Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy.
A/N: I'm so sorry about the long delay! I went to Italy for almost three weeks, and then school started again and I was swamped. Please forgive me. Just a quick note about this chapter—I wanted to have a subplot going on, so I added this insight into a younger Addison. I have a list of titles of future chapters at the bottom this document, and one of the ones that I've had since I wrote chapter one was "Some Kind of Miracle." Unfortunately, I just realized when watching Grey's reruns that this was the title of a very recent new episode—I've had it written down for over four months now! But since I didn't want to have the same title, I changed this chapter to "Nothing Short of a Miracle." The first one was better…ABC thought so too.
Nothing Short of a Miracle
Addison was in a decidedly good mood. She knew she shouldn't be, with all that had happened in her life lately, but when times become bad it is easy to take pleasure in the simplest things. Today Addison had gotten up and found that Callie had made pancakes (admittedly for George, but he was willing to share). She had found an earring that she thought she had lost, and she had delivered one healthy baby. While these feats might seem like small miracles, they were all Addison had at the moment, and she was willing to take them without complaint.
Spotting Dr. Stevens sitting glumly in a chair at the nurses station, Addison took the binder she was looking at off of the desk, walked over to Izzie, and dropped it in Izzie's lap. "I assume you're not doing much today…?" Addison questioned, more to herself than to Izzie.
Izzie looked up at Addison bitterly. "I'm busy doing nothing," she said, her voice full of anger. "I'm being punished."
"Again?" Addison groaned. The other attendings were finally beginning to be convinced that Izzie wasn't some fragile flower that would crack under pressure, but an intern as good as any other. Addison couldn't quite believe that Izzie had somehow managed to get herself in trouble again, and she hoped that this mistake wouldn't be nearly as costly as the last.
"Apparently I'm not supposed to do good deeds," Izzie muttered. Addison raised her eyebrows and looked at Izzie questioningly. With a sigh, Izzie continued, "There's this seventeen year old girl, Heather, with VADAR syndrome, and the worst spine curvature that I've ever seen. She's miserable, and the surgery is expensive, and…" Izzie trailed off and looked down at her feet, not sure how to continue. All her good deed had done so far was get her in huge trouble with Bailey and the Chief. The last thing she needed was to have Addison, who she viewed as a friend, mad at her.
"…and you paid for the surgery," Addison finished.
"How did you know?" she asked as she looked up, astonished. Looking carefully at Addison's face, Izzie noticed that Addison looked as if she had seen a ghost, and her face was several shades lighter than it had been before.
"Let me guess…the surgery is too experimental, and the insurance company refused to pay for it," Addison continued, her voice deadpan. Izzie nodded, and Addison felt her heart sink. "Richard's probably furious," Addison noted, and if Izzie hadn't known better, she would have thought that Addison was speaking from personal experience. A moment passed in silence, before Addison looked around the hall for Richard, who was studying the OR board. "I'll be right back," Addison excused herself, beginning to make for Richard.
"Can I still scrub in?" Izzie asked quickly, before the distracted Addison could get too far away.
Addison smiled halfheartedly. "Surgery's in three hours. It's a C-section with twins…if you seem to know enough, I might let you perform some of it." Izzie made a small noise out of excitement and hurried off to study, barely noticing as Addison made her way to Richard.
Richard took one look at Addison, and sighed. "Izzie Stevens—" he began, but Addison nodded, telling him that she already knew what had happened.
"I don't know the exact procedure being used, but my guess is that it costs around three hundred thousand dollars, maybe more," she told him. "That's not that horrible, all things being considered."
Richard stared at Addison, who carefully avoided looking at him. "You spent about that much, though the money was worth more at the time," he said softly, so that nobody could hear. "Or course, it's not the money that matters here. There are more important moral, ethical, and practical reasons that matter more than the money itself."
"I know," she whispered, flooded with memories.
Looking sternly at her, Richard put his hand on Addison's shoulder. "Addison, I have to know. You didn't put her up to it, did you?" Addison looked into Richard's eyes, looking crushed and betrayed. How could Richard assume that she would ask Izzie to do anything like that? And even if he didn't assume that she had asked Izzie to do it, or somehow made Izzie feel that it was her responsibility to take care of Heather, how dare Richard even ask her that question, all things being considered? Richard squeezed Addison's shoulder apologetically. "I'm sorry. I just had to be positive."
