Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy. I don't own the title either. "Yesterday came suddenly" is a line from the song "Yesterday" by The Beatles.
A/N: My author's notes are getting out-of-hand long, so this one is going to be short. Please, please, please review, and enjoy the chapter!
Yesterday Came Suddenly
It was Christmas morning, and Isobel Stevens sat on the couch in the living room, a cup of coffee in hand. She loved Christmas—growing up it had been practically the only day of the year that her mother had made an effort to act as if she was actually there for Izzie. Now, as an intern, it was one of the only days where all of her friends could get together outside of the hospital for a whole day. A whole day without where they could be normal, where they could be something other than tired, stressed interns, residents, and attendings.
The tree stood proudly in the corner, expertly decorated. Last Christmas her friends had said she had put up too many decorations, so this year there was little else aside from the tree. She didn't mind, though, since the lack of other decorations made the tree somehow more noticeable. Besides, this Christmas was different than last Christmas. This Christmas was more complicated, and somehow since life was more complicated, it seemed nice that the house was less cluttered with decorations. Last Christmas she had been happily in love with Alex; this year she had a dead fiancé.
Izzie smiled as she thought about the holidays. "Denny would have wanted me to be happy," she reminded herself, knowing that it was completely true. Denny wouldn't have wanted her to have forgotten about him, but he would have wanted her to be happy. Anyway, Christmas would be busy, since she had to cook for many people, and she was glad that she had already wrapped her gifts.
Hearing a noise, Izzie turned to look for where the sound was coming from. "Hi guys," she said, greeting Meredith and George. "I'm so glad you're awake—it's almost nine o'clock, and we haven't started preparing yet!" Her friends stared at her incredulously, as if they couldn't believe that she was worrying about the cooking so early in the morning. "I made coffee," she offered.
"Thanks," the muttered in unison, yawning and walking off to the kitchen, returning shortly with mugs of coffee. As an intern, coffee became one of the things that helped you get through the day, and, even when they were not on duty, they felt somehow dependent on it. It was a routine to have coffee in the morning, and they didn't like the few things that stayed constant in their lives to change.
When George and Meredith had sat down, Meredith turned to Izzie. "There are pies and cakes in the kitchen, lots of pies and cakes. Do you think that we really need that many deserts?"
"Well, we're having guests over, and you never know how much they'll eat…" Izzie trailed off. Meredith didn't know how many people were coming, and had automatically assumed that it would just be the interns and their boyfriends or girlfriends. She had meant to tell Meredith, only somehow, with all the rush of putting together a party, she had forgotten. She had remembered this morning, as she made pies, and had been dreading this moment ever since. She wasn't sure how Meredith would take it—last time Izzie had held a party, it had been considerably bigger than the small get-together that Meredith had been expecting.
Meredith looked at Izzie skeptically. "But, Izzie, don't you think that perhaps you went a bit overboard?"
Izzie looked at George for reinforcement, but he stared back at her, and she knew that he wasn't going to help her. He knew how many people were invited, and had reminded her all week to tell Meredith, but she had put it off and now was going to pay for it. "You never know how much people will eat," Izzie said lamely.
"Izzie, how many people did you invite?" Meredith said, her voice deadpan.
"Just a few," Izzie replied, and George snorted. Shooting a glare at George, Izzie looked down at her coffee, as if it was going to tell her what to do. "Um, there's me, you, George, Alex, Christina, Burke, Callie, Derek…"
Meredith raised her eyebrows. "That's all, Izzie?" she asked, her voice good-humored. She had expected that group of people.
"Well, Bailey and her husband and their son are also coming," Izzie added, and George looked relieved. That's when it hit Izzie that even George didn't know who else she had invited. "And, um, perhaps just a few others."
George looked at Izzie questioningly. "Izzie?" he asked, and she looked down, embarrassed. This was not the way she had wanted to start Christmas. Christmas was her favorite day, and if she couldn't be with Denny, she at least wanted to be with the people who were now her family, and she did not want them to be mad at her.
