:: SHATTERED ::

I'm broken, but I'm laughing
It's the sound of falling glass
I hope that you won't mind if I should cry in public
While I wait for this to pass

'Cause, sweet darling, I'm shattered
Into fragments cold & gray
Sweep all the pieces away
Then no one will ever know how much it mattered
Something deep inside of me--
Shattered

/ Linda Ronstadt – Shattered

It didn't matter anymore.

Diana was hard pressed to find anything that did. Three weeks since the morning Rafe had walked in on her and Ares. And Diana still hadn't broken free of the cocoon of icy darkness that encased her soul. She just didn't care anymore.

She needed to talk to Rafe, but she'd been putting it off. Not because it was difficult, although it was. But because she couldn't think of what to say to make things right. Her thoughts were muddied and her heart was numb. And honestly, there was nothing she could possibly say that would make things right. She only wished there was.

At first, Diana had gone through a cycle of denial. She tried convincing herself that there was nothing to be sorry about. After all, it wasn't like Rafe could cast stones.

The conman that had 'a girlfriend in every port', so to speak. Rafe wasn't the type to kiss and tell, but Diana knew there was a volume of women in his past. Yet for all his philandering, he was faithful to very few. At least Diana had the decency to limit her indiscretion to just the God of War.

True, Rafe did hate Ares with a passion. Their mutual antagonism and jealousy was well known and Diana couldn't have struck the blow harder if she specifically targeted him -- but Rafe himself was no innocent. He had dated some of Diana's greatest rivals; women that still made Diana positively green with jealousy. Like Cyane, Queen of the Amazons? Diana knew Rafe's relationship with her had run deep. And Xena -- the Warrior Princess? How exactly was Diana supposed to compete with that? It drove her crazy, knowing that Xena and Rafe were once together and the suspicion that he might compare his two warrior women to one another in secret. Diana hated being compared with Xena under the best of circumstances. It irritated her that romantically she may be falling short of Xena's hallowed pedestal.

But the difference was that Rafe, for all his wild-oat sewn past, had never cheated on Di while they were together. He'd committed, rather surprisingly, to a monogamous relationship without drama or fuss. He seemed perfectly content to be exclusively dating Diana. He'd even asked her to marry him, a memory which Diana now savored like a fine wine. God, she'd been so young and stupid. She'd strung him along mercilessly then ditched him at the altar; quite the ego killer for a man like Rafe. It sounded calculating and heartless --at best-- when she thought back on it and it wasn't much consolation now that it hadn't been her intention to hurt him so badly. She just let things get out of control and then, scared and confused, she'd yanked back the reins without thinking of what that trauma might do to Rafe. Under the circumstances she couldn't blame him much for hating her now. It seemed no matter how hard she tried not to; she always managed to hurt him worse than if she just left things alone. She loved him desperately, but didn't deserve him. She never had.

Dear God! If only I could go back to when he loved me -- there are so many things I'd have done differently. I had so many chances and I just threw them away. I wish I knew then what I know now. I wish I'd realized that few things are worse than being alone -- even the Abyss. If I could just be with him now. . . I need him. . .

"Di?" The questioning tone made Diana realize that the speaker was patiently attempting to snag her attention, but only now gained it. Jocasta regarded her with an odd look, one that was particularly difficult to define. Like many at the Temple, she exercised the freedom Ares gave his priestesses when it came to dress code. She seldom wore the traditional priestess gown of red and white, but instead chose the raiment of her ancestors, a heavy robe topped with a jeweled red turban wound tightly around her head. Two gold hoops adorned her ears and a large gold ankh swung from her elegant neck. That, coupled with her impressive height and the huge scimitar that hung at her side, made her a formidable opponent. She didn't often look as she did now; shifting her weight from one sandaled foot to the other and her eyes never meeting Diana's directly. It gave Diana the distinct impression that her Egyptian friend was unusually nervous.

"Ares is looking for you," she said softly. Finally she did look Di straight in the eyes and it was a look that clearly said: Please don't kill the messenger. It was apparent she knew how Di would feel about the summons and by the sudden stiffening of Diana's shoulders and the dark angry look in her green eyes Jo had judged her reaction accurately.

