"I heard what happened." Angel said quietly as he moved closer to her.
"So, what? The Powers sent you to tell me I can't give up?" Buffy said sarcastically, taking out her anger at not being able to save Dawn on the nearest available target: her soulmate.
"Give up? What are you talking about?" Angel asked. "I meant about your sister…"
"Well, your source obviously wasn't very informative." Buffy said, turning away from him again and pulling her knees closer to her chest. "Yeah, Dawn's gone. I'll deal, just like I always do."
"Buffy," Angel sat cautiously on the side of her bed, hearing the accusation in her voice.
"The bigger news," She continued as if he hadn't spoke, "is that I'm not the Slayer anymore. I told The Powers That fuckin Be exactly where they could shove it!"
"Buffy, it's not their…"
"It certainly is their fault." Buffy turned on him, her voice growing louder. "They're in charge of the universe, aren't they? They're the ones who decided that fifteen-year-old girls should be called to fight all the monsters and then die before they ever really got to live. They're the ones who decided that people get to die of tumors, and cancer, and hemorrhages." Tears were rolling down Buffy's face as she yelled, half to him and half up to the heavens. "They're the ones who turned some ancient Key into a person, and then fucked with my memories so I loved that person. And then they took her away from me, just like they've taken so many people that I love." Buffy said the last softly, finally collapsing into Angel's waiting arms.
Angel pulled her tightly against him, whispering nonsense in her ear as he tried to calm her.
Buffy sobbed uncontrollably for several minutes, and Angel continued to speak softly and rub her back soothingly. After what seemed like an eternity of watching his love in so much pain, Angel was relieved what she finally started to calm down. He continued whispering things to her, not even paying attention to what he was saying.
"A roon mo khre?" Buffy finally spoke, pronouncing the unfamiliar words slowly. "You know, you'd be a lot more comforting if you spoke in English."
Angel pulled back slightly to look into her face, and despite all the pain he still saw there, he saw the ghost of a smile. "A rún mo chroí." He repeated the words he had said, his accent thick in his memory. "It means 'O, love of my heart.'" He whispered softly.
The smile appeared, however small. "What else were you saying?" She curled up against his chest, resting her head on his shoulder.
Angel searched his memory, but couldn't think of a single thing he'd said. "I don't even know. I wasn't thinking about it; I was just talking." He stayed with her change of topics, knowing she'd get around to the other things she had told him when she was ready.
"But not in English."
"It's Gaelic." Angel said, his hand trailing up and down her arm comfortingly. "My native tongue. Sometimes, it just comes out when I'm not thinking. Wesley says I use it whenever I'm really upset or if I talk in my sleep or something. I don't even think about it."
"Um…you said something about wouren and eoneen." Buffy pronounced the words slowly.
"Mhuirnín" Angel smiled at the first word she said, pronouncing it slightly different than the way she remembered it, but still close. "It means sweetheart. And ionúin is beloved."
"You still…I mean…" Buffy trailed off in confusion.
Angel didn't answer, but when she looked up into his face, the desire she saw in his eyes replaced any doubts she had that his feelings had changed. He kissed her lightly on the forehead.
"Who called you?" Buffy asked finally, his love a crutch that held her battered emotions together in some semblance of normality.
"Spike did, believe it or not." Angel said, still not sure of the reason himself.
"I believe it." Buffy said after a second of hesitation. He felt her heartbeat quicken slightly, as if she was nervous about something.
"What is it?" He asked her.
"Spike, he…he has a crush on me. And he was always like a big brother to Dawnie…" She trailed off as she spoke her sister's name, tears filling her eyes again.
Buffy felt Angel tense up as she mentioned Spike's crush, but to his credit he refrained from any nasty comments about his Grand-Childe.
"I could never love him back, obviously, but he's been so nice to us all these past months, and I honestly don't know what I would have done without him." Buffy's voice took on a slightly accusing tone. "He was here for me when I needed someone, someone who didn't expect me to be The Slayer." She said the title importantly, as if she had just named herself the most powerful woman in the world. "He understands me more than I ever expected, which scared me at first, but then it was nice, and it was familiar, and it reminded…"
"It reminded you of me?" Angel offered cautiously when she trailed off. He felt her head move fractionally up and down against his chest.
