Pain
Chapter 23

I feel my breath catch in my throat as Nick whispers my name when he climbs into his bed. I feel so horrible, yet I don't know why. I rush to Nick and help him cover himself up with a couple blankets, and I tuck a stray hair away from his face. I hope he'll be okay.

"Nick," I whisper, "Is it really bad?"

He's slow to answer and I really fear for his life. I wish his dad hadn't hurt him so..

"I'm not dead yet, am I?" he asks sarcastically. I don't know why, but a sudden thought pops into my head; I had always assumed him to be an idiot. I had never heard him being sarcastic, let alone know he knew what sarcastic meant.

"No," I breathe, "You're not."

I sit down heavily on the bed next to him, wincing as it creaks loudly. Nick coughs before he closes his eyes.

"It's okay, he won't hear. He's probably already passed out in front of the TV anyway," he mutters. There's a dark purple bruise forming underneath his left eye and I feel tears prickling the back of my eyes and I will them away. I can't cry. He can't see me cry.

I wish I had never realized that I loved him. It made it all the worse for me when I tried to distance myself from him. Besides, I loved Jimmy. Right?

"Cindy," he gasps quietly, "Talk. Please? I don't care what you talk about.. Can you please talk instead of being so silent like that?"

I clench my hands into fists by my side and bite my bottom lip. Why was it so hard for me to stop thinking about Nick? About Jimmy?

"The winter loneliness flies by,
When I think of your eyes,
It hurts to breathe your name,
Because I know it'll never be the same.

I want so badly for you to know,
That everywhere, or wherever I go,
I will want you there,
Everywhere.

Spring is nothing to me,
Only you bring weakness to my knees,
Flowers have lost all meaning,
For you, only for you, am I pleading.

Summer has become hell,
To heal, only time will tell,
I melt like ice at your gaze,
As I drift through this lonely haze.

At fall, I fall for you,
And I don't know what to do,
Will you catch me or is this only me,
I want so badly, so badly for you to see.

Back again to winter, here I am,
Do you want me to do what I can?
Too late, for I have given up on you,
And I'm sure you've given up on me too."

As I finish reciting the poem, I open my eyes. Nick is staring at me and I blush. My hands unclench, then clench again as his gaze penetrates my already weakened mind.

"Who wrote that?" he asks, sitting up. His hair falls down again and I fight the urge to brush it away.

"Anonymous person. I read it in this book I borrowed from the library a couple of months ago." I can feel my breathing return to normal as Nick shrugs and returns his gaze to the inside of his eyelids. I sigh before relaxing.

"What are you thinking about?" he asks. I bite my lip before glancing at him.

"I'm trying not to think actually," I whisper. He nods and clutches a pillow to his chest. He winces as I tenderly stroke his face.

"It hurts a lot doesn't it?" I really do want to know. If he's hurting, we have to get to the hospital. Nick shakes his head and opens his eyes again.

"It hurts, but not too much. I'm used to it, Cin'. Don't worry."

No one else but Jimmy had called me Cin'. I wonder if maybe a part of Jimmy had already made its way to Nick. Wouldn't that imply that Jimmy was dead? Or dying? Surely not. My mind is simply playing tricks on me! But I'm not sure. I don't want to be sure. Of what? Of the fact that maybe I might be in love with the guy who has been beating me silly for an year?

"Nick," I say, my heart aching. For some reason it was a physical pain...

He looks at me quizzically and I bite my lip, unsure of what to say. Maybe I should tell him that I loved him? Or should I tell him to say goodbye for the last time?

"How did my dad get you to lure me to the alley?" I wasn't expecting that. Although it was me, I still was totally surprised to hear myself say that. To ask that.

"He threatened," Nick wheezes, "He threatened to hurt me and everyone else that I knew."

I frowned. My father was truly evil. The only thing Nick and everyone else didn't know was the fact that my father was clinically insane. Maybe they need to know that.. We sat in silence...

"So was it really some anonymous person, or..." Nick trailed off into nothing and I stared at him. He stares back at me with a slight smile and then closed his eyes.

"It was me," I say slowly, clenching my hands against my side. "I wrote it."

Nick opens his eyes again and winks. "I could tell."

It was amazing how charming he could still be after all that had happened to him, after all he had done to me... And he could tell? How? He had never read any of my poems, never saw my drawings.. He was never involved in my life, except for the secret life we had together.. The life I didn't ever want again.

It's a trap. I don't want to be trapped. Everybody's so keen on trapping me here so they can use me... I don't want to be used. I will never allow that to happen again... Never.

"Sorry, Nick, I have to go," I breathe quickly, standing up and walking toward the window. "I'll just.."

He stares at me in disbelief. I'm leaving. He probably hadn't been expecting that...

"I'm really sorry, Nick. But I won't... I can't let anyone trap me again. No more."

He nods after a minute, and I'm almost tempted to smile, but I bite my lip and open the window, stepping onto the damp ground outside. Turning back toward Nick, I see a lone tear trailing down his face. I feel my heart ache and I close my eyes for just a second, willing myself to not go back. I had never known I had willpower.

"Goodbye," I whisper, lifting my hand weakly. He nods again before turning over onto his side, turning away from me. I bite my lip harder and then close the window.

I can't let anyone trap me.