Magical Development
A Harry Potter/Arrested Development Crossover
2 of 7
Plans in Motion
It was a typical day at Hogwarts. The birds were chirping. The trees were devouring first years who had no idea what they were doing. Actually Harry Potter and friends were some of the luckier students in their first year. The dangers of the grounds of Hogwarts had on occasion caused the insurers at Bling, Speedy, and Greywolf to literally cry, but nothing had prepared the grounds for what happened when George Oscar Bluth entered the grounds.
"Oh dammit!" It filled the halls around the area to the Defense Against the Dark Arts room for several minutes. In fact, the exactly words that were said in this combination cannot be reprinted due to their sheer horrible nature. In fact, they will be featured next week at your local theater in several movies. Have you been to your local theater lately?
It was at that point that a man in dark robes and a dour demeanor ran through the corridors from his own quarters to his new master which was one of many. As the pale hands ripped the door from its keyhole, George Oscar Bluth in some of the finest robes possible sat there trying to put a flaming pile of plastic and metal out. "Ah, Snappy! Just the sourpuss, I was looking for. I needed to check my e-mail because I have a hot date with a lady." Well talking about the date, GOB began to generate up and down. Snape rolled his eyes wishing for the strength to go on. As for the date, there really wasn't one. By now, you should realize that GOB only gets dates with cheap prostitutes and 3rd place Beauty Contestants.
"For the love of Merlin, didn't you watch the informational magic ball?" Snape was quite rightfully pissed. He had been promised the position now occupied by the foolish American who couldn't rub two wands together to make fire. Actually, GOB had tried that on three separate occasions earlier that day with different results each time. Before the boorish American had appeared, Snape had noticed that Dumbledore had been reading a rather horridly looking book while looking at a list of wizard family lines. The man's eyes lit up like a roman candle, and that's how Snape lost his position as Professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts.
The book in question was written by a ghost writer who had in fact been a 3rd place contestant in a beauty contest. She only lost the title of Miss Brainy because she in fact only had a Bachelor of Arts in Sociology. And I guess you can figure out the rest?
However, the situation at hand presented itself again to Snape. "Well, I kind of fast forwarded towards the end."
The answer echoed throughout the hall. "You fastforwarded! That's not even possible with a magic ball." In fact, GOB had fastforwarded the whole way through. Due to the fact that GOB never actually trained his powers, well they kind of have unexpected results as any untrained wizard was known to cause. Thus Snape was not really the assistant, but the babysitter for some sort of intricate plan that ballfield him.
Holding his hand against face, Snape slowly counted and after five he finally told his "superior" why his electronic device had turned into a crisp little box. "Well if you had watched it fully, you would have learned that all outside electronic devices are magically disabled at Hogwarts!"
Snape ran out at that moment. A shocked and confused GOB began to wonder how to get to his various internet sites like Women of the Night and Little Christian School Girl when he decided to look at the events for the year at Hogwarts to see if there was a particular event. Snape slammed the door shut.
Back in the model home, Michael was still trying to come to grips with the idea that his mother was a witch. Though as he sat at the computer, he noticed suddenly that it was working faster. This was due to the fact that it hadn't been visited by GOB for several days. However, Michael had yet to find a private school to send his son George Michael to help him escape from the sudden news that had been kept quiet by most of the family. Ironically, it was at this point that George Michael ran through the door.
"Dad, I need some help. I hear snakes talking!" It was it this point that Michael had images of his son taking drugs. "Son, have you been taking drug?," he suddenly asked his son who was so afraid of drugs that he once reported that his father had been on dupe after accidently taking Tylenol with a glass of wine. It wasn't pretty. There was also the time that George Michael was asked by his uncle to get him weed. Well that wasn't pretty either except for the constant throwing of arms.
"No, Dad. I'm serious here. Why won't you listen to me?" It was at this point that George Michael ran off leaving behind a befuddled Michael who suddenly and mysteriously had what appeared to be a ornate envelope with gold trimming in his hand. He started to read the strange and quite weird message. However, he liked the words exclusive and private. "Who gave George Michael a free ride at Durmstrang Institute?"
In his anger, George Micahel ran into his room that he shared with his cousin Maeby. The problem was that instead of finding Maeby: he discovered his uncle Tobias rummaging through his clothes. Apparently Tobias had gotten a part on the newest Teen movie as Nerdy Teen 3 which ironically was being produced by his daughter. "Ah the hip George Michael. Don't mind me, I just need some hip young threads for my acting career!" Being upset and unable to concentrate, George Micahel did the only thing that ever really relaxed him: he did his math homework.
