Pain
Chapter 17

Why had my stomach turned when I had seen Nick? Was there still something left? There was no way that could be happening... Yet it seemed to be happening right now...

"Cindy?" asked Sheen, "Are you okay? Nick was an ass for saying that, so don't mind him..."

I shook my head and managed a smile, reassuring him the way I knew best. I gave him a quick kiss on the lips and faced my right side, staring out the window. It had started raining when we had left the shop, and now... Now the raindrops looked like tears running down my face, the face that was reflected on the window. But still, it felt like I was crying, it felt like I should be crying. Why did I feel like this? Why must I feel like this?

"I'm perfectly fine, Sheen, don't worry about me, okay?"

I saw out of the corner of my eye that he was unsure, but soon after, he took my words to heart and relaxed.

"Good, because I have a fun day planned for us," he said with a smile. Puzzled, I looked at him, noticing that he was grinning broadly. What had he planned? And where was it going to be? Surely not outside, for it was raining...

"Where?"

He grinned mischieviously, his eyebrows skyrocketing. "You'll see."

Sighing, I knew he would never give it away, so I continued to stare out the window...

His face was filled with worry.

After puberty, Nick's hotness had disappeared, and acne covered his face, and he had undergone a gawky growth spurt, making him look gangly and too thin for his height. But still I remained faithful to him, remembering how he had been before, how sauve he had been. Late in the year, us fourteen, almost fifteen year olds had nothing but the opposite sex on our minds. Even gangly, too thin looking Nick.

"So, Cindy, what kind of music do you like?"

We had only just started going out, and he was sweating profusely, his shirt damp, the back of it sticking to him. In fact, tonight was our very first date.

"Well," I said, this being before I was 'Silent Cindy', "I kind of like everything. Except for maybe polka, and waltz and stuff like that."

Nodding, Nick took a sip from his ginormous container of soda. "Cool. I like rap. And hip hop."

We sat in silence for the next ten minutes, waiting for the movie to begin. When it did, Nick started yawning, spreading his arms. Absentmindedly, I smiled to myself, grabbing the popcorn tub. Nick continued yawning and stretching, unsuccessfully, while I began munching on our popcorn. Although he had been the 'playa' back in elementary school, his 'skills' seemed to be growing rusty.

Thirty minutes into the movie, he whispered in my ear. "Hey, Cindy, you look really pretty tonight."

I blushed and almost giggled, but instead, I quickly stuffed popcorn in my mouth, staring intently at the screen. On the screen, a girl and a boy were walking and talking, but it seemed like the girl was really mad at the guy. He was apolgizing, but she was pretending not to hear. Apparently, he had done something wrong (something I missed in that thirty minutes where Nick was distracting me) and the girl had gotten together with another guy.. Storming into a crowded shop of some sorts (kind of like the Candy Bar), the girl saw the guy she was now together with hugging this other girl and she was angry... The main girl ran up to the other guy, screaming at him. Now she was mad at both of the guys... But she started to talk to the first guy, and he started quoting this song they used to love to listen together and she got all teary-eyed and the main girl hugged the first guy...

Happy ending. Apparently the movie had absorbed me, since it had already come to its conclusion, it being the main girl and the main guy runnig off together, being all happy.

Walking out of the theater, Nick made a grab at my hand, but I quickly lifted it, placing it in my jacket pocket. He seemed peeved that I was playing so hard to get, but he didn't seem like he was giving up.

"So," exclaimed Nick, putting his hands behind his head. "What did you think of this movie?"

I shrugged and dropped the empty popcorn tub into a nearby trash can, digging a piece of gum out of my pocket. "It was okay. I thought it was way too unrealistic though."

Nick nodded and made a grab for my hand again, and this time I let him have it, smiling at his sweaty hand. Normal girls would have been disgusted, but I took it as a good sign, noting that when someone starts sweating, it means they're nervous, which means the person they're with makes them nervous, which means they like that person.

Slowly we made our way to my house, relaxing in the silence. Soon we were there, and I let go of Nick's hand, smiling warmly at him.

"Well," I sighed, "Good night."

Nick smiled back and he grabbed my hand again, turning me back around. "I had a really nice night tonight, Cindy. And..."

Here it comes, I thought, He's going to confess his undying love to me!

"And... I really like you, Cindy. Will you be my girlfriend?"

I nodded happily, reaching out to hug him. He grasped me tightly, almost afraid that I would let go. Slowly we let each other go, and he smiled again. Soon Nick was leaning into me, resting his lips on mine. I marvelled at his soft touch, and I breathed in deep, feeling euphoric at his smell. He smelled like most boys; deoderant and sweat.

When we pulled apart he smiled at me again, grabbing my hand and squeezing it lightly before letting it go.

"Good night, Cindy. Sleep tight."

