Disclaimer: Grey's Anatomy is not mine, unfortunately.
A/N: Still procrastinating…and, about this chapter, I was kind of left in a state of shock after writing it. I wrote the end part a few months ago, and I was so happy that I could finally use it! Don't worry, though; things will be getting better soon in addek land, lol. Oh, I have one question…would "Meredith" made short be "Mer" or "Mere"?
I Hate You For Loving Me
"Derek!" Meredith exclaimed, as she walked into the on call room, surprised to see him lying on the bed and staring at the ceiling. "I didn't know you were on call tonight…"
"I'm not," Derek replied shortly and without looking at her.
Meredith locked the door to the on call room, walked to the bed, and lay down next to Derek. "Are you okay?" she questioned, worried. Things between her and Derek had been going so well; for the first time since she learned that he was married to Addison, she was truly happy.
"I'm fine," he said, his voice emotionless.
Meredith turned onto her side so that she could look at Derek, unable to not notice how bloodshot and tired his eyes looked. "Derek, if something is bothering you, you can tell me," she offered. "I might be dark and twisty Meredith, but I'm a good listener." Derek attempted to smile, before he too turned on his side so that he could look at Meredith. She was beautiful, sweet, kind, caring, and loyal. She would never cheat on him with his best friend. There was worry in her eyes as she looked him, and it almost hurt Derek physically to see that she was worried for him.
"I'm sorry, Mer, I just need to think," he apologized, leaning closer to her and kissing her. She snuggled closer, and Derek put his arm around her protectively. Both exhausted, they lay there together. After not much time, Meredith had drifted off to sleep, leaving Derek awake to think some more. As he hugged the sleeping Meredith, Derek couldn't help but think how good she felt to him in his arms. When he was with her, there were no questions, and, even when they fought, everything seemed peaceful. If everything was so perfect, Derek reasoned to himself, why did this feel like the calm in the middle of a storm?
For a while everything had been almost deliriously simple for him—his wife cheated on him with his best friend, and he ran away to Seattle, where he fell in love with an intern, Meredith. Addison came and somehow managed to persuade him to go back to her, despite the fact he loved Meredith. He and Meredith had sex at Prom, and then he filed for divorce. Addison had acted like Satan, and therefore made him experience few regrets about divorcing her. They were all extremes, yet they had all been extremely simple decisions to make.
Somewhere along that line, something had changed. In New York, Derek had seen how upset Addison was about the divorce, despite the fact that she had covered it well; what hurt Derek more than the fact that Addison was upset was the fact that he had failed to fully notice. Then Addison had, almost overnight, become the person he had originally fallen in love with, just when he was happiest with Meredith.
It wasn't fair. He felt comfortable with Meredith, and the even thought he loved her, but he couldn't get Addison out of his head. She had hurt him so many times, done unforgivable things, and yet he felt this strong urge to go to her and apologize. He felt some weird emotion for Addison still, and he couldn't figure out what it was. It seemed familiar, yet so strange.
Derek closed his eyes tight and tried to fall asleep, reasoning that if he fell asleep, then his troubles would all go away, as if by magic. He knew better, knew that real troubles don't go away that easily, but hoped that, if he tried hard enough, just this once they would. Even though he tried, sleep wouldn't come for him, so he instead lay there staring at the ceiling, concentrating his attention on Meredith's warm, sleeping body.
Suddenly it hit Derek what that emotion was, hit him like a train, or a car, or some other large object. At first he couldn't believe it, as if he was in shock, but then he found himself breathing too hard and struggling not to cry. The emotion was love, and Derek knew exactly what he had to do, though he feared it would hurt everybody involved.
He climbed over Meredith, and she stirred. "Where are you going?" she asked groggily.
"I have to do something," he told her, and kissed her on the forehead before he left the on call room. "Bye, Mer," he whispered, aware that she was already back asleep. His eyes filled with tears, but he couldn't cry. As if possessed, Derek walked around the hospital, looking for somebody who would be able to tell him where Addison now lived.
After a few minutes he found Bailey. "Bailey, can I ask you a favor?" he said.
"What type of favor?" Bailey asked skeptically. With McDreamy, normally the favors he asked somehow involved her interns or her friends, and almost always lead to some sort of distress.
