Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy.
A/N: Not terribly surprisingly, I am a competitive person. Not competitive in the way my mother wishes, but nonetheless competitive. When writing a fic, you come into contact with all sorts of stupid questions…why do only half of the people continue past chapter one? Do people like my story? Why do others have so many more reviews than I have? I'm not complaining, because I have over 5,200 hits, quite a few reviews, and some very loyal reviewers (thank you!), and, in fact, I've been really lucky to have such a great audience. However, it would still make me extremely happy if more people would review. Oh, and one quick note about this fic…there are some little plot lines that I really want to explore that the TV show explores, only, well, the time line is going to be slightly different on mine, because otherwise none of what I previously wrote works. Also, about this chapter—I know it is a bit Izzie-centric and a bit transitional, but there is a reason that I did it this way. There are two conversations that I really want to happen that make absolutely no sense without this chapter.
Distractions, Distractions
"Are you okay?" a voice asked, causing Addison to jump. She was sitting on the couch, huddled in a blanket, her knees pulled up to her chest, and her head in her hands. Her book lay on the floor, forgotten, from where she had put it the night before. "I heard some noises last night and…yeah. Are you okay?"
"You don't want to get mixed up in my problems," Addison informed Callie, her voice dry and emotionless. "You've only lived here for, what, three days?"
"Four."
"Well, you don't want to get involved with my problems, not now, not ever. You have problems of your own, and you don't need mine as well." Addison pulled her face up from her arms to look at Callie. Her eyes were bloodshot, but there were no tears left in the, and, aside from the overall look of sadness, Addison physically looked the same.
"Yeah, well I think your problems are a bit bigger than mine now," Callie said dryly, before deciding to not press the subject. "Hey, do you have work today?"
"No work," Addison replied, before it suddenly hit her. "How much did you hear?" she demanded, as she made space on the couch for Callie. This was why she didn't have roommates, Addison thought. Roommates get involved in things that you don't want them to get involved in, they hear things you don't want them to hear, and then they act all concerned when all you want is some peace and quiet. When Callie shrugged, Addison asked again. "How much did you hear?"
Callie sat down on the couch, and shifted uncomfortably. "Most of it, I think," she admitted. "I wasn't eavesdropping, exactly, it's just that you two were kind of loud, and you could kind of hear it from upstairs."
Addison sighed loudly. "And you didn't try not to hear it, did you?" she asked, annoyed. She hoped that her annoyance would cover some of her other emotions. Addison did not want anybody to know how messed up she really was, and she had always been like that. Even in medical school, when she had gotten mono, Addison told people that she had just had a fever that she couldn't shake and had gone back to class the second she was not contagious. Addison could even recall times in high school where she had claimed to have "skipped school" or "convinced her parents that she was sick when she wasn't," when in actuality she had been sick, or otherwise unable to attend. She simply did not want anybody to know that she wasn't always okay, wasn't always on top of things. And, what's more, she was terrified of being pitied.
"If it makes you feel any better, the second I realized what you were talking about, I wished I hadn't heard anything, and I started listening to my I-Pod," Callie offered.
It didn't help Addison much. "Great. Just great," she muttered. Callie, though normally quite talkative, sat with Addison in silence.
Finally Callie got up from the couch. "I have work today, and I need to finish getting ready," she told Addison regretfully. "You'll be okay?" Addison nodded, and Callie left to get something for breakfast before she left for the hospital. As she walked past the living room on her way to the door, she heard a cry of from Addison.
"Wait! I'm going to work…can you drive me? I'll be ready really soon." Though the last thing Callie wanted was to be was late, she agreed since Addison was her friend, and since Addison was clearly going through a hard period of time. Once Addison was ready, Callie did, however, have to ask why she was going to work today when she had the day off.
"I don't," was the response, "Have the day off, I mean. I was going to call in sick, but the thought of hanging around and moping wasn't terribly appealing, so I'm going. Just…don't tell people what you heard, okay?" Addison begged.