I smiled back at him, placing one last kiss on his cheek. How sweet he had been back then... Now... He was... Strange.

"Cindy?"

Startled, I sat up quickly, hitting my head on the window. I rubbed my head and turned to my side, where Sheen's voice had so rudely interrupted my dream. What had brought it on? Why did the memories of Good Nick suddenly pop into my head?

"Huh?" I mumbled, pulling my light jacket tighter. The rain had made everything cold, including Sheen's car, which seemed like an icicle. Apparently the heater was broken, judging from the apologetic look he had just given me.

"Sorry for waking you up, Cindy." He pointed his chin behind me, making me turn around. I saw that we were at Camelot, a mini-golf course/arcade. So that's what he meant by fun. Too bad I sucked at video games. Plus it rained, so I couldn't kick his butt in miniture golf.

Smiling at Sheen, I opened the door, running from the rain and into the warm (or more so hot) front lobby of Camelot. I heard Sheen whoop as he followed me into the stifling room.

Still laughing, Sheen grabbed his wallet, taking out a couple twenties. He took them to the token machine, exchanging the bills for a mass of shining coins. He quickly placed them inside a complimentary cup, bringing them to me. I smiled and took the cup from him, running to the zombie game.

But as I ran, I saw glimpses of myself and my parents, laughing as we played video games... That had been so long ago... Why were all these memories coming back to me now?

I was soon jolted from my mind as I ran into someone, spilling a bunch of my tokens.

"Watch where you're going!" exclaimed the person I ran into. He turned around, staring at me with amazing blue eyes.

Jimmy.

I suddenly felt tears in my eyes and I stood up quickly, running to the nearest exit. I choked back many tears, feeling the rain pound down on my flimsy clothes. I heard someone running behind me, screaming my name and begging me to stop. But I kept on going until I was in a small field consisting of a lot of overgrown grass and a couple trees. I dived down to the ground underneath the first tree I got to, trying not to look up, trying to keep myself from wanting to talk to Jimmy. I knew it was him that had run after me, I had heard his voice too many times not to recognize it.

"Cindy," he panted, and I could hear the pain in his voice as he sat down next to my unmoving body. "I'm sorry."

Sorry? That wasn't enough.

"I know, I know, sorry means nothing, and I should just never had done what I had, but... But..."

I snorted quietly into the grass, breathing in dirt. I coughed and sat up, hoping I didn't get bugs in my nose. I still didn't face Jimmy though, and I looked down at the ground, watching a leave flutter in the wind.

"Look," he said with a sigh. "I don't even have a good excuse for what I did. No, I don't even have a bad excuse! I don't have any excuse!"

Now I looked at him. He looked bedraggled, and I felt pity for him for a moment. But only a moment. What he had done... Had killed me. I had died, another time, yes, I had died.

Softly, he began singing a song we had loved to listen to, a song by Relient K, a song called Be My Escape.

"I've given up on giving up slowly, I'm blending in so you won't even know me, apart from this whole world that shares my fate. This one last bullet you mention is my one last shot at redemption..."

Soon I was sucked into a world not too much unlike the one I was hoping for, one that I had lived with Jimmy before he had killed me. I was watching myself with him, again and again, snuggling, cuddling. It was killing me again.

"And I've been housing all this doubt and insecurity and I've been locked inside that house all the while you hold the key. And I've been dying to get out and that might be the death of me. And even though, there's no way in knowing where to go, promise I'm going because, I gotta get outta here, I'm stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake. I gotta get outta here. And I'm begging you, I'm begging you, I'm begging you to be my escape..."

I started crying then, feeling the tears trickle slowly down my face. Why did he make me feel this way? How did he know exactly what to do to make me love him? But what had made him do the one thing that would kill me?

"I am a hostage to my own humanity. Self detained and forced to live in this mess I've made. And all I'm asking is for you to do what you can with me. But I can't ask you to give what you already gave ..."

Slowly but surely I was falling for him again, and I felt myself move over to where he was sitting, his eyes closed as he sang our favorite song softly under his breath.

"I fought you for so long, I should have let you win.. Oh how we regret those things we do.. And all I was trying to do was save my own skin, but so were you..."

I looked up at Jimmy just as he stopped singing, waiting for me to finish it for him. And I did, once again handing him my heart.

"So were You."

And we cuddled for a moment, and I looked at his reddening eyes. He had cried during the song that he so painstakingly sung for me, so I could realize that he still loved me and that he made a mistake.

"I love you, Cindy," he whispered, his voice cracking. I cringed at the sadness in his voice, but I only responded with a squeeze of his hand.

"I love you, Jimmy," I replied, closing my eyes and settling my head into his chest. Sheen was forgotten and so was Libby. So was the rest of the world. They no longer mattered. We only needed...

Us.