(Disclaimer – I don't own twilight, new moon, or any of their characters. Stephenie Meyer does)
(A/N: so this is Edward's point of view of the whole situation.
Btw – I'll be able to update more. I know I've said that once before, but now I mean it. I hadn't been able to because I was sick, had an algebra final, a world history project, and a science project. But now, all of that has been taken care of. YAY!!)
EDWARDS POV
I kissed her, and the world stopped. My unbeating heart wrenched in pain. The pain subsided and fury took its place. I pulled away from the kiss. The kiss that tasted like Jacob. The filthy mutt. I jumped off of her in disgust and rage. I curled my hand into a fist and brought my arm back to hit the wall. I stopped myself, only because I knew that a whole in the wall would be hard to explain to Charlie.
"What the hell Bella!" I shouted, turning back to face her. I saw her twitch in fright, but I couldn't care less. She proved that she didn't care about me, and there was no way in hell I was going to act like I cared about her.
"Dammit Bella, what's your explanation for this?! HUH? Did you fall and his lips broke your fall?" I saw her shudder again, the fear plain in her eyes. I looked away before the sadness in her big brown eyes could convince me to forgive her. Her sad eyes didn't cry though, and for that I was grateful. I knew that I wouldn't have been able to help but forgive her if she cried.
"I-I." She tried to speak, but it came out as a stammering mess.
"You what?!" I demanded. I hated yelling at her. I almost never raised my voice at her, and it was painful to see how much my words were hurting her.
"I'm sorry…" She whispered, but the words were loud and clear to me. I looked away as the tears pooled in her eyes and began to make their way down her face.
"You're sorry? You cheated on me Bella and all you have to say is you're sorry?!" Her apologies meant nothing to me. Nothing meant anything anymore. Not after what she had done.
"I love you. It didn't… it didn't mean anything Edward. I was just upset. I'm so sorry. Please…"
As she pleaded with me, the pain became unbearable. I fell to the ground and rolled up into a ball .Bella knelt beside me. Her words hit me – hard. She was upset because I said I wouldn't change her. Was this all my fault? I needed to know if this was my fault. "Why?" I was crying tearlessly, and my words were almost silent. I didn't think she would hear me.
"Because I love you." She paused, seeming to take some time to think through her reason. "I cheated on you because I love you. I love you so much, and I didn't think you loved me. I thought that if you loved me you would've changed me by now, so we could spend an eternity together." What was she thinking? How could she not see how much I loved her? Didn't she know the reason I wouldn't change her is because I loved her so much? "I felt like my love was unrequited, and it hurt. I let the hurt control me, and that's why I cheated on you." It sounded like she was trying to convince herself more than me. "But, Edward, you are the only one I love. I promise you it meant nothing, and if you'll forgive me, I'll never cheat on you again. I'll do anything…" I didn't believe her, not a single word. I was the only one who had ever loved in this relationship, it was crystal clear. The realization hurt, like a knife was piercing my dead heart.
I felt that she was about to put her hand on my shoulder. I jumped up from my fetal position. The last thing in the world I wanted right now was for her to touch me. "Don't. Touch. Me." I demanded, the anger coming back. I wanted to hate her, and I tried as hard as I could to convey the false hatred. I knew I could never hate her, but she needed to think I did, she needed to know how much she hurt me, and how much she needed to stay away from me. I didn't want to forgive her – not now, not ever – so I tried to make her and myself believe that I hated her. Maybe it would make all of this easier if I hated her.
"Please, Edward…" she begged. I fought the urge to break down again. We were both silent, neither of us knowing what was to come.
In the silence I figured out what I had to do, it was the only solution. "When I came back, I told you I wouldn't leave – unless you wanted me to." I paused, not sure how to continue. I composed myself. "I'll take this as your request. I'm leaving."
I could hear her heart beat falter, but I ran out of the house before she could say anything that would make me change my mind. As I jumped into my Volvo I could hear her calling out to me, begging me to stay. I needed to get away from her, so I drove faster than ever to my house.
I ran into the house, slamming the door behind me. Esme came running down the stairs. "Edward Cullen what do you think –" She began to chastise me, but her angered expression quickly turned into a worried one. "Edward honey, what's wrong?"
"I'm leaving."
By the time I had declared this, the rest of the family had gathered around us. I could hear all of their thoughts. Esme's were worried. What happened? Why does he want to leave? What about Bella? The rest of my family's thoughts were just as curious and concerned.
I didn't feel like telling them, so I did my best to avoid it. "I'm leaving; whether you come or not."
"Edward. What is going on?" Carlisle demanded. I really didn't want to talk about it, it hurt too much. But Carlisle is the one person I would listen to, no matter what.
"Come on sweetie. Let's go into the living room." Esme suggested in a nurturing tone, and lead the way into the living room. I sat alone.
"Bella cheated on me." I said bluntly.
"What?" Alice choked out. Her eyes were wide with shock and disbelief.