"Then you can tell him I'm not coming," Diana replied just as softly, but there was solid steel underlying. It left no room for argument. Jocasta sighed, lowered her head and rubbed two fingers against her temples. It was clear she and Diana had had this conversation before.

"Di, please don't make this difficult. You know as well as I do that Ares is not going to accept that."

Diana turned her back to the other woman. "Well, he'll have to because I'm not going. And he cannot make me come. I'm not interested in anything he has to say."

Jo looked up, causing the rubies on her turban to glitter in the light. "Maybe he's interested in hearing what you have to say, Di. Did you ever consider that?"

"I doubt he'll like it!"

"So what's the change? Look, I don't understand what's going on between you and Ares right now --and it's none of my business so I won't ask-- but you can't go on avoiding him forever. Like it or not, you are still his priestess and you two both live in this Temple together. Sooner or later you are going to have to talk things out and clear the air. And frankly I'd just as soon it'd be now so that I don't have to keep coming and giving you these summons all the time!"

Diana turned around slowly, her brows knitting together. "If Ares wants to see me, he can come here and see me," she replied darkly. "He knows where I am."

"I don't think he will, Di. I'm not sure why it is, but he wants you to come to him. It seems to be important."

"Exactly."

With that cryptic remark, Diana rotated neatly on one foot and walked across the room, stiff movement betraying her anger. She dropped down on her bed and unraveled a scroll, deliberately taking no further notice of her guest. The air was thick with tension and Jocasta had no earthly idea why. Sighing, she tapped a sandaled foot. There was nothing she could do short of clouting Diana over the head and dragging her there bodily, but that wouldn't meet Ares' criteria. Besides, no telling what the gypsy would do in revenge. Only the very brave or the very mad put themselves in Diana's path of retaliation. The Egyptian sighed a second time, repressing a childish urge to stamp her foot instead. Damn that Diana! She was too stubborn for her own good.

"Fine," she spoke, cross and frustrated. "I'll tell Ares your message, but don't be surprised if he comes bursting in here with fire and brimstone to retrieve you. It'll serve you right if he does."

"If he does, he'll find all of Hell's fury waiting for him," Diana responded, cool in the face of Jo's anger. "You might also remind Ares that there is nothing in heaven and earth to compare with a 'woman scorned'. He'd best keep his distance!"

Jocasta's brow arched. "I'm glad I don't know what it is he did. Especially if it puts you in this deep of a funk. Gods on Olympus, you need to learn to let certain battles go Di!"

"I can't," Diana said simply. "Not this time. This time he went too far."

Jocasta straightened, tall and statuesque. A glint of anger flashed in her dark eyes. "So be it. If you won't be reasonable, then there is nothing more to discuss. I'll give Ares your message." She nodded and left just as swiftly as she spoke. Diana was relieved to see her go. She'd been avoiding Ares since the morning after -- 'the morning after' being the only way she could think of -- of it without falling apart. She wouldn't even let herself focus on that particular morning -- or the night before. The wounds were still too deep for her to contemplate it for any extended period of time.

And the one person she couldn't bear to see right now was Ares. She couldn't think of him without rage unfurling in her chest. She was afraid if she saw him she'd do something unspeakable, like mutilating him or worse -- bursting into uncontrollable tears. She hadn't spoken with him, not once, not since -- since that morning. And she had taken pains to ensure their paths would not cross at all. Ares had been unnaturally understanding about it. She wasn't sure why, but he'd given her space. And though he'd sent messengers to see her, he hadn't yet insisted she make an appearance. The rose he'd given her turned up on her dresser; magically restored, but Ares didn't come with it. He was waiting for when she was ready, while constantly reminding her that he hadn't forgotten her. Diana might feel a twinge of gratitude for his compassion if she could feel anything.

But she couldn't.

Still, Ares patience was not indefinite. Diana knew that better than anyone. His summons were becoming more and more frequent and it wouldn't be long before he stopped tolerating her defiance. Either he'd come after her or he'd ensure that she came to him and regardless which circumstance happened, the consequences wouldn't be pretty. Her time was nearly up. But she knew what she needed to do.

I have to talk to Rafe. I still have no clue what I'm gonna say to him, but by the Gods I have to try! It's time for you to stop being such a coward, Diana. Time to face up to your responsibilities and do what needs to be done!

