Chapter 6
War journal entry: Shinji Ikari: April 4, 2017.
"We were supposed to go to Terminal Dogma three days ago, but the Angels had other plans. A large squad of Angels came crashing through old Tokyo-3, wiping out everything in their path. The UN forces continued to put up a brave fight, but they just didn't have what it took to combat Angels; like they ever did.
"Asuka, Rei, and I mobilized in our Evas. Little did we know that this would be one of the last times we would be able to activate them.
"The battle lasted for over 12 hours. The Evas all took a serious pounding, but we managed to once again repel the Angel horde.
"When we got back to base, Misato gave us some bad news. Without replacement parts or circuitry, the Evas wouldn't survive another battle like the one we were just in. In fact, they'd barely be able to reactivate.
"'We have no choice, then,' Rei said, 'we have to end it now.'
"'Agreed,' Misato said, 'Reactivate the Evas for one final mission. Objective: destroy the Second Angel and all of the evidence of its existence in Terminal Dogma.
"It was with an amount of sorrow that we activated the Evas for the last time. Secretly, I knew my mother's spirit inhabited Unit 01, but I never really knew her, so I won't really miss her. I will sort of miss the feeling of accomplishment I get when I pilot the Eva, but that will pass in time.
"We returned to the crater that used to be NERV and found a way down into Central Dogma. We pried open the final door and found ourselves looking at Lilith, the Second Angel.
"'Place N2 charges,' Rei said, 'then set the Evas to self-destruct and evacuate.'
"'What about you, Rei?' I asked.
"'I will stay and make sure the explosives detonate,' Rei replied quietly.
"'Listen up, Wonder Girl,' Asuka barked, 'There was a time when I would have wanted you to blow yourself to hell. But not now. Right now, we need you. Shinji cares for you, and I have to say that I do, too. You're my friend. And if you try to stay behind, I swear I'll drag you ass out of here!'
"Rei was silent. I'll admit that I was shocked beyond belief. I'd always thought that Asuka hated Rei.
"We finished placing all of the N2 charges and prepared to set the self-destruct timers on the Evas. Right as we pushed the buttons to start the timers, time itself seemed to freeze. I heard a voice inside my head. I didn't hear it; so much as I felt it. It felt very strange.
"'Why do you fight us?' the voice asked, 'Why are we at war?'
"I stopped and thought. Rei and Asuka seemed to have stopped, too. I heard their voices in my head as well as the strange one.
"'Who are you?' I asked, 'Are you an Angel?'
"'Of course it's an Angel, idiot,' Asuka's voice said.
"'It is Lilith,' Rei's voice said.
"'Yes. I am the being you Humans call Lilith. I have long watched your kind brutalize my children. I understand why you fight so passionately; a species always fights passionately for its survival. Know this: so long as I am held here, my children will continue to attack in increasing numbers, until they rejoin me.'
"'Why don't we just set her free, then?' I suggested.
"' Are—you—CRAZY?!' was Asuka's response, 'It's an Angel! It's the enemy!'
"'You think as Commander Ikari once thought,' Rei said, 'Shinji chooses a peaceful and merciful solution to the conflict.'
"'Merciful?!' Asuka cried, enraged, 'Why do you want to show the Angels mercy?! They've pretty much wiped out the entire city! They destroyed NERV HQ! Because of them, my momma's going to leave me again!'
"I could hear Asuka's mental sobbing. It broke my heart to hear her in such pain.
"'Yes, Asuka,' I said, 'the Angels have, indeed, taken a lot from us. But we've kept something from them as well; their mother. And as you well know, Asuka, the bond between a child and its mother is something which should never be broken.'
"'Lilith,' I continued, 'I'm offering you peace and freedom on one condition: that neither you, nor any of your kind ever return to this world. Refuse this condition, and you will be destroyed.'
"'Young Human,' Lilith's voice replied, 'you are wiser than you know. I accept your condition. My kind shall never again come to this planet.'
"I unsheathed Unit 01's prog knife and cut the tops off of the nails that pinned Lilith's hands to the red cross. Lilith pulled herself off of the nails, and the wounds closed instantly.
"'I thank you for my freedom, children,' Lilith said, 'I shall leave you with one final, parting gift.'
"I was bathed in light. It was so warm, and…I don't know…soothing, I guess. It was like nothing I had ever felt before. It felt like ecstasy mixed with sorrow, awareness, life, death, understanding, and acceptance. For the first time in my life, I accepted myself as I was. I didn't feel insecure about anything anymore, either. I finally felt confident, proud, and self-reliant. Lilith, using her power, had balanced my psyche.
"The light then became blindingly bright. When I opened my eyes, I was standing in the operations tent of the command center. Lilith had brought the three of us back out of Terminal Dogma. I raced outside and looked into the now dark sky. Apparently, while we were talking to Lilith, time had passed normally. It was now 2320 hours on April 3, 2017.