"I don't talk about my friends behind their back," Callie informed Addison seriously.
Addison smiled sadly. "Yeah, I know," she said.
Callie started the car, and they drove in silence. "You know, I'm here for you," Callie said eventually, unsure of what else to say. Addison looked at Callie, confused. "When you want to talk, when you're ready, I'm here for you," Callie clarified, as she received a half-hearted attempt at a smile from Addison, and a few muttered words of thanks.
Once they reached the hospital, Callie and Addison went their separate ways. As she always did in the mornings, Addison went to check on the NICU, where, half to her annoyance, her patients were still doing well. Annoyed that, as of this moment, all she was doing was one C-section much later in the day, Addison went to find Bailey, which didn't take her long. Addison walked up to Bailey, and leaned against the wall that Miranda was standing next to. "Hey," Addison greeted Miranda.
Miranda looked at her as if to ask why she was bothering her right now. "All of my patients are healthy!" Addison exclaimed. "I know, it's terribly selfish, but it's been a really quiet week for me, and I need a surgery now."
Bailey raised her eyebrows and regarded Addison quizzically. "Normally you're supposed to be happy when your patients are doing well…"
"Yeah, well, I need a distraction, and one that isn't just another C-section. Don't get me wrong, they're great and all, but I need something really difficult and time consuming to do right now." Addison closed her eyes, and breathed deeply.
"Addison, what did your ex-husband do?" Bailey demanded. Though her voice was stern, Bailey was worried. She knew it would be bad if Derek had figured out Addison's address and, from the way Addison was acting, she figured that Derek had figured it out.
"Nothing. I'm fine," Addison responded too quickly for her to actually be fine. "Can I assist you with one of your surgeries? Any one, I don't care which. I know it isn't my specialty, but I'm at least as good as an intern, and I really, really need something to do."
"I won't let anybody as distracted as you are, even if they are an attending, into any of my surgeries," Bailey informed her.
Addison hated to play this card, but she was desperate. "Miranda, I outrank you!"
Bailey sighed and looked at Addison. "And if I thought it would do you any good to ignore your problems and assist me with a surgery, I'd let you. But, leaving aside the fact that your specialties are not the type of surgeries I'm doing today, you're distracted, and not fit to be doing surgery today." She hated to see her friend like this—Addison was normally collected to the extent that it was occasionally painful to be around her. Desperate, distracted, tearful Addison was a sight that Miranda had not seen since Addison's trip to New York, and had hoped to never have to see again.
"Fine!" Addison exclaimed angrily, and, aware that she was being moody and unprofessional, turned around and walked away, muttering under her breath. Though she had bigger problems, at the moment all Addison wanted was to scrub in on a surgery before the evening. Derek would let her in on a surgery, but she wasn't going anywhere near him; she didn't want to impose on Preston, and she didn't want Callie to see her begging for a distraction.
Desperate, she went to Richard's office. For the first time that day, Addison had luck on her side, and Richard was not in a meeting. Entering his office, Addison noted that there was still a pillow, the type taken from a bed, on the couch, as well as a blanket, expertly folded, on the other side of the couch.
"Addison," Richard acknowledged her, "How can I help you?"
"I need a surgery," Addison admitted sheepishly, as she absently picked up a picture on Richard's desk and examined it.
Richard looked her over, one of the few people in the hospital able to make out the circles below her eyes that were, expertly, covered by makeup. "Addie," he said, his voice kind but concerned, "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm good, I just need a surgery." Addison frowned, hoping that it wasn't as obvious to everybody as it was to Richard, Miranda and Callie how tired and upset she was. "Please, Richard, I really need this, and I don't have any surgeries scheduled until late this afternoon, and even that is routine."
"Addie, is there anything you want to talk about?" he asked. Addison was the closest he had to a daughter, and he cared for her. He had known her since she was an intern, and somehow their friendship had evolved into something more than that of a student and teacher.
