It was the hardest thing Kakashi had ever done. Nothing in his training had prepared him for looking into the eyes of a good, decent man who had done no wrong and stabbing him through the heart. The fact that Kakashi's weapon was words instead of a kunai did not make the blow any easier.
"They're not your students any more…"
He said the necessary words, backed by a firm belief in what his team could do, and watched as betrayal washed over the face of a man he had only recently begun to think of as a friend.
Kakashi had spent a lot of his life asking for forgiveness, but it was always from the dead. He had no idea how to beg it from the living.
---
He remembered when he had first noticed a graceful streak racing through the slumbering village. Intrigued by the ninja's movement, economical, yet beautiful, he'd silently moved in closer to see who the runner was. He didn't know anyone else who liked to run at night.
To his surprise, Kakashi discovered that the mysterious runner was Umino Iruka, a quiet academy teacher who often manned the mission desk in the afternoons. He found himself pacing Iruka as he ran, admiring the man's stride and agility. For fun, to see if Iruka would notice, he allowed his hair to glint once in the moonlight, but only for a second. The chuunin did notice, though he of course betrayed no outward sign, and the run soon became a race, a game, unspoken, but enjoyed by both. Before he knew it, Kakashi was spending every week looking forward to the one night when he could race alongside Iruka.
He always meant to speak to Iruka, to talk to him after their weekly run, but the right moment never seemed to present itself. He might have drug things out even longer had Mizuki not decided to betray the village, almost killing Iruka in the process.
After the clean up was over, Kakashi sat for a long time on top of the hospital roof, waiting for night to finish falling. He was out of sorts. He wanted something, but wasn't sure what it was. To see Iruka, a small part of his mind whispered, but he refused to think of a reason why that might be.
However, there was nothing wrong with checking on an injured comrade, just to make sure he was all right, nothing more. Kakashi slipped silently through the window of Iruka's hospital room. The younger man lay on his stomach, blankets crumpled at his waist. His torso and right arm were wrapped in bandages, leaving one muscular shoulder bare.
Kakashi knew what Mizuki had done, but seeing the marks left by kunai and shuriken angered him more than merely hearing about it had. He stepped closer to the bed and the sleeping man stirred.
He froze as Iruka blinked up at him through eyes hazed with sleeping pills and painkillers. "I'm sorry…I'm going to miss our run tonight," he whispered and his eyes drifted closed again. Kakashi felt one corner of his mouth quirk up in a reluctant smile. His fingers moved of their own accord to stroke lightly against Iruka's hair, loose from its usual ponytail. He stayed until the injured man's breathing deepened into sleep once more and then slipped out of the window to race through the night alone.
---
That fool! Kakashi couldn't believe Iruka wasn't heading straight to bed after his run. He'd only been out of the hospital for a few days. The doctor had told him that a run was fine, but only for half his usual distance. Kakashi had overheard the conversation from his perch on the roof above Iruka's hospital window.
Not that Kakashi himself would have listened to the doctor's advice, but Iruka was supposed to be sensible, level headed. So why did it look like he was going to begin running again after completing his allotted exercise?
Kakashi had been careful not to let himself be seen or sensed by Iruka as they ran that night. He knew that when they ran together they competed; they pushed each other to run harder, longer, faster. That wasn't what Iruka needed right now, so Kakashi figured he would remove the temptation.
Now, however, as he looked at Iruka's frustrated face, he began to wonder if the competition was the only reason why Iruka ran with him. For that matter, was it the only reason why he ran with Iruka? It couldn't be that Iruka missed his company, could it?
As Iruka began to jog once more, Kakashi quickly took the form of one of his dogs and blocked the path. He watched Iruka's confusion as the younger man stopped, turned to run the other way, and found a second dog blocking him. Instead of pushing past them, the teacher paused, closed his eyes, and pushed outward with a small amount of chakra, searching for the person who had to be behind his two canine obstacles.
It took more of his control than Kakashi had expected when Iruka's push reached him. The man's chakra was strong and well ordered. Kakashi got a whiff of sunshine, eraser dust, and green tea and had a sudden, strange urge to wrap his chakra around and through Iruka's, to draw the two of them closer together.
Before he could act on that urge, Iruka turned toward Kakashi's dog-form and said, "Okay, I understand. I won't push myself any more tonight. Thank you for watching out for me…Kakashi-sensei." Then he smiled and Kakashi began to understand why Naruto went out of his way to do things for his former teacher.
Dispelling his dog-form, Kakashi listened as Iruka told him that he was going to be running at night from now on. For a moment he didn't understand why Iruka had mentioned it, but then the realization struck him. The chuunin was choosing to run with him because he enjoyed the company, Kakashi's company. A warm feeling surged through Kakashi's body and he fought down a wild laugh as he wished Iruka a good night.
When the door shut behind the other man, Kakashi leapt up and sprinted off over the top of the village, hopping from light pole to light pole, faster and faster, buoyed by an emotion he was unable to name and unwilling to contain.
---
So they began to run together every night of the week. Even when Kakashi took Team 7 to the Land of the Waves, he tried to run at the same time each night, knowing somehow that Iruka was doing the same.
When the team returned from that disastrous mission, Kakashi was at Iruka's house the very first night back. Iruka had looked up into the darkness, sensing Kakashi standing on the roof of the house across the street. "I read the report, Kakashi-sensei," he'd said compassionately. "Do you still want to run tonight?"