"Ah retreating into the box, I see. Come George Michael, you have to let you feelings out or else you will just be as balled up as your father." It was at that point that George Michael had enough. The pencil was thrown down. Getting to his full height, George Michael looked directly at his uncle Tobias which meant that he had to lean down a bit. "You know you are annoying with your constant babbling! Did you even graduate from medical school?"
Tobias walked back to avoid his nephew's rage which he concluded was due to his default answer that was actually ninety-nine point nine percent wrong. "Now, George Michael. We all have problems keeping up the appearance in this patristical society. Just admit that you like Steve Holt as I assumed last year, and all the rage shall wash away like river washing away silt."
It this point any self respecting man would have punched Tobias. However, George Michael had been discovering things about himself. Things that could grant world domination or a lucrative career in goblin toasting, the second most popular sport in the wizarding world. No, his anger wasn't going down it had increased. "How did you ever stay in psychologist position? You couldn't even figure out why I wanted to be in that damn play!"
Tobias holding himself against the lower bunk shook in his cutoffs. "Wasn't it Steve Holt?"Clouds and thunder like out of some cartoon appeared around George Michael. "No, you hamster like man. I love Maeby!" Tobias seized up and then went back to psychoanalyzing. "That's just sick!" Note, Steve Holt is the son of George Oscar Bluth, so well it still pretty weird that Tobias would say this certain statement with the added weirdness of well you know. But what can this poor narrator do? It's not like Tobias knew this yet. Suddenly lightning struck Tobias from one of the clouds. Smoke and other interesting effects appeared and just for humor sake "Hurricane" started to play.
George Michael coughing in the smoke that had appeared peered through to see that his uncle Tobias no longer was on the lower bunk. Clothing was all around the room as the magical aftermath disappeared leaving behind a sulfur taste and a smell not unlike chocolate. "Uncle Tobias?" George Micahel looked around for awhile, but he didn't discover his uncle. All that remained of his uncle was his well worn cutoffs.
Getting scared, George Micahel fled his room. Out from under the sheet emerged a small rodent like figure. In fact, it was quite hairy well except for its head. The small creature realized that it wasn't wearing any clothes, so it held its privates that can't even be seen in its current form. That was when Maeby entered the room. "Oh My God, finally after all these years! I have a hamster."
Back at Hogwarts, the trio from Gryffindor walked into Defense Against the Dark Arts room. It was typical for Harry to be excited, but for the life of him, he couldn't figure out who the new Professor was. It wasn't Slugworth, and apparently Snape wasn't teaching Potions which helped him out. However, Harry's hopes that Snape had been picked up as a Death Eater and sent to a nasty place.
"Harry, are you going to continue the D.A.?" asked Hermione. Harry sat down with her and Ron as he noticed that there seemed to be voices that were not students. Like there were twenty separate voices are setting something up. He was about to react like a mongoose. When suddenly he was held down in place by a slimy hand. "Sit down, Mr. Potter."
As Harry realized that Snape was there. Suddenly his heart raced, and he realized that he was doomed. Not as doomed at Roger B. Milton of the class of '53, he lost his parchment somewhere in London that contained an ancient spell that caused hair to fall out. It was not pretty what happened to a tourist named Stan Sitwell who now is ever bald as he was after he read the spell. He never did get to sue Mr. Milton, but Milton ended up due to unauthorized magic sent to Azkaban. He was never really liked by the other prisoners especially the former Death Eaters. Though some of the Death Eaters did end up kind of hairless if they tried to mess with that Hufflepuff.
Regardless of fear, Harry suddenly noticed that Snape was just standing at the back of the room and waiting for some odd reason to start class. It was at this point that Ron started a bit of a discussion. "Harry if Snape is the Professor, why hasn't he started class?"
This was a question that raced through Harry's mind as well. "I have no clue what is going on, Ron."
Then suddenly a voice seemed to emanate from all corners of the room. "Behold, I am here to give you warning of the darkness against the light." Then there was an explosion of light. The voice returned. "Against the darkness there stands a . . . dam like beavers have." Followed by flying books and a beaver. Snape was holding his face in his hand swearing to some higher power. Ok, he was praying to God!
Then out of nowhere music on violins started to play: it was annoying. Then the shrill voices started to speak. Draco Malfoy held his hands on his head and he started to bang it. Then the voice after humming began to speak. "The Final Countdown!"
Finally an explosion and a man popped up out of it. He stood about six feet, and he was wearing a fine robe that looked it was brand new. It was embalmed with the gold thread all about it. Overall, it was pretty grey. Then the figure spoke. "I am a simple magician named GOB! Why is there a floating beaver?"
Snape answered back. "Because you apparently didn't tell the damn house elves not to have a floating beaver suddenly appear, oh great and powerful GOB."
