A/N So yeah, it was never intended to take so long to get here but I suppose this is what I've been building up to, so thanks for sticking with me. I just hope after eight chapters this isn't a big, huge, lame ass let down - if it is - er, well sorry about that. Apologies to anyone who felt cheated by Bobby coming into the picture - I know some prefer to keep it between the brothers, but that was sort of my point - that they shouldn't have to just keep things between themselves all the time. Anyway I'll stop blithering on and let you read. Hope you like and feel free to let me know if you do - or don't.

Chapter 9

"So just..."

Give Up

Flashing Bobby one of his trademark Aren't I Just Adorable? grins he had very little time for anything else as he was grabbed by the back of his jacket and frog marched out of the bar before he could say "Bite me." Bobby then made light work of bundling him into his truck and gave him a look which told him in no uncertain terms that he had better not make a peep if he valued his scrawny ass. Good thing he wasn't in the mood for talking then. Dean was pissed. He had been looking forward to getting slowly intoxicated and now Bobby had just had to stick his pissy, red neck face into his business. He told himself the sick feeling in his stomach was indigestion and the involuntary clenching of his jaw and fists was because he needed another drink, not because he was shitting himself over what the pissy red neck was going to do to him.

He wasn't the only one experiencing nerves. Sam waited uneasily back at the motel trying hard not to chew a hole in his tongue. He was wondering if he hadn't made a terrible mistake and that maybe Dean would never forgive him for dragging Bobby into this. Getting up and pacing the length of the room for the seventh time in as many minutes he tried to calm his breathing, feeling dangerously close to throwing up. Why did it have to come to this? Why couldn't Dean be like most people and talk about what he was going through instead of messing everything up. He berated himself once again remembering that Dean had tried to talk to him but Sam had been about as much use as a cardboard shovel.

What he was really afraid of was what he was going to have to witness his brother put through because he had failed to help him. He didn't want to think about what would happen when the two of them came through that door. While wanting to get the whole ordeal over with he also wished for more time to prepare himself or to put off whatever was going to happen. He thought to himself that maybe this was what waiting to be hung felt like - or maybe more like waiting to watch your brother hung.

The moment when they finally entered the room was the moment that Sam felt the universe shift and his stomach twist nauseatingly - he was both relieved and terrified.

Dean came stumbling through the door first, being shoved forwards by the older man who stood in his wake, his expression dark. Dean wasted no time in regaining his balance, spinning around and regarding the old hunter defiantly, displaying the cocky, arrogant smirk that Sam had strangely missed so much but that now gave him no pleasure or comfort.

"Well lookie here Sam, guess who decided to pay us a visit - oh wait a minute- you called him!"

"Dean..." Sam's fear was evident on his face but Dean was pissed enough not to care.

"Come on now Sammy, where's your manners? How's about you crack open some beers and we'll have ourselves a little party?"

"How about you put on some coffee instead Sam?" Bobby's voice was soft when addressing the younger Winchester, but Sam was interrupted once more by his slightly intoxicated older half:

"I got a better idea. Why don't you leave us alone, old man, so's I can kick my little brother's ass?"

"The only ass that's gonna be getting kicked today, is yours son."

Dean shrugged still bearing the overly, self assured smirk on his face, but all the while beginning to feel a little hot and uncomfortable; discarding his jacket on the bed he drawled nonchalantly,

"You know what, I think I'll take a rain check," before attempting to get past Bobby to the door.

Unfortunately for him the older man had more weight behind him and took very little effort in grabbing Dean by his shirt and shoving him back fast and hard into the wall to his rear.

"I don't think so son."

Dean was trying his best to look unruffled. The alcohol in his system provided him with a little bravado but he had to admit to himself that the glare he was receiving from his late father's old friend was making his stomach do back flips.

"Y' know Bobby," he began trying his best to keep the smirk plastered to his face, "I'm flattered, really I am, but - well I like girls..." the cocky grin and the familiar sarcasm were immediately erased by Bobby dealing him another hard shove into the wall his back was against and he grunted, closing his eyes briefly in discomfort.

"You're a real smartass you know that boy? But I guess you get that from your daddy." he noticed, not disappointed, the young man whom he was eye to eye with flinch slightly at the words.

"You know, Dean, I was surprised at you. I never really had you as a quitter."

