How to Cheat at Swordfighting
Jack enters the blacksmith shop after eluding the British. He notices the drunk guy asleep in a chair. Jack pokes the drunk guy.
Drunk Guy: Leave me alone, I'm trying to sleep!
Jack: Fine, gosh.
Jack tries to remove the handcuffs, or whatever the 18th-century equivalent of handcuffs is technically called, but he is unsuccessful. So he makes the donkey do it for him, using a red-hot poker stick as his method of persuasion. Once the donkey gets the handcuffs off, Jack thinks he's free, but Will, for the first and only time in his life, takes advantage of the opportune moment and enters the room. Jack hides in Will's broom closet.
The donkey is freaking out, so Will tells the donkey to chillax. Then Will consults his photographic memory to survey the rest of the room.
Will's Photographic Memory: The drunk guy has not moved. However, the hammer has. And, there's a random hat there that you've never seen before.
Will moves to pick up the hat, but Jack's sword stops him.
Jack's Sword: Stop!
Will: Do you know the Navy is chasing you?
Jack: Yeah, I know, Norrington told me.
Will: That makes you a pirate.
Jack: Your face.
Will: What about my face?
Jack: It looks familiar. I've seen it somewhere before... wanted poster?
Will: No!
Jack: Oh, then I must have threatened you before, is that it?
Will: I avoid pirates.
Jack: Then I'll leave now and you can pretend you never saw me.
Jack starts to leave, but Will pulls out his own sword.
Jack: For real? You, sucker, are crossing blades with me, a pirate. You're screwed, mate.
Will: You threatened Miss Swann.
Jack: How could you possibly know that? You weren't even there.
Insert swordfight here. Jack makes his way towards the door.
Jack: So long, sucker.
Will flings his sword at Jack's head, but misses. Instead, it gets stuck in the door, effectively sealing Jack's exit.
Will: I totally meant to do that!
Jack: Sure you did. But now you have no weapon. Sucker.
Will takes a sword out of the fire.
Jack: Dang...
A very exciting series of attacks and parries and counter-attacks ensues, complete with flying sparks from the hot end of Will's sword. As their duel takes them around the room, Jack notices all the various swords sitting around.
Jack: Where did all these come from?
Will: I made them! Aren't they awesome? I practice with them three hours a day.
Jack: You have no life. You need a girlfriend.
Jack chucks a hammer at Will's head, but Will ducks and the hammer misses.
Jack: Or maybe you've already found a girl, and since you can't win her with looks or charm, you've got to find some other way to impress her... You're not a eunuch, are you?
Will: No! I practice three hours a day so that if I ever meet a pirate, I can kill it. Oh, look, here's one now!
Jack: Where?
Insert swordfight on the teeter-totter cart. Will ends up in the rafters.
Jack: Haha, sucker. Bye.
Will catapults Jack up into the rafters. Insert more swordfight. In the end, Jack sets off a smoke bomb and temporarily blinds Will, steals his sword, drinks the rest of the drunk guy's rum, and then aims his pistol at Will's face.
Will: You cheated!
Jack: Um, yes. What tipped you off?
Banging is heard from the front door. The British are coming, the British are coming!
Jack: Move.
Will: No.
Jack: Please?
Will: No.
Jack: Pretty please? With a cherry on top?
Will: I cannot let you escape! And I don't like cherries anyway.
Jack: Then I'll blow your head off. This isn't even your bullet!
Will: Huh?
Jack: Sorry, I meant musket ball.
A bottle smashes over Jack's head.
Jack: That's gonna hurt in the morning...
Jack falls on his face unconcious. The drunk, Mr. Brown, weilds his broken bottle triumphantly. Norrington's men finally succeed in breaking the door down. Gillette bursts through the door, brandishing his sword, looking around for someplace to demonstrate his swordfighting skills to impress the Commodore. He notices Jack unconcious on the floor and pouts as he realizes that he won't be able to swordfight for the Commodore, but quickly becomes perky again as he realizes that he can impress his superior with his cautiousness and swift sword handling.
Norrington: Gillette, kindly put that bloody thing away before you take my ear off.
Gillette: Sorry, sir. My apologies. I was only attempting to be ready to defend you in case the pirate acted in a hostile manner.
Norrington: Gillette?
Gillette: Yes, sir?
Norrington: The pirate is unconcious.
Gillette: Oh.
Norrington: Excellent work, Mr. Brown. You have incapacitated the fugitive and saved Gillette from humiliating himself further by engaging in a swordfight, since we all know that he sucks at swordfighting. I mean, we all know that his swordfighting skills are quite below average.
Gillette pouts because he was insulted. Will pouts because Norrington failed to recognize his hard work. Mr. Brown pouts because Norrington used too many big words, and plus, his alcohol is all gone. The donkey pouts because his behind is still sore from where Jack burned him with the red-hot poker. Jack pouts because he is unconcious.
Norrington: Jack Sparrow, you suck. I mean, you can't escape. Take him away.
Revised edition 2011!