Her resolve firmly set, Diana made quick work of her remaining chores and steeled herself to take up the gauntlet. Without passing Go or collecting 200 dinars, she bravely set out for her worst nightmare -- 'The Court of Rafe, King of Cons'.

Tourists often spoke of the Court of Rafe, even outside the boundaries of Cenchrea, and more with awe than anything. It was truly a captivating sight. How, many visitors puzzled, did such a quixotic piece of architecture as a medieval castle --not to be popular until the Middle Ages-- end up on a remote hillside outside Cenchrea? And how did it come into the possession of a penniless con artist? Those who knew the story were already familiar with how Ares abruptly vacated the former owner after he unwisely made a pact with a warlord not allied with the God of War. The warlord also met a swift and gruesome end for his troubles and the locals quickly realized that Ares was deadly serious when it came to Cenchrea, which he considered to be 'home turf'. The village hadn't been raided in over two years since and the God of War's presence was considered mainly responsible. He may wreak havoc all over the rest of Greece, but when it came to home sweet home, Ares' word was peace. When he was happy, the world was happy. When he was pissed, villages disappeared overnight and were never seen again. Cenchrea, as a whole, preferred the GOW to be happy!

Still, the violent and emphatic 'teaching of a lesson' had left a vacancy in the hillside castle, and since Ares had no need of it, Diana took custody and weeks later moved in. She lent it out to Rafe, mostly so he'd have a base of operations --Rafe'd said happily, after years of living on the road, it was nice to be out of the rain while practicing his card tricks-- but also to position him nearby so she could keep an eye on him. Not that it ever kept him out of trouble, but Di consoled herself that it was the thought that counted. Rafe and Eldon converted into some sort of ultimate bachelor pad; the archaic equivalent of a big-screen TV, beer bottles and pizza-box littered furniture. And Diana stopped by periodically to scold them, wash their underwear and ensure they were eating their vegetables. Thus the outside was far more awe-inspiring than the inside, all spires and towers and gorgeous filigree, whilst inside there were crusty plates of old food piled everywhere and a mysterious smell that no amount of Clorox could disinfect in the lavatory. All in all, the Court was an interesting place to be.

But Diana didn't come this time for the scenery. Beautiful it was, but to her looked foreboding. She half expected the castle to be encased in smoky gloom, to match her mood. But no ominous thunderstorms crackled on the horizon and the castle, in complete disregard for narrative effect, continued to shine golden in the midafternoon sun. Diana sulked all the way up the steps, fumed on the trip to the door and by the time she knocked, she'd just decided that there was no way in hell she was apologizing to Rafe, least not until he swore that she was far more beautiful --and a lot better of a kisser-- than Xena. But when she lifted her fist to knock again, the door swung open and Diana lost her nerve.

"Rafe-please-don't-slam-the-door-I-can-explain—" she began in a rush, then frowned. "Oh. Hi El. Umm -- is Rafe here?"

Twin blue sabers studied her from under a mop of fire engine red. "He is," Eldon said soberly. "But he doesn't want to see you."

Diana bit back the tears. "I know El," she replied, very softly. "Did he tell you what happened?"

Eldon's gaze was accusing. "No. Of course not. He hasn't said a word in weeks. But he was summoned --to ARES Temple-- at seven o'clock in the morning. He came back, shut himself in his room and hasn't spoken your name since. Yeah Di. I surmised the rest. It's kinda obvious what happened and I'm not an idiot."

Diana struggled not to break down. "I'm sorry El. I really am."

"Don't tell it to me. It wasn't my heart you threw on the floor and stomped all over. Tell it to Rafe! He trusted you, Diana. He even loved you!"

Loved. Past tense. The word was like a dagger through Diana's heart.

"Then get the hell out of the way Eldon, so I can tell him!"

"He doesn't want to hear it Di!"

"But he's going to," Diana said, as soft as before. She laid a hand on his arm and tried not to feel hurt as Eldon jerked away like he was burned. "El, you know me. And you know I'm not going away. Not until I've talked to him."

"It's Eldon," he replied tersely. "Not El. And take my advice for what its worth. You should just let him be. I think you've done enough already."