"Seriously, I'm good…I just really need a surgery." Addison pushed a stray strand of hair behind her ear, and looked at the Chief pleadingly.
The Chief put his hand on Addison's. "Is a surgery really going to help you? Or is it just going to act as a distraction from what is really the matter?" he questioned. "You look like you could use some sleep…" he began, but Addison cut him off with a pointed glance at the pillow and blanket on the couch.
"Have you talked to Adele recently?" Addison asked. When Richard shook his head, she continued. "Are your surgeries today just going to act as a distraction from your personal problems?" Richard looked down at his desk and took his hand off Addison's, his eyes expressing his sadness, though the rest of his face did not. Realizing suddenly what she had said, Addison gasped. "I'm sorry…I really shouldn't have said that…I'm really sorry. I don't know what I was thinking," she rambled.
With a loud sigh, similar to that of a father who had just lost an argument, Richard spoke. "You can scrub in to my ten o'clock surgery," he said, defeated, without looking up from his desk.
"Thank you," Addison exclaimed, immensely relieved, though simultaneously embarrassed that she had spoken to Richard like that. "Just…thank you." She turned to leave the office, only pausing quickly to look back at Richard, who was still staring at his desk in much the same way that Addison had stared at the full glass of beer over a month ago.
Addison went to find Bailey, who she figured would still be doing rounds with her interns. She had just arrived on the surgical floor, when she practically ran into Izzie, who was walking backwards while talking to Karev. "Ah, Stevens, I was just looking for you," Addison said, as Izzie spun around to face Addison.
"Why?" Izzie asked, confused.
"I'm going to be scrubbing into Richard's surgery, since today is, once again, extremely quiet." Izzie made a face at the mention of another quiet day, one which Addison fully agreed with. "If you want to scrub into somebody else's surgery, you're free to. Right Miranda?" she asked Bailey, who was standing right next to Izzie, a look of displeasure on her face at the mention of Addison scrubbing into another surgery.
"Addison, I am not condoning your behavior," Bailey said angrily. "If you want to act all irresponsible and distracted, that's your own issue, but it isn't my problem. Since your intern, Dr. Stevens, cannot assist me in any surgery because she refuses to deposit a check for 8.7 million dollars, I have no use for her."
Bailey walked away before either Addison or Izzie could protest. Addison and Izzie stood in silence for a moment, both staring at where Bailey had been. "I'm sure I can find you another surgery to scrub in on, or you can scrub into the Chief's surgery with me at ten," Addison offered eventually.
"I'm sorry, Addison, do you think I could take the rest of the day off? I'll be back in time for your C-section, I think."
Addison looked at Izzie, stunned. Izzie never asked for anything like this, in part because she was on probation, in part because she wanted to prove to the world that she was at least as good as all of the other interns, and, in part, because, like many other surgeons, she wanted more experience. What stunned Addison the most, however, was that Izzie had called her by her first name. Though they had spent so much time together recently, Izzie had always called her 'Dr. Montgomery' and Addison had always called Izzie either 'Dr. Stevens' or 'Stevens.' They were both aware that they could call each other by their first names if they wanted to, but they had never actually done it.
"Uh, yeah, I guess, though officially you have to ask the Chief for permission," Addison said after a moment of shocked silence.
"The Chief?" Izzie asked fearfully. Though Izzie had no reason to be afraid of the Chief, she didn't want anybody to know what she planned to do until she had proven that she could do it successfully. Izzie closed her eyes for a moment, as if contemplating what to do, before she spoke again. "I have to do this now, or I won't be able to do it later, and I can't take it up with the Chief because I'm not sure if I'll be able to do it."
Though unsure about what Izzie was talking about, Addison knew that Izzie wouldn't be asking for this unless she really needed it. "All right…" Addison hesitated over what to call Dr. Stevens, but eventually settled on, "Izzie." Hoping that she had made the correct decision, Addison continued, "I'll cover for you, but hurry."
