Disclaimer: Grey's Anatomy is still not mine…
A/N: Sorry it took so long to update. I've just had a lot going on in my life recently, though that's not really that great of an excuse. This chapter did not turn out as well as I had hoped, and then somehow ended up as being filler for the next chapter, in which I can promise an Addek moment. I really hope chapters like this won't continue to happen because, if it does, I'm not sure how I'll be able to continue the story. However, since I'm still in love with addek and because I need to prove to myself that I can finish a longer story, this story will be finished. Besides, despite the varying quality of the chapters, I'm really enjoying writing this fic, more than I've enjoyed writing any other fic I've ever written. It's no coincidence that the chapters keep growing. And, just so that I don't have to rant again, please, please, please review. If I could get 10 or more reviews on this chapter, I'd be the happiest person alive…
We All Cope In Different Ways
Addison walked out of the OR, having just performed a difficult surgery. There had been a scare, and Addison had been afraid for a moment that the premature baby she was operating on wouldn't make it, but it had been resolved, and the baby had survived. The baby still had recovery, but Addison was happy that she had done everything in her capacity to help the little girl. Addison felt happy, or at least felt something akin to happiness. She had been on several dates with Steven, who had proved to be kind, charming, sensitive, and exactly what Addison needed. She had performed several difficult surgeries during her current shift, all of which had been successes. She had helped other people, and she was happy.
Smiling to herself, Addison went to get some coffee. Coffee in hand, Addison sat down next to Callie at a table. Callie smiled quickly at Addison, before resuming her occupation of staring at the table where George and a few other interns sat. After a moment Addison sighed, causing Callie to look over at Addison.
"Callie Torres, this is starting to get ridiculous!" Addison exclaimed, attempting to be irritated, but failing. She had become quite good friends with Callie, which she supposed was inevitable since they lived in the same house, and found it hard to get mad at Callie. Especially when she was happy, which she seemed to be much more frequently since she had started dating Steven.
"What?" Callie asked, unsure of what Addison was talking about.
Addison gestured to where George was sitting, and Callie blushed slightly. "You're staring again."
"I was not staring!" Callie began defensively, but was stopped when Addison looked at her sideways. "Was I?" she questioned meekly. Addison nodded. "Was it that obvious?" Callie asked.
Once again, Addison nodded. "Yeah," she said. Callie took one last glance at George, before began to gaze fixedly at the table. "You know, you don't have to go on like this forever," Addison reminded Callie. "You could talk to him."
"I can't." Callie spoke softly, her voice sounding pained. "I want to, but I can't. He's happy now…look at him, Addison, he's happy. Right after his father died, he looked like he'd never be happy again. Now…now he's doing well, and I don't want to hurt him by doing anything stupid. So, I really do want to talk to him, but I can't."
"That's stupid," Addison informed Callie.
Callie glared at Addison. "Speak for yourself," she muttered, and resumed her occupation of staring at the table.
Addison closed her eyes for a second, as memories from New York flooded back to her. After a moment they were banished, but she had lost some of her former happiness, and she was left with the lingering sensation of longing and loss. "I am," Addison whispered. "I am speaking for myself. I'm speaking as somebody who…somebody who made a similar mistake to the one you are making now. Not exactly the same—mine didn't involve death—but similar.
"In New York, I knew that Derek and I were not okay, that we were drifting apart. I knew it, and I knew at a point where it still would have been fixable, but I was stupid, and I was scared. I didn't want to get hurt, and I didn't want to hurt Derek. It was easier to just leave things the way they were, and to simply hope that our problems would somehow resolve themselves. They don't resolve themselves, Callie."
Callie looked at Addison, saw the pain that Addison was experiencing in Addison's eyes, and felt responsible. Had she not gotten carried away in her own problems, her friend would probably still be happy. Callie was proud of how well Addison seemed to be doing recently, how well she was moving on. Steven had been a big step for Addison, and Callie knew that he was helping to heal her in ways that Callie could not. "I'm sorry," Callie said softly, looking up from the table and at her friend.
