author notes: thanks for the reviews! this is a short one, and right now my schedule kinda busy, so it might be a while until the next. BUT, I am attempting my first smut which should be up on my website (link on my profile) soonish. so, on with the angst, uh, story...

disclaimer: Buffy tis not mine. just having a little fun. title belongs to Smashing Pumpkins.

timeline: during Graduation Day, pt.1

Zero

I'm standing on here this cold rooftop and I'm just wondering how I got here, y'know? How the fuck did I fall so fucking far?

This is how it ends when you lose your grip on reality. This is how it ends.

On this cold rooftop with the sharp aching of betrayal in my gut. My betrayal or hers? Fuck if I know. Maybe both. Maybe it isn't the betrayal that hurts so damn bad. Maybe it's the gaping hole in my stomach. Maybe. God, I'm so fucking dizzy. How the hell did I let this happen?

So, I'm on this cold rooftop, and all this warm blood's pouring out of my gut, and I'm looking down into the shocked hazel eyes of my greatest enemy. The love of my life. I'm thinking this just can't get any worse. I'm thinking that maybe taking a swan dive into that cement might be the only way to make it stop hurting.

My greatest enemy. The love of my life. The one in the same. She looks wicked scared. Just look at all that blood on your hands, B. Look what a mess I have made of this. Maybe this is what regret feels like. Maybe this is sanity.

I'm smiling. I always smile. Doesn't mean I'm happy. Not that you'd know. You never bothered to ask. I'm smiling, and swallowing all this blood. Look what I made you do, B. I made you just like me.

Remember when I killed that guy? Remember when I told you I didn't care?

I did. I did, I did okay? I really did.

Remember when I lost my fucking mind?

Remember when I tried to torture you?

Good times, right?

I fucking hate you, B.

I love you, B. I love, I love you, I always loved you.

I couldn't bear it, B. Haven't you heard? I'm not so sane.

Falling was easier. Falling is so much easier. Slipping into dark is wicked easy, B. Look at all that blood. On my knife. That's my knife.

It's so easy when you have nothing to lose.

But staring down at you, maybe I was wrong. Maybe. But maybe I was right. Maybe I lost you the minute my hands were stained with innocent blood. I can't live without your love, B.

Maybe that's what this is all about. This was a suicide mission all along, B. I can't have your love, but I have your attention don't I? Better than indifference.

Ya see, ya have to understand here. Mommy never loved me and Daddy liked violence more than hugs and kisses. I don't know where love ends and hate begins. It's all just passion to me.

I don't know how to love.

I just didn't know how to love you.

I still don't.

"Still won't help your boy, though. Shoulda been there, B, quite a ride."

I hope he dies. I hope you cry until you can't breathe. I hope you're never happy again.

I just don't know how to love you.

I take the plunge and let myself fall from the edge, and I almost laugh at the irony of the imagery as I fall.