Gotta Love Suckers
Pirates are dragging Will through the cave.
Pintel: Don't worry. Just a prick of the finger, and it'll be all over.
Twigg: Actually, we're going to spill it all this time. Just for good measure.
Pintel: Sucks to be you.
Barbossa drags Will up to the chest of gold, holds his knife, and prepares to make another long speech. Probably a boring one, too. Suddenly, Jack Sparrow shows up.
Will: Jack!
Jack: Hey everyone! Did you miss me?
Pintel: No.
Ragetti: You were gone?
Jack: Thanks guys. Well, anyways, I'm back.
Barbossa: That's impossible!
Jack: Lies.
Will: Where's Elizabeth?
Jack: Do you ever think about anything else? You do realize there's a maniacal pirate holding a knife to your throat...
Will: Where is she?
Jack: Don't worry, she's safe, just like I promised. She's all set to marry Norrington, just like she promised...
Will gags.
Jack: ...you're going to die for her, just like you promised. So, looks like we're all men of our word! Except for Elizabeth, who is, in fact, a woman.
Barbossa: Shut up! You're next!
Barbossa moves to slit Will's artery.
Jack: You don't want to be doing that...
Barbossa: Yes, actually, I do.
Jack: Sucks for you.
Barbossa barely restrains himself from throwing the knife at Jack's head.
Barbossa: What do you know?
Jack: I know that the square root of 4,652,001 is not 12.
Barbossa: Let's keep this conversation centered around pertinent information, shall we?
Jack: In that case, I know that the HMS Dauntless is anchored just outside, ready to blast you and your crew of miscreants to tiny bits.
Norrington is still sitting in that rowboat with Murtogg and Mullroy.
Murtogg: May I inquire as to what we are doing here?
Mullroy: I believe our plan is to wait until the pirates exit the cave, and then we are to open fire on them.
Murtogg: Well, yes, I was able to infer that that was our ultimate goal, but why are we not following the plan set before us by Mr. Sparrow? The one involving the cannons?
Norrington: Because Mr. Sparrow sucks. And now if the two of you don't shut up I will turn this boat around and you will both be court-martialed.
Murtogg: You doubt that he was being truthful?
Norrington: I said, shut up!
Back in the cave...
Jack: Just listen for a minute. You send your miscreants to the Dauntless to decrease the British population. Robert's your uncle, Fannie's your aunt, and suddenly you have two ships. So that would make you Commodore Barbossa. I offer my services as Captain of the lesser vessel, since naturally you'll be taking the best one for yourself, since you're a pirate and all.
Barbossa: What does my Aunt Fannie have to do with any of this?
Jack: That's not the point. I'll say this simply. I get the Pearl. You get the Dauntless. Kapeish?
Barbossa: I suppose you'll want me to not kill this sucker.
Jack: Not at all. Kill the sucker. Who needs them anyways? But just wait to lift the curse until you've killed Norrington's entire posse.
Barbossa: Norrington has a posse?
Jack suddenly points over Barbossa's shoulder.
Jack: Is that Justin Bieber?
Barbossa turns to look.
Barbossa: Where?
Jack steals a piece of gold from the chest. Will notices.
Will: You've been planning this from the beginning. Ever since you learned my name.
Jack: Duh.
Barbossa turns back.
Barbossa: I don't see Justin Bieber…
Jack: Oops. My bad. Ah, well, anyways, what do you say to my offer?
Barbossa: I say I want fifty percent of your plunder.
Jack: Thief. Fifteen percent.
Barbossa: Forty.
Jack: Twenty-five. And I'll buy you a new hat. Really big and feathery and simply as ridiculous as possible. Commodore.
Barbossa: Fine. We have an accord.
They shake hands.
Jack: Everybody to the boats!
Barbossa: Ahem. Hello?
Jack: Right, sorry. You give the orders.
Barbossa: Everybody... take a walk!
Jack: Wait, what?
Revised edition 2011!