"Yeah, me too," Addison replied, a single tear escaping from her right eye. Addison quickly wiped it away and pretended that it had not been there, but both she and Callie knew the truth. The two friends sat in silence for a few minutes, both lost in their own thoughts. Finally, Addison said softly, "Callie, you don't have to make my mistake." As an afterthought, Addison added, "Wow…that sounded really cliché."
Silence ensued. "Maybe I'll do it. Maybe I'll talk to him," Callie said.
Addison smiled sadly. "It's your decision. You know, it's normally not a good idea to take love advice from a divorced person," Addison attempted to joke. She succeeded, however, of simply reminding herself that she was divorced. Addison was reminded of a Friends episode she had once watched with Savvy in which Ross had made a comment about not being the only person who liked fossils, and Rachel had responded that by saying that, all Ross succeeded in doing was to remind people that he liked them.
"Yeah, well, I'll risk it," Callie said dryly. Impulsively Callie stood up, picked up her coffee, and walked to George's table. Though Addison could not hear what Callie said, she saw George look puzzled, and Callie look apprehensive. After a moment, George smiled at Callie, and excused himself from his friends. Addison watched them walk off, unaware that somebody was now standing next to her.
"You have got to stop doing that!" a voice exclaimed suddenly, causing Addison to jump. Turning around quickly, Addison saw that it was only Miranda, and she slumped back into her chair. Miranda took the chair where Callie had been sitting, and glared at Addison. While a glare from Callie was not in the least bit scary, when Miranda glared, Addison couldn't help but want to flee.
"Stop doing what?" Addison demanded. "I did nothing! Except for three successful surgeries today, but I assume you aren't referring to those."
"Addison, you become overly involved in the problems of others. You take the problems of other people, and you make them your problems. You can't fix your own problems, so you fix theirs—it's infinitely easier, and it makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. But, most importantly, it makes you feel like you are in control and gives you a distraction."
Whatever Addison had been expecting Bailey to say, this was not it. "Are you kidding?" Addison asked incredulously. Addison knew that she had been perhaps slightly more involved with the personal problems of her colleagues lately, but it was nothing nearly as drastic as Miranda was making it out to be. Furthermore, Addison helped people because it was the right thing to do, not because it made her feel empowered.
"I have tried to be supportive for months now, Addison, months! Ever since you asked for Izzie Stevens to be put on your service, though nobody else approved, though you weren't really allowed, I tried to be supportive. I figured you were just doing the right thing. And then you let Izzie perform her first surgery since probation—a surgery which most interns do not perform alone. Then there was Karen from accounting, and—"
"I don't even speak to Karen!" Addison exclaimed, though she wasn't exactly sure where this whole rant from Bailey was leading. Normally Bailey was a lot more concise than she seemed to be being now.
Bailey raised her eyebrows. "If you never spoke to Karen, then how is it that you got her and her boyfriend back together?" Bailey demanded, her voice sickeningly sweet.
"Okay, so maybe I spoke to her once," Addison admitted. "But it isn't like I'm going on some sort of crusade to fix the problems of others. Give it a rest, Miranda. I'm moving on, and since I'm no longer sitting around contemplating what a crappy life I have, I have time to help others."
"Lily, Rachael, Ted and Sarah from financial; of the nurses we have Martha, Lauren, Terri, Nancy, syph-nurse Olivia, and Joan; Thomas, James, and Ellen the lawyers," Bailey listed. "Not to mention practically everybody in pediatrics, obstetrics, gynecology, and any service relating even slightly to neonatal care. And now we can add Callie to that list."
Addison tilted her head, counting the people as Miranda listed them, and trying to figure out how she had somehow fixed a personal problem of theirs. To her horror, Addison found that she could. "Was it really that many?" she asked, horrified.
"Yes."
"Wow," Addison exclaimed, impressed with herself, before she remembered that she was supposed to be defending herself. "So, I like to help people. There's nothing wrong with that. We all do—we're doctors, after all."