"With the mutt." I informed them, grinding my teeth. At first there was a silence, with a tangible state of awe.
"No. She wouldn't." Alice spoke again, speaking more to herself than to the rest of us. "I don't believe it."
"Well believe it, cause it's the truth." I said sharply. There was complete silence, which is something that I hadn't heard in about ninety years. If it's quiet inside, my sensitive ears had always picked up some stray sound from outside – but not now. Now there wasn't a sound to be heard, and it was an odd sensation. It was a sound of finality.
"We'll leave tomorrow." My dad announced. I would have given him a thankful glance, but I couldn't muster up anything other than a solemn frown.
"Where will we go?" Esme asked, her face looking the saddest amongst us. I ran upstairs and into Carlisle's office before he could answer her. I dug through different desks and draws in his office until I had one of his many expensive pens and a piece of paper.
Dear Bella, I began. I sat for a while, staring at those two words, and not sure what should follow them. I thought long and hard, and continued. Each word and sentence seemed to have its own meaning and importance.
I think that it's best for the both of us that I move. Perhaps no more heart will break – beating or not. I think I understand why you did what you did; but whether there is a valid reason or not, I'm not sure I can bring myself to forgive you. No matter what has happened, or what will happen, I will always love you my dear. Please stay safe, for me.
Love you always and forever,
Edward.
I read it over and over again, getting more frustrated each time. The words didn't seem to sum up everything I wanted them to – how much I loved her, that I didn't hate her, that I was sorry about everything I was doing, but that it was necessary. I crumpled it up and tossed it into Carlisle's small trash can. I crossed my arms on the table and buried my head in them. I did nothing but lie there. I didn't think about anything, and I didn't let what my family was thinking seep into my mind. I needed to be alone, I decided. I walked over to the tiny waste basket, which was full primarily of crumpled papers, mine being the newest addition. I spotted my letter and picked it up.
I ran to Alice's room, where I knew she would be packing. "Come in Edward." she called before I had knocked. I entered the room to see that it was already half packed. I blocked her mind, which I was sure would be full of sympathetic thoughts. She noticed that I was avoiding her thoughts and looked at me in disapproval. She voiced her thoughts. "Edward, I'm so sorry." Her tone was soft and sad. She held up her arms, but I shook my head slowly. I couldn't touch anyone right now. Right now, I really needed to be alone.
"If you see Bella, will you give her this?" I handed her the letter. She looked down at the crumpled-up ball of paper and nodded her head. "I'll be back soon, I just need to clear my head." She nodded again, and I flew down the stairs and out the door without so much as a goodbye to the rest of my family.
I didn't know where I would go. Most of the places that would usually bring me comfort would now bring me nothing but despair. I wished now that I could go home, in Chicago. I hadn't been there once since I became a vampire, the thought was almost unbearable – both of my parents dead. But now, I was longing for content. I was sure that seeing my old house in the busy city of Chicago would ease my pain. I almost brought myself to go to the airport, but I knew that if I flew to Chicago, when I came back my family would either be gone, or be worried sick, wondering where I was and if I was okay.
But as I approached the dark and secretive forests I heard Bella crying inside of my house. I turned into the forests and watched my house through the protection of the trees. I heard her crying. With each tear that caressed down her face my dead heart tore a fraction more. I heard her jagged breaths and listened to her as she tried to convince my family to stay. I heard her as she unfolded my letter and walk out of my house.
She walked to her truck and I heard the rusty door slam closed. I saw her put her head on the steering wheel. I couldn't see her cry though, her thick brown hair fell on both sides of her face. But I could hear her crying what she thought was silently. I couldn't leave her like this. Nothing so beautiful, so innocent and brave, should be left crying like this. And rather foolishly I ran to the truck and sat in the passenger's seat beside my angel.
I lifted my hand unthinkingly to wipe a tear off of her cheek. "Don't cry Bella." I said softly. I can't watch her cry any longer. She's far too beautiful when she crying, and seeing her like this isn't helping me to follow through with my decision.
She turned her head to me and I saw her chocolaty eyes glimmer with hope and despair. "Don't go! Please, don't go." She cried. And for the smallest second I was sure I would tell her I was staying. But rationality kicked in before I could get ahead of myself.
"My decision is made, but I meant everything I said in that letter. I love you." And then, before my senses could tell me better, I kissed her. I forced myself to get of the car before I got carried away again.
Unsure of everything, I ran through the dense forests of Forks until I was tired and far from anything other than the trees, the stars and the moon. I laid down on my back, and allowed myself to fall to pieces.
I wished I could cry. I wanted warm comforting tears in my eyes and to run down my face. But I couldn't so I just cried tearlessly, staring into the sky, trying to find answers.
How could she do this to me? How many times had she told me she loved me? More times than I can count, and each time she said "I love you," it sent butterflies through me. A new sensation coursed through my body, and I felt as if it was possible that I had a soul after all.
