Epic Battles and the Like
Ragetti and Pintel are in a rowboat, dressed as women. Norrington sees them.
Norrington: Don't shoot.
Random Soldier: I wasn't going to shoot anyone.
Norrington: I didn't ask if you were going to.
Random Soldier: You ended that sentence with a preposition.
Norrington: Who do you think you are, my English teacher?
The Random Soldier takes off a disguise and reveals that he is, in fact, Norrington's English teacher.
Norrington: I don't think this can get any weirder.
Oh, but it can.
Ragetti: This is just like what the Greeks did at Troy! Except, they were in a horse, instead of dresses...
Pintel: Yeah. Kind of a big difference, don't you think?
Ragetti and Pintel are distracting the soldiers while pirates climb aboard the Dauntless. Sucks for Norrington. Governor Swann is on board, obviously, and he goes to the room Elizabeth is locked in. Sorry, proper grammar would be "to the room in which Elizabeth is locked".
Governor Swann: Hey, Elizabeth? I just wanted to tell you that I'm glad you decided to marry Norrington.
Elizabeth: Screw Norrington. I'm outta here.
She throws a rope out the window and climbs out of the ship down to a rowboat.
Governor Swann: Of course, a right decision made for the wrong reasons can be a wrong decision... What does that mean, anyway? Hm...
Pause.
Governor Swann: Elizabeth, are you there?
She's not.
Ragetti and Pintel are still in their rowboat, making fun of each other.
Ragetti: My dress is prettier than yours.
Pintel: You sound like a fool.
Ragetti: Well, you look like one.
Pintel attacks Ragetti, which reveals them for the undead pirate zombies they are. Pintel shoots Gillette's hat off.
Gillette: Oh wow... There's pirates invading this ship that the illustrious Commodore Norrington left me in charge of... He'd want me to defend it.
The soldiers attack the pirates. Or maybe it was the other way around. Either way, it doesn't really matter. They're all fighting now.
Jack and Barbossa and Will and some random undead pirates are standing in the cave near the treasure.
Barbossa: You know, Jack, you're always the same. Unpredictable.
Jack: Lies. Will, on the other hand, is stupid. So he does stuff like this!
Jack takes a pirate's sword and throws it to Will, then takes out his own sword and starts attacking Barbossa. They do some fancy things, running all over, and when they come to a pause, they exchange taunts, such as Barbossa's next line.
Barbossa: You're off the edge of the map. Here there be monsters.
Jack: Don't be silly. The kraken's not due to show up for another year yet.
Barbossa just attacks Jack again.
When Elizabeth comes on board the Black Pearl, Grapple and some other pirate are sitting at a table with food. Outside their window, the monkey falls on a cannon, then slides into the water. They figure something must not be going quite according to plan.
Elizabeth goes down to where Gibbs and the other guys are being held in the cells.
Gibbs: It's Elizabeth!
Elizabeth: No dip, Sherlock.
Ragetti and Pintel fire cannons at the British. An almost-dead British guy rings the bell and then becomes a dead British guy.
Norrington hears the bell.
Norrington: Gillette is having a fail. *sigh* Let's go help him.
On board said ship, a pirate is attempting to kidnap Governor Swann's wig, of all things. He fights an epic battle of his own against a severed arm trying to get it back.
In the cave, Barbossa and Jack are still fighting.
Barbossa: You can't beat me, Jack.
Jack: Wanna bet?
Jack impales Barbossa. Nothing happens. Barbossa sighs, and impales Jack with the same sword. Jack staggers backwards into the moonlight and reveals that he is also an undead immortal skeleton. Barbossa stares in perplexity (don't you just love that word?) and Jack examines his skeletonly fingers.
Jack: That's awesome.
Jack pulls out a piece of cursed gold.
Jack: Heehee.
Barbossa attacks him again, and they continue fighting. After a while, they pause to once again exchange threats and taunts.
Barbossa: So, what now? We can't die, so are we going to keep on swinging our swords at each other until Judgement Day or something?
Jack: Or you could surrender.
Barbossa attacks Jack. Again.
On the Black Pearl, Elizabeth and some pirates throw the undead guards into the ocean.
Elizabeth: Okay, great, now all of you help me with this boat!
The response is, well, nonexistant.
Elizabeth: Um, hello?
Parrot: Any port in the storm.
Elizabeth: What?
Gibbs: Cotton's right. We've got the Pearl.
Elizabeth: That's not what he said. And Cotton didn't even say it!
Parrot: Just work with me, okay?
Elizabeth: And what about Jack? You're just gonna ditch him, or what?
Gibbs: Well, when you put it that way...
Marty: Jack owes us a ship.
Gibbs: And there's the code to consider...
Elizabeth: Screw code! It's more like guidelines anyway.
Apparently, she's unsuccessful at convincing them. She ends up in a rowboat by herself.
Elizabeth: Pirates suck.
On the Dauntless, Ragetti and Pintel notice as the Black Pearl starts to sail away.
Ragetti: Hey... what's that?
Pintel: That's the Black Pearl, Sherlock.
Ragetti: But... it's moving... IT'S ALIVE!
Pintel: No, they're stealing it!
Ragetti: Jerks.
In the cave, the epic battle is still being thought. A random pirate wants to skewer Will with a sword.
Random Pirate: I'm gonna teach you the meaning of pain.
Elizabeth shows up.
Elizabeth: If you like pain, try having a pan of fire shoved into your bed and scorching your feet.
Random Pirate: No thanks.
Elizabeth knocks him out with a large metal thing. Then she notices that Jack is a skeleton.
Elizabeth: So... is Jack with us?
Will: I don't even think the writers know.
Will positions himself strategically by the chest, holding the medallion and a knife. Jack cuts his hand so he bleeds on the piece of gold he took, and tosses the coin to Will. Then Jack shoots Barbossa.
Barbossa: Sucker. You've waited ten years, and now you've wasted that shot.
Will: Not quite.
Will drops the medallion and the other coin into the chest. Poof. Curse broken.
Barbossa: Well, crap.
Barbossa falls over dead.
On board the Dauntless, Norrington stabs a pirate and the pirate actually dies.
Norrington: I just did that!
The rest of the pirates suddenly realize the curse has been broken and quickly surrender to the British.
Pintel: Parlay?
Norrington: Yes! Sweet victory! Does the ownage never cease?
Pause. The British stare at Norrington, confused.
Norrington: I mean, the ship is ours.
Gillette: HUZZAH! Three cheers for the illustrious Commodore Norrington!
Governor Swann comes out of the room, wig intact, and joins in the cheering. He also pretends to punch a pirate in the face.
In the cave, Will and Elizabeth are having a "moment". Then Jack ruins it by making loud clanking noises.
Elizabeth: Uh... yeah. I should, um… go.
Will: That one guy will want to make sure you're alive. So he can marry you and all.
Elizabeth: The Commodore, you mean?
Will: Yeah, something like that.
Elizabeth leaves. Jack comes over to Will, all decked out in crowns, jewels, bracelets, and other gold stuff.
Jack: If you were looking for the opportune moment... that was it.
Will: Oops.
Jack: Pretty much. Anyway, I'd appreciate it very much if you'll take me back to my ship.
They're in a rowboat, rowing. Duh, what else would you do in a rowboat? Lots of things, I guess. But let's not get off-topic, shall we? The people in question are rowing, and that's all that matters to this story. Jack notices that his ship is gone and quickly deduces that his crew took it.
Jack: They acted like pirates. I'd be a hypocrite to condemn them for that.
Revised edition 2011!