrontations as had just occurred were the bane of her existence, lately in particular. The hormone levels in her brain were reaching weird levels and she overreacted to almost everything.
She didn't hate Sirius. Not really. The feeling had passed. She had gotten riled up and lashed out at him. What she did hate was his possessiveness and his neediness and his goddamn adoration of her.
"I don't want to be adored," she spat testily. "I just want to be left the hell alone."
She rolled onto her back and looked up at the red canopy of her bed. She hadn't wanted to hurt Sirius. She really liked him a lot. But the tenseness of the three weeks since she had – found out – had gotten to her. She could hardly spend time with Lily, her best friend, before Lily's personality crushed Colleen's self-esteem and hampered her freedom. She sought time alone more often than she had in her life.
She sighed. "No, that's not true, I don't want to be left alone. I should be left alone, I'm so cruel."
She understood full well that it was unfair to do this to Sirius without warning. She wondered if it was unfair to herself, too. She doubted Sirius would reject her if he knew she was pregnant. He would probably be overjoyed and throw away all recollection of the fight. But she was too proud, too deeply entrenched in her solitude now. She hated sharing her secrets with others. "Socially claustrophobic," she called it.
Something slightly pointy dug itself into her arm. She reached for it and pulled out a piece of cardboard paper. It was Ichabod Ingelbert's card, the man from the British Quidditch Industry. It had his address and any other needed information.
The card was, essentially, the answer to her problems. She wouldn't need money if she went into the Quidditch business. She would be doing something she loved. She wouldn't have to burden her already bogged-down father.
Sirius's hurt face resurfaced in her mind, and she groaned and rolled onto her side so she faced the wall.
"I want to drown myself in a puddle," she muttered.
- - - - -
The next morning, it was no secret that Colleen and Sirius had broken up. The whole of Gryffindor House knew about it, and all of the students' friends, as well. James had received a broken and sobbing message from Sirius via the magic mirror. Lily, however, hadn't spoken to Colleen yet, and she was reminded of the secret Colleen had told her the other day. She wondered if that had anything to do with Colleen's leaving Sirius, though from what she could tell, he had acted a little irrationally.
"Well, I don't think stealing her shoe was a good move," James had said over the mirror.
"Yes, I realize that now," Sirius had replied sadly. "I gave it back. She took it back, but she wouldn't take me…"
"Maybe you should let her calm down and then talk to her rationally about it," James had suggested. "No shoe-stealing."
Sirius had rolled his red and swollen eyes but agreed that it was probably a good idea.
So after sleeping on it, Sirius had woken up early to talk to Colleen again, making sure he was subdued enough to speak without becoming frantic and needy again.
He couldn't think of anywhere they could talk without being in the presence of several other people, so he decided on sending her a message by owl. Drawing his robes around him in the cold hallways, he trekked down to the Owlery and scribbled a note. He handed it to a brown school owl with instructions to give it to Colleen during breakfast.
By the time he finished in the Owlery, most of the students had gathered in the Great Hall for breakfast. Remus was already down there with Peter, and Sirius took a seat next to the werewolf.
Ever since their little confrontation, Remus had taken it upon himself to keep an eye on Peter. He tried to make him feel welcome in all situations. He spent as much time as he possibly could, between studying for his many finals, with the mousy boy. Peter seemed to have gotten better, too. But every now and then, Remus would be unable to find the fat little boy for a night. He worried.
Last night when news had reached Remus and Peter of Sirius and Colleen's breakup, Remus had watched the boy from the corner of his eye. Peter's face hadn't changed much, but his eyes had lit up as Jake Bell related the details to them.
Seeing Sirius's haggard face at breakfast made Remus dislike Peter's glee even more. The mousy boy spoke with alacrity and eagerness this morning, buttering his toast with true delight and tucking into the breakfast. Sirius remained despondent. Remus looked on in distaste.
"So I guess you heard, huh?" Sirius said finally, his chin resting on his palm.
"Sure did," said Peter around a mouthful of biscuit. He swallowed quickly and continued, "Jake Bell came and told us all about it last night."
Remus cut in: "We're both awfully sorry, Padfoot. Is there anything we could do?"
"I'm trying to handle it by myself," he replied.
Remus cringed at the thought of Sirius "handling it by himself," but he shrugged and resigned himself to letting his friend do just that.
Students began filing into the Great Hall. James and Lily joined the three boys, pretending not to notice Sirius's depression and untouched breakfast.
"Um, excuse me?" came a voice from behind Sirius. Out of the corner of his eye, Sirius saw James look up at the voice's owner and grimace. "Do you know where O'Brian is?" continued the voice.
Sirius turned to find a distastefully familiar countenance standing behind him. Bile rose in Sirius's throat and he bolted to his feet. He loomed over the scarred boy, all of his despondence quickly morphing into anger.
"And what would you be wanting with Colleen, Bergen?" he demanded.
Bergen looked startled by Sirius's actions. "I just wanted to talk to her…"
"Well, I don't know what 'talking' means in your book," spat Sirius acridly, "but in mine it doesn't involve forcing yourself on someone's girlfriend."
Ex-girlfriend, his mind reminded him, but that only further incensed him.
Bergen blanched at the mention of this. "I actually wanted to talk to her about that – "
"If you lay a finger on her – "
"Sirius…" James said warningly.
" – I'll see to it that that finger is torn off your hand!"