"Addison and, um, possibly (but probably not) the Chief are also coming." There, it was over with. They could now yell at her but, even if they did, she wouldn't feel bad about inviting them. Addison was lonely and sad and had given Izzie hope when she needed somebody to stand up for her. The Chief had too been invited for a similar reason—when she had learned that he was getting divorced, she couldn't bear the thought of him being alone on Christmas. He had declined her offer and told her that he planned to work, but had agreed to stop by if the day was slow.
Meredith stared at Izzie in complete and profound disbelief. "You invited Dr. Montgomery?" she asked slowly. "Like, Derek's ex-wife, Satan? The woman commonly called Satan's whore?" Izzie cringed, and nodded sheepishly. "I'm not mad, I just can't understand why you would do that. Doesn't she have, like, satanic friends she can go visit for Christmas or something?"
"She wasn't doing anything for Christmas, Meredith, and it is the first Christmas since her divorce. Can you imagine spending that all alone?" Izzie didn't want Meredith to be mad at her, but found herself suddenly angered by Meredith's lack of understanding. "She was all alone, and she's hurting, and she didn't have anywhere to go, anybody to spend the holidays with. Would you want that for me? If I didn't have you guys, I'd be all alone. I'd probably spend the whole day crying my eyes out. Do you want that for her? Seriously?" She didn't know how she ended up half shouting, but somehow she did.
George got up and put his arm around Izzie. "Shhhh, Izzie, it's okay," he told her. "We don't mind having her for Christmas, do we, Meredith?" he asked threateningly. Meredith nodded quickly, realizing that this was important to Izzie. Clearly Izzie had somehow connected with Derek's ex-wife, and, if putting up with her for a few hours meant that Izzie would be happy on her favorite holiday, then Meredith would gladly make the sacrifice. For their sake as much as Izzie's, Meredith and George both decided to leave the issue of the Chief alone, and simply prayed that he wouldn't show up.
It took a moment for Izzie to calm down, but then she felt guilty for having shouted. "Sorry," she apologized, "I don't know why I got so worked up." Her friends hurriedly assured her that it was okay, but before they all went upstairs, Meredith had one more question.
"What do you mean by Addison is lonely and hurting? She doesn't seem lonely or hurting at all. I mean, she always acts like everything is just fine." Meredith didn't mean to be nosy, she was genuinely curious. As far as she was about to tell, the divorce had not affected Addison at all. One day she had ran into Addison crying in a supply closet, but that was practically the day after the divorce, and after that there had been no other incidents—in fact, recently Addison had been acting happier than she had been while she was married to Derek. She had assumed that Addison was either hard and heartless, or that she had been glad to get out of that marriage so that she could sleep with Sloan in a good conscience.
Little did Meredith know how far from the truth she was. "Addison acts fine, but in reality is the exact opposite," Izzie informed Meredith, leaving Meredith with something to think about.
Throughout this whole exchange, George had remained silent. He didn't really like gossiping about Addison after he had learned that she had offered Callie a room so that she wouldn't have to live in the hotel any longer. George was no particular fan of Addison, but he thought it seemed somehow wrong to treat her as if she didn't have feelings too. And then there was the incident at her house the other day. Callie had described to him what she had seen upstairs when she went to make sure that Addison was okay, and since then he had felt badly about calling her names. Clearly she too was human.
"Did you guys know that Callie lives with Addison?" George asked.
Izzie nodded. "I knew," she said. Meredith shook her head, clearly stunned. Deciding that they all should get ready, they all went upstairs to get dressed and showered, and soon Izzie had them all enlisted in helping out with the dinner preparations.
It was close to noon when the guests started arriving. Derek arrived first, followed by Christina and Burke. Izzie was glad to see Burke, since she was not that great at actual cooking, and soon Burke had turned the kitchen into an operating room. "This time you had better have alcohol," Christina told Meredith dryly. "I can't watch Burke turn your kitchen into an OR again, not without alcohol." Meredith snickered, but pointed Christina in the correct direction.
By mid afternoon, all of the guests had arrived except for Addison, who had told Callie to leave without her, and that she'd be there in an hour. The truth was that Addison just needed time to think about her first Christmas in over a decade where she was not with Derek. Her family had been overly conscientious, carefully avoiding anything even remotely linked to Derek, which had made the fact that she was divorced more painfully obvious. Her calls to Derek's family wishing them happy holidays had been strained, with the exception of Nancy, who declared that if Addison wasn't going to come to New York for New Years, then she would come to Seattle.
