Screwed Negotiations
In the prison, a cannonball blasts through the wall, providing the prisoners in the cell next to Jack's with a way out. Unfortunately, the whole is not large enough for Jack to benefit from it.
Cunningham: See ya. Wouldn't wanna be ya.
Sam: Adios!
The prisoners escape through the hole. Jack picks up the bone and tries his luck with the pooch.
Jack: Come here, poochie! I've got a nice juicy bone for you.
The dog seems interested and moves closer.
Jack: Can't you move any faster, you useless fleabag?
There is a crash from overhead. The dog gets spooked and runs away with the keys.
Jack: Did I say "useless fleabag?" My bad, I totally meant something else…
The prison guard rolls down the stairs. He's dead. Kohler and Twigg come down after him and look around. (They're not dead.)
Twigg: That jerkface lied to us! There are no free doughnuts down here!
Kohler notices Jack.
Kohler: Dude, check this out. It's Jack Sparrow.
Twigg: Last time I saw you, Captain Barbossa was maroonin' you. Don't look like your luck has improved much. Sucker.
Jack: At least I haven't committed mutiny. I hear the deepest circle of hell is reserved for mutineers.
Twigg grabs Jack around the neck. As Twigg's hand enters the moonlight, it turns into a skeleton's hand.
Twigg: You know nothing of hell.
Twigg and Koehler leave.
Jack: Well there's something you don't see every day.
Elizabeth has been taken aboard the Black Pearl.
Bo'sun: We're taking captives? Did I miss something?
Pintel: She's invoked parlay with Captain Barbossa.
Elizabeth: I am here to negotiate…
Bo'sun smacks her upside the face.
Bo'sun: Shut up!
Barbossa appears and grabs Bo'sun's wrist to stop him from initiating an all-out slapfest.
Barbossa: What have I told you about harming people under the protection of parlay?
Bo'sun: To not to.
Barbossa: Very good. Now go make yourself useful.
Bo'sun leaves to go make himself useful.
Barbossa: Sorry about him. He's seen a little too much of The Three Stooges.
Elizabeth: Huh?
Barbossa remembers that The Three Stooges haven't been invented yet.
Barbossa: Oh, sorry, never mind.
Elizabeth: I have come to negotiate the cessation of hostilities against Port Royal.
Barbossa: Huh?
Elizabeth: I want you to take your boat and your cannons and go away and stay away.
Barbossa: I am disinclined to aquiest to your request.
Elizabeth: Huh?
Barbossa feels immensely proud of himself; it took him three weeks to memorize all those long words.
Barbossa: No.
Elizabeth takes the medallion off from around her neck and dangles it over the edge of the ship.
Elizabeth: Then the medallion will be sleeping with the fishies.
Barbossa: And we care... why?
Elizabeth: Because you've been searching for it for like eight years. I recognize this ship.
Barbossa: Well, aren't you special.
Elizabeth: Yes, I am. But, since this medallion apparently isn't, I'll just chuck it.
Elizabeth lets the medallion fall slightly. The pirates all freak out and jump for the medallion.
Barbossa: NO!
Elizabeth: Exactly.
Barbossa: Do you have a name?
Elizabeth: Yes.
Pause.
Barbossa: Would you mind telling me what it is?
Elizabeth: Uh... Elizabeth Turner. I'm a maid in the governor's house.
Barbossa: Miss Turner! Did you guys hear that?
Pintel: Bootstrap!
Elizabeth: What?
Pintel: Uh... my shoe's untied... yeah...
Barbossa: Shuddup, sucker! I'm running these negotiations!
Pintel bends down pretending to tie his shoe. Barbossa turns back to Elizabeth.
Barbossa: Random question. Where did you even get hold of that? Family heirloom?
Elizabeth: Well, I didn't steal it, if that's what you mean.
Lies.
Barbossa: Well, if you'll just hand it over, we'll call off our cannons.
Elizabeth drops the medallion into Barbossa's hand.
Elizabeth: Our bargain?
Barbossa walks away. Bo'sun starts shouting important-sounding orders. Elizabeth is very swift and realizes what the pirates are planning.
Elizabeth: Wait! You have to take me back to shore!
Barbossa: Says who?
Elizabeth: Says the Code of the Order of the Brethren set down by the pirates Morgan and Bartholomew!
Barbossa: Okay, whoa. First of all, me taking you back to shore was not part of our negotiations. Second, you have to be a pirate for the pirates' code to apply, and you're not. Thirdly, we believe in a very liberal interpretation of the code. So make yourself at home.
Revised edition 2011!