Chapter 8

Harry apparated to the cottage he had set up. Dobby had come to work for him, he had changed the cottage and it looks really nice. Harry liked dark colours and the cottage was decorated in blues, blacks, greens, creams, silvers and gold. The living room was done in black and cream, the kitchen in blue and silver with a table, kettle, toaster, pots and pans, cutlery, fridge and every other appliance you would find in a kitchen. The place was fully equipped as was every other property he owned. He had just started watching something when Severus apparated in front of the TV.

"Move aside," was all Harry said. Severus took that as improvement wondering what he could do to make it up to his son.

"You know I really only wanted what was best for you?" said Severus softly, thinking it was a good place to start, unaware that it was a sore subject. Severus seemed to realise that he should not have brought up this subject as his son's face closed up.

"Funny way of showing it Professor," said Harry his voice so biting and full of sarcasm that it made Severus cringe, and he was the master of sarcasm.

"Harry, tell me how to make it up to you, please," said Severus, pleading with his son to give him another chance, something he really didn't want to do again. But if it meant getting his son back, then he would do it a thousand times over.

"Go back in time and tell me before I went to Hogwarts, then I will forgive you. In case you don't understand, I will never forgive you, ever. I might decide to get to know you, but I will never forgive you not now and not on your deathbed!" said Harry with a voice that could cut steel. Not even Severus could speak to his son like that, he had used scorn and Harry's parentage against him, but his voice was never as steely as Harry's.

"Well I didn't take you in, but I'm sure you had a better childhood away from me," said Severus softly, trying to get his son to understand that he had been better off without him.

"Well get lost! You didn't want me then, why would you want me now? You are right, I'm much better off without you," said Harry nearly yelling the last five words in his dad's face. Inside all he could think was yes, he was a freak; his own father didn't want him.

"Harry please," said Severus hopelessly, "let me make it up to you."

And Harry thought' you can't make it up to me, unless you got me when I was dumped there. You will never be able to make up for abandoning me at abusive relatives and then never once checking up on me. I will never forgive you for that and you will never know why I hate you till I die.'

"You will never be able to make it up to me," said Harry, no emotion showing in his eyes, but inside he had curled up and cried. He was hurting the one person he truly wished to know before he died, he wanted to get to know the man who had fathered him because he knew he was not going to survive. All he could think was 'better if I die with him hating me than loving me. I will tell him I love him when I'm dead.'

Severus had to turn his head to the side; unable to believe his own son was serious. Harry really didn't want him to make it up to him; he honestly felt that he could never make it up to him. All Severus could think right there and then was 'I wish I could turn back time and get my son. If I knew that he would want nothing to do with me now, I would have taken him. Oh, damn you Dumbledore!'

"Are you not glad to have had a cousin to play with? Had two adults in your life instead of just me, a dour potions master who would have been working more than I would be able to see you?" he asked, not wanting an answer because he didn't want to know.

Harry just gave a hallow laugh, before saying dryly, " Yes sure. Anything is better than you, right." He didn't say it like he meant it, all he wanted to do was curl up on his dad's knee and pass out.

Severus gave up, threw his hands up in the air and slumped on a surprisingly comfortable seat, closing his eyes tiredly and shaking his head. He knew his son was as stubborn as Lily and himself, and it would take a long time for him to get through his walls if he was anything like him. 'I'm proud to have him as a son, I just wish he was less stubborn' Severus mused.

He looked over and saw that his son had fallen asleep at some point. All Severus was capable of doing was watching him, his son, who wanted nothing to do with him. He just wished there was alcohol somewhere around this place, he didn't want to feel and if he drank enough he would be numb. It would numb his pain, even if it was just for a couple of hours, it was better than feeling the pain tearing in his heart.

He found what he was looking for in the corner of the room. There was wine, fire whiskey, vodka, Morgan spice and juice in the fridge as well as ice-cold butterbeer. He took the muggle drink and sipped it before deciding it tasted quite good. He put it in a goblet and added the juice before he drank it, he had drunk about six goblets before he was totally numb, just the way he liked it.

Looking down at his son, he let the tears fall. He was too drunk to feel the tears and as he brushed his son's hair from his face, he could not help but notice how soft it felt. He remembered a time when his was like that. He swore to go to the Dursleys some day and get some pictures of his son while he was growing up. Although as much as he wanted them, he didn't think he could look at Harry when he had resembled James Potter. He didn't know what possessed him to let his child be taken from him, he knew Lily would not have approved.

He had never heard Lily talk about her sister, he had not even known that Lily had a sister until Dumbledore had taken him there, telling him that he would have protection from the remaining death eaters. 'Dumbledore took the only thing left that may have brought me any happiness, and I let it go. Dumbledore could never have taken my son against my will. I could have fought for my son and would have won him. The pureblood law is that the father always gets the son. It is law dating back before Hogwarts was opened, and there would not have been a damn thing he could have done about it.'

He passed out in the living room, in the chair he had collapsed into earlier on. Tears still there, tattle telling that he had been crying and that was how Harry found him. Taking a long piece of parchment he began writing, stopping occasionally to bite the quill, writing what he felt he needed to say. He was going to give a pensive to his father, he wanted him to understand why he could never forgive him, and understand that he loved him.

After writing he read it over, making sure he hadn't left anything out. No matter how much he loved his dad and wanted to live with him, he knew there really was no point. He may not get to know his dad but his dad sure would get to know him, one way or another. He just hoped he would accept that Harry could never have forgiven him. It was not just the biting words or potion lessons, or even the occlumency lessons, though they had hurt him more than he would ever admit. It was the plain fact he had left him, abandoned him when he needed him the most. Sometimes he could remember shouting for James his dad, and his mum in the dark damp cupboard. Screamed for his nappy to be changed, to be fed or picked up but it never happened, everything had totally gone downhill. No one was ever there for him, not then and he certainly didn't need anyone now.

The letter was off to Gringotts before Severus even showed signs of stirring, to be added to his will. If he had to die, he would get the last word, and if Severus had been awake he would have laughed because that's how Severus himself thought. You would have mistaken Harry for Severus right there and then.

Severus came round to the smell of breakfast, yawning he winced at his sore head. He opened his potions kit and thanked the gods he had a headache cure with him, he groaned when he heard his son's sing-song voice float over him, but sadly he was still called Professor.

"Good morning Professor. Rise and shine!" said Harry, as he gave Severus a breakfast he knew he would like, he had asked Dobby to tell him what Severus usually ate.

Severus was surprised to see what he would normally eat sitting on the table for him; with a sigh he began eating. The headache he had was now gone thanks to the potion. Harry to his surprise ate with him, he didn't hope that Harry had given in because he knew deep down his son would never forgive him, and it was nothing more than he deserved.

"Thanks son," said Severus causing Harry to flinch like he had been struck. How many times had he wished someone would say those words to him, say they loved him and were proud of him. He couldn't remember a time when he didn't think that.