"I can't," Diana said, the words pulled from her throat. She recklessly ran a hand across her cheek, dashing the tears away. But they kept flowing, leaving silver streaks behind to mark the path. She ignored them and stared at Eldon defiantly. "You can't stop me. It's best if you move out of the way now because I'm coming in; with you or through you. Your choice."

Eldon looked at her for a moment, scratching the red grizzle on his chin, his face expressionless. Then he backed up a fraction and raised both hands in a conciliatory gesture. "Not my business," he replied, then his eyes narrowed. "Just don't hurt him."

The hissed warning surprised Diana and she almost stepped back, unused to such aggression from Eldon. She'd never known him to be violent, but the implied threat was unmistakable and even though she knew she could easily take him down, she wouldn't dare to try. That was the look of a momma bear protecting her cubs, the look of a mild-mannered individual shoved past the point of no return and, warrior gypsy or no, it meant certain death. Diana had seen that look before on the face of farmers after their children had been attacked. Warriors, warlords, even armies had gone down after a look like that. You didn't mess with that look. You agreed with it.

"I won't," she said gently, but with promise. The last thing she wanted was to hurt Rafe. In fact, she rather hoped Rafe would hurt her instead. She counted on it. Perhaps it would even the odds in her favor -- a little.

Eldon didn't seem convinced, but he obligingly disappeared into the dark recesses of the castle and reappeared moments later, Rafe in tow. The conman took one look at who was there to see him, turned a quelling glare on Eldon and silently walked away. Diana reached out, grabbing his arm to stop him.

"Rafe no. Wait. Please, please I have to talk to you!"

Rafe didn't say anything, but he stopped long enough to carefully disentangle Diana's fingers from his gray-sleeved arm. Then, as if reluctant to hold her hand any longer than he had to, he pressed it to her abdomen, released and strode off unencumbered. Diana winced and in desperation reached out to grab a handful of his vest.

"Oh no you don't. You are going to talk to me Rafe, whether you like it or not. Now if I have to tie you to a chair, you will hear me out, so please don't make this more difficult than it has to be."

"That's my cue to leave," Eldon muttered, disturbed by visions of Diana tying Rafe down. He disappeared into a corridor as Rafe glared at Diana and replied stiffly, "There's nothing to talk about."

"Yes there is! There is everything to talk about," Diana burst out. She pressed her palms against her burning cheeks and fought the tears welling back up in her throat. "If you said there was nothing I could say to make things right, well then yes, that's the truth. But we still need to talk about it. Rafe, I should have said this before -- then, that morning, but I'm just so, so desperately sorry."

"I can't imagine why." Rafe's voice was completely lifeless. It matched his eyes, dark and blank. "You and your boyfriend seemed blissfully happy together. Congratulations. Be sure to drop me an RSVP card for the bridal shower."

Diana couldn't help crying at that. The tears slipped free and though outwardly she struggled as hard as she could to control it, inwardly she couldn't help using a little feminine manipulation. She secretly hoped the tears would lessen Rafe's anger against her for he could never bear seeing her cry. Not that she often did in front of him, but when Jonathan died, he'd held her for hours. It made Diana cry all the more now, just remembering how wonderful it was to be near him, to lean on his strength. He hadn't stared at her the way he was now, so impassive, his look empty and soulless.

"I don't know what you want from me Diana," he continued, perfectly calm. Only the muscle clenched in his jaw and the tightness of his shoulders revealed anything was wrong. "Do you want me to say it's ok, that I understand? Do you want me to tell you it's no big deal, stuff like that happens? What kind of exonerating cliché would you like to hear? Do you want us to be 'best pals' now? I'm sorry, but I must have left my script for 'what to say after you've been stabbed in the back' in Athens or something. Cause I really don't know what you want me to say here."

"Forgive me Rafe," Diana whispered helplessly. She felt her soul crumbling to bits and she held on with all the determination that she had left. If only she wasn't so damn cold. So very cold. Could this be Tartarus she'd slipped into unawares? Whatever horrors judgment day and the afterlife held for her, they couldn't be worse than this.

Rafe shook his blond head. "It isn't a question of forgiveness. You made your choice Diana. You chose Ares. Now you have to live with it. You can't have us both."

