Ok, Heather so I cracked - this is for you ; )

Chapter 10

After

It was some time before Sam felt the crush of his brother's arms give way, leading him to believe that Dean wanted to pull out of his brother's hold. Slowly loosening his own grip he was forced to tighten it again when he felt his brother's body sag heavily against him and he realised he had fallen asleep. Reluctant to let go of Dean he stayed put, absently stroking his brother's hair, making the most of the contact and closeness that rarely occurred between them. Dean had broken down but he knew that was only the beginning. There was so much that needed to be said and he had no idea how to say it or whether even Dean would want to listen. But now Dean slept peacefully in his arms and whether he could hear him or not Sam wanted to tell him things. Things he couldn't say while they were both awake. Things which would have made them both uncomfortable, so he took advantage of the situation and inhaled deeply, taking comfort in the fact that Dean was asleep and couldn't give him one of his looks, or make fun of him or tell him to shut up.

Sighing heavily he whispered:

"I don't know if you can hear me man, but I want you to know - I'm sorry I haven't been much help to you. But I'm here now, ok? You don't have to do this on your own anymore."

He smiled to himself.

"I guess things are pretty screwed up right now huh?"

He continued stroking the short hair without even realising he was doing it. He wasn't sure if his monologue was for his benefit or for Dean's. It was unlikely that Dean could hear him but then maybe on some level the words would sink in. Sam hoped so, but all the while drew comfort from the gentle breathing of his brother, whose head rested heavily on his shoulder, while he continued his one sided conversation.

"I don't know how we're gonna get through this but I promise you, bro we will. One way or another we'll get through this. You just have to stop being an ass and let me help you ok?"

There was no response but Sam nodded to himself.

"Yeah, we'll be ok."

Sam's back ached from the weight of his brother and it occurred to him that he ought to get Dean on to the bed otherwise he would waken aching all over. Sam shifted himself first kneeling and then moving into a crouching position putting his hands under his brother's arms in order to pull him up.

"Dammit Dean, you're heavy," he grunted as his knees and back complained. Placing Dean's arm across his own shoulders and grasping him round the waist he half carried half dragged the sleeping lump of six foot four hunter across to the bed where he gently laid him down and removed his boots. Then he lay down on his own bed watching his brothers breathing the creases gone from his forehead and his expression almost peaceful. He thought about the past week and everything that had happened. He knew he had done the right thing in calling Bobby - hell it wasn't as if things could've got any worse and Bobby had managed to get through Dean's defences in a way that Sam couldn't. If he was honest he had to admit that he felt a failure. He should have been able to help his brother but then again when did Dean ever let him. Dean was always too concerned with trying to shield his little brother from the tempest that raged inside him, holding on to everything so as not destroy the illusion that he was unbreakable.

The irony was that Sam had never been fooled by it and rather than be protected by his brother's shield, all it ever achieved was to hurt him. He knew that his big brother wasn't as hardened as he liked to make out and that just beneath the surface was a damaged and frightened boy not too different from himself but for some reason he felt that this needed to be kept hidden from Sam. The younger Winchester wondered how he could be so blind, so ignorant of the fact that Sam, his own brother had no difficulty seeing beyond the walls, beyond the facade and into Dean's fractured soul, causing him all the more pain because all he wanted to do was help, but Dean wouldn't, couldn't allow it. Dean thought he was protecting Sam but in fact he was destroying him little by little. Until now. Thanks to an old friend, who appeared to care about the two brothers as if they were his own, Dean had been able to let go and allow the person who loved him and trusted him the most behind his defences and now Sam was terrified but also determined not to let him down this time.

He continued to watch his brother sleep, thankful for the peace that had been finally granted to him and prayed that it would last. Last at least long enough for Dean to recover some of his strength and his spirit. Sam's own exhaustion was beginning to take hold and he reluctantly allowed his own eyelids which had become too heavy to slowly close, blocking out the comforting vision of his brother as he drifted into a light slumber.

