Stuff and Things Happen Towards Getting Jack his Ship

Elizabeth is standing on the Dauntless with Governor Swann, Norrington, Gillette, and a bunch of other British guys. Murtogg and Mullroy, the two intellectuals, are guarding Jack, who is also on the Dauntless.

Elizabeth: But we've got to save Will!

Governor Swann: Actually, I had a different course of action in mind, one that invovled our return to Port Royal without gallavanting after pirates.

Elizabeth: So, what, you're just going to let Will die?

Governor Swann: Yeah, pretty much.

Elizabeth: NO!

Governor Swann: It's his own fault for turning pirate.

Elizabeth: To keep the real pirates from hurting me!

Jack: If I may comment, being a professional and all, it is unlikely that the Pearl is in any condition to outrun this ship here. Meaning, you can catch her and therefore eliminate the last real pirate threat in the Caribbean. Think about what that could do for your career.

Norrington: Wonderful things, if this weren't another one of your tricks, which I'm sure it is.

Jack: Cynic.

Elizabeth: James, please! If you rescue Will, I'll marry you.

Governor Swann: Are you accepting the Commodore's proposal?

Elizabeth: Didn't I just say that?

Jack: Weddings! I love weddings! Drinks all around!

Norrington: (if looks could kill Jack would be so dead right now)

Jack: Yeah, yeah, I know the drill, "pirate goes to jail", right?

Norrington: First, you're going to tell these fine men how to get to the Isla de Muerta. Then you can spend the rest of the trip contemplating all possible meanings of the phrase "shut up or else."

Jack: Is that a threat?

Norrington: Duh.

In the brig of the Black Pearl, Gibbs and them are all locked up. Ragetti and Pintel are swabbing the deck.

Parrot: You call that clean?

Gibbs: Cotton says you missed a spot.

Pintel throws the mop at Gibbs.

Will: You knew William Turner.

Pintel: Wow. That was random.

Gibbs: You get used to it.

Pintel: Anyway, Bootstrap was the only one who seemed to have a problem with marooning Jack on that island. Something about the code. Anyway, he went and mailed you a piece of the treasure because he said we deserved to be cursed.

Ragetti: Jerk.

Gibbs: You're a jerk.

Pintel: Well, as you can imagine, Barbossa wasn't particulary overjoyed at the prosepect of staying cursed forever.

Ragetti: Nope. Wasn't happy at all. Tell him what Barbossa did.

Pintel: I would, if you would shut up.

Ragetti: Sorry. I just get excited. This is my favorite part.

Pintel: So Barbossa tied a cannon to Bootstrap's bootstraps.

Ragetti: (giggles) That's funny. Bootstrap's bootstraps. Because it's Bootstrap, and his bootstraps, so it's bootstraps again.

Awkward pause.

Ragetti: Sorry, carry on.

Pintel: So anyway, the last we saw of Bootstrap was pretty basically the top of his head, as he was sinking down to Davy Jones' locker. Of course, the next day we learned that we needed his blood to lift the curse...

Ragetti: That's what you'd call... ironic...

Pintel: Where do you keep learning all these big words?

Ragetti: From the monkey.

Barbossa comes halfway down the stairs and whips the key at Ragetti's head. Ragetti ducks, and the key lands in the cell at Will's feet.

Will: I am so not dealing with this.

Barbossa rolls his eyes.

Barbossa: You figure this out. If he's not upstairs in five minutes, someone dies.

Outside the cave, Norrington, Jack, the two intellectuals, and some uncredited extras dressed in soldierly uniforms are sitting in rowboats.

Norrington: Well, this sucks.

The two intellectuals exchange glances and then look back at their Commodore, confused by his coarse speech.

Norrington: Sorry. I mean, I don't care for the situation.

Jack: The first one made more sense.

Norrington: Any attempt to storm the cave could turn into an ambush.

Jack: Well, duh, unless you're doing the ambushing.

Norrington: But I'm not…

Jack: But you could be! I go in there, convince Barbossa to send out his men in their sucker little rowboats, then you and your posse go back to your boat and blow the daylights out of them with your little cannons.

Norrington: My cannons aren't little. And my soldiers are not a posse.

Jack: Yes they are. Anyway, what do you think? What do you have to lose?

Norrington: My pride and self-respect.

Jack: Like I said, nothing to lose.

Norrington: Shut up.

Jack: Oh! One more thing! There's a small chance that the future Mrs. Your Wife will get blown off the face of the planet...

On the Dauntless, Gillette is dragging Elizabeth across the deck. She is protesting loudly.

Gillette: Sorry. Actually, I'm not, but this is for your own safety. Besides, it was a direct order from Commodore Norrington to me, and, well, being military, I am forced to follow orders. Especially orders from my illustrious Commodore…

Elizabeth: Do you ever shut up? It's a wonder the Commodore hasn't fired you yet.

Gillette: Mommy says he can't.

Elizabeth: He's easily manipulated, isn't he? Anyway, if you care about the Commodore, you'll tell him that the pirates can't die! They're cursed!

Gillette: I'm sure that if there's anything important to know, the Commodore knows it already, being illustrious and all. It would be rather un-illustrious of him to be ignorant of important facts.

Gillette gives the most annoying grin in the history of annoying grins, then locks Elizabeth up. Why can't someone slap him instead of Jack, for once?

Revised edition 2011!