Now, a little over two hours later, Addison stood inside Meredith Grey's house, while Meredith looked at her curiously, as if seeing her in a new light. "Merry Christmas!" Addison exclaimed, trying to act light and cheerful. It wasn't that she wasn't happy, it was just that she felt like she was missing something, like she was empty.
Meredith smiled at Addison, but was saved from having to actually talk to Addison because Bailey and her husband, Tucker, entered, holding their son. Addison held Miranda's son, and began talking with them, while Meredith excused herself and went back to the kitchen, where she was watching Burke in the OR that was now her kitchen. Christina had now had just enough to drink that she was able to find the whole experience amusing, rather than mortifying, and Meredith, with the arrival of her boyfriend's ex-wife, decided that now would be a perfect time to join Christina and drink.
Suddenly the door rang. "I'll get it!" Addison called, glad for an excuse to get away from the crowded living room for a moment. The only reason she wasn't in the kitchen helping with the preparations, which she would rather have done, was because Derek was in the kitchen, and Addison was avoiding Derek.
Addison swung open the door, and stopped, her mouth open wide when she saw who it was. "What are you doing here?" Addison demanded.
"Same thing you are," Mark said charmingly. "I heard there this was the hot place to be, and I decided to stop by…and I brought wine."
"Were you even invited?" Addison demanded, and Mark shook his head. "Go home, Mark," she told him. "Please, Mark, it's not that I don't like you, because really we've been getting along quite well recently, and you've actually been treating your interns better. It's not that, it's just that I can't deal with you being here. Not today, not on Christmas."
Mark looked at Addison sadly. "You and Derek are all the family I have, Addie, even if both of you don't like me anymore. Please, just let me in."
"Sorry, Mark, this isn't my house, and I can't do that," Addison said, feigning sadness. "Please, just go home, or go to Joe's, or go to the hospital. Just not here." Feeling guilty about what she was about to do, Addison closed the door on Mark who, despite the cocky smile on his face, looked genuinely hurt. Addison turned around, and had walked only a few steps before the door rang again.
"Damn it!" Addison exclaimed, and went off to find Meredith. "You have somebody at your door that showed up uninvited, and he won't go," Addison explained to a confused Meredith, and an even more confused Derek who stood next to Meredith, his hands protectively on her.
Meredith shrugged. "Izzie, it's your party, you get to tell the uninvited person to go home." Burke assured Izzie that he could manage in the kitchen without her for a minute, and Izzie, with a shrug, went to the door, trailed closely by Meredith, Addison, and Derek.
"What's going on?" Derek whispered to Addison, who just groaned
"You'll see, and then you'll wish that you hadn't," Addison told him. "I had almost forgotten how pigheaded Mark was!" Derek stared at Addison in horror, and Addison realized what she had said. As Derek muttered under his breath about people who were stubborn and bad people and had slept with every woman in New York and Seattle, and all sorts of other vile things, Addison looked at Derek…really looked at him. He looked happy, and Addison felt a pang of jealousy. Divorce had treated Derek well, while it hadn't treated Addison kindly. She was so absorbed in studying Derek, that it was only when she heard Izzie say, "Fine, you can stay. Come in," that she realized what had just happened.
"What?" Addison and Derek cried simultaneously. "You're letting him stay for Christmas?" Derek demanded, outraged.
"It's Christmas," Izzie explained, "And you can't turn somebody away on Christmas. It's not right, and it is definitely not in the spirit of the whole holiday."
"Neither is showing up uninvited where you are not wanted," Derek muttered, receiving a glare from Izzie, Mark, and Meredith. With a sigh, he stormed from the room, Meredith at his side, leaving Addison alone with Izzie (who quickly excused herself), and Mark. The last thing that Addison could hear before she was alone with Mark was Meredith telling Derek, "We're going to have to try and be supportive of Izzie's decision, since it is her first Christmas with a dead fiancé and all."
Left alone with just Mark, Addison looked at him. "I'm sorry, Mark, really I am. But this is painful for me, being with you on Christmas. It makes me thinks of things that I should have done, and things that I shouldn't have done, and things that could be had life not turned out differently, and past years when you and Derek and I spent Christmas together. When we were all happy, instead of damaged. So, I'm sorry, but since I've made it abundantly clear that I do not want you here, for all intensive purposes, you're dead to me." Addison felt her eyes begin to tear up, and she had to concentrate hard on not crying.