"I'm not a child anymore, Richard," Addison told him. "I wouldn't wish what I went through on anybody, especially not Izzie." She looked down at the ground, trying to control her emotions. "This was not what I needed right now," she said tiredly. Richard nodded in agreement. "When's the surgery?" she asked tiredly.
"Tomorrow morning," the Chief told Addison, who stared blankly past him. "Derek and Callie are performing it." Richard studied the OR board before he turned around and walked away, leaving Addison alone.
The next morning Addison was at the hospital bright and early. She wanted to be there for the surgery, even if something horrible happened. Richard had seen her enter the hospital, but he had the good grace to not confront Addison, figuring that she probably needed to be alone. Now, alone, she paced up and down the hall, anticipating the start of the surgery. If something went wrong, if the surgery failed, if Izzie got hurt, Addison wasn't sure what she would do. She couldn't take many more blows without breaking down again, and she really didn't want that to happen.
The sound of a person walking down the hall caused Addison to turn around, about to pretend that she was doing something if the person walking down the hall was an intern, resident, or attending. This was just surgery, just an operation, notwithstanding the fact it was a risky, experimental procedure. Seeing it was Derek, Addison didn't bother to pretend that she was looking for an earring back, or looking at the papers she held.
Derek watched Addison without saying anything for a moment, as she walked back up and down the hallway, lost in her own thoughts. Finally he spoke, "Addison." There was nothing more he could say, nothing that would help her through what she was going through.
Turning away from him in the hopes that Derek hadn't noticed that her blue eyes were bright with restrained tears, Addison nodded, acknowledging his presence, not sure if she could trust her voice. "Tell me it will be okay, Derek," she whispered. "Please, Derek, tell me it will be okay," she repeated, louder and more desperate.
"I can't," Derek told Addison softly, walking around her so that he could see her face, and grabbing her hand when she moved to turn around and face the other direction. "I wish I could, I really wish I could, but…you know that…"
"…sometimes after a perfect surgery with no complications, people just code?" Addison finished, her voice bitter and sad. "I know."
Derek squeezed Addison's hand reassuringly. "Will you be okay?" he asked.
"Do I have any choice?" was the quiet response. Addison attempted a smile, but gave up quickly. "I have to get Richard to find somebody to cover for me incase somebody goes into labor. Only an absolute emergency will keep me from watching the surgery." A look from Derek told her that he wasn't sure that watching would be such a great idea, but she glared at him. "I have to see it, Derek."
"Take care of yourself, Addison," Derek said with as much of a smile as he could muster, before he turned and walked away. He had to get ready for surgery and, with Addison on his mind, he needed to find some way to calm down so that he didn't worry himself into making a real mistake.
Addison paced some more, found Richard, who had already arranged for a senior resident to take her cases unless it was an emergency that required her, and went to the observation deck. The deck was relatively quiet because, even though experimental surgery normally drew a crowd, the fact that it was a weekend and an early hour made people less enthusiastic about watching. Noticing that Izzie was sitting alone in a corner, Addison hesitated for a moment before crossing the room and sitting down next to her.
They sat in silence for over an hour until, just as the surgery was starting, Izzie played nervously with a piece of her hair and said, "Oh, this should have been my surgery! I should have been allowed to scrub in."
Addison grimaced and looked Stevens in the eye. "You don't want to scrub in on this surgery," she told Izzie earnestly. "Trust me." Izzie looked at her curiously, but Addison chose to not volunteer any more information, instead staring intently at the incision that Callie was currently making.
Derek, for a moment allowing his mind to wander, turned his eyes to the observation deck, and scanned the rows for Addison. He found her sitting in one corner of the room next to Doctor Stevens, and watched Stevens look at Addison questioningly. After a moment Addison looked at Derek and saw him staring at her. Their eyes locked briefly before Derek looked back down at his work. Addison was glad when he stopped looking at her, not only because she wanted him concentrating on the patient, but because she was afraid that her eyes would betray too much of her fear.
The people around Addison and Izzie talked quietly to themselves, unaware that to Izzie and Addison this was anything but a normal surgery. Addison was annoyed by the noise around them, but at the same time she felt it comforting. "Don't you have cases today?" Addison heard somebody ask, and it was a moment before she realized that the question was being addressed to her.
