Apples, Parsley, and Mayonaise

Barbossa and his crew are in the cave on the Isla de Muerta, unloading all kinds of shiny things.

Pintel: How long has it been since we've been hoarding all this stuff? Only ten years?

Ragetti: And now we can finally spend it!

Pintel: Yeah, and you can get a real eye so I don't have to listen to you whine about it anymore.

Ragetti: What? It itches.

Pintel: Don't rub it.

Ragetti and Pintel dump out a trunk that is full of ladies' dresses.

Ragetti: Ooh, pretty.

Bo'sun walks by and rolls his eyes.

Jack and Will are in a rowboat, heading towards the island cave. Will notices a skeleton.

Will: What are these rules Gibbs is supposed to follow if one of us dies?

Jack: Pirates' Code. Any man who falls behind is left behind.

Will: No heroes amongst theives, eh?

Jack: More like survival of the fittest. Who needs suckers anyway?

Will: Well, that's not very nice.

Jack: You know, for thinking pirates such suckers, you're well on your way to becoming one. Let's see, you've sprung a man from jail…

Will: Only because you agreed to help me find Elizabeth!

Jack: ...comandeered a ship of the fleet…

Will: Only so I'd be able to reach Elizabeth!

Jack: ...sailed with a buccaneer crew out of Tortuga…

Will: Only because you promised they'd help me rescue Elizabeth!

Will and Jack both turn to gape at the glittery gold coins at the bottom of the water.

Jack: ...and you're completely obsessed with treasure.

Will: Am not!

Jack: Not that kind of treasure. And would you please shut up about Elizabeth once in a while? It's getting annoying.

Barbossa is standing up in front of his crew.

Barbossa: This is it, folks. Now or never!

Elizabeth: I vote never.

Barbossa: Shut up. You don't get to vote. Susan B. Anthony hasn't even been born yet.

Elizabeth: Who was she?

Pintel: Is she hot?

Barbossa: Shut up. We have more important things to be worrying about, isn't that right? We're here to return this medallion to its proper place, and end this cursed curse forever!

Will: So do we attack now?

Jack: Not yet. We must wait for the opportune moment.

Will: Which is when? When it will be of most benefit to you?

Jack: You wound me. Have I ever given you reason not to trust me?

Will: Shall I list them alphabetically or chronologically?

Jack: Stop talking and try not to do anything stupid.

Will: Define "stupid".

Jack: Anything involving the phrase, "Aye, avast."

Barbossa: So now the lady gets to pay back the blood sacrifice!

Elizabeth: Don't I get a say in this?

Barbossa: Shut up, I'm not finished with my speech.

Elizabeth: Screw your speech. It's long and boring anyways.

Barbossa: Want to know the first thing I'm going to do once the curse is lifted?

Elizabeth: No.

Barbossa: I'm going to eat a whole bushel of apples!

Elizabeth: Better make sure you have your Pepto Bismol handy.

Barbossa picks up a knife.

Barbossa: And now for the blood...!

Will hits Jack with an oar. Jack's face is priceless as he sees the oar coming towards him, then he falls to the ground unconcious.

Will: Sucks to be you.

Barbossa cuts Elizabeth's palm with the knife.

Elizabeth: That's it?

Barbossa: What, you wanted me to do more? I can if you want. Just say the word.

Elizabeth: Never mind.

Barbossa presses the medallion into Elizabeth's blood, then drops it into the chest with the other 881 pieces. Then he and the pirates all stand back and wait.

Koehler: Did it work?

Ragetti: I don't feel no different.

Barbossa's eyeroll should win some sort of award. He shoots Pintel.

Ragetti: You're not dead?

Pintel: No, really. Hey... you shot me! What was that for?

Barbossa: You never paid up from that last time I beat you in poker, remember?

Pintel: Oh, yeah...

Ragetti: It didn't work!

Twigg: The curse is still upon us!

Barbossa: You, girl, what was your father's name? Was your father William Turner?

Elizabeth: Nope.

Barbossa backhands her and she falls down. The medallion lands next to her. Bo'sun blames Ragetti and Pintel. Will comes up to Elizabeth and leads her away. She grabs the medallion and goes with Will.

Bo'sun: You two! You brought us the wrong person!

Ragetti: Oh, so now it's our fault?

Bo'sun: It's always your fault.

Twigg: You brought us here for nothing!

Barbossa: Shut up!

Monkey: Captain Barbossa, sir!

The monkey salutes, very military-style.

Monkey: We have a situation, sir. The girl has taken the medallion. I repeat, the girl has taken the medallion.

Barbossa: She's taken the medallion! After her, you suckers!

Bo'sun: Dang it, where are the oars?

Barbossa: Well, aliens didn't take them.

Jack wakes up suddenly, making a mental note to invent asprin for situations such as this. Jack stands up and faces the pirates of his former crew.

Jack: Oh hey. Fancy seeing you here.

Ragetti: You!

Jack: What about me?

Pintel: You're supposed to be dead!

Jack: You're supposed to not commit mutiny.

The pirates point pistols at Jack.

Jack: Parsley!

Pause.

Jack: Parsnip? Partner? Uh... Paralegal? Paraphrase, paragon... um, parallel parking...

Ragetti: Parlay?

Jack: Yeah! What he said!

Pintel: I swear I'm gonna kill you, Ragetti.

Ragetti: Haha, you can't. We're still cursed!

Pintel: What nerd had the time to sit around and invent parlay anyway?

Jack: That would be the French. Same nerds who invented mayonaise.

Pintel: I love mayonaise!

Ragetti: I love nerds!

Revised edition 2011!