Some time passed before he was jolted awake by a strangled cry and the sound of someone gasping greedily for breath as if close to drowning. He opened his eyes to see his brother flat on his back staring wide eyed, terrified at the ceiling. He jumped up from his bed and hurried across to his brother's side placing a hand on his shoulder, causing Dean to sit up startled. Their eyes locked for a second but Sam saw no recognition there and was thankful for his lightening speed reactions when Dean grabbed for his throat. Gasping frantically, he was unable to acquire any sort of grip as Sam instantly shrugged off his hands, grasped his forearms and pushed him back on to the bed, pinning down his arms, disabling his brother effortlessly. Dean glared at him like a wild and scared animal considering whether to attack as Sam tried desperately to get his brother to focus on him, to see him.

"Hey, take it easy, buddy, it's just me."

Dean didn't seem to hear him and struggled still afraid, under his grip, causing Sam to raise his voice.

"Dean! Look at me! It's me - it's Sammy!" The use of his nickname seemed to get through to Dean but his defences were still up, still struggling to be released.

"Get off me." his voice was fierce and Sam thought he saw tears in his eyes which still shone with fury, bringing him to the conclusion that Dean wasn't fully back with him yet.

"Not until you calm down, man."

Dean closed his eyes taking in a shuddering breath, still gasping.

"That's it man just breath. You're ok. I got ya.'"

Slowly Dean's breathing calmed and Sam loosened his grip and pulled Dean into a sitting position, moving to his side to rub his back, still encouraging him to breathe.

Dean pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes, trying to regain control, the remnants of the nightmare melting away only to be replaced by equally unsettling memories. Sam grasped the back of his neck attempting to massage away the tenseness and the fear but Dean pushed him off and headed for the bathroom without saying a word. Sam heard the sound of running water and sat patiently waiting for his brother to come back to him. When he did his face was ashen which made the shadows under his eyes stand out all the more as he stood leaning against the far wall, arms wrapped around himself, staring straight ahead, apparently reluctant to go near his bed opting instead to lower himself to sit on the hard floor.

"Nightmare?"

Dean just nodded, tears clearly visible in his eyes.

Sam got up and joined his brother on the floor, positioned on Dean's right side, allowing their shoulders to touch slightly but other than that retaining a level of distance. He didn't want his brother to bolt and he still seemed disorientated and confused.

"What happened?"

Dean remained silent, and Sam waited but his patience went unrewarded.

"I said what happened?"

"I heard you the first time and I don't wanna talk about it." Dean's voice was cold and still and reminded Sam of before and he was suddenly infuriated.

"Yeah well too bad Dean, cos I'm not letting it go this time."

Dean snorted blinking a little.

"You are gonna talk about this whether you like it or not Dean, and I'm not taking 'no' for an answer."

Dean turned to him his eyes wide and ferocious, his face contorted into a sneer.

"Make me."

Sam pushed himself to his feet, and started pacing around the room gesturing wildly with his hands.

"Dammit Dean, how long are we gonna keep on doing this? Going round in circles like... like rats in those little wheels, round and round and never going anywhere."

Dean frowned at the odd metaphor.

"Rats? In wheels?"

Sam continued his pacing still furious.

"Yeah Dean, rats. I mean nothing's changed has it? I keep on trying and you keep on pushing and we get nowhere. I mean I gotta tell ya dude, I've had pretty much all I can take of this dumb, self destructive, defensive, take on the world alone attitude of yours. I'm done with it Dean, so you'd better just tell me what happened or I'll... I'll... kick your ass."

He emphasised his comment by pointing a finger in Dean's direction and stood looking down at him slightly breathless.

Sam's failure to come up with a convincing threat, along with his endearingly animated mini rant seemed to amuse Dean briefly. Sam caught the flicker in his brother's eyes and sat back down next to him, still breathing loudly, bearing the scowl which always reminded Dean of his brother as a grouchy, angst ridden teenager. Some things didn't change.

"You done?"

Sam huffed, "I'm done."

There was a brief silence as Dean appeared to prepare himself and then Sam was a little surprised when he sighed heavily and spoke, reluctantly, devoid of all emotion but unprompted.

"I hear her, Sam. She's screaming at me."

Sam went cold at the empty tone of his brother's speech but said nothing allowing him to continue.

"There's blood everywhere, it's all over me and I can't get it off."

Sam turned to his brother, frowning slightly, his face tightening in sympathy.

"I can still hear her. And I hear her in my dreams. She's screaming at me to help her... and... I can't..."