"Why yes, I'm the great and powerful GOB!" He stood dramatically as he flicked his wrist with his brand new wand. Also quite expensive. Suddenly the beaver disappeared, but it was replaced by some guy in a strange hat who looked slightly like a beaver. "Finally, I can get a job in real dam construction."
The most disturbing aspect was that the man was completely naked and non magically. Screams were heard from the halls as the beaver man walked through trying to get to London to apply for a job building dams. He was a great sooin with the government. However that left GOB just standing there with students looking at him like he was a complete and utter git.
That was when Snape butted in. "This first lesson in the defense against the dark arts is to never mix two completely different spells as demonstrated by the Magnificent George Oscar Bluth. Remember, you have to use an equal spell to counteract the spell of a dark wizard."
It was it that point that Snape pulled out his wand and ran down the hall trying to get rid of the magically beaverman who was also still quite naked. The students continued to hear meowing and other strange and wonderful sounds coming from the halls. It was then that GOB continued to speak. "Yes when battling the Dark Arts, it is always important to make sure that you don't make the spell worse." GOB fumbled and he lost his place in the cards that he kept in his robe.
It was at this point due to his frustration that he threw up his arms, and said a magically phrase. "Free Money!" Suddenly it was raining silvery coins. "Remember a distraction works too. Now remember to read in you text chapters 4-6 for next class!" As suddenly as he appeared another fireworks display occurred. It was quite spectacular, but GOB ended up setting himself on fire that had occurred once a year since he was seven.
As GOB ran out the door, Draco looked at the coin, and he suddenly realized something profound. "Wait a second, this is American money. It's practically worthless in this country."
Harry also made up his mind. "To your question earlier Hermione, I believe that it would be best if I continue the DA."
Noone noticed Pansy Parkinson with clothing that looked less than her usually standard. She seemed angry to a degree that well was even unusual for Slytherin. "That's my cousin!"
Back in Orange County, George Michael arrived at Ann's house to discover that she was trying to catalogue some sort of new television show. "George Michael, I need some help making sure that I catch all the wickedness in this show about a Hindu god trying to kill Satan worshipers parading around as a kid's show." George Michael didn't really care, but he was caught into the show's thrilling story about a world out of balance with four basic elements.
"So, did you catch the fifteen blasphemes in that one scene?" Ann asked. The fact that George Michael started to see the female who sounded a bit like Ann in place of Ann started to cause problems when suddenly Ann's heavier framed started to melt away. The white skin changed to a darker tone and her hair suddenly had hair loops. Though her attire did not change, but it was a little bit bagger. "George Michael, are you listening to me?"
The shock of seeing the change in Ann Veal into the character on the screen caused George Michael to panic. "Ann, you look like the screen. Oh my God, I made a horrible mistake." He ran out the door. As he ran George Michael suddenly realized that he was a monster. "I am a Monster." Ironically walking by looking for "Army" recruits was Uncle Buster who himself thought that he was a monster. All Buster heard was monster from the passing shape that he did not recognize because he didn't have his glasses on straight. "Monster. . .," he repeated. Then looking at his right hand, he realized that he was the monster. "I am a Monster!" He said then he started running around in circles screaming the same thing.
George Michael finally returned to the Mini-Mansion expecting to be thrown in jail. When he entered the house, he noticed Aunt Lindsay didn't look upset. Actually, Lindsay was excited. "Finally, Tobias left me. Now, I can get a divorce." Suddenly her eyes watered over. "He thinks I'm fat!" This would probably be a good point for Lucille to walk in, but she was currently still in the United Kingdom trying to get more money out of GOB.
Michael sat there trying to comfort her, but failing miserable. "Don't worry. I'm sure that Tobias will turn up soon." In fact, Tobias was currently in a hamster wheel being watched by his daughter as she finally had the childhood that she always wanted.
Michael finally noticed that George Michael had walked in. "Wait champ, there something that you should know." Suddenly the boy seized up, and he felt sweat pour off his face. "I didn't mean to do it. I just not in control anymore, and noone will listen to me."
"Don't worry. You apparently are in great control. A DE Enterprises noticed all your good work, and has paid for something better than the Milford Institute. I've already signed you up! Apparently there will be a man by tomorrow to pick you up."
George Michael fainted at that point.
Next Time on Magically Development
- GOB starts a new tradition at Hogwarts.
- Snape learns the real reason behind GOB's appointment.
- And George Michael decides that his free ride came with more strings than he realized. "If you do not learn quickly, there will be more pain!"
Author Notes: Ok, the originally plan was for thirteen parts, but because I only planned out enough material for seven parts. There will be only seven parts, so it will be a little more limited. Also, Mae Whitmore(Ann Veal) plays a couple of cartoon voices which left me with a great opportunity to make a joke. Hopefully, it wasn't too obvious who I altered her into.