Mark bit his lip, and Addison could see that he too was struggling to not cry. "Can't we just start over, Addie, and be friends? We don't have to be anything more than that, just friends." He loved Addison, but even if she couldn't love him back, he wanted to at least be friendly with her. It was times like this when he cursed his impulsive decision the night he had first slept with Addison.
Addison felt a tear roll down her cheek, and she quickly wiped it away. She wanted to forgive Mark, wanted so badly for things to go back to the way they had been before everything had gotten messed up. But it wasn't possible, and would never be. They could slowly, with time, grow to trust each other again, grow to be friends, but nothing would ever be the same. On a normal day, Addison would have told Mark that they couldn't just 'start over,' but this was Christmas. "Just for this one day, Mark, we'll pretend that we're friends. Just for this one day, because it's Christmas, and because I need something to stay the same, we'll be civil."
They were saved from any more awkward and painful conversations because Izzie called them all to dinner. It was a feast fit for kings, so to speak, and Addison found the evening fun despite herself. Miranda and her husband were friends, and their son was adorable. Callie was able to get into the Christmas spirit almost as much as Izzie was, which Addison found strangely amusing to watch. Christina, having consumed quite a bit of alcohol, was amusing, and told the whole party hysterical stories that Addison was sure that she would regret telling the next morning. Meredith and Derek were in their own little bubble, one that Addison pretended did not exist. Addison was not a person to run away from pain, but she was aware where the line between necessary pain and inflicted pain was drawn, and so she chose to not look at Derek and Meredith. George, Burke, and Izzie all were friendly. The Chief never did show up, though Addison wished for his sake that he had.
During dinner, Addison found herself sitting down next to Alex Karev. Addison had sat down between him and Izzie because she didn't want to disturb the seating of one of the couples, and because she did not want to sit next to Mark, which was the other option. Addison soon found herself talking to Alex, who had an amusing take on the events taking place around them. Izzie seemed to want constant reassurance that Christmas was a success, and Addison was more than happy to give it. She had expected to spend Christmas alone in her hotel room crying, and this was a vast improvement.
At the end of the night, everybody shared gifts. Though she didn't get that many, since hardly anybody knew she was even invited to Christmas, those that she did get were thoughtful. Before it got too late, Addison decided that it was time for her to leave, and she said goodbye, thanking Izzie. Sure, the evening had had more than its share of awkward conversations, particularly between her and Mark, and between her and some of the interns, but it had still been enjoyable. She had even ended up having a nice, civil conversation with Meredith, something which had surprised both of them.
Addison got into her car. She intended on driving home, but somehow found herself at Joe's. With a sigh, she entered the bar, which was scarcely populated, since it was Christmas. "Merry Christmas, Joe," Addison greeted Joe, trying to act happy.
"Hi," Joe greeted her, "How's your Christmas been?"
"Better than expected," Addison admitted. "Can I have water, please?"
Joe gave Addison a look, but returned in a moment with a glass of water. Sensing that she wanted to be left alone, Joe busied himself with the rest of the bar, giving Addison her much needed time to think. Addison didn't know what was wrong with her. She had expected to have a terrible Christmas, and it had actually been okay, but somehow it didn't feel right. She felt empty, and lonely, and she knew she shouldn't.
She felt herself begin to lose control of her emotions, felt her eyes begin to water. It was her first Christmas without Derek in over a decade. She had expected to spend the rest of her life with Derek, and even when their marriage was in trouble, she had hope. Now, she wondered, what was the use of hope?
A man sat down next to her, but she didn't bother to look and see who it was, assuming that it was just some stranger either looking for a one night stand, or unaware that she wanted to be alone. "Addie, are you okay?" the person questioned with a mixture of curiosity and worry in his voice. Addison recognized that voice, and it confused her more.
She turned to face him, angry, and confused, and on the verge of tears. "Do I look okay, Derek?" she spat. He clearly didn't have an answer to that, as he remained silent. After a minute, despite her better judgment, Addison spoke again. "I'm lonely," she whispered.
