Pain
Chapter 21
I saw only darkness. I saw only the pain I felt. But was it real? Was the pain real?
I woke up to a room not my own. But I recognized it. Yet I didn't run. I didn't scream in agony and run away, far away from this nightmare. I still didn't run as footsteps echoed outside the room I was in, making me shiver. I knew who it was going to be, but I didn't run. I didn't run.
The door opened slowly, a shadow fanning out on the ground before me. Then the door opened all the way, the person standing in front of me, a tray in hand. I gasped in horror then. I didn't know why, but I gasped. Why was I suddenly afraid? Was it because this person had put me through hell? Or was it the fact that I thought he would put me through hell again?
"I thought you would let me die," I said bitterly as he stood there, watching the range of emotions cross his face. I swallowed back the lump that had formed in my throat, sitting down on the bed.
"I wouldn't do that," Nick said quietly, setting down the tray before approaching me. I inched back, thinking horrible thoughts. But he stopped before he was next to me. He just stopped and stood.
"I wouldn't do that," he repeated, his eyes lowering to the ground. Of course. After two years of verbal, physical, and emotional abuse, he picked now to become a gentleman. Yeah, right.
"Why?" I asked, knowing my question was cryptic.
He shrugged and crossed his arms across his chest, biting his inside of his cheek. "I didn't want you to die."
"Sure," I snorted, rolling my eyes. Then I froze, afraid of what he could do to me. But he didn't do anything. He just stood there. Worried.
"I'm sorry, Cindy," he said, a frown on his face. I studied his expression for a moment before looking at his wrist. Who had done that? It couldn't be like he said... He never got hurt while playing football. Never.
"Sorry?" I scoffed, "Sorry? After all that time of putting me through that pain, you expect me to just forget about it and welcome you back with open arms? Well, I won't! Because I'll never forget! I'll never forget all those slaps, those punches! I'll never forget the girls you made out with in front of me, knowing I won't do anything about it! I won't forget about how you treated me like crap, then using me! Because I'll never forget anything! And I'll always hate you!"
He cringed then, his brown eyes leaking a few tears. His own eyes had betrayed him. I laughed, thinking of the image Nick had worked so hard to create. It was all destroyed by a couple of tears.
"I'm sorry," he repeated, lowering his gaze even more. But his head could only go so far before stopping. I sighed. He sighed. "I really am."
"Why should I forgive you?" I snapped, anger replacing fear. Nick looked up and bit the inside of his cheek again, then biting his bottom lip.
"Because I... I didn't want to." His message was rather confusing, and I looked at him in silence, waiting for an explanation. It didn't come.
"I want to know why anyone should forgive you for doing something like that! I want to know! Was it because you were high? Was it because you were drunk? Or was it because you didn't care about me?" I bit my bottom lip and stared, waiting once more. This time he spoke.
"I did care. I do care," he said, a tear sliding down his tan cheek, "I was insecure. I still am."
"Insecure?" I asked softly, "What do you mean?"
I waited for something among the lines of 'I didn't know if you really loved me' or 'I needed to prove to myself that I was strong enough', but maybe I expected Nick to be some insensitive jock who cared about no one but himself.
"I wanted to prove that I wasn't like my dad," he blurted, his face growing red. Was this really what he meant to say? Or had he meant to say something else? Judging from the look that plagued his face, I was guessing it was because he said something wrong...
"I didn't want to become what I did become. But I didn't do it right... I was so stupid! I was supposed to be loving and caring and not abusive at all! But I confused myself! I thought... I thought I was doing the right thing!" he gasped, more tears leaking down his face. "I was stupid! I was stupid! I wasn't supposed to be like that! I wasn't supposed to be like that!"
And slowly, the image that I had created of him deteriorated. Why was he being like this? He was supposed to be a jerk and make me feel like I was right! He was supposed to try and take advantage of me again and give me a reason to cut of his cajones! But why was he being like this?
"I'm sorry!" he wailed, finally crumpling into a heap before my feet. "I'm sorry, Cindy! I didn't mean to! I know there's no reason for me to ever want you to love me again, if you ever did, but I want you to love me! I'm so sorry! I didn't... I didn't want to let you feel like shit, I didn't want you to feel like there's no reason for living... I wanted us to be happy... But I ruined it. I ruined it all, didn't I?"
I couldn't help but nod as he looked up at me with teary eyes, a hand wiping away his tears. "I might never love you again," I said quietly, standing up and walking to his door.
But before I left, I turned around and stared into his wide, brown eyes.
"I may never love anyone again."
With that I left his room, his house, never looking back behind me. I couldn't wait for it all to be over... I was glad he felt like shit now. About time. But had he really meant all those things back there? And what was with not becoming what his dad was...
Realization hit me.
His dad was abusive. What was with this? Why were all the dad's in Retroville becoming abusive? First my dad. Then Jimmy's dad. Now Nick's dad? It's as if they were all in on it or something. It was as if they were in a club! Were they?
"Cindy!" I turned around and saw Nick run after me and I stopped, troubled. Why was he running toward me so desperately? When he caught up to me he stopped, gasping for air.
"Don't go home," he said, clutching his chest. "Please."
I bit my lip and surveryed his disheveled appearance. Why was he acting like this all of a sudden? Why did he care?
"Okay," I promised, thinking I was crazy for listening to him. But maybe it was best if I did. Was it? Now I was confusing myself, making odd thoughts plague my mind. What was going on? Why was I so confused?
"Cindy," he said, grabbing my arm as I was turning around, "I'm sorry. Don't forget that either."
How could I? It was making me crazy. I wanted to know if he was telling the truth. Was he? It was as if God was tormenting me, him being the guy with a match, and me being a girl covered in gasoline. It was as if he was deciding between lighting me on fire or making me worry myself until I died.
"I won't. If you never forget that I'll never forget," I said quietly, watching him as his face contorted into an expression of sadness. Why did he even care if I said anything like this? Why was he being thoughtful again?
"I'm sorry," he said, one more time, releasing my arm and making me wonder if maybe I should forgive him. Should I? Maybe I should. I had nowhere to go... Now that Libby had betrayed me, and Jimmy had been shoved into the hospital, I had nowhere to go. And Sheen... I couldn't go to his house either.. I had broken his heart. Had I? But by not forgiving Nick, I was breaking his heart. But by forgiving Nick, I would be breaking Jimmy's heart.
This was too confusing.
"Okay, okay!" I said in frustration, throwing my hands up into the air in defeat. "I forgive you!"
Nick turned around suddenly, confusion littering his face. "What?"
"I said I forgive you," I said gruffly, pouting. Arguing with myself wasn't all that fun, regardless of what people thought. I knew Nick was having a hard time accepting this, even though this was what he wanted. Was it?
"Thank you," he said in disbelief, taking my hand in his. "Thank you."
With his brown eyes staring into my green eyes, I could feel a spark relighting between us. But I was reluctant to let it flame another relationship.
"Just because I forgive you, doesn't mean I'll love you," I snapped, feeling his gaze snap, shocked. "I need a place to stay."
My roughness didn't seem to affect him for that long, and I almost smiled as he pulled me back into his house. Had I made a good choice?
Or was it going to get me killed?