Disclaimer: I don't own anything. And yet it's Sara who gets the hugs. Sheesh.

AN: Sara's getting a little bit better here... after this she should be not as angsty. I hope. Who really knows. Hope people had a Merry Christmas yesterday! Mine was... odd. Way too many people in one house. Dizzy.

It has been four weeks and three days since I found out about Catherine's girlfriend.

During that time, I have come to work hungover about… seven times; gone through three bags of cough drops; oh, and I managed to cut myself several times while I was drunk. At least I don't cut while I'm sober.

Catherine's hurting me enough to satisfy my masochistic nature then. So great.

The only thing that I haven't done is gone to some gay bar and picked up a Catherine look-alike. But I'm depressingly close to that point. Greg thinks that a one night stand would be good for me, though, so who knows what could happen.

Now that Catherine's in a healthy relationship, she seems to clock out much earlier. I know that's not realistic- she never liked working overtime- but I can't help but think it.

I see her a lot less than I used to.

I thought that my heart couldn't hurt any worse. I thought that seeing her with Max every few days had just completely destroyed me. But not seeing her at all… God, it really shouldn't be possible to hurt this badly.

Work used to be my solace. Now, I can't decide whether or not I want to go or not. I mean, working can distract me easily. But it also makes me aware of the amount of time I don't see Catherine.

Which is really, really depressing.

At least Grissom seems to have picked up on my mood. He teams me up with Greg almost every shift, and makes sure that any rape or domestic violence cases go to someone else.

I guess dating Lady Heather makes one a bit more sensitive when it comes to observing people.

It really is a good thing that he's finally in an official relationship with her. I think I might have ended up shooting him if he came to me and said he was worried- no, concerned- with my recent behavior.

I sigh and roll over into the back of my couch. I haven't been sleeping in my bed since the day Greg found me passed out on the floor. For some reason, I just don't feel quite so comfortable on it.

Besides, given the amount of time I spend sleeping lately, I don't think the surface really matters.

It's funny- I had almost forgotten how bad my nightmares can get when I'm under some sort of emotional stress.

Now, I can't believe how I forgot. Watching blood splatter my bedroom wall every night over and over again is a whole new sort of Hell.

I can't decide which affects me more. My not-so-happy-sunshine childhood…

…Or Catherine having a girlfriend.

It is really, really sad that I can compare the two. I mean, I might be in love with her, but isn't this a little much? She's fucking happy without me around. There's nothing awful about that.

I roll my eyes and slam my now empty beer bottle onto the coffee table. This is getting me nowhere. I need to go out and do something before I lose myself in my own misery.

I really wish I hadn't requested a day off. Why had I done that anyways?

Oh yeah. Catherine had a day off. I wanted to be away from work so that I wouldn't think about just why she wasn't there.

What sort of screwed up logic is that?

I shake my head and get up from the couch. I'm going to go running or something.

My ears feel like they're bleeding, my legs are on fire, and I can't see.

I haven't felt this great for months. This is just wonderful. It's been way too long since I've done something like this.

Running in near-freezing weather is a bad thing. It just isn't that healthy. But I honestly can't think of better conditions when running off the pain of a broken heart.

And on the list of things that aren't healthy that I've done these past four weeks, running in bad weather is at the bottom of the list.

This is something that's at least making me feel better. I'm not drowning in depression because of this. So it can't be all that bad.

I can feel myself grinning. I think the sheer exhaustion of what I've just done is starting to go to my head. Running for two hours after having very little to eat all day… stupid.

I really can't bring myself to care. I'm actually feeling good. Even thoughts of Catherine being with Max right now aren't bothering me.

She's happy.

Happier than she's been in all the time I've known her.

And I get to see that happiness every day I work with her.

She might be hot as hell when she's angry, but that's nothing compared to the beauty her happiness gives her.

Seeing that is more than I deserve anyways. So it's fine.

I can do this.

I really can be happy for her, even if she's with someone else.

This can work.

I can make this work.