The Malevolence of Turtles
This is the second chappy of this rather strange fanfic. Hope you all enjoy it!!! Although, the third chapter isn't finished yet, so I hope you enjoy it, but are not obsessed with the awesomeness of it and demand that I write the third chapter or you'll smite me…just wanting me to finish it would be sufficient.
Chapter 2
"AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!" Remus leapt up, tore out of the living room and sprinted out of the house into the street, unfourtunately forgetting to actually open the door, resulting in a lot of splintered wood and a lot of broken door.
"Oh yeah, that's right, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was on," remarked Lily, stating the obvious while cringing at the fact that they no longer had the door that James had just repaired.
"Well duh Lily, you are always stating the obvious," said Sirius, unintentionally stating the obvious and ending up looking like an idiot once again.
"Um Sirius, you just stated the obvious," stated James in an obvious tone, now looking like the bigger idiot for not picking up on that fact and just keeping his mouth shut.
"Look, we're getting nowhere," Lily cut in.
"She did it again, James."
"So did you, Sirius."
"GUYS! Whether or not I stated the obvious is irrelevant, as we currently have a very disturbed werewolf running off in some direction and it's two hours till sundown!"
"……So?"
"So, it's a full moon tonight!"
All-round gasps and a "dun dun DUN" in the background.
"Well, in that case, we must do something! To the batmobile!"
"What the hell are you talking about, James?"
"Uh… We'll use Sirius' motorbike to go and find him?"
"Oh, good idea!"
20 minutes later….
"There is no way you are driving, Prongs!"
"Why not!?"
"Remember what happened last time?"
"……ummmm…….no!"
"Don't be clever, you almost got me killed!"
"I did not! I just didn't handle the situation very well."
"DIDN'T HANDLE IT VERY WELL? JAMES! YOU COMPLETELY FREAKED OUT!"
"I completely freaked out? You were the one screaming. Let me remind you of my driving lesson, shall I?"
FLASHBACK
It was an exciting day. Harry had just celebrated his first month on earth, the sun was out, the birds were singing, and Sirius was taking James on a driving lesson with the new 911 Turbo Porsche James had just got for his birthday. Now, James didn't actually have a licence, because you didn't need one to ride a broomstick, but being an adult now, he needed to buckle down and get some experience! So after much begging and slave labour, Sirius had agreed to take James out for practice.
"Okay, now, you remember where everything is?" asked Sirius the moment they had settled into the car and admired the awesomeness of it.
"Yep, gears, steering wheel, radio, accelerator, and this thing here that I don't understand at all."
"That's the brake."
"Oh. Alright, if you say so."
"I'm just going to put this on," said Sirius in a slightly panicky voice as he conjured a crash helmet from thin air and clicked it tightly over his head, being careful not to damage his perfect hair. "Now," he continued, "just put the gearstick into drive (it was an automatic), and ease your foot off the brake-"
"The what?" asked James as they lurched forward off the driveway.
"The brake! Put your bloody foot on the brake!"
"You mean this thing here? Alrighty then." James said cheerfully as he slammed his foot onto the pedal.
"NO, YOU IDIOT, THAT'S THE ACCELERATOR! THE BRAKE!! THE ONE NEXT TO IT!"
James slammed his foot a second time, catching the brake and throwing both the occupants forward with so great a force that Sirius was lucky he had his crash helmet on.
"Sorry," James said meekly.
It took a long time, some VERY deep breaths and some extensive yoga to get Sirius in a calm mood. (In fact, so extensive was the yoga that he could perform any pose in the Karma Sutra if James was up for it, which he wasn't, because this isn't a slash fic, but I thought you might like to know…)
"That's alright, mate," Sirius started in a voice of forced calm, "just remember where the brake is next time, and keep your foot on it. And stay away from trees," he added cautiously as he peered out the window at the metre-wide trunk a foot from his door.
"Rightio….keep my foot where?"
"THE BRAKE, YOU-!!!! The brake James, that pedal there. Now, let's try again, shall we? But you're going to have to put the car in reverse first. Start by putting your foot firmly on the bra- the pedal there," Sirius changed because James was giving him a quizzical look. "And put the gear stick in reverse. Good? Okay, now, slowly ease you foot off the br- pedal, and twiddle the steering wheel until you-"
END OF FLASHBACK
"Okay, so I was a bit rusty,"
"A bit?!" Sirius exclaimed. "I was scared for my life!"