"Black, I don't really think you should – " Bergen began.
Sirius's anger finally bested him. Before he could do anything, his arm hauled back and his fist flew, catching Bergen straight in the nose.
The shorter boy stumbled backward into the Ravenclaw table, falling into some underclassmen, one of whom was Michael Sayers. Bergen wobbled to his feet, holding his right hand over his nose. Sirius could see blood oozing between the cracks of his fingers.
"SIRIUS – BLACK!"
Sirius turned toward the voice, his rancor already waning and his knuckles smarting from the contact with bone. Colleen stood at the entrance to the Great Hall. Her eyes blazed with fury.
She whisked down the aisle toward Sirius and Bergen. Upon reaching the two of them, she shot Sirius a look and went to help Bergen. "Are you all right?" she asked him.
Bergen nodded out of manly pride, though it was obvious he was in a lot of pain.
"Michael." Colleen turned to the Ravenclaw boy. "Could you help Bergen up to the Infirmary, please?"
Sayers, shocked, agreed with a nod of his head and quickly aided Bergen in walking out of the Great Hall.
As Colleen turned back to Sirius, Professors McGonagall and Ares had already swept up to the two of them.
"Just what is going on here?" McGonagall demanded of Sirius and Colleen. "Why did you hit Dennis Bergen, Mister Black?"
"He has no excuse, Professor," cut in Colleen, still glaring daggers at Sirius. "Please punish him as you see fit. I'm done with him." She shot one last glance at him before stalking out of the Great Hall.
McGonagall turned her attention to Sirius once again. "I can't imagine what provoked you to attack Mister Bergen. It pains me to do this so close to the end of school, but I'm afraid I must dock Gryffindor fifty points and assign you detention for the remainder of the school year."
"But Professor!" James burst out. "That will put us behind Slytherin in the House Cup running!"
The professor looked at him sadly. "So be it," she answered with resignation. "Mister Black, report to my classroom tonight for detention."
"I will, Professor," replied Sirius, hanging his head. The two older women took leave of the castigated young man.
Sirius stalled a moment before turning and dashing down the aisle after Colleen.
"Sirius!" James shouted, but it was too late: he had already left the Great Hall.
James shook his head. "Nothing he does is a good idea."
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Upon reaching the hallway, Sirius stopped and whirled his head each way to see if he could find Colleen. He heard footfalls to the right, heading toward the Infirmary, and he bolted after them.
As he rounded the corner, he caught sight of Colleen heading up the stairway. He finally reached her, passed her, and planted himself on the landing above her.
Colleen glared at him. "Get out of my way, Sirius."
"No," he said stubbornly.
"This isn't helping you any, you know," she replied warningly. "I'm not going to take you back just because you've chased after me after decking Bergen, who did nothing to you personally and who, although he's an immoral lout, doesn't seem to know much better – and who you had no business doing anything to in the first place! I'm not your girlfriend anymore, Sirius. You can't fight battles for me any longer – not that you could in the first place."
"I'm not trying to get you to take me back," Sirius answered deferentially, trying not to be frantic. "I just wanted to… to apologize."
Colleen raised an eyebrow at him but said nothing.
"Apologize for how I've behaved myself last night and this morning," he continued. "I really am sorry… and I can understand if you never want to lay eyes on me again."
Colleen bit her lip. As much as she hated his behavior, she really did like Sirius a lot. She couldn't help forgiving him, but she was still angry.
"Apology accepted," she said grudgingly, her arms crossed over her chest. "Now I really do need to check on Bergen, so if you'll excuse me…"
Sirius politely stepped out of Colleen's way and watched her ascend half of the next staircase before shouting: "I love you!"
Colleen stopped but didn't turn around. She was completely still for a moment before she silently continued up the stairs.
With a sigh, Sirius left and headed back to the Great Hall. Colleen watched him walk away as she leaned over the stone banister of the staircase. She sniffed and rubbed at her eyes before continuing on to the Infirmary.
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Tempest: I think the next chapter is the last one. After that there is an epilogue (which I've already written—it's exceedingly short). Anyway, I hope you guys enjoyed this story, as it's winding down. The next chapter will only be graduation and stuff. I'm extremely proud that I've gotten more than 1000 reviews. Thank you, everyone.
Now I will respond.
Arissta Kequet, sunlitmist, warrior of tortall, haiga, tuxedo cat, and Shima And Tempis: I'm glad you guys felt bad for Sirius. I also hope you understand why Colleen broke up with him. So Desperately Obvious: I'm glad you thought the scene was well written. My favorite part is the shoe part, which incidentally I stole from Friends. Wudnulike2know and starburstweetie: Yes! You guys are right! Sirius DOESN'T have a happy ending. That's why I'm not giving him one. I can't just completely go against what JKR has written. Gosh.
Special one to FallenMystery, who hasn't yet reviewed chapter 30, but started reading the story when I posted it. Thank you for reviewing every single chapter. I really appreciate it, especially because it really boosted my review count. Thanks.
Also to animerocksjapanrocks, Sirael, sum1strange, LJ Fan, Amber Moons, Phillippa of Phoenix, chocolatefroggie19, Kat44, jsas, and ?? (if that is your REAL name): Thank you all for reviewing. Only two more chances to do so after this chapter. (sniff) How sad.
Anyway, review, review, review!!
6-01-08: This chapter has been revamped! Hope you enjoyed it more than before.