Turning to face Izzie, Addison shook her head. "I got a resident to cover me unless there is an emergency," she said. "I had to see this."
"Why?" Izzie asked. "Because it's experimental?"
Addison shrugged. "I guess." She bit her lip, unsure if she should tell Izzie the truth. Suddenly she saw Derek curse look at the heart rate monitor, a worried expression on his face. Though she couldn't see what it said, Addison cursed and had to fight the overwhelming urge to cover her face and not watch. "Heather has to live," she muttered to herself. "Heather has to live because this can't happen to both of us, because one of us has to succeed." Izzie looked at Addison in confusion, but only briefly because she too was busy trying to figure out what exactly was going on.
After a moment Derek and Callie sighed, and Addison knew that the emergency was over.
Glancing over to watch Izzie, Addison saw that Izzie was biting her nails nervously. "When I was a resident, I met a patient who needed expensive, experimental surgery and couldn't afford it. The insurance company wouldn't pay, and…and I had money. Money has never been something that I've needed to worry about, and to watch Jeremy, that was his name, at fifteen not get treatment simply because he couldn't afford it opened up a whole new world to me," Addison said so softly that it was almost a whisper.
Izzie turned to look at Addison, opened her mouth as if to say something, but closed it quickly, an odd expression on her face. "It was anonymous, and to this day I can count the amount of people who knew about it on one hand—Derek, Mark, Richard, Derek's sister Nancy, and my best friend Savvy…maybe six if you count Savvy's husband, though I never told him. Derek, Nancy and Mark grew up comfortable, but never the way I was, and they were puzzled by what I had done, though in retrospect I think they understood why I did it. Richard was livid because he, as an attending, thought that I had violated every rule in the book. But, you see, none of it mattered because I was convinced that I was going to turn around the life of Jeremy."
"Oh God," Izzie breathed in heavily. She had a good idea where this story was going, and wasn't sure that she liked it.
"He coded on the table at the very end of the procedure," Addison whispered, by now only half aware that she was speaking aloud.
"I'm so sorry," Izzie told Addison, not sure how she was supposed to react. How were you supposed to act when a friend, your boss, tells you a story like that?
Addison fingered the end of the sleeve of her doctor's coat. "I don't for one moment regret paying for the surgery, though I'm sure it was completely unethical. I have no doubt that it was the right thing to do, no doubt that it offered him possibilities that he wouldn't be able to ever have otherwise. If I hadn't paid then he would have had weeks, maybe months, that's it…but a month can be a lot of time. No, I knew the risks, he knew the risks, his parents knew the risks, and we all thought that they were worth taking. I don't regret what I did, but I will forever feel responsible for his death. I scrubbed in, I was there. He shouldn't have coded…even the autopsy revealed nothing. Sometimes people just…die…they just die, and there is no explanation for it."
Izzie tilted her head and thought about what Addison had told her for a moment. "Why are you telling me this?" she questioned softly and received a shrug in reply.
"I needed to tell somebody, I guess," Addison muttered, embarrassed, "And you were here, and I thought that you'd understand…" she trailed off and Izzie didn't try to pry. The room got louder as more people entered, and George, Meredith and Alex all came and sat down on the other side of Izzie. A few months ago Addison would have found the situation awkward but now, with the possible exception of Meredith, Addison was comfortable around the interns. Besides, Addison reminded herself when her mind slipped to the issue of Meredith while watching the surgery, she was trying to become comfortable around Meredith. It wasn't Meredith's fault that every time Addison saw Meredith and Derek together her heart sunk, and it wasn't Meredith's fault that, though she'd deny it if anybody asked her, she was jealous of Meredith, jealous that Meredith had what she once had had.
When the surgery was over, Addison fled from the observation deck. The surgery had been a success and, though recovery loomed ahead, that was something to be grateful for. Walking down the stairs, Addison waited for Derek to exit the operating room; when he finally did come out, Addison flung her arms around his neck, unable to contain herself. "Thank you," she whispered, on the verge of tears.
Derek stared at her head, startled, before deciding to hug her back. Even if nothing would ever be the same between them, Addison was still his best friend and, no matter how much he tried to hate her, it was impossible. Forgetting that he was in a public place, Derek hugged Addison