"Yeah, well, it got better, didn't it?"
"No, James, you must be thinking of ANOTHER driver, because you did NOT get any better. Do you remember your actual test?"
FLASHBACK
It was a slightly overcast day with a 2 knot wind NNE, not the best conditions to conduct a driving test, but it was also a Monday, and everyone was at work, therefore there were not many cars on the road. Which was a good thing, thought Sirius Black as he climbed hesitantly into the passenger seat of the newly repaired 911 Turbo Porsche; there would be less casualties.
"Thanks so much for doing this, Pads," remarked the messy black-haired young man from behind the steering wheel, "I know we haven't exactly had the best run with my driving lessons…"
"Too right," mumbled Sirius under his breath as he gingerly tested his bottom on the seat, and wincing as he put his weight on the tender part that had received the fury of the gear stick in James' last lesson. "Let's just get this over with."
"Alright, now, keep my foot on the pedal here, what's it called again?"
"The brake."
"Oh yeah, so I do that, and now we're moving!"
My god, this is so boring! Thought Sirius 10 minutes later, as James carefully turned ANOTHER corner.
"My god, how many bloody corners does this suburb have?" asked Sirius in disbelief.
"Huh? What do you mean?" James replied, "I've just been going around the block."
"……"
"Sirius?"
"Get out of the car."
"What?"
"Get out of the car or out of this bloody street!"
Okay, this is slightly better, Sirius thought as he wound down the window to feel the cool breeze air, only to have his face engulfed in a cloud of gas fumes. Coughing, he turned away to talk to James about the horrible state the environment was in, when he realised they were in a six lane highway and James had not idea what he was doing!!!
"SIRIUS!!! I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING!" James screamed as he had a panic attack (See? Told you!).
"Okay, you have to get off the highway! Turn into the left lane."
"Alright," whimpered James as he started easing himself into the far left lane.
"JAMES! WHAT HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN!?"
"Oh, right, indicator."
"God Jimmy, use your brain!"
"Sorry. Alright, what do I do now?"
"Now you take this exit and- TAKE THIS EXIT!"
"I'm sorry! I missed it, wait, I'll turn around."
"NO JAMES, YOU CAN'T-!"
But it was too late. James made a wide u-turn and was now driving in one of the middle lanes, the wrong way, heading straight for a truck full of gasoline. And it was in this moment that James lost it. In a moment of chaos, he screamed and turned, disapparating out of the driver's seat and into his nice, warm bed at home with Lily.
Well, his head, torso and left leg did that, his arms and right leg however remained in the car. And Sirius was now left with half of a splinched James Potter, and an oncoming truck about 30 metres away from him, and closing the gap. Leaning over, he grabbed James' arms still clinging to the steering wheel and jerked them to the right, making a full 180 degree turn and now heading in the right direction, then, moving himself into the far left lane, he took the exit, and turned off the main road, using James' leg to push down on the brake, and come to a stop.
Turning the car off, Sirius waited about 5 seconds for the hyperventilation to wear off, and when it didn't, he fainted.
END OF FLASHBACK
"Anything looks bad when you do a full flashback on it from your memory. If you had the story from MY point of view, it wouldn't be half as bad. I think it's unfair that you're being so biased."
"I wasn't being biased, James. I didn't even tell the story, the narrator told it to the readers from a completely unbiased point of view, because she doesn't believe in making one of us look better then the other," explained Sirius in his delicate, yet manly voice, pushing back his gorgeous, slightly windswept hair and looking sternly at James with his deep, penetrating grey eyes.
"Well, I'm sorry that I almost got you killed then," said James.
ALRIGHT!!! JUST STOP RIGHT NOW, THANK YOU VERY MUCH! THIS STORY IS ABOUT ME (insert picture of Remus), NOT THEM (insert picture of Sirius and James with big 'X's through their faces) SO GET ON WITH MY IRRATIONAL FEAR OF TURTLES!
Back to the main story:
"Well, I still think I should drive," said James stubbornly, crossing his arms over his chest and refusing to move an inch.
"I'll just ask Lily which one of us should drive then," smirked Sirius as he turned toward the house, counted to three and turned back to the bike to see his friend straddling the back of it with a look of fear in his eyes. "Sad," mumbled Sirius as he shook his head and climbed onto the motorbike, kicking it into life and screaming down the street to look for their long-forgotten friend.