"Me too," Derek said sadly, and she could tell that he meant it. "Why did we stop trying, Addie? We could have stopped this from happen. We both knew that we were growing apart, that we had become lazy, and successful, and busy. So, why did we stop trying to fix it?" All night Derek had been plagued with this question, and so when Addison left, he decided that he'd take his chances that she had gone to Joe's. He had told Meredith that he had to go, which had left her concerned and worried, and though he felt bad, he needed to be here more than anything else on earth. He had to know.
Addison felt herself begin to cry, though her voice remained steady. "We were afraid, I think," she said. "But it doesn't matter anymore…it's over, it has already happened, and there is no going back."
"No," Derek agreed. Though Addison knew that this answer was the truth, she had been hoping that, despite all reason and all evidence against it, Derek would assure her that they could go back to the way everything was before. Now, that last bit of hope smashed, Addison couldn't do anything but cry. She tried to stop, but she was unable to, and when Derek hugged her, she started crying harder. "It'll be okay, Addie, I know it will," he whispered into her hair.
"But it won't," she sobbed, "And you don't even know the half of it. You have your girlfriend, and she is sweet, and kind, and she cares about you. You ended up with somebody, and I ended up all alone. I lost my husband, and one of my best friends, and I left my friends and family back in New York when I left for Seattle. I'm all alone, Derek, and nobody knows how hurt I am except me…and now you, I guess, which actually just complicates things."
Derek sighed, sensing the truth in what Addison said. "I love you, Addie," he whispered, though he didn't know why. He was happy with Meredith, he loved Meredith even, but it wasn't right. When he was with her he was happy, but he didn't feel complete. It was as if there was something missing that was only complete when Addison was there, a thought which scared the hell out of him.
Addison pulled away from Derek as quickly as she possibly could. "Getting divorced is supposed to mean that you're not able to hurt me like this anymore," she told him, but suddenly she was calm. She didn't know what it was, but Derek's presence was calming. She had tried for months now to stop feeling safe around Derek, but she couldn't stop it. She was in still in love with him, but she was also in denial, aware that the truth could just cause more damage than she had already caused.
"I'm sorry," Derek said, "But I've tried for a while now, and I can't go on with you hating me this way. Please, Addison, you don't have to love me anymore, you just have to even like me, though that would be nice, you just have to be there."
"But, Derek, I do love you, which is the problem," Addison said, her voice barely audible. "I love you, which is why this all pains me so much. You, Derek, do not love me, you just want closure. Perhaps you even want to be friends with me because you don't regret many things about our marriage. You…you just don't, okay?" She didn't know why she was so desperate for Derek to say that he didn't love her, but she was. She wanted him to love her, yet she didn't want him to. It confused her, and she felt unsure of herself.
"Let's just…be civil, then," Derek offered, and Addison nodded.
"And let's pretend that this never happened, this whole conversation," Addison added. "And please, Derek, go find Meredith. She's a good person, and I'm sure she's wondering why her boyfriend ran away from her on Christmas."
Derek suppressed a groan; he was going to have a lot of explaining to do when he got back to Meredith's. "Good point," he said, and they both got up to leave.
"Derek?" Addison said, once they were in the parking lot. "I'm happy." The funny thing was, Addison realized, it was the truth. Half an hour ago she had been in Joe's crying over the loss of the man she loved; twenty minutes ago she had been talking with him about why her marriage had failed, then breaking down in front of him; ten minutes ago she had been confused and upset. And now? Now she was, inexplicably, happy.
He looked at her, confused. "Happy for what?"
"I'm happy for you," she explained. "I'm happy for what you have with Meredith, and I'm happy for what I have with Steven, and I'm happy that we're civil, and…I'm just happy. It's Christmas, Derek, and Christmas is a time to be happy. I love Christmas, did you know that?" Derek shook his head, both of them laughing.
"I did know that," he laughed. They said goodbye, and Derek got in his car to apologize to Meredith, and Addison got in her car to drive home. Both were left with the same question, Addison as she got into bed alone, and Derek as he got into bed with Meredith. Why was it that, after talking, they were both happy? Why was it that they no longer felt empty? And, most importantly, why was it that they were confused about what to do next?