The look Bobby gave the younger man made it perfectly clear what he was referring to and that he knew all about Dean's little soiree with a gun and a single bullet.

Dean struggled ferociously under Bobby's grip, furious and devastated he half growled half shouted:

"You son of a bitch!"

Sam looked away tears filling up in his eyes. He felt like shit. Bobby was laying into Dean because he didn't have the stomach for it. Because he had screwed up the chance to help his brother when the chance had arisen. Why couldn't he have thought of something to say? Dean had poured out his guilt and his shame in the hope that his little brother might be able to make it alright but he had been rewarded with silence. Sam hated himself, he had completely failed Dean and after he had given him such a hard time about opening up in the first place. But Sam had been wrestling with his own guilt over the things he had said to their father before he left them. Things he couldn't take back or make up for and his brain had simply froze over his brother's shocking statement that he blamed himself and he believed he should be dead. Why couldn't he have thought of something? Anything. A simple: "It wasn't your fault," or: "It was dad's decision," or hell even: "I don't give a damn what you think; you're my brother and I love you and I'm not sorry that you survived." anything which would've eased his brother's torment and very likely put a stop to the chain of events which had led them here. Here where he was going to have to watch Bobby rip his big brother to pieces and just hope that they could be put back together again.

Dean's eyes had immediately filled with tears the moment he realised Bobby knew his secret. The shame he felt was unbearable knowing that the older hunter, who he admired so much knew something like that about him. He could only imagine what a low opinion Bobby must now have of him and it was more than he could stand.

"So you think you deserve to die huh?"

"No! I think I deserve to live with what I've done."

"And what about Sam? You think he deserves to lose his brother as well as his dad?"

"Leave Sam out of this. He doesn't need - me he never did."

"Oh the demon tell you that did he? And what, you're so dumb you believed it?"

The expression on Dean's face confirmed the answer, although Bobby already knew. Sam had told him everything. He was getting no enjoyment out of laying into the young man, but he felt an unusual sense of protectiveness and responsibility towards the two brothers. John Winchester was an infuriating son of a bitch but he had loved his boys and raised them incredibly well under impossible circumstances. They were flawed and damaged but they were good boys who he would've been proud to have fathered himself and he was screwed if he was just going to stand by and watch one of them destroy himself over John Winchester's selfless but ultimately devastating actions.

Dean nodded.

"I believe it, I've always believed it."

"Well then you're an idiot." a light smack was dealt to the younger man's head.

"Come on Dean, Sam needs you as much as you need him."

"Yeah? Cos I'm setting him such a fine example right?"

"We're fighting a war here, Dean. Yeah, you screwed up, and someone got hurt, but do you really think that you're the first?" a rough shake dislodged the tears which Dean was trying so hard to hold on to.

"I was up all night drinking, Bobby! I was hung over and strung out on caffeine pills - I'd hardly had any sleep. I as good as murdered her. She was just a kid and now she's never waking up!" the tears falling matched the break in his voice and Bobby had to force himself to continue giving Dean another shake.

"That kid aint dead yet, and neither are you. How do you think your dad would feel knowing you nearly wasted yourself? If you're right about your dad then he basically gave up everything for you; because he wanted you to live!"

"Yeah? Well I never asked him to and I sure as hell wish he hadn't bothered!"

The outburst earned him another smack - this time a little harder - to the side of his head. Dean flinched and closed his eyes.

"You selfish, spoilt little brat! You think this is all about you? More people are going to die, Dean unless you get your head outa your ass and step up to the table."

Another smack, this time across the arm.

"Take some responsibility for yourself and have a look at what you're doing to your brother and to the innocents out there who are relying on you even though they don't know it. There's more at stake here than your damn ego Dean. Like it or not we're heading for a war which you and Sam are gonna be a part of and what's coming aint gonna wait until you're done wallowing in your own crap!"

"I didn't ask for this job. I didn't ask for any of this." the anger and defiance was back but his eyes betrayed the shame he was feeling, earning him another shove into the wall.

"Well too bad cos it's yours anyway. You're gonna keep fighting Dean and you're gonna carry on because your brother needs you, because this war needs you, because your dad needs to have died for something and because the alternative is just too damn unacceptable!"