"Helping people is great and all," Bailey said dismissively, "But this isn't healthy! You're like an older version of Stevens!" Addison had to laugh at this, able to recognize the truth in that comment.
"Normally people say she's like a younger version of me," Addison pointed out.
Bailey put her hand on Addison's hand. "I say this because I care. I was supportive of this behavior at first, because it is good to help people, and because you need people to support you right now. But sometimes being supportive means telling somebody that what they are doing is wrong. You have a boyfriend now, and a house, and you're really recovering remarkably well. I'm just saying that this behavior is not helping you."
"But it is," Addison said, trying to comprehend what Bailey was getting at. "As you say, I have a boyfriend, and a house, and friends, and a life now."
"Which is really quite remarkable, given how much time you spend arranging dates for others, getting other couples back together, and helping people who are practically strangers to cope with the loss of loved ones. You spend all of your time helping others, or going on dates with your boyfriend, Steven. Sure you're happy, but for how long can you go on like this? Sometimes you have to focus on yourself, even if it is painful; sometimes we all have to be reminded to slow down."
Addison broke eye contact with Bailey, and looked around the room—anywhere but at Miranda. "Please," she said, "Just leave me alone for a bit."
Standing up from the chair, Bailey turned to leave. "Think about what I said, Addison," she said, as a farewell of sorts. Once she was gone, Addison sat at the table alone for a few minutes, but soon decided to go find some way to occupy herself. She briefly thought about finding Nancy, a neonatal surgical resident who she had heard was coping with a difficult breakup, but, determined to prove Miranda wrong, she decided she'd do something else. She was sure that the pit would love her help—the pit was always short staffed. Besides, maybe she could find another interesting case there.
Addison put on her scrubs, and then went to the pit. A lot of people looked surprised to see her volunteering her time in the pit, but they were grateful for the help, so they didn't say anything rude. Addison did sutures for a few hours and, though the work was dull, it gave her pleasure to talk to those she was suturing.
Suddenly, from where she was just finishing stitching up the knee of a teenager who had fallen off her bike, Addison heard somebody shout her name. "I'm sorry," Addison excused herself, "I'll be back in just a minute." At a half run, Addison went to see why she had heard her name called.
"Karev, what, you couldn't page?" she demanded, once she had figured out that it was Alex who had called her.
Alex shrugged. "Well, since you were just in the next room over, I figured that you could hear if I called." Pointing to a thin teenager with dark hair and pale skin on the gurney he was standing next to, Alex began to explain. "Madeline Pierce, sixteen, experienced a grand maul seizure during school, then passed out."
"Why did you call me?" Addison asked. From what she knew so far, this was a case for neurology, which was not her specialty, though, having been married to a brain surgeon for eleven years, she did know more than her fair share of the subject.
Alex shrugged. "I don't know," he said honestly. "Though there is nothing on her records to explain why, Miss Pierce was most adamant that she speak with somebody in your line of work."
"Miss Pierce—" Addison began, but was cut off.
"Madeline," she said. "Miss Pierce makes me sound way too old." Addison had to grin at this statement—she had felt the same way when she was younger.
"Madeline," Addison corrected herself, "why did you need to speak with me?"
The patient looked at Addison, as if deciding if she was a trust-worthy sort. Deciding that Addison could be trusted, she whispered, "I'm pregnant." Addison glanced down at the girl's stomach, trying to guess how far along in her pregnancy the teenager was, but Madeline didn't need to be asked. "I'm five months pregnant, and the father doesn't care. My parents don't know…please don't tell my parents!" she exclaimed, and suddenly the teenager blacked out.
Addison swore. "Take her to the surgical floor, and page Derek Shepherd!" she told a nurse urgently, as she checked the girl's pulse, and was relieved to find that it was strong and steady. Karev pushed the girl towards the elevator, as Addison shouted to Alex that she'd find him in a few minutes, she just had to finish stitching up her patient and telling her about what she could and couldn't do when the stitches were still in.
