Chapter Thirteen: Rehearsal

"Ugh, this is stupid," Virginia said, flopping down in her seat.

"You know that, Leona knows that, I know that, Selmak knows that," Jacob said.

The two were at the rehearsal dinner for Sam's wedding, two days after Daniel and Vala's wedding. Sam's mother-in-law—who Virginia had dubbed "Godzilla"—was practically bursting with happiness.

Virginia and Jacob weren't.

"Are you and Leona really separating?" Jacob asked.

"Yeah. I talked it over with Garshaw. They've got a girl lined up. And this was an experiment…though I am going to miss her," Virginia said.

--And I will miss you.--

--Aww! Huggles!--

"I'm going to miss the benefits to…I haven't gotten sick in…oh wow…three years?" Virginia smirked. "And there goes out drinking Jack…Oh well…I bet Vala can."

"A toast," Godzilla said. "To the almost newlyweds."

"Whoopie!' Virginia said under her breath, drinking her wine. "Can I get anything stronger? Because I'm going to need it by the end of tonight. And I'm going into mourning tomorrow."

"I need something stronger too," Jacob muttered. "Like vodka."

"I was thinking that fruity stuff they Reosens have. Knocked me out for 24 hours. It was a bummer of a hangover though. Swear I saw birds," Virginia said.

"Good idea," Jacob said.

"Can I try to sabotage the wedding now?" Virginia asked.

"You two need to shut up," Mandy—Virginia's cousin—said.

"Why?"

"Be happy for Sam!" Mandy hissed.

"I would be happy for her if she and Pete were meant for each other!" Virginia said a bit too loudly.

"What?" Godzilla asked icily.

"Oops…Oh well," Virginia shrugged. "So. Sam and Pete aren't meant for each other."

"Why?"

"Five for five people! That's why! Hello, first year, fourth year, two Egypts, and the munchkins!" Virginia said.

"What?" Sam asked.

"Where did Daniel go the first year? Who came the fourth year? I have more tapes from that Egypt venture too," Virginia said.

"You've got to be kidding me," Sam said.

"I'm not," Virginia said. "And can you spell Zat'arc?"

"Actually, no," Sam said.

"That wasn't what I meant and you know it! And you totally can spell it," Virginia sighed. "Come on. Within five minutes of meeting you he leered at you, ten minutes you had offered to arm wrestle him and you pulled out the reproductive organs line!"

"The what?" Godzilla asked.

"Oh, you probably didn't want to know that…But oh well. It's 'Just because my reproductive organs are on the inside instead of the outside doesn't mean I can't handle anything you can.' Ah, a classic," Virginia said.

"I haven't heard that in years," Jacob said.

"That's because I haven't said it in years," Sam muttered.

"Okay. Point 'bout that though. You were a bit obnoxious and stalker like. Really…" Virginia said. "Oh…by the way. I'm pretty sure that there's not just a munchkin version of him…I think there's a blonde, blue-eyed, obsessed with MacGyver munchkin. But only because I stalk Jon. Literally. Via satellites. And MySpace. But that's not my point."

"What was it?" Mandy asked. "And you should be happy for Sam and Pete!"

"I would, but in the cosmic scheme of good vs. evil, it would be BAD! B. A. D. Capitalized, bolded, underlined, italicized, exclamation point!"

There was silence for a moment "Does she have to be in the wedding?" Mark asked, turning to Sam.

Virginia muttered something in Goa'uld that sounded suspiciously like, "See if I ever save this sorry excuse for a planet again because of you…don't even have the alcohol to have me miss the wedding from Nerut. Bugger."

"Virginia," Jacob said. "Be quiet."

"You be quiet. I want this to be over so I can kidnap Skaara and the two of us will vanish into the deep recesses of the galaxy." She paused. "Or I could go piss McKay off. That'd be sweet."

"Virginia. Shut up," Sam said.

"Everyone hates me," Virginia huffed, crossing her arms. "I have another point. Stupid lady from DC he was dating—they BROKE UP doofus! And when Anise was being painy and gave y'all those stupid bracelets—HELLO! Why does no one get this?"

Sam glared at her. "Are you telling me Samantha loves someone else?" Godzilla asked slowly and dangerously.

"Yes! Though she loves a lot of other people. Martouf, Daniel, Teal'c, Jack, she did love Jonas—that was a fiasco--, Selmak…um…yeah…I think that's it…or that I can get off the top of my head. The list of men that love her or had an infatuation with her longer," Virginia said. "Sketchy Mongolian like man, sketchy Fifth, Orlin—who still scares me—pretty sure Apo did, I've got the guy who can't light fires, Narim totally had the hots for you, Jonas was obsessed, and lots of other that I don't feel like naming."

Pete stared at her. "You really hate me, don't you?" he finally asked.

"Yes…though hate's not the word. I hate Mr. 'I can't light something on fire when it's wet'…you…" Virginia said.

"Virginia," a voice said from the door to their private room in the restaurant.

They all looked to see none other than Anise/Freya flanked by two airmen. "Who let you come here?" Jacob asked.

"Her, I loathe, despise, abhor, detest, can't stand, hate, find insufferable, am repulsed by, dislike, and all around want to kill her. You Pete, not so much. And Mark, you're on the hate list now too. And yeah, who let you out?" Virginia asked.

"It is time now. The girl is dying as we speak," Anise said.

Virginia's face hardened. "All right," she said. She turned to Sam. "I have to go. I'll be back. Probably…" Sam nodded.

Virginia got up and headed for the door. "One thing first," she said, pausing by Anise/Freya. Her fist darted out quickly and before anyone could react, it connected solidly with Anise/Freya's jaw, causing her to stumble back. "Now that was sweet!" she said as she went out.

Anise glowered and stalked out after her. As soon as the door latched behind the Airmen, nearly all of Sam's family burst out into peals of laughter. "Oh God!" Mandy said. "She may be pissing me off now, but Anise's expression!"

"Anise and Freya won't let her get away with that!" Jacob said.

"She's going to never talk to us again!" Sam said.

"I'm confused," Pete and Mark said.

The laughing subsided and when no explanations came, Pete's family and Mark gave up.

It was nearly two hours later before Virginia came back. The group was getting ready to leave when she came in. "Hey, how are you?" Jacob asked.

"Well…being one of the few to go where no Tok'ra has gone before…I'm okay. Lonely. But okay. And my head feels empty," Virginia said.

"It's always been empty," half of her relatives said.

"Y'all suck. Horribly," Virginia said. "Oh, and the girl's fine too. I wanted to make sure she was before I left." She paused. "Oh…bugger…"

"What?" Sam asked.

"I wanted to out drink Jack at the reception!"