"Can you tell me where Addison lives?" Derek hated to find himself pleading, especially with Bailey, since he wasn't sure if Bailey respected, or even liked, him.
Bailey looked at Derek as if he was crazy. "MrDreamy, do you really think I'm going to tell you that?" she demanded, and he flushed. "Don't you think you've caused enough trouble?"
"I made a mistake, Miranda, or at least I think I did, and I need to figure out if I can fix it." Bailey's outside did not appear sympathetic, however if Derek knew her better, he would have realized that she empathized with him, agreed with him, even. Part of her wanted to tell Derek where Addison lived, and then go and make him apologize. She knew it would throw Meredith into another bout of depression, but, honestly, Addison was her friend, and Bailey wanted to help her. The rational part of Bailey knew that, if she were to tell Derek where Addison lived, she would only be causing Addison more pain.
"Well, that is information I'm not willing to tell you," Bailey said slowly, as if reprimanding an infant, before she walked away. She wasn't in any mood to deal with McDreamy when he was in this sort of mood.
Derek sighed when she walked away, and he went off to harass first the Chief, then the nurses, all of whom refused to tell him where Addison lived. The Chief refused to get involved, which Derek could respect, and warned Derek not to do it, to let Addison mend on her own, and to not hurt anybody any more than he already had (a point which angered Derek, because he recognized its truth). The nurses refused to tell him because they insisted that they were not properly appreciated, respected, or treated by most of the surgeons, and, besides, he didn't have anything to tell them in exchange.
Finally, he did the last thing he could think of—he asked Burke. Unaware of Derek's intentions, Burke told Derek where Addison now lived. Derek thanked him profusely, got in his car, and drove to the address he had been given.
A knock on the door caused Addison to look up from her book. Wondering who could be at the door at such a late hour, she put her book down and opened the door. The second she saw it was Derek, she started to close it, but he wouldn't let her. "Addison, give me a chance," he said. "Please, Addison, I have something important to say."
"Fine, Derek, since we're both managed to remain civil for a remarkably long time. Do you think we've managed to break some record…most civil divorced couple, perhaps?" Addison let Derek in, and closed the door. Glancing around her front hall, Addison smiled wryly. "It's a pretty nice house, don't you think?" Addison asked, as they walked into the living room. "Not completely furnished yet but, nevertheless, not bad at all."
"Most civil divorced couple, Addison? Seriously?" Derek sat down on the couch, and Addison sat down next to him. "Addie, I had to tell you…" Derek trailed off, and they sat there in silence for a moment.
"Tell me what?" Addison questioned softly.
"Addie, I think I love you."
Addison looked at Derek, and then put her face in her hands. She was furious, and couldn't believe that Derek would do this to her. Despite everything, including divorce, Addison had thought that he cared for her more than to say that to her, not now, not after all he had done to her. Yet, even though she was mad, a very small part of her, the irrational part of her, was glad to hear that simple statement. "Derek, not now, I don't need this right now." A tear fell down Addison's face, and she quickly wiped it away. "I really don't need this right now. I was happy, Derek; I am happy! I bought a house, and I've gone on a few dates! Please, please just go away now, and never mention this to me again. You don't mean it, and I don't know what the hell possessed you to say it."
"I mean it," Derek insisted.
"If you loved me, you would have tried harder at our marriage. Rather, you would have tried at all to make our marriage work. I'm not blaming you for New York, because that was at least as much my fault as yours, I'm blaming you for…screw this; I'm not blaming you for anything. I just can't deal with this right now, and I'd really appreciate it if you'd understand that and leave right now."
"Addison, I was an idiot not to try harder to make our marriage work out. I didn't really want to make it work—I was mad at you, I was jealous, I was hurt. And then there was Meredith, which complicated things. Addison, I made a huge mistake in not trying harder and, if you're willing, I'd like to try again. I'm not over you. I love you, Addie," Derek said, his voice emotional. He shifted on the couch, touched Addison's knee, and smiled at her.