That task was finished quickly enough, and Addison went back upstairs to find Alex and Derek discussing options for the girl. Addison participated briefly, but was relieved when Derek told Alex to go run some tests. She turned to leave, but Derek grabbed her arm. "Since you can't avoid me right now, I've been meaning to ask you…what is this about you and Dr. Stevens in a supply closet together?"
Addison groaned loudly—everybody seemed to have heard about this and, while nobody seriously believed that she and Stevens were a couple, it sure caused a lot of gossip and speculation about what they were doing there. "Are you jealous?" she joked.
"Maybe a little," he responded playfully, and reached to touch her. The touch was not meant in a sexual way, more that of friend to friend, but Addison stepped back quickly.
"Derek…" she said warningly.
"It's been close to a month," he informed her.
Addison looked at him, her face devoid of all emotion. "Two weeks, actually," she said. It wasn't that she didn't have any emotions on this issue; it was just that she didn't want to have to deal with it now.
"Two weeks," Derek agreed. "Two weeks, and you've ignored me. Well, not really ignored me, more like avoided me…anyway, it's been two weeks, and you still haven't answered my question." Derek looked at Addison, who stubbornly looked back at him.
"I'm not ready to answer you, Derek," she said softly. Her voice, no longer emotionless, sounded confused and sad. "I'm sorry." Addison really was sorry—she wanted more than anything else in the world to be friends with Derek. Even if she couldn't love Derek romantically, she could never really stop loving him, and Addison longed for the long conversations they used to have, and the general feeling of ease she felt when he was around.
Derek looked at her sadly. "How long, Addie?" he asked.
"Please, Derek, not now," Addison begged. "You can't rush me." Derek sighed and muttered the he knew he couldn't rush her, and Addison smiled at him gratefully. This was what made dealing with Derek so painful—he knew her so well, and he could be so sensitive and understanding. "I have to go," she told Derek, though it was a lie. She just had to get away from him, because the longer she stayed around him when he was acting so sweet, the more likely she was to do something stupid. Derek nodded, and they parted.
Addison glanced at her watch and saw that her shift was over. Since she was still wearing her scrubs, Addison went to change into her regular clothes, and then to her office to get her purse. As she entered the NICU to look for her glasses, which she couldn't seem to find anywhere, she ran into Izzie. Now that Izzie was allowed to scrub into surgeries, she was no longer exclusively on Addison's service. Despite this, Addison found herself requesting Izzie often because Izzie had talent, and because she enjoyed working with Izzie. Besides, the two had become friends, even if the friendship was a rather odd one.
Izzie stopped Addison. "Hi," Izzie greeted her. "This is going to sound kind of awkward, but…do you want to come to Christmas dinner with us? I mean, I'm cooking dinner, and a lot of people from the hospital are coming. Callie's coming, because George apparently invited her earlier today, and so are Preston, and Derek, and a few others. Even Bailey and her husband are coming, though I was shocked that they accepted my invitation."
Addison couldn't help but snicker. "I'm not," she said. "I went to Thanksgiving at her house, and by the end of the day Miranda declared that she wasn't going to host another party this year, even for Christmas. I'm not sure how many people actually believed her, though."
"If you want to come, though, you're more than welcome," Izzie told her, and Addison smiled. "I know it's kind of short notice, but I only realized how soon Christmas is a few days ago."
Addison frowned, trying to remember what day it was. Eventually she gave up and, defeated, asked Izzie, "How many days is it until Christmas?"
"Six." Addison almost dropped her purse, she was so surprised. Six days until Christmas, and she hadn't bought gifts for anybody. Normally she started planning Christmas preparations out months before—now she couldn't even remember how soon it was. She reasoned that it was because she had been trying so hard to recreate her life that she had forgotten all about it, but in the back of her head, the nagging voice of Miranda reminded her of how busy she had been making herself with other people.
