Pain
Chapter 6

"Don't tell me... You don't love me anymore; do you?"

His emerald green eyes twinkling under the moonlit sky, I watched Sasha flirt with an old guy off to the side of the marina. I swallowed, feeling my palms start to sweat, feeling my throat get tighter.

"I do love you, I do."

He watched me. Watched me with those brilliant eyes. The same eyes I had. He grabbed my hand and pulled me along to a darker part of the marina. I knew people were watching us, giggling, They always thought we were a couple, instead of seeing us as what we really were.

"If you love me, you'd let me do anything, won't you?"

I bit my lower lip, feeling the sharp pain wash over me. I nodded slowly, a small trickle of saliva and blood running down my chin. Sweaty palms grasping my arms and waist, I closed my eyes, determined not to watch him as he did his business.

But I wanted to. I so wanted to.

Feeling such emotion was surely impossible. Feeling such pain. There was no way. I knew Jimmy had some kind of effect on me, but I never knew he could do this.

"Will you hate me if I told you I loved you?"

I sighed as Betty tried desperately to be as emotional as her part called for. She wasn't doing it though.

"Will you love me if I told you I hated you?" replied Carl, the other lead in the play.

We were doing a new play by a young woman named Hyeree Han, who knew our Drama teacher, Ms. Cortes. Carl was playing the main man, Neil Harris, while Betty played Skye Stevens, the main girl. The play was in modern times, a little drama happening between these star-crossed lovers.

"Of course, Neil. I will love you no matter what. I don't care if you hate me. I love you, and I will always love you."

I gagged, and then watched Betty as she pulled on Carl's hand. He was pretty much average weight now, wearing contacts and getting better allergy medicine... So she wasn't as repulsed by him as before...

"Skye, babe. You know you mean a lot to me... But this really... I mean..."

And right on cue, Betty ran out, sobbing like a little mofo.

I heard a light clapping in the back of the theater, and I heard everyone turn their heads to see who it was. And as surprising as it seems, I turned my head too.

Oh.

"Bravo, Betty. Carl."

Nick strolled down the aisle and stopped right by my seat. He leaned down, and whispered in my ear. "I'm going to give Betty a ride home, alright babe? You find your own ride tonight."

I swallowed and nodded, feeling my heart rise into my throat. He was doing it again. He found out. He was punishing me.

I rose from my seat, trying hard to stop the vomit from flowing freely from my mouth. I felt the tears, felt them blind me as I stumbled toward the exit. I knew. I knew people were staring, I knew people were laughing.

I don't care.

Why?

Why does Nick do this? He told me he cared about me. He told me he loved me. But he still does this... Was it because he was repulsed by me? Was I somehow unattractive to him? Did he want me to know that?

Gaahhh. Why do I keep doing this to myself?

I stopped as I felt the raindrops roll down my face, as I heard the honk behind me. Was it Nick? Was he coming to get me? Why do I do that? Why do I set myself up for these emotional beatings? Why do I have so much hope for Nick?

"Hey, Cindy!"

Oh. Jimmy.

I turned and saw him running towards me, his dark red hair appearing black as the rain plastered it to his forehead. I watched his shining blue eyes watch me, the edges of them crinkling in a smile as he saw me stare.

"Hey," he repeated. He was panting heavily, a smile weakly playing along his handsome features...

"Hi."

I was almost as startled as he was at my raspy voice wheeze out a greeting.

"So... Can I offer you a ride?"

A ride? Jimmy had a car? Of course, my suspicions were confirmed as he waved his hand toward the large red truck sitting a few feet away.

"Because this rain seems like it's going to keep on going for a while..."

I nodded slowly, but turned away and stepped forward. I felt him grab my arm, turning me around again. My lips puckered through instinct, but I reeled them back in as soon as he opened his mouth to talk.

"Look, Cindy. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I really didn't. I'm so sorry. I knew about you and Nick, but, God, I can't get you out of my mind!"

He looked so desperate for some kind of confirmation of acceptance of his apology, so desperately sad. I nodded and placed my cold, clammy hand on his arm, feeling the gooseflesh rise quickly. He shivered, trembled at my touch, and I quickly took my hand off, afraid he might be afraid too.

"I'm so sorry. But... But I think... I think I'm in love with you."

It was as if he dropped the H-Bomb right in front of me. The world had shattered, the brilliantly sharp pieces of it slicing into my heart and ripping my soul into pieces. Maybe I was afraid, or maybe I was surprised. Either way, the world had stopped.

"I'm sorry. I don't know why.. And I've tried to tell myself you're with Nick and happy and all, but thinking about what Nick does to you... It makes me sick, actually, it makes me sick to know that the girl I'm desperately in love with is being abused by her boyfriend who doesn't even give a crap about her."

He crossed the line there. I don't know why, don't even care, but what he said made the red rage from deep inside of me fly out.

"He's not abusing me! How many times do I have to tell you jerks he loves me and won't be like that anymore! I have to stop myself from blowing up like this everyday because I know you guys would think I'm crazy, but, you have to stop it. There's no problem!"

Then Jimmy grabbed my shoulder, violently settling me down, making me feel as if I was in Nick's grasp.

"Look at me," he growled. "You need to know something. I will never give up on you. Understand that? I will never stop trying. You know why? Because you deserve better than he does, even if it ends up not being me. I don't want this happening to you, the same way it happens to..."

Happens to? Who is he talking about?

"..Never mind." He sighed and ran a hand through his soggy hair. "I'll see you later."

Then he was walking away, practically sprinting, and leaving me alone, all alone and being rained upon.

Ring-ring. Ring-ring. Ring-ring.

Will he answer? Will he think of me when he takes the phone? Will he answer with a warm hello? Will he be annoyed?

"Hello?"