Addison looked at Derek, tears in her eyes. "I love you, Derek," Addison said, "I love you so much, so goddamn much…" her voice trailed off, but then she continued, her voice stronger. "Derek, you belong with Meredith. You love her, and she loves you. Derek, we spent years of our life together. We share family, and friends, and experiences. You were wrong not to try harder, and, Derek, I love you, but I realize that it's time to move on. And, honestly, Derek, this is no longer about what you did wrong, or what I did wrong. This is about protecting myself—I can't keep on getting hurt by you."
Derek reached out and grabbed her hand. "Addie…" he began, but she pulled her hand away from his quickly.
"No, Derek," Addison said softly, "You're dating Meredith now. Just…just don't hurt her, okay?"
Derek looked at her and tilted his head, clearly confused. "But you hate Meredith!" he exclaimed.
"No…no, I don't," Addison said, her voice escalating. "And if you'd paid any attention, then you would know that. I can forgive her—when she first met you, she didn't know that you were married. Only you knew that, and of course you didn't feel that she needed to know that. And then when I showed up, I knew you were in love with Meredith. I should have been the bigger person, I should have just stepped aside, but I wasn't, and as a result you left her to satisfy some need you felt to be a good person. And it hurt her to see you and me together. I've been hurt by you enough, Derek. It's over between us, but it isn't between you and Meredith, and I'm not about to watch you hurt her again."
Derek looked at Addison in astonishment. "I didn't know you felt that way," he murmured, and looked down at the floor.
"You never tried to understand, Derek. You never tried." Addison looked at Derek, who was still staring dumbfounded at the floor, and, without another word, got up and walked out of the room. She had a job to go to, a life to continue. It wasn't until she had reached the bathroom that she realized she was crying. Addison turned on the sink, and cried as softly as she could as she watched the water run down the drain, feeling helpless and hurt. Perhaps because the water was running, she was unaware when Derek walked into the room until he reached over her shoulder and turned the sink off.
Derek pulled Addison around to face him. "It'll all be okay," he said softly.
"I know," Addison sobbed, "But it hurts, and I really don't want you to be here right now, so if you could please go…" Derek put his hand on Addison's shoulder, and hesitantly hugged her. Though she knew it was not in her better interest, Addison hugged him back, as if hanging on for her life. The problem with Derek, Addison realized, wasn't just that she loved him; it was also that he was her best friend.
After a few minutes Addison was calm enough to realize what she was doing, and she pulled away from Derek. Addison looked at Derek, and for the first time in months realized how torn he looked. His jacket and shirt looked wrinkled, and hair looked as if it needed to be combed, and Derek looked as if he hadn't shaved in a few days. Worst of all, Addison thought, was the haunted look in his eyes, and the fact that they were bloodshot, as if he had been crying a lot, and hadn't gotten enough sleep. "Derek, I know now isn't a good time to pry, and are you okay?"
"I look about as good as you do," Derek said, and they both laughed a little, both sensing the truth in the statement. After a moment of silence, Derek looked at Addison. "Addison, I know you want nothing to do with me right now, and I understand that, but I can't continue to go on with you hating me like this. You're my best friend, and I need you there for me. Please, Addie," Derek pleaded, tears once again coming to his eyes.
"I…I just don't know, Derek," Addison whispered, starting to cry again. "Part of me wants to say yes, and the other part of me isn't so sure if it is a good idea. I just don't know, Derek, and I hate not knowing."
"I know," he said softly.
"I need some time to think about it," Addison replied, and looked down at the floor. She was painfully aware that she was still crying, that Meredith always acted more mature than she was acting now, that she was being pathetic.
"I know." Derek looked at Addison, turned around, and walked away. Addison stayed where she was until she heard the door shut, and then burst into fresh tears. She didn't know what to do, she still loved her ex-husband, and she was trying to make a life for herself in Seattle. For a moment, Addison allowed herself to be carried away in her pain, but after a moment she closed her eyes tightly, opened them, and wiped her tears off her face. She wished that she was still in denial—denial was so much less painful—but knew that, if she had the option, she would not really take it. Denial might be less painful, but it didn't allow you to move forward with your life in a meaningful way. Though she wished her pain would go away, pretending that it didn't exist wouldn't do any good in the end. In the end, Addison knew what she had to do was to expose her wound, let it heal, and then keep her scar as a reminder. She knew that the only thing worse than exposing the wound was to ignore it, to pretend that it didn't exist.