"I looked up and saw a group of stars shining more brightly than I remembered. It was the Pleiades, the Seven Sisters. I guess that they were like Lilith's seven eyes, and now that she was back among them in the heavens, they shone with life again.
"Suddenly, I felt the quake. I looked and saw a massive pillar of flame erupt from the crater that used to be NERV. The Evas had finally self-destructed, detonating the N2 mines and wiping the last traces of NERV, the Angels, and the Evas from existence. I was strangely glad to know that the Evas were gone for good, because it meant that I was finally free to start my own life.
"Rei and Asuka stood on either side of me. I put an arm around each of their shoulders. Rei smiled, and Asuka leaned her head into my shoulder.
"'I guess this means the war is finally over,' I said.
"'I guess so,' Asuka said.
"'It is,' Rei said, 'Now we can start rebuilding the world and living our lives.'
"It seemed that Rei had been given a personality. Or rather, she was given back the personality that my father and Dr. Akagi stole from her.
"This is my final entry in the war journals, as the Great War is over. Long live Humanity."
War journal entry: Asuka Langley Soryu: April 4, 2017.
"My momma's gone again now. Three days ago, the three of us were dispatched to head to Terminal Dogma. We were supposed to demolish it and erase the Angels' suspected target.
"Instead, we found ourselves battling the largest group of Angels we've ever faced. All of the Evas sustained massive damage. Unit 01 lost most of its armor plating due to an acid spray fro one of the Angels. Unit 00 lost its left hand; it was sliced off by one of the Angels. Momma was stabbed in the head. I felt like I had been stabbed in the eye.
"Shinji, despite Unit 01's injured condition came to my aid, killing the Angel and covering me for the rest of the battle.
"Despite the damage, and despite the fact that the battle lasted for over 12 hours, we did pretty good. We totally kicked those Angels' asses! We returned to base, only to find out that we were finally out of spare parts for the Evas, and that they probably wouldn't survive another battle. Even worse, Misato wasn't sure if we'd even be able to activate them again!
"Naturally, Wonder G—Rei, was the first one to suggest a course of action. She really is very bright, though I've never said this to her. I've been really horrible toward her; cold. Worse, even, than I had been toward Shinji, before I realized that I loved him.
"Anyway, Rei said that our only chance was to destroy Terminal Dogma once and for all. We all agreed that this was the only way, so we returned to our Evas.
"As soon as momma restarted, I could feel that something was different. I mean, it was almost as if we could both sense that this would be the last time we were ever going to be together. I wanted to cry, but I stopped myself and bottled it up again, like I always did. I wouldn't permit myself to feel anything. I had always thought that feelings, when faced with a job to be done, were a hindrance and a weakness.
"We mobilized to Terminal Dogma. When we got there, we placed N2 mines and Rei said for us to set the Evas' self-destructs and evacuate. All of us had seen the destructive force of an Eva self-destruct when Unit 05 blew itself up. That force, combined with a set of N2 mines, would easily wipe out anything.
"What Shinji and I didn't figure on was Rei deciding to stay behind in her Eva and self-destruct with it. She said that it was to make sure that the explosives detonated.
"Shinji was devastated, I could tell, but so was I. Over the course of the War, we had all become very close friends. I swore that if Rei tried to stay behind and die, I was going to drag her out of there.
"She was shocked that I cared. Like I said, up until that point, even though we were all friends, I still treated Rei a little harshly because she was so…I don't know…doll-like.
"We pulled the switches to start the self-destructs, and were about to start the timers when everything froze. Time itself seemed to stand still. Then, I heard this beautiful, yet terrifying voice in my head, demanding to know why we were fighting.
"It was actually the Angel. Not only could I hear its thoughts, but also Shinji's and Rei's as well. I heard Rei call the Angel 'Lilith'.
"Lilith explained that as long as she was bound here on Earth, the Angels would continue to come, in greater numbers, until they reunited with her.
"Shinji suggested that we set her free. Immediately, my rage toward the Angels boiled over. Rei defended him, saying that he had found a peaceful and merciful solution.
"Now, my rage mixed with grief. I couldn't understand why Shinji wanted to show mercy to a being whose race had caused us so much suffering. I broke down completely, and the tears I had been fighting back poured out uncontrollably.
"Shinji gently explained that the Angels only wanted their mother back and would do anything to get her back. This I understood, because I felt that way every day of my life. He agreed to set Lilith free, on the condition that the Angels never return to Earth. She agreed, and Shinji cut her loose.
"Lilith glided past us and I heard her voice say: 'I thank you for my freedom, children. I will leave you with one final, parting gift.'
"All of a sudden, light brighter than any sun was all around me. It penetrated into every dark corner, every black spot in my soul. It was terrifying at first, seeing all of my faults brought to the front, but then I started to accept them. I realized that my momma might leave me, physically, but she'd only be really gone when I forgot her.
"I also realized just how strong my love for Shinji really was. Little did I know it, but I had unconsciously been looking for someone like him my whole life.
"The light got even brighter, and I had to close my eyes against it. When I opened them again, the three of us were standing in the operations center with Misato and all of the rest of the techs. Shinji ran outside, leaving Misato and the rest of us wondering how we got back, because we all just sort of appeared in the tent. Rei turned to Misato and began to explain hastily. She caught my eye and jerked her head for me to follow Shinji.
"I walked outside and stood next to Shinji. He was staring at the stars. We stood there for maybe another 30 seconds, when I saw Rei come out of the tent. She was smiling gently, and her smile got a little warmer when she saw Shinji and I together.
"Rei came up and stood on Shinji's other side. He was so lost in the sky that he didn't hear either of us approach.
"Suddenly, the ground quaked and rumbled. A massive pillar of flame erupted from the NERV crater. I knew that everything was gone for good, now. No more NERV, no more Evas, no more Angels, and no more war.
"Shinji put his arms around our shoulders. I smiled and leaned my head onto his shoulder. Rei stood there and smiled.
"'I guess this means the war is finally over,' he said.
"'I guess so,' I said, at a loss for words.
"'It is,' Rei said, and turned to us, 'Now we can start rebuilding the world and our lives.'
"I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Timid little Rei, ever the fatalist, was speaking about the future with confidence and, for the first time, hope. I guess Lilith gave her a personality.
"The Great War is finally over. Humanity won our right to survive, but at a terrible cost. We won't ever forget their sacrifices. Don't ever forget ours."
War journal entry: Rei Ayanami: April 4, 2017.
"Three days ago, we deployed with the intent to destroy Terminal Dogma.
"Unfortunately, a large army of Angels attacked before we reached our objective. We were forced to delay our objective and attempt to repel them instead.
"All of the Eva Units sustained very serious damage. At the time, I merely thought it a casualty of war, but I hate war.
"As I look back on those long months of conflict, I regret all of the losses of life. I also regret all of the suffering that everyone has had to endure, though I know that there was no fault on my part.
"As I said, all of the Evas suffered critical damage during that final assault, but we succeeded in defeating the Angels' assault force.
"When we returned to the operations tent of the command center, Commander Katsuragi gave us all grave news. We no longer had any parts with which to repair the Evas. And without repairs, the Evas would not survive another battle. Worse than that, since the internal circuitry on all of the Evas was damaged to some extent, we weren't sure whether or not the Evas would even be able to reactivate.
"That news shocked me. I am very attached to Unit 00; it is a part of me. However, I knew that we would have to end the war, regardless of the sacrifices.
"'We have no choice, then,' I said, 'we have to end it now.'
"'Agreed,' said the Commander. She gave the order to reactivate the Evas for a final mission to Terminal Dogma. Commander Katsuragi is a good leader. She is strong, courageous, but not cold, like Commander Ikari always was. Commander Katsuragi, having worked with us, the pilots, from our first days at NERV, understood how we thought on the battlefield. She therefore planned our strategies accordingly during the war.
"Once we reached Terminal Dogma, we each placed two N2 mines. I realized that the only successful way to detonate the mines all at once was to self-destruct an Eva. I told Shinji and Asuka to prepare their Evas and evacuate. I had decided to stay and manually detonate my Eva. I knew that I would die, but it would, beyond all doubt, be the only way to make absolutely sure that the explosives detonated properly. I also could not envision life without an Eva. The Eva was the only thing that I could ever really be certain of. It was a comfort to me. It was my purpose; my reason for living.
"Shinji expressed caring towards me. I knew he would. He is very much like his father, except that Shinji treats me like a person, not a doll or a tool. I very much appreciate him for that.
"What surprised me was that Asuka also expressed caring towards me, albeit in a slightly less eloquent manner. I had planned to die cleanly, and let the two of them have a life with each other. They would not hear of me killing myself.
"Still, it had to be finished. We set our Evas' destruct timers for 10 minutes and prepared to eject.
"As we reached for the switches to start the timers, everything froze. Time, light, and even our bodily functions all froze.
"There was a voice inside my head. It was beautiful, yet terrifying at the same time. Also, it seemed to be as familiar to me as my own reflection.
"The voice demanded to know why we were at war. The only logical source of the voice was Lilith. We three pilots knew why we were at war. Shinji was the only one who spoke most freely with Lilith, becoming the spokesman for the Human race.
"But while Shinji debated with Lilith, I was having a completely different conversation with her.
"'You and I are essentially the same,' Lilith said, 'yet you side with the Humans. Why?'
"'Because I am a Human,' I replied, 'I am bonded to them. They are my friends.'
"'But you share my blood,' Lilith said, 'My very soul is a part of you. Your machine also shares part of you and me. You should side with us, little one. You could live forever.'
"'Forever without Ikari or Soryu,' I said, 'I could not exist without them. I…'
"Here, I faltered, for words failed me. I knew how I felt, but I could not describe it to another. Initially, the thought of Shinji and Asuka being together while I was alone did not bother me, because I had always been alone. I was used to it.
"But as Lilith subliminally coaxed me to probe deeper into my feelings, I realized that the thought of being alone scared me. I wanted to be with Ikari, like Asuka was; to have someone to care about, and to be cared about by. I wanted Shinji's love, and his touch.
"'I love them,' I said to Lilith, finishing my sentence, 'and that is the difference between us: I care about the Human race. That is why you must accept Ikari's offer of freedom. I cannot bear to think of any more deaths because of who we are; the fact that we are beings that cannot coexist on the same plane.'
"'You are correct, sister,' Lilith said, 'I must leave this place. But when I leave, I shall give each of you a gift. The boy shall receive a balance in his psyche. All of his insecurities will be gone. The girl shall be able to reconcile past hurts and be able to let down the barriers of her mind, though she has already started that process.
"'You, Rei Ayanami, will receive a Human sense of purpose. You shall receive a true soul, not just a pale copy of one. In addition, you will also have memories of a life given to you; a past.'
"'But it will be a false past,' I protested, 'a lie.'
"'You will at least have a past,' Lilith said, 'You will remember your fictional parents' names. Everything will feel real.'
"A past. I could hardly believe it. I was in shock. I barely heard Lilith agree to leave. I hardly noticed the flash of Shinji's prog-knife as he cut her free.
"The next thing I noticed was Lilith gliding past us saying:
"'I thank you, children, for my freedom. I shall leave you with one final, parting gift.'
"Then, we were all bathed in light so bright that it didn't seem real. The light seemed to soak into my every pore.
"Suddenly, my mind was filled with images. My first day of school, my first report card, and my first bicycle ride. There were so many wonderful images, that I forgot that they were false. I felt like an amnesiac who had had their memory recovered.
"I saw my first childhood crush; I had chased him on the playground and knocked him down. Next I saw a flash of light, heard a smashing of breaking glass, then the next thing I saw was a doctor telling me that my mom and dad died in the car crash.
"Then I saw Commander Ikari, who said that he was adopting me. My entire past had been scripted to fit my present, down to the last detail.
"The light became blinding. I was forced to shield my eyes. I heard Lilith's voice again.
"'Little sister,' she said, 'I sense that you still wish the dungeon destroyed. I will make your machines destroy themselves as you were about to do.'
"'Thank you, Lilith,' I said.
"When I opened my eyes, we were all standing in the operations tent at the command center.
"Shinji turned and dashed out of the tent. Commander Katsuragi looked bewildered and made to follow him.
"I headed her off and began to explain briefly, leaving out most of the details of our experience. I did this so that she would not follow Shinji; he needed time to adjust to his new psychology. I caught Asuka's eye and motioned for her to follow him. She walked out of the tent.
"After a brief explanation about what happened and how we got back, I left the tent and rejoined Shinji and Asuka.
"Shinji's eyes were locked on the stars. Asuka's eyes were fixed on Shinji. I caught Asuka's eye again and smiled, and Asuka smiled back. Shinji was still oblivious to our presence.
"I barely finished thinking that the timers should be up, when the ground beneath our feet gave an almighty lurch, a huge shuddering rumble, and a massive quake. An enormous, yet silent pillar of flame erupted from the crater that once held NERV central. The final remnants of the Angels' presence on Earth, the Evas, were finally washed away in a tide of fire.
"'I guess this means that it's over,' Shinji said. I heard a note of gratefulness in his speech. I felt it also. He had put his arms around Asuka and me. We all resumed staring at the stars.
"'I guess so,' Asuka said.
"'It is,' I said, 'Now we can start rebuilding our world and our lives.'
"For the first time in my life, I was happy; truly and joyfully happy. I had two wonderful friends, whom I dearly love, we had finally ended the destructive war with the Angels that had begun those 17 long years ago in Antarctica, and I felt hopeful about our future as a species.
"I am Rei Ayanami. I am a Human girl, who shares an Angel's soul. Once, I was the pilot of Evangelion Unit 00, but no more. Now, I am merely the best friend of Shinji Ikari and Asuka Langley Soryu.
"The Great War is over. Mankind was the victor, but at a terrible cost. So many friends and family are gone; gone, but never forgotten. We will never forget their sacrifices for the continuation of our kind. Don't you, who read these journals, ever forget their sacrifice, either. Goodbye."