Marooned (No, Not the Color)
Elizabeth is walking the plank.
Pintel: Go on, Poppet, go! Walk the plank!
Will: Barbossa, you liar! You swore she'd go free!
Barbossa: Yep. And she is, isn't she? Maybe not where you had in mind, but since you failed to specify, I took the liberty of deciding upon a place.
Pirates put duct tape over Will's mouth.
Barbossa: Oh, and before you go, I'll be having that dress back. I payed good money for it.
Ragetti: Actually, he stole it.
Elizabeth takes the dress off and throws it at Barbossa.
Elizabeth: It's maroon. To go with what my situation will be.
Barbossa: How clever. Now walk.
Elizabeth has every intention of doing this, but then a lost seagull runs into her and knocks her into the water. Now it's Jack's turn to walk the plank.
Jack: Haha! Fooled you!
Barbossa: What now?
Jack: I really had you going, thinking I was on their side. But I'm not, in all reality.
Barbossa: You never were a good liar.
Barbossa puts his arm around Jack and points to the island.
Barbossa: Check it out. That's the same island we made you Governor of on our last little adventure.
Jack: Actually, I was mayor. And I believe the proper term would be misadventure.
Barbossa: Whatever. Now walk.
Jack: Last time you left me a pistol with one shot.
Barbossa: I knew I was forgetting something. Where be Jack's pistol?
Ragetti points.
Ragetti: It's over there.
Pause.
Barbossa: Well, go get it!
A pirate brings Jack's pistol and sword to Barbossa.
Jack: Seeing as there's two of us, a gentleman would leave us a pair of pistols.
Barbossa: Stop stalling. You know I'm not a gentleman.
Barbossa chucks the sword and pistol into the water. Jack dives after them.
Jack and Elizabeth wade onto the island's sandy beach.
Jack: That's the second time I've had to watch that sucker sail away with my ship.
Elizabeth: You don't have to watch. You could look at something else.
Jack gives her his best death glare and starts to walk away.
Elizabeth: Why are you pouting? Can't we just escape the same way you did before?
Jack: Nope. We're stuck here.
Elizabeth: But you're Captain Jack Sparrow. Grand legendary pirate. You vanished from under the eyes of seven agents of the East India Trading Company without firing a shot.
Jack: Seven? I thought there were only six...
Jack knocks on a tree trunk, then takes some funky-looking steps before bouncing up and down.
Elizabeth: Is there another Jack Sparrow, or are the stories just lies? How did you escape before?
Jack: Magic.
Elizabeth: Wrong answer.
Jack: Okay, fine, last time the rumrunners chose this place for their spring break party, and they gave me a lift. Kapeish? Just don't tell anyone. It'd ruin my reputation.
Elizabeth: That's what you're worried about? Your reputation? When we're marooned on an island, likely to die here before we see any sign of human civilization?
Jack: I'm always worried about my reputation.
Elizabeth: Where are these rumrunners now?
Jack: Out of business, if you know what I mean. No thanks to your bloody friend Norrington.
Elizabeth: In that case, he's not my friend anymore.
Jack takes rum out of the cellar place.
Jack: Well, at least it's not such a bad place to be marooned.
Elizabeth: Are you serious? Rum?
Jack: Heck yes.
Later that night, Jack and Elizabeth especially are making complete fools of themselves, dancing around a bonfire and singing loudly and dreadfully off-key. A bird falls out of the sky dead when it hears Jack singing.
Jack & Elizabeth: YO HO, YO HO, A PIRATE'S LIFE FOR ME!
Jack: I love this song! Really bad eggs!
Jack falls over and Elizabeth sits down next to him.
Jack: Wanna know something?
Elizabeth: No, but I bet you'll tell me anyway.
Jack is too drunk to notice she's being very sarcastic.
Jack: When I get the Pearl back - which I will! - I'll teach this song to the whole crew, and we'll sing it all the time!
Elizabeth: You'll scare everyone out of the Spanish Main.
Jack: Not just the Spanish Main, the entire ocean!
Elizabeth: I don't doubt it. I wouldn't come within ten miles of that many drunk pirates singing badly.
Jack suddenly becomes very philosophical.
Jack: You know, most people think a ship is just a keel and a hull and a deck and sails and such. But that's only what a ship needs. Besides me as a Captain, of course. But what a ship really is, what the Black Pearl really is... is freedom. Oh, how I miss it...
Elizabeth: Life sucks, doesn't it?
Jack: Not so bad as last time. The company is infinitely better.
Elizabeth: Maybe I'd believe you if I had more rum.
Jack: Great idea!
Jack chugs like an entire keg of rum then falls over unconcious.
Elizabeth: That's gonna hurt in the morning...
Jack wakes up the next morning and smells something burning. He looks and sees that Elizabeth has started a bonfire using rum for fuel.
Jack: NO! NOT THE RUM! ARE YOU INSANE? You're burning all the shade... the food... THE RUM!
Elizabeth: You betcha.
Jack: Why is the rum gone?
Elizabeth: Because it's gross, and it would make even Norrington into a complete senseless idiot. And that signal flare is even bigger than your ego, so Norrington is bound to see it sooner or later. He's not nearly as nearsighted as he pretends to be.
Jack: But why is the rum gone?
Elizabeth: Because it's on fire, okay? That's the simple answer. Just keep watching. In a few hours or less you'll see white sails on the horizon, and you'll thank me.
Jack: Betcha I won't.
Jack wanders off, muttering to himself, mimicking Elizabeth's girly voice.
Jack: ...drunken slobs... bigger than your ego... life sucks, Jack, doesn't it, Jack? (yelling) WELL, IT DOES NOW!
Suddenly, Jack notices white sails on the horizon.
Jack: Why does the woman always have to be right?
Revised edition 2011!