"After we found out about Dawn, he'd go patrolling with me sometimes. He said he needed to release all his energy since he couldn't hunt people anymore, but I know he was just looking out for me. He knew I was so worried about Dawn that I was distracted most of the time, and he wanted to make sure I didn't get killed or something. Angel, there were times when he'd put his hand on my shoulder, or take my hand, or something little like that, and if I closed my eyes for a second it was like you were there again." She pulled away from his chest slightly, looking up at his face and reaching a hand up to stroke his cheek. "With Riley, I could never pretend that, no matter how much I wanted to, because he was so hot and…" She trailed off, in tears again. "But Spike is cool, just like you. I closed my eyes, and for a moment, you were there and everything was okay."
Angel pulled her more tightly against him, shifting their positions on her bed to get them as close as possible while they were still sitting. "I'm sorry." Each word came slowly, as if wrenched from his very soul. "I'm sorry I wasn't here for you when you needed me. I'm sorry I made you doubt how I felt about you. I'm sorry that…"
"Shh." Buffy reached up and put her fingers to his lips. "You're here now. That's all that matters."
"But maybe if I had been here…"
"Nothing would be different, Angel." She whispered sadly. "The only way for Dawn to be alive would be for me to have died in her place, and I don't think you'd have let me take her place."
"You could have?" He whispered. Now he understood where a good deal of her guilt came from.
"The blood of the Key opened the portal, so it was needed to close it." She whispered.
"This is sounding way too familiar." He said under his breath.
She heard him nonetheless. "Tell me about it." She said wryly. "Anyway, since they made Dawn from me and Mom, it was Summer's blood that could close the portal. It didn't have to be her, but she wouldn't let me...she said I was still needed in the world."
"And she's right, Buffy." Angel whispered, wishing he could shield her from the horrible truth that her sister was a necessary sacrifice for a cause Buffy wasn't even sure she believed in anymore.
"I know." Buffy flashed back to her last words with Dawn. "I told her that's what made it so hard. And I told Willow that there's nothing left for me to fight for, to hope for."
"Yes, there is Buffy." Angel pulled away from her for the first time since she'd fallen into his arms. He moved away just enough to look her in the eyes. "I know you don't exactly like prophecies, but there's one that you need to know about."
She eyes him warily. "What?"
"Wesley found one, a little while ago, that talked about me." Angel admitted. "It said that when I fulfilled my destiny, I would Shanshu."
"You would die?" Buffy questioned in horror.
"How did you…" Angel started to ask, but he noticed quickly that her eyes weren't looking at him anymore. She was staring blankly ahead, as if remembering something.
Death is your gift
Buffy heard the voices in her head, speaking in English as far as she could tell.
But she also heard, for the first time, echoes underneath of a much older language, one the Slayer in her had interpreted into a language she could understand.
Shanshu aiel siedi alcarn
Death is your gift
No, wait. That wasn't right. The Slayer in her suddenly grasped something.
Shanshu
Death Life Rebirth
It meant all of those things, and yet none of them.
"What is your destiny?" She asked softly, still not looking up at him.
"I don't know." He still looked at her strangely, but answered her question honestly. "The Oracles said something once about my saving the world. They also once told me that together, we are powerful."
Buffy caught the hidden 'but' in his statement. "But what?"
"Together, we're powerful." He repeated. "But alone, we're dead." He said, so quietly only her supernatural hearing allowed her to pick it up.
"When did they tell you this?"
"Over a year ago." He hung his head, unable to look at her.
"Then why have I been alone this past year?" Buffy asked in a small voice.
He gaped at her bedspread. "Buffy, you're not alone. You…"
"You know what I mean." Her hand went to his face again, this time taking his chin in her hand and forcing him to look at her.
"You know why we can't be together, Buffy." Angel whispered, tears coming to his eyes. "If I'm ever truly happy, and I know I would be with you…it's just too great a temptation."
Because I wanted to. Because I want you so badly. I want to take comfort in you, and I know it'll cost me my soul, and a part of me doesn't care. Angel's words from that one miraculous Christmas came back to her full force.
"But Willow's a really good witch now, maybe she could work some way around it, or…"
"Buffy, even if she could, that's not the only thing that stands between us. I'm a vampire, and I'm not going to shanshu -which, by the way, means live, not die-until I earn my redemption. If I stayed with you, it would be all too easy to give up the fight, just like you did." Angel said sadly, part of him hoping he could bring her around to being the Slayer again.
"How can you fight for them, after all the things they've done to us?" She asked, her voice no longer upset, merely sad.
TBC…