Kakashi had stepped forward out of the darkness and nodded once, unable to speak. "Very well. Let's run over the rooftops tonight. That will keep your mind occupied." And the teacher had been right. Running over the rooftops was challenging enough to keep Haku's face out of his mind for a time and the wind blew heavily enough over the top of the village to dry any tears he might have shed.
That night Kakashi had stood on the roof for a long time, watching Iruka's closed door and thinking about compassion and friendship and whether he was deserving of either.
---
Now it seemed all his thinking had been for nothing. There was no way that Iruka would forgive him for embarrassing the man in front of the other nins and the Hokage. But Kakashi knew that he was right. His team was ready for the chuunin trials. Why couldn't Iruka see that?
He arrived at his rooftop perch earlier than usual. He'd briefly considered being late, so that when he discovered that Iruka had already left to run without him, he would have a better excuse than "he hates me now." However, a part of him felt he needed tormenting as some small payment for the damage he'd done to Iruka's ego. So there he was sitting in his usual place when Iruka's door opened and the teacher stepped out, dressed for a run.
Iruka didn't glance his way, just started running, but slowly enough that Kakashi knew he was expected to follow. Iruka headed toward the forest, obviously planning to run through the trees. Kakashi trailed a little ways behind.
As they ran, Kakashi could sense no anger or hurt leaking from Iruka. Maybe he wasn't really mad? But he'd looked mad earlier in the meeting. Kakashi didn't understand what was going on, but followed Iruka anyway, hoping that maybe a clue would present itself.
The moon was new, so the forest was swathed in darkness. Kakashi allowed his body to focus on running and let his mind wander over the day's events, trying to figure out how to mend the rift he'd created. He could see Iruka ahead of him, leaping from branch to branch as if he hadn't a care in the world, so when the attack came, he was caught off guard. Out of nowhere, 146 pounds of angry chuunin lunged toward him, fists swinging toward his face.
Kakashi automatically grabbed Iruka's wrists to keep himself from getting decked and stared into deep brown eyes blazing with fury. "Iruka-sensei, I'm sorry. I only did what I felt was right. They're ready for the exam. I promise you." Kakashi frantically said more words than he'd spoken in several months of running together. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to embarrass you."
"Embarrass me? I don't care about that." Iruka spit the words out. "If you truly think your students are ready, that's fine."
Kakashi was confused. "Then why are you mad?"
"Swear to me you're not doing this as some twisted game, something to amuse yourself as you watch them fail!" Iruka's voice was taut with rage, his arms trembling with emotion.
"What? No! Of course I don't want to see them fail. Why would you think that?" Kakashi froze as he remembered what else he'd said at that meeting. Suddenly he knew why Iruka was so mad.
Iruka took full advantage of the other man's momentary distraction. He leapt forward with both feet, pulled back on the wrists Kakashi still held, and flipped both of them over and off the tree branch. Kakashi automatically let go of Iruka's wrists and they both twisted to land on their feet at the base of the tree. Without pausing, Iruka took off running toward the village.
As he ran after him, Kakashi cursed himself for being even more of a fool than he already knew he was. Of course, Iruka wasn't mad because Kakashi had embarrassed him. It was that stupid joke. "It would be amusing to break them." Damn it! Why had he tried to joke his way out of that one? Because you try to joke your way out of everything, the voice in his head whispered traitorously.
Iruka loved those kids, loved all his students. As a teacher, he would eventually understand why Kakashi wanted enter them in the trials, even if he didn't agree with him now, but he would never understand how Kakashi could joke about them being hurt. Kakashi ran faster, knowing he had to try to explain himself to Iruka, but not knowing what to say or how to say it.
As he sprinted through the night, he reflected that there was obviously more to Iruka than simply being a quiet schoolteacher. Now that he thought of it, Kakashi could remember one of the older nins telling stories. She had said that Iruka had had a fierce temper as a child, but no one listening to her story had believed her. What level of control did Iruka have to master that kind of anger to the point where few remembered it even existed? Was he a chuunin because he couldn't pass the jounin tests or because he didn't choose to take them in the first place? After all, Iruka had used a simple doppelganger technique and gotten the jump, twice, on a special jounin.
Kakashi could see Iruka as he reached the door to his home. "Iruka-sensei! Wait!" he called out, before the man could disappear inside. Iruka froze, back turned and rigid.
"I'm sorry, Iruka-sensei. I swear, I didn't mean it." Kakashi babbled desperately. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." At his words, Iruka sighed deeply and slumped forward to rest his head on the doorframe.
They stood silently for a long moment and then Iruka straightened up and nodded once, without ever turning to look back. "I know you are." As he opened his door, he said, "Good-night, Kakashi." Kakashi flinched at the deliberate omission of the honorific, but knew that today, in Iruka's eyes, he had not earned the right to be called teacher. Iruka sighed again. "I'll see you tomorrow night." The door closed with a quiet click, while Kakashi stood dumbfounded.
Who was Iruka really? What kind of man would forgive an idiot genius who didn't know how to talk to people or how to keep from saying things he didn't mean? Kakashi slouched home, where he lay awake all night, asking questions his ceiling could not answer.