"Thank you!" Izzie whispered, on the verge of hugging Addison. Quickly, before she could talk herself out of doing what she knew was correct, Izzie turned around and walked quickly to the elevator. Wondering what this was all about, Addison shrugged. Aware that she didn't have much time before Richard's surgery, Addison went to change into her scrubs.
The morning passed quickly; the surgery was successful, and proved to be a great distraction. After the successful surgery, Addison went and had a late lunch, and then filled out some paperwork. Once the paperwork was done, she went to watch Mark's surgery. Unfortunately, the first thing Addison saw upon entering the gallery was Meredith and Derek kissing. Addison fled before they even saw her, her pulse racing. On the verge of tears, Addison half ran to the nearest place with nobody in it she could find—the supply closet.
Addison opened the door to the supply closet, stepped in, and closed the door, three actions which were (remarkably) preformed with her eyes closed. Tears silently streaming down her face, it wasn't until she opened her eyes that she saw she was not alone. "Crap," she exclaimed vehemently, as she saw through teary eyes Izzie. Izzie was in about the same state that she was in, if not worse.
For a second Addison considered opening the door and leaving, but she couldn't leave the room in this condition. Besides, it would make things even more awkward between her and her intern. Instead, Addison slid down the door until she was sitting across from Izzie. Both tried desperately to calm themselves in the presence of the other, and both were not very successful. Addison once again wiped her face of tears, as did Izzie. "You okay?" she croaked.
"No," was the response, "You?"
"No, but I will be," Addison said, stifling a sob, and once again wiping her eyes.
"Me too," Izzie replied. They sat there in silence for a moment until both were calm. Once they had both stopped crying and were frantically trying to make themselves look presentable again, Izzie spoke. "I deposited the check," she said, her voice deadpan.
Addison looked up, intrigued, but decided to not ask any questions. Honestly, she was relieved that Izzie had done it—it made her nervous just to think about an 8.7 million dollar check on somebody's refrigerator. Instead Addison offered her own story. "Derek told me he loved me." Now it was Izzie's turn to look up. When Izzie gave her a confused look, Addison explained. "He came to my house last night, and he told me he still loved me. I told him to stay with Meredith, and that we were over for good. Then today I see him and Meredith, and I…I don't know what happened, I just lost it."
Unsure of what to say, Izzie gave Addison a sympathetic look. Embarrassed, both looked away—this type of thing didn't happen to Addison Montgomery. Addison could only think that her life couldn't get any worse—she was divorced, alone, a teary mess, and now an intern knew she wasn't okay. Though Addison knew she was in a very uncomfortable position, she couldn't help but be somewhat comforted by Izzie's presence…it was probably the same reason patients felt comfortable around her, Addison mused. "I don't do this often," Addison said as she stood up.
"Me neither," Izzie responded, and stood up. "This didn't happen."
"Good," Addison replied. With a slight flourish, Addison opened the door to the supply closet, and both women walked out. A nurse turned around when she heard the door opened, and stared at Addison and Izzie with wide eyes, her mouth slightly open in astonishment. Quickly she turned in the opposite direction, probably to tell her friends, Addison thought.
"I can only think what they are going to make of this," Izzie laughed. "They probably won't get the truth, that we're both messed up, which is good. Instead you'll probably end up as my secret lover, or something." Addison laughed bitterly at Izzie's statement, overly aware of how true this statement was. At the hospital, reason seemed to fall away when there was a chance of pairing two people up together.
"Ugh," Addison said, groaning at the rumors she knew were spreading like wildfire right this moment. "Go prep Susan Patterson for surgery, and I'll meet you in the OR."
Izzie nodded and turned around, but Addison remembered something. "Did you remember to get your psychiatrist to clear you for surgery?" Addison asked, causing Izzie to spin around. Izzie shook her head, and Addison changed her plans. "I'll prep Mrs. Patterson for surgery, you go find your psychiatrist, wherever he is, and make them clear you. Then go find Richard and give him the note, and get him to write me something saying that you actually were cleared." Izzie nodded, and Addison went to prep Mrs. Patterson.