"NO!" The words emerged violently, like a whiplash. Diana made a chopping motion in midair and leapt on her toes. She rocked back and forth madly, like a battlement about to fall. "It's not like that Rafe. Ares is a monster, you know that. I'm so sorry he hurt you -- he never should have done that to you or made you see that. I know it was an unspeakable shock to you and he will live to regret that day, I swear to it!"

Rafe whirled on her, some life finally sparked in his eyes. Diana didn't know whether to take that as a good sign or a bad one.

"Ok. Why don't you elucidate, because it seems I missed something. If it wasn't like that, Diana, then why did you sleep with him? Correct me if I'm wrong, but what I saw seemed very like that."

Diana swallowed. He was so right of course. How could she possibly hope to explain to him what she herself didn't understand?

"Don't you think you're being the teeniest bit hypocritical?" she whispered, less of an accusation as a way to divert attention from herself. Rafe's eyes iced over and he laughed shortly.

"Oh yes, I was wondering when that would come up. 'Cause let's not forget that I was the one with the past and you were the chaste ingénue who was far too good for me," he mocked. "What kind of egotistical male pig am I, to have spread my seed far and wide, then turn right around and condemn you for the obvious double standard? Now all your female friends will talk about what a conceited bastard I am and make up drinking songs about me that involve humorous misuses of my name. Thank the Gods you escaped me, the big jerk that I am. And yet -- yet there is one cardinal difference between my affairs and yours, Diana. I never did it—" he enunciated the word very slowly, drawing it out to capture Diana's full attention, "—not once. Not while I loved you. I never even thought it."

Loved. There was that word again. Past tense. It was amazing that Diana had stood knee deep in raw carnage with flinching, gutted men from their necks to entrails without flagging and breathed the stench of death without retching -- but one little word could cleave her entire being in two.

"Do you love him Diana," Rafe's words were barely audible. But Diana heard them. She looked straight into the blue eyes that stole her heart forever and couldn't only think of one thing.

Do you care?

"That's what I thought," Rafe spoke quietly into the prolonged silence. He smiled for half a heartbeat, causing Diana to flood with sudden hope and took her hand, raising it to his lips. "Funny thing that. To be so good at creating cons and so laminable at spotting the wool pulled over your own eyes. Is it ironic, or just sad?" He laughed bitterly. "I can't say the best man won, but I can say that you were very, very good Diana. You are definitely the Queen of Cons my dear and I was taken in, hook, line and sinker. To a true professional, cheers." He bowed elegantly and kissed her palm. To Diana, it felt like the worst kiss goodbye she'd ever experienced.

"Call me a poor host, but I have work to do. I'm sure you can find the way out. You'll understand of course if I don't see you to the door." Rafe's words were even, cordial, but his face was anything but. He nodded formally and with a deft motion, he released her hand and turned away. Diana's eyes followed his tall form out the door and down the hall until she lost sight of him in the darkness. It was then that she found her voice again, but it was too late to cry out. Far too late -- for her. For anything.

Briefly she reflected that she got her wish. Rafe had definitely hurt her. But somehow it wasn't consoling in the least. Instead, she felt worse than ever.

"Wait. Please wait," she croaked to an empty room, but only the stillness heard her. And it was that same stillness of death that followed her out the gates of the castle and all the way back home alone.

When she reached her room back at the temple, Ares was there, perched at the end of her bed, turning the crystal rose over in his hands. He looked up as she walked in, his brow furrowing curiously. The rose disappeared, reappearing back on her dressing table. Diana laughed, only because she couldn't afford to cry.

"So you did come to me after all," she murmured, staring at him. Ares only looked back at her, his expression solemn. Diana continued after a moment's silence. "I suppose once I would've found that flattering. Now I could care less. In case you didn't get the memo, I'm not interested in talking to you Ares."

Ares heaved a world weary sigh. "Ah. Back to square one, are we? Really Diana, I'd hoped you'd be ready to handle this. I expected you to be mature about this situation."

"Mature!" Diana practically choked on the word. "You've got a hell of a lot of nerve talking about maturity!"

