Stop Blowing Holes in my Fort!
Jack is locked up in a prison cell. In the cell next to him are several criminals. The Key Doggie is sitting nearby with the keys to the cell in its mouth. One of the criminals sticks a bone through the bars of the cell to tempt the Key Doggie. This criminal is Julius Cunningham, who was caused the previous Commodore to fall off the battlements to his death, and is sentenced to be hanged.
Julius Cunningham: Here, poochie poochie, I've got a juicy bone for you! Come here, poochie poo.
Jack: If you call that dog "poochie poo", he is most definitely not going to move.
Cunningham: Well pardon me if I'm not Captain Jack Sparrow and already formulating a grand escape attempt.
Jack doesn't correct him. What he's really thinking is something more along the lines of, "I'm so screwed" and/or "I hate Norrington."
Back in the governor's house, Elizabeth is sitting in bed reading. Her maid, Estrella, walks in, carrying a pan full of fiery coals.
Estrella: There you go, miss.
Estrella shoves the fire pan into the bed.
Elizabeth: Yikes! Are you trying to scorch my feet?
Estrella: No, of course not, miss! I just thought you'd like some warmth. You've had a difficult day.
Elizabeth: Well, I had suspected Commodore Norrington would propose, but I have to say, his methods are quite... blunt.
Estrella: I was talking about that pirate. The one who threatened you. That must have been terrifying!
Elizabeth: Pirate? Oh, right. Terrifying. Sure.
Estrella: But Commodore Norrington proposed, did he? Lucky. He's so handsome and brave, and he's got status. That's a smart match.
Elizabeth: I suppose it is. He's what any woman would dream of marrying.
Estrella: Oh, you have no idea! But that Will Turner, he's a hottie.
Elizabeth: Don't go there if you want to keep your position...
Estrella: My apologies, miss.
Estrella leaves.
On top of the fort, Governor Swann and Commodore Norrington are taking a stroll.
Governor Swann: So, has Elizabeth said yes yet?
Norrington: No. If it hadn't been for that pirate... Sometimes I wish I had become a barber like mother wanted. That kind of work would never have gotten in way of my marraige proposal.
Governor Swann: Actually, if you think about it, that kind of work would be just as bad. It would hardly be proper for a lowly barber to propose to the Governor's daughter.
Norrington: True...
Governor Swann hears a noise.
Governor Swann: Excuse yourself, Commodore.
Norrington: Wasn't me.
Governor Swann: Then what was that?
They both turn around and look pointedly at Gillette.
Gillette: Good evening, Commodore, sir! Oh, hello, Governor! Lovely weather we're having.
Norrington listens for a moment.
Norrington: Cannon fire!
Norrington performs an impressive football-style tackle that would have made NFL scouts come running if they existed back then.
Norrington: Return fire!
Gillette: Yes sir! Right away sir! I'll get right on it, sir!
Norrington: Just do it, you fool!
Gillette: Yes sir!
Back in the prison, Jack hears the gunfire.
Jack: I know those guns!
Jack springs up and runs to the window. He looks out into the bay, and sees a ship with black sails firing on the fort.
Jack: It's the Pearl!
One of the prisoners in the cell next door hears Jack's exclaimation. This prisoner's name is Sam, and he was arrested on the accusation of being a French spy. Obviously he had been accused and arrested by Gillette, because he only spoke Spanish at the time of his arrest. By now he has learned enough English to respond to Jack's exclaimation.
Sam: The Black Pearl? I have heard stories about her. She has been preying on ships and villages for nearly ten years. She never leaves any survivors.
Jack: No survivors? Well in that case, the stories are either false or fabricated.
Sam frowns, mentally translating this into Spanish, then frowns again because this makes no sense. Or maybe it made too much sense...
In the blacksmith shop, Will grabs a hatchet and a sword and runs out into the street. Up on the battlements, Norrington is shouting orders to everyone, including the Governor. In the Governor's house, Elizabeth sees pirates coming up the walk. The pirates knock on the door, and the butler, Arthur William Bartleby IV, goes to open the door.
Elizabeth: Bartleby, no!
Bartleby opens the door.
Pintel: Hiya, sucker.
Pintel kills Bartleby. Elizabeth freaks out and runs away. Pintel and Ragetti chase her. Elizabeth sort of locks herself in a room with the maid Estrella.
Estrella: They've come to kidnap you!
Elizabeth: What?
Estrella: They'll get good ransom money for you. You're the governor's daughter!
Elizabeth: Don't remind me.
Estrella: What should we do?
Elizabeth: I'll fight them off while you run and get help.
Estrella runs off. Elizabeth conks Pintel in the face with the fire pan. Then she dumps the hot coals on Ragetti's head.
Ragetti: Heehee! That tickles!
More running and chasing. Pintel and Ragetti get distracted when a cannonball hits one of their mates and blasts him through a door. More running, more chasing.
Elizabeth has a fail trying to take some decorative swords off the wall, then implements Plan B and hides in a cabinet. Pintel and Ragetti break into the room and look around.
Ragetti: Looks like she went out the window.
Pintel looks out the window.
Pintel: No it doesn't.
Ragetti: Why not?
Pintel: Because she's not out there. She's in here somewhere. Aren't you, poppet? You can't hide forever. The gold calls to us.
Gold Medallion: Over here! I'm in the cabinet!
Pintel walks over to the closet and peeks in at Elizabeth through the crack.
Pintel: Bingo.
Pintel throws the cabinet doors open.
Elizabeth: Parlay!
Pintel: Huh?
Elizabeth: I said, "parlay." The code says you have to take me to your captain.
Pintel: I know the code. Duh.
Ragetti: Screw the code!
Pintel: No actually, let's take her to Barbossa. This could be entertaining.
Ragetti: Ooh, good point.
Out in the streets, Will is fighting with pirates. The Crazy Hook Psycho hooks him around the neck.
Crazy Hook Psycho: Say goodbye!
A sign falls and knocks the Crazy Hook Psycho through the window. Will magically escapes.
Will: Goodbye.
Will sees Elizabeth being taken away by Ragetti and Pintel. He starts to run to help her, but another pirate conks him over the head with a hammer.
Will: Ow...
Will falls over unconcious in the street.
Revised edition 2011!