My heart beat wildly against my rib-cage and I swallowed, feeling my dinner rise from my stomach.

"Hello?"

First time calling after he walked out. First time. And it wasn't going as well as I had thought.

"Hello!"

My eyes widened, the tears threatening to leak out. I took a shallow breath and grasped the tight fabric of my jeans.

"Hi," I whispered. My hair fell into my eyes, but I made no move to swipe them away. I lifted my hand to my mouth and began biting my well-worn nails.

"Cindy? Is that you?"

I nodded, but I realized he couldn't see me since I was calling him, so I whispered into the receiver. "Yeah."

"Wow. I never thought I would hear from you again! How are you, pumpkin?"

"Fine," I mumbled. "My birthday was last weekend."

"Really? So how old are you now? Fourteen?"

"Fifteen."

"Oh, right. Uhh, so how's Sasha?"

"She's fine."

"That's good."

"Not really. She treats me like crap since you left."

"Why?"

Because you brought home the money, jerk.

"Because she's depressed."

"Oh. Well, tell her I'm sorry for leaving. Tell her it was because of... Personal matter that didn't include her."

Sorry? Who was he kidding? And I won't tell her anything.

"Okay."

"Umm, well, I gotta go, so can you call me later?"

"Sure."

That was the last time I ever talked to him.

I rubbed my sweaty palms on my comforter and pressed those little buttons. They made little beeping noises as I pressed them, and I held my breath as it rang.

Ring-ring-ring. Ring-ring-ring. Ring-ring-ring.

"Hello?"

So familiar...

"Hello?"

"Hi."

"Oh, Cindy! Hi. I never thought you'd call!"

He sounded groggy, as if he had just woken up. Well, it was two in the morning...

"Yeah, I'm sorry, Jimmy. I wanted to talk to someone. I couldn't sleep."

"It's okay."

"Okay."

"So is there a certain agenda you wanted to talk about, Cindy?"

"Not anything particular."

"Umm... How about Nick?"

"No."

"Okay."

We could talk about your kiss, your sudden confession. I only thought, never said. Always.

"So, Cindy... Why can't you sleep?"

"I don't know. If I did, I think I'd try something."

"Yeah, good point."

"Uh-huh."

"You're talking more, Cindy, I think that's a good sign."

"Of what?"

"Of your personality."

"What's wrong with my personality?"

"Nothing. Well, nothing we can't change."

"Why would you change my personality?"

"Because you don't care if someone is doing something wrong."

"There's nothing wrong going on here."

"I'm sure there isn't." There was a pause, and then I heard him take a breath. "Listen, Cindy, I was wondering if we could meet somewhere."

"Today?"

"I don't know. I guess sometime when Nick won't find out."

"That's would be now."

"Well, I guess I would have to say yes, since I have practically no choice."

I heard the cheeriness in his voice, the raw hope. I grimaced and sit up. He was slurring his speech, getting more likely to fall asleep any second.

"Okay."

"Alright. So where should we meet?"

"I don't know. Maybe we can just drive around."

"Sure."

"Okay."

"Mmm-kay, bye. See you in a moment."

"Okay."

"Bye."

"Okay."

"I'll see you."

"I'm going to hang up now."

"Okay, you do that, Cindy."

Why was I doing this? Was there a reason for doing this? I felt dirty... I felt as if I was betraying Nick by talking with Jimmy. Would it really be a crime? Having an actual friend for once?

"Hi."

Jimmy was practically shining in the moonlight, practically projecting his own light. He seemed so happy, it would be such a sad time for him when Nick finds him with me. It'll happen eventually.

"Hey."

"So, my truck's over there."

It was sitting by the curb, the bright red paint glowing equally as bright as Jimmy.

"Okay."

"Alright," he said with a smile. "Let's go."

I nodded and we walked quickly over to his truck, and I rubbed my bare arms in the November chill. He walked up behind me just as I was about to open the door and settled a heavy leather jacket on my shoulders.

"You can wear this until we get back."

I nodded and settled into the seat a second later, smelling that new car smell in my nostrils. He smiled at me as he settled into his own seat and turned on the engine.

"We should get there quickly."

After a minute of passing rows of silent houses, silent shadows, Jimmy turned to me and sighed.

"Why won't you talk about Nick?"

"Love."

"How would you define love?"

"A deep emotional bond with a person, perhaps?"

After a moment, he smiled, a chuckle forming deep within his throat.

"I knew I missed these."

"These?"

"Intelligent conversations," he said with a laugh. "I hardly have them. Usually the only intelligent person I'm around is my mom or Libby. And I'm talking about humans, too, otherwise Goddard would be there."

I smiled at him and looked out at the grass of the park. The early dew drops twinkled underneath the lamplight, and I thought of all of those midnight trips here with Jimmy when I was younger.

"You remember, don't you?"

"Yes."

"Do you remember all the times we kissed under that exact tree right there?"

"No. I don't remember that at all."

"Maybe this'll help..."

He leaned in and settled his warm lips over mine, and I felt that tingly feeling come over me again, just like the day before, just like that one time he had done it unexpectedly... He slid his tongue over my teeth, and my jaw loosened unwillingly, my hopeless mouth savoring the taste of him. This time I had no intention of pushing him off, no intention of digging my fingernails into his arm.

He slid away from me, placing his head into his hands, groaning. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to do that. It just... It just happened, okay? I couldn't help it... And you're not helping it either! You with your mystery... I love you."

The shock of his words rolled over me and I shivered under his jacket, letting my head roll onto my shoulder. I sighed and felt the ghost of his lips on mine, and I felt the cold air make them tremble.

"Take me home."

"I'm so sorry, Cindy."

"Take me home."

"Okay..."

It had happened again. And I liked it. Much more than I liked Nick's kisses. Much more than anything of Nick's.