"Um, yeah, I'll be there," Addison said distractedly. It would be awkward, going to Christmas with her ex-husband and his girlfriend, but she had no place else to go and, besides, her best friends from the hospital were going. Suddenly remembering why she was in the NICU in the first place, Addison asked Izzie, "Have you seen my glasses?"
Izzie nodded. "A nurse from the pit found them and gave them to Alex, who forced them on Christina, who gave them to Meredith, who gave them to me. I couldn't find you, so I gave them to George and told him to give them to Callie, since you live with her and all." Addison shook her head at the long list of people, but was glad to know that they had been found and were in safe hands. "By the way, are you really old enough for reading glasses?"
"Thanks," Addison said dryly, refusing to answer that question. Turning to leave, she heard Stevens speak again, so she turned around.
"Have you seen George?" Izzie asked her. "I've been looking for him everywhere…"
Addison shook her head, "No, sorry." Leaving the NICU since she had nothing else to do in there, Addison walked to her car and drove home. She wasn't surprised to see the light on—Callie had the night off as well, and presumably hadn't spent an extra half hour at the hospital looking for her glasses.
Addison opened the door, hung up her coat, threw her purse on a chair (she'd pick it up later), and went upstairs to change out of her work clothes. Wearing jeans and a t-shirt, Addison entered the living room.
What she saw caused Addison to temporarily freeze in shock. Recovering, she made her presence known. "Hello, O'Malley," she said, and both Callie and George spun around from where they were sitting on the couch to stare at her. Callie didn't look too shocked, but George looked practically petrified.
"I hope you don't mind…" Callie said apologetically, but was cut off by Addison.
"Not at all," Addison said. "You do live here, after all."
Recovering, George looked at Callie in confusion. "What is she doing here?" George asked, puzzled. Addison smiled at his ignorance, though she supposed she would have responded not much differently if she was in his position. "Callie, what is she doing here?" he repeated.
"She lives here," Callie said simply.
George still looked confused. "Dr. Montgomery lives with you?" he questioned innocently.
Callie glanced at Addison, but Addison remained silent, and instead let Callie talk. Giving Addison an embarrassed look, she turned back to George. Addison sat down in the chair across from the sofa, picked up a blanket off the floor, and draped it over herself, once again reminding herself to look into getting better heating. "Actually, I live with her," Callie said. George thought about this for a moment, before realizing what Callie meant. Just incase he was still confused, Callie clarified, "It's her house, but it has three bedrooms, and I get one of them."
"Ah, well, Dr. Montgomery, it's a really beautiful house," O'Malley said, trying to recover from his shock. Though he was doing a good job, he seemed slightly scared by her presence, and Addison thought that maybe she would leave soon and give them some privacy.
Addison smiled. "It's 'Addison' when I'm not at the hospital," she told him, and he nodded, trying to return her smile. After a moment of strained silence, Addison stood up to leave, folding the blanket and putting it on the chair. "Well, it's been nice to see you, but I should probably go, um, do something," she finished lamely. She had never been good at making excuses.
"No, it's okay, you can stay," George said quickly. "We were just about to order dinner." At first Addison thought about declining, but he seemed sincere enough, and seeing Callie with George had made her feel especially lonely, so she agreed.
To her surprise, Addison found that she really enjoyed the night. She had missed having friends around, and this was the first time since she had moved to Seattle that she had been in her house with other people. It felt…good, and natural, and unstrained
When George left for the night, Addison told Callie how lucky she was that she and George were back together, to which Callie responded, "I know, believe me, I do." Though happy for her friend, Addison was reminded of the days when she and Derek had been happy like that and, when she was alone in her room, Addison inexplicably found herself in tears. Addison cried silently as she put on her pajamas, and got into bed, unable to stop the tears. At first she thought she was crying because she was alone, but when she thought of all of the people now on her side, both in Seattle and in New York, Addison realized this wasn't the reason. Suddenly Addison knew why she was crying. She was crying because she missed Derek, and because, much like Meredith had tried when Derek had gone back to Addison, no matter how hard she tried to get over him, she couldn't.