Right before she entered the scrub room, Izzie caught up with Addison and presented her with an official note from the Chief saying that she was emotionally ready for surgery, or something. Addison nodded, and began to scrub down. Once she entered the OR and put on her gloves, she glanced at Stevens, who remained in her normal place towards the back of the room.
"Stevens, how many C-sections have you watched me perform?" Addison questioned.
"I don't know…thirty?" Izzie responded, confused, and Addison snorted.
"Thirty? Seriously? Try at least fifty…not to mention those you saw me perform before your probation. Do you think that you are ready to perform this surgery alone?" Okay, Addison knew she was being a bit drastic, but she was fed up with the way everybody treated Dr. Stevens. When Addison had messed up, people had been supportive of her every step of the way. When Izzie messed up, people initially pitied her, and then begged her to rejoin as a surgical intern—Addison understood and supported these actions. What infuriated her was that, once Stevens had been readmitted as a surgical intern, nobody had let her do anything. Literally nothing. Addison was having one of those days where everything seemed to happen in extremes—why not to Izzie as well?
"I…I can't," Izzie said, remarkably composed. "I just got permission to assist in surgery again, and I haven't done anything but the occasional suture for months now."
"You're ready," Addison said simply, and she believed it. The anesthesiologist glared at Addison, clearly upset with Addison's decision, and clearly about to question her authority. Though Addison could be kind and understanding, she was not going to have anybody ever question her authority in her OR. "If you have any problems, Dr. Carey, you can take it up with the Chief later," Addison informed the man.
Dr. Carey glared at Addison, and muttered under his breath, "I'll definitely be keeping that in mind." Addison resisted the urge to glare at him—had he not been a good anesthesiologist, Addison would have demanded that she never work with him. Simply put, they did not get along.
Izzie shifted her weight from foot to foot, struggling with herself. "He's right, Dr. Montgomery, I shouldn't do this."
Losing patience, Addison spoke harshly but quietly so that Mrs. Patterson would not be able to hear, her eyebrows raised. "Dr. Stevens, do you not trust my judgment? Do you not believe that I am competent to make these sorts of decisions?"
"No!" Izzie exclaimed.
"Then there is no issue here. Besides, I would have thought that you'd jump on an opportunity of this sort. Not many interns get to perform a C-section alone; most just assist."
Suddenly Izzie found herself smiling broadly. "You're seriously going to let me do this?" Addison smiled and nodded. "Thanks!" she exclaimed. Izzie put on gloves, and Addison walked Izzie through the surgery. At the end of the surgery, which Addison let Izzie perform completely on her own since there were no complications, Addison and Izzie both left feeling deeply satisfied. Ironically, Addison felt as if she had performed a much harder surgery that she had in a long time, though she didn't actually touch a scalpel the whole surgery. She had forgotten just how difficult it was to walk somebody who had never performed the procedure before through the surgery, even when it was something as routine as a C-section.
When Addison got home, she went through a stack of papers on her desk, searching until she found the particular scrap she was looking for. "I am over Derek, completely over," Addison reminded herself aloud, as she dialed the number on the slip of paper. The phone rang a few times, but then Addison heard a pleasant male voice on the other end. "Hi, uh, Steven, this is Addison," Addison began, quickly losing her nervousness. "We met at that hospital function about a week ago, and you gave me your number. Are you still up for dinner sometime soon?"
Addison and Steven talked for a few minutes, at the end of which Addison was smiling broadly. "Great, see you then," she said, before she hung up the phone. For the first time since her divorce, she was going on a real date (she still believed her dinner with Mark didn't count). "I am good," Addison informed an invisible crowd of people who had somehow insisted that she needed to take time to deal with her problems.