Dean's voice trailed away, breaking slightly and Sam removed his gaze, unsure of what he could say to make things better. No matter what they did or how hard they tried the darkness always seemed to find them. You couldn't escape memories or guilt and even if you buried them in the day they would find you in the loneliness of your sleep where there was only you and no one there to catch you when you fell. In sleep you were alone and there was no one to make it better or chase the horrors away, you simply had to face them - alone - and just cling to the hope that eventually you would wake up. But there was always the fear that this time you wouldn't - that the darkness would consume you and you would be trapped forever in a repeating nightmare, that you could never escape and where all those that you loved and relied on were on the other side of an impenetrable wall that could not be climbed over or destroyed and you would be lost to them forever.

"I wish I could take it away man. I wish I could make it better for you ... I wish I could bring Dad back and I wish I'd never taken you on that stupid hunt..."

"There's nothing you can do, and it's not your fault. Besides Casey would be dead if we..."

"I don't give a damn about her, all I care about right now is you."

"You don't mean that."

"Don't I? All I know Dean is if I hadn't forced you into that hunt then we'd be none the wiser and then maybe..."

Sam's voice trailed off as he realised the futility of his words, as well as the fact that they weren't true. He knew it was right that they went after that thing; he just wished he had tied his brother to a chair or something - stopped him from going out that night. All he could think of was the things that he could have done, the things that he didn't do to prevent what had happened. Shit, he and Dean were more alike than he previously thought.

He shook his head and allowed the silence to settle between them; not sure if he should speak again he glanced at Dean's face trying to work out whether he required space or if what he really needed was his little brother right beside him. He was given no clue so instead opted for a slight sight and what he believed was a light hearted comment.

"So you still wanna kick my ass for calling Bobby?"

When Dean didn't reply, his expression dark Sam shifted uncomfortably. Not so much of a light hearted comment then. When was he going to get it right and actually say something helpful?

"Dean, don't be mad at me, ok?"

"Why did you have to call him Sam?" Dean's voice betrayed no anger or accusation - just sadness and regret.

"Why Dean?" Sam involuntarily raised his voice a notch.

"Why? Because you were pushing me away, man; because you wouldn't let me help you and because I didn't know what the hell else to do."

"Where is he anyway?"

"I guess he went to get a room, probably thought we could do with some time alone."

Dean shook his head. He was glad Bobby wasn't here and he wasn't particularly looking forward to seeing him again that was for certain. He hated it that he had shown his weaknesses to the older man. Crying out his soul on Bobby's shoulder was something he could never take back, erase or pretend never happened and that would always be between them now. To him that was definitely not a good thing and he could only assume that Bobby felt the same.

"Everything's messed up now."

Sam's brow creased not understanding.

"He knows everything. What I did. What the hell must he think of me now?"

He turned to Sam locking sorrow filled eyes with him causing Sam's anger to rise once more, almost spluttering out his words.

"The same as he did before Dean. Do you really believe he thinks any less of you now? Do you think I would have called him if I thought he was gonna judge you?"

Dean didn't respond but looked away.

"Dean, Bobby thinks the world of you. That hasn't changed."

Dean snorted disbelievingly and Sam suddenly realised how much Dean still despised himself.

"And what about you Sam?" The sarcasm was practically dripping from Dean's mouth. "Do you still think 'the world' of me?"

Sam shook his head furious. After everything that had happened Dean still didn't get how much he was valued. How much he was loved.

"You stupid, dumbass, idiotic, fuck! You still don't get it do you?"

Dean face twitched and his eyes filled with tears as he sensed his brother's anger about to erupt. Sam didn't get it. Sam didn't get how ashamed he felt. How vulnerable and weak and afraid he was. Sam didn't get how he had no idea how he was going to continue from this moment, having bared his soul to the two people from whom he had always tried to keep it hidden. How could Sam get that? Sam didn't care about such things. Pride and Sam didn't go together. Sam didn't care if he appeared weak or vulnerable, didn't shy away from crying in public or in private, didn't think it made you a wuss to say 'I love you' once in a while and didn't believe that sobbing out your grief in your baby brother's arms until you fell asleep was either a failing or something to be ashamed of.