Now, I was never more convinced that I was soulless. How could I have been so naïve as to think that she loved me? She could never love me, I'm a monster. I had never been anything other than a hazard to her. She's so delicate, I was so foolish. Maybe it's best that all this is happening. Maybe it's best that we're not together.
I thought this through. I thought about all the pain and suffering I had caused her. All the disappointment and depression. So much heartache that could have been avoided. Bella didn't deserve to have to put up with me – me who was from the fiery pits of hell. But even as I thought these thoughts, and knew that each and every one of them was true, I couldn't find myself to regret it. I don't – and never will – regret that she chose to stay with me for so long. I'm thankful. Bella brought back something in me – something I hadn't even realized I had lost. I didn't want this to end – I didn't want all of the love and happiness to go away – but it has to. Bella and I, we're like twilight. Twilight again. Another ending. No matter how perfect the day is, it always has to end. I remember how I had told Bella that at the Prom. And now, I realized that this has to end too, no matter how much I want it to last forever.
My decision was made, but there was one last thing I needed to do before I left. I had to see Bella one last time. Her most peaceful time – when she's sleeping.
I ran out of the forests and headed for Bella's house. Every movement hurt, like my body didn't want me to move. Like my body knew I was going to Bella's house to say a silent goodbye, and my body didn't wouldn't allow me to go. I fought back the aching. My mind was made up, I was just going to have to deal with the pain.
As I approached Bella's house I came to a dead stop. I turned quickly and ran back to my house. I searched through my closet. None of my family bothered me, they just continued packing. I found what I was looking for. It was a golden rose. I had bought it a couple weeks ago – I was going to give it to Bella if I had decided to change her. I couldn't think of anything more perfect to give to Bella. The rose was delicate, yet timeless because of its gold layer – it was exactly what Bella is to me.
I grabbed the rose and ran to Bella's house and went in through her window. I found Bella sleeping on the floor, her album spread in front of her. She must have thought that I was going to take away all evidence of my existence, like I had last time. I wouldn't do that to her again, maybe the memories will help her, so that she doesn't fall apart as she did when I had left before. I was going to have to check up on her every now and then, to make sure that doesn't happen. I would never forgive myself if I let her go through that much pain again.
I walked over to her and lifted her from the ground. I went to lay her on the bed, but my body was once again trying to fight against me. I knew that this was the last time I would cradle her in my arms. I held her for a moment, not wanting to let her go. "Edward… don't go… I'm sorry." She muttered. I barely refrained from breaking down again. I decided that I should go now. If I stayed there any longer I would convince myself to stay. I laid her down on her bed and softly kissed her forehead. I searched through her computer desk drawer for a piece of paper and a pencil.
Dear Bella,
Last night I watched you sleep. I shouldn't have watched you sleep, I'm sorry. But I guess old habits die hard. Don't worry, I won't do it again… I know you are no longer mine. Please try and live a happy life.
Yours, until the day I die,
Edward
Unwillingly, I made my way to her window. I took one last look at the room, and the one I loved. As I scanned the room, I found another book on the ground. I silently made my way over to it, and picked it up. The cover read Diary. I didn't know Bella kept a diary. I went to flip the book open, but stopped half-way. I couldn't read this. These were Bella's personal thoughts, and there was probably a lot about me in that book. I knew that I wouldn't be able to bear reading it. Even though I well aware I would regret reading it, I needed something to remember Bella. I flipped to a random page and tore it out. I folded the sheet of paper with messy scribbles on it, and slid it into my pocket. I put the diary back on the floor where it had been. I kissed Bella one more time, on her delicate, trembling lips. My lips trembled too. I took one last longing glance at the only person I'll ever love, and leaped out the window.
After I finished packing I finally spoke to my family. "Are you ready?" Carlisle asked me.
"I have one more thing I need to do."
"Can't we just go already?" Rosalie complained. Carlisle held a hand up to her, and then nodded at me in understanding. I left what would soon be my former house, and headed for a place that would bring more pain, and some much needed happiness. I was willing to suffer if it meant I could enjoy the suffering. I headed for our meadow.
(A/N: okay, not my best chapter, I know. Sorry :-( I just want to thank all of my reviewers!!
Sonotlittlemissinnocent, sweetness-wild, lilvoice1, blissfulmemories, browneyedgurl, bears12, EdwardFangJasperEmmettIggysigh, bloodrose1918, twilightsnewmoon, entrustinglove, s2twilight, shmexybella, Kendra marie, reno's renegade, xxvampirexatxheartxx, xoedwardluver1918ox, vintagelyre, storiesneverending, Arabianangel, stupidlittlelamb, seductrice, Edward is a hottie, missc1310, Edwardsdemon, blood.tears.in.the.night, LVTH, 1stepbehind29. thank you all!!
Please review, I know this chapter was cruddy, but I love reviews soo much.)