"Maybe," Ares conceded quietly. "But I have given you plenty of time to soothe your ruffled feathers and get over your maidenly airs. You were a virgin Diana and I'll grant that this all came sudden and was very new to you. But you need to handle it like an adult. You are not a child any longer, my dear."

"You think this is about my virginity?" Diana shrieked. Ares puzzled frown conveyed the clear impression that he had, so she rushed to enlighten him. "Ares I don't know what grand delusion you are operating under, but this is not about virginity or sex. This is about what you did to me – what you did to RAFE! You deliberately hurt him, you soulless, heartless, bloody bastard!"

"Ah yes. The conman," Ares said, his eyes glowing with a dangerous light. He tilted his head back laconically. Arms folded across his massive chest, he regarded her with pseudo calm. He seemed to be disguising his real emotions from her. "I thought we already discussed that."

"Discussed it?" Diana could barely control her rage. "Discussed it? You call what you did to him discussing it?"

Ares sighed. When he spoke, he sounded bored. "No, I call me reminding you that your relationship with him is over 'discussing it'. He's old news Diana. He's in your past now. And I am your future. I told you that. He understood that. Where were you?"

"I was trying to wrap my mind around the fact that even you could be that heartless, Ares! I mean -- you've pulled some stunts before, but this was a new low. Even for you."

Ares sighed again. "Diana, my sweet one," he began, standing and crossing behind her. He placed his hands on her shoulders and leaned close, whispering confidentially into her ear. "I realize you still have a soft spot for this -- conman," he said the last like the word tasted bad in his mouth, "but I don't think you've realized the full potential of what I can do for you. What we can do -- together."

"I'm not interested in an alliance with you."

"Yes you are," Ares murmured, drifting a slow finger down the base of her spine. He reached up and wrapped his hand in her thick sheaf of raven hair, lifting it up, leaving her neck exposed for his soft kisses. "I can always tell when you are lying." A light kiss fell, followed by another. "You cannot resist me gypsy, any more than I can resist you." More kisses, each sweeter than the last. "And now that we've 'sealed the deal'if you will, there is no harm in us being very, very close. You know I want you Diana. So stop denying both of us the pleasure that we both want from each other."

"You think I would actually consider sleeping with you again after what you did?" Diana asked incredulously. She ignored what Ares was up to, though he made it quite difficult to concentrate on her anger. "And I used to think you intelligent!"

Ares rolled his eyes, though the effect was lost on her because she couldn't see it. "Come now Diana. Withholding sex as a punishment over a minor offense is petty and childish. It's not like you. You are much too smart and much too creative to play games like that with me." He chuckled warmly and rubbed her arms up and down with his hands, causing tingling friction at the point of contact. "What do you say we get you out of these clothes and continue this discussion in my bed, over a glass of red wine—," he hesitated, misreading her tension for alcohol aberration. "Oh yes -- I forgot. Fine, no wine. How about a box of chocolates then?"

Diana yanked away from his hold and swung around to face him. "If you don't get out of my room this instant, I am going to do something violent," she hissed. Poking a finger into his chest, she pushed with enough force to move him back a step, then retreated herself to place distance between them. Ares stared at her thoughtfully.

"You seem angry," he said mildly. Diana glared a death ray through his skull.

"You have no idea just how angry I am," she hissed, low and threatening. Ares sighed a third time.

"I do, my pet. I know you. In the basic sense and the general sense. More than anyone. More than the conman." He smirked. "And I know what you are thinking, that you've been cheated out of some -- some juvenile crush. An antiqued notion of love. Diana, true love isn't about hormones or sugary sentiment -- it's about power. It's about conquest. And you and I are the perfect match. You don't need some mortal interfering in your destiny. You deserve better, a god. Which I am."

"Ares, are you leaving or am I throwing you out bodily?"

"Diana, don't do this. You need me. Just as I need you."

Once those words would've caused a fluttering in Diana's stomach. Now they just made her nauseous. "Get out," she repeated coldly, unequivocally. Ares pressed his lips together in a firm line, arms folded across his chest. Dimples appeared and withdrew accordingly.

"Fine. I'll go," he said quietly. "But only for now. It's obvious you are not yet ready to deal with this. But mark my words Diana. I am not finished with you. And my patience is wearing thin. Don't make me wait too long before you come back to me, where you belong."