Unfortunately Dean did and Sam's words were like a hot poker in his soul.

"Don't you know how important you are to me Dean? Have you still no idea...how much you mean to me?"

Sam's voice though laced with fury had begun to break as he felt tears sting in his eyes. He gazed at his brother, who simply stared ahead refusing to allow the words which he found so hard to hear, to shake him visibly, still hiding behind that mask. But Sam continued.

"Dean, you're my brother and my best friend and I'd be totally screwed without you man. Why can't you get that into your thick head?"

Sam stood again and walked away running a hand across his face trying to calm his anger. He knew Dean was still fragile and probably couldn't deal with another verbal lashing. Turning back to his brother, he crouched down in front of him softening his voice to a level that he hoped Dean could more easily tolerate.

"Hey, come on man, don't make me say the word again."

Dean's mouth twitched with what Sam recognised as a smile, but it was fleeting and his eyes were now downcast betraying the part of him that still couldn't believe in his own self worth. When Dean finally spoke, the sound almost broke him.

"It hurts Sam."

Sam nodded sympathetically, looking away trying to force back the tears which kept appearing for his brother.

"I hate myself... so much. For what I did. To dad. To you." Dean's voice broke painfully and Sam sighed in frustration and took a swift wipe at his eyes.

"Well then I guess it's a good thing that I love you, right? You wanna hate yourself, I can't stop you but just remember that while you're beating the shit out of yourself, ok?"

Dean blinked slowly, and then looked up at his brother.

"You think she'll ever wake up?"

Sam shook his head sadly.

"I dunno man, but you know... we can't save everyone right?"

Dean scrubbed a hand across his face, sniffed and spoke unconvincingly with just a hint of bitterness:

"Yeah. Right."

Sam shook his head and sighed in resignation taking back his seat at his brother's side. He had pretty much dried up when it came to pearls of wisdom so he opted for a quip instead, nudging Dean's shoulder affectionately.

"So, you wanna watch some porn?"

Dean turned to him with a look of disgust and disbelief, but a glimmer of amusement.

Sam just shrugged.

"Sorry. I guess that was a little inappropriate."

"A little?"

Sam smiled at his brother, recognising a glimpse of the man he knew, staring back at him, within the pools of grey and green. Leaning his head against the wall he sighed again and then turned his focus back on Dean.

"Come on dude you should get some sleep."

"Can't sleep."

"Dean..."

"She's always there Sam."

Sam nodded his eyes welling up.

"I know man, I know."

Sam took a breath trying to even out his voice which was now shaking.

"But I'll always be here when you wake up. Ok? I'll always be here."

The brothers locked eyes again for several seconds, before Dean accepted Sam's outstretched hand, allowing him to pull him to his feet. The brothers undressed and climbed wearily into their respective beds and it wasn't long before sleep claimed them, Dean too exhausted to fight it and Sam just hoping for some release, glad of the excuse to escape the nightmares that tortured their waking lives.

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When Dean awoke again, this time it wasn't a nightmare that interrupted his sleep, although he had been beset with disturbing visions and images during most of the night. Something was troubling his mind and it was something that needed his immediate attention, but somehow he couldn't put his finger on it. It was like a fleeting image at the corner of his eye but when he turned his head it simply vanished. He got up to use the bathroom and noticed that it was just getting light. Taking the time to have a quick wash and brushing his teeth he considered the visions absently, unsure if they were just dreams or if his subconscious was trying to tell him something. Finishing off he walked across to his bed and was about to sit down when he noticed his father's journal on the table near the window. Pulling up a chair he began to flick through the pages and found his dad's entry on Wood Wraiths. He recognised the information his brother had passed on, which he remembered due to the uncanny similarities with the Shtriga the brothers had hunted some time ago. Turning the page he came across something his brother hadn't mentioned and his world suddenly stopped. Running a shaky hand through his cropped, spiky hair he felt his heart begin to race and his breathing change dramatically. The hairs on the back of his neck stood on end and he felt his eyes sting with tears as the full weight of his father's words hit him square in the face.

TBC

Yeah I know another cliff hanger but I know you like them really. After this you may be pleased to hear there are only three chapters left to go and then maybe I can get back to Real Life. Or at least do some reading instead of writing.