Bobby gave the younger hunter one last shake before pulling away and stepping back. The two men stood staring at each other breathing heavily and for a second Sam thought it was all over, until Dean, rage and shame boiling in his veins, stepped forward and took his chance swinging a fist at the man in front of him. Bobby anticipated the punch in plenty of time and in one swift movement grabbed Dean's wrist, twisting it behind his back and shoved him roughly into the wall to his right.

Sam looked up close to tears seeing Bobby holding his brother, his face pressed to the wall. Dean's left arm flailed weakly until Bobby grabbed that too, forcing it back to join the other one. Dean struggled painfully, tears streaming now down his face as the deceptively strong, older hunter held his arms fast pinning him effortlessly against the wall.

"Dammit Bobby... let go of me!" the plea was desperate and heartbreaking and almost shattered Bobby's resolve and he had to fight just to keep his voice stern.

"Not until you listen to what I've got to say."

Dean struggled again, but Bobby held him fast, although his heart was slowly breaking at what he felt impelled to do to the young man who he respected and cared for so deeply.

"Ok, now son, listen to me," Bobby's voice had softened now hating seeing the usually self assured, confident young man so broken and exposed.

"See your brother over there? This is killing him," Dean glanced briefly at Sam who's face was tight and pinched while trying to offer something- anything to his brother who he was sure now must hate him.

"Dean, you lost your dad, but so did Sam and now he's scared he's gonna lose the only family he has left - which in case you hadn't noticed, is you."

There was a long pause.

"Now, tell me son, do you really wanna let that happen?"

There was another pause which to Sam seemed to last minutes not seconds. Bobby waited before giving Dean a slight shake pushing him harder into the wall.

"Dean, answer me."

And then Sam almost sobbed with relief when he saw the slight shake of the head from his brother. It was slight but it was there and it was enough. Enough for Bobby to release his grip on Dean's fore arms and allow him to sink slowly and heavily, down the wall to the floor, ashamed and humiliated and beaten, wrapping his arms around his torso and pulling his knees up to his chest turning away from Bobby and trying his hardest to melt into the wall he was now pressed against.

Sam watched his brother draw in on himself, burying his face into his knees, his shoulders shaking, now wracked with achingly quiet sobs which he swore were tearing a hole right through his heart.

Bobby looked at the demolished sight of his old friend's eldest son, knowing that he had caused it; he had broken the young man huddled on the floor below and he swallowed hard blinking furiously at what he refused to admit were tears in his eyes, before stooping to grab the young man's upper arms, pulling him to his feet.

"Come on now son, off the floor," the order was whispered and Sam swore the hardened older man was dangerously close to tears.

Sam watched fighting back his own tears as the older hunter pulled the younger one towards him wrapping both arms around the shaking form whose sobs and cries of anguish had increased to a gut wrenching level. Bobby tightened his grip on Dean, pressing his face into his shoulder, giving the young man the comfort he had needed for so long and the next best thing to a father's embrace, rocking him gently but not saying a word, knowing that words would be meaningless and empty.

As Sam watched Dean clinging to the older man, like a boy clinging to his father, he felt his heart finally break as the realisation hit him that his big brother would never be held by his dad again and sliding to the floor he let his own grief spill out, along with the tears which had already begun to fall.

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He wasn't sure how long the three of them had remained like that but after hearing a shuffling noise he pulled his hands away from his tear streaked face and looked up wiping his eyes, to see Bobby gently, lowering his brother back to the floor again after the younger man's legs had just given way. Dean kept his face hidden, obviously still riddled with the guilt and the shame of the last few days.

Bobby grasped his chin with one rough hand and forced it upwards but Dean still refused eye contact. Trying a different tactic the elder of the two took the younger's face in both hands trying to force Dean to look at him, saying quietly:
"Come on, son, eyes off the floor."

Dean lifted his gaze slightly but was still unable to look Bobby in the eye and the older man relented temporarily, opting to give the young man some time.

"Dean, I want you to listen to me," he rubbed a calloused hand across Dean's tear stained cheek.

"You with me buddy?" a brief nod.

"Ok then. Dean, I know you're angry with your dad, I get that," the harshness had gone from Bobby's voice and Dean struggled to keep more tears from falling.

"Whatever he did -or whatever you think he did - you shouldn't have to carry that around; no one should." Dean tried and failed to turn his face away and Bobby continued sighing brokenly.

"Dean, come on look at me."

When he received no response he gave the young man a firm tap to his cheek, repeating the order more forcefully, which caused Dean to raise his watery green eyes to meet with Bobby's still fighting back tears, reluctant to show even more weakness in front of the old hunter who he looked up to so much.

Bobby glared at him, his own eyes watering, trying to be firm but his voice betraying the sorrow he felt for the boy in front of him.

"Dammit, Dean; you don't have to carry this on your own."

Dean closed his eyes and decided it was time to give up. Give up trying to hold back the tears. Give up trying to hold in the grief. Give up trying to be strong and unshakeable and Bobby watched more tears fall as Dean kept his eyes averted and this time Bobby let him.

Sighing again he gave the young man a slight shake.

"Dean..."

A brief pause and then gesturing with his head he spoke:

"Your brother's still here, son - and all he wants is to take care of you," he glanced over at the youngest Winchester who was sat dejectedly on the floor near the doorway.

"Your dad always told you to take care of young Sam did he not?" Bobby's voice was devastatingly soft and all Dean could do was nod, not trusting his voice in the slightest.

Bobby then raised his voice slightly:

"Yeah, well I'm telling you that you need to let him take care of you, at least once in a while. You hear me?" giving Dean another small shake he was rewarded with a slight nod as another tear spilled down the young Winchester's cheek.

"Good boy," smacking Dean's arm lightly he called to the younger of the two: "Sam, get your ass over here kiddo."

Sam wasted no time in taking Bobby's place in front of his older sibling placing his injured hand on Dean's knee and the other on his shoulder.

"Dean," Sam hesitated unsure of whether his brother even wanted him anywhere near him.

"There's something I need to tell you, man - something I should've said days ago, but..."

He stopped to take a breath, tears still present in his eyes and rubbed his uninjured hand across his face trying to summon the strength that he wished he'd found earlier that week on the road side, when his brother had needed him. Dean simply looked at him slightly quizzical. Sam continued his voice just above a whisper trying hard not to let it break.

"I'm so sorry man, I should've told you this and I didn't and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

He was eye to eye with Dean now who was rapidly shaking his head but the action was ignored by Sam.

"The thing is Dean, I - I wish more than anything that dad was here. I wish I could tell him I don't hate him and that I'm sorry for all that crap I laid on him. I mean I told him to go to hell, man."

Sam ducked his head his own guilt still agonisingly fresh.

"I'd give anything to take back what I said, Dean, but... I can't. He's gone and I - I can't change that."

Another pause as Sam shook his head slightly, looking away before returning his gaze to look his big brother in the eye as he finally found the words he wished he'd spoken on that day which now seemed so long ago.

And when he finally spoke the words his voice was fierce and strong and true.

"I don't give a damn what you think happened back there, Dean. I don't care if you're right about Dad - I don't care if he died to save you and I don't care if you think it's your fault.

You're my brother and I love you and I'm not sorry you survived. I'm not sorry at all."

Apparently these words - to Sam's overwhelming relief - were precisely the words that Dean needed to hear, that he had needed to hear for so long although he hadn't even known it and as his head dropped and as his face crumpled Sam spared him any more indignity by gently pressing his brother's face into his shoulder and wrapping his uninjured other arm around his brother's back pulling him close.

As Dean began to cry softly - Sam was relieved the gut wrenching sobs were gone - he held on to his brother tightly, ferociously, daring anyone to try and separate them, determined to stay there as long as Dean needed him, even if that was for ever.

And as Dean's arms grasped desperately onto his little brother, the gentle, broken sobs continued releasing the grief and the guilt he had tried so hard to hold on to. Better late than never Sam thought bitterly to himself and allowing his own tears to soak into his brother's hair he simply whispered:

"I'm here man, I'm here."

TBC

I wrote the majority of this chapter quite a while ago - in fact it was one of the first I wrote - and while watching the season finale (wow btw) I was a little concerned I may have to change Bobby's character depending on how he reacted to 'certain things' in that episode. However after seeing him in THAT scene (if you've seen it you'll know what I'm talking about) I was relieved to say the least, as his reaction was exactly what I had hoped it would be and now I love him even more. Hope he's gonna be back for season 3.

Oh yeah if you think the angst ends here then you're sorely mistaken - the boys have still got a job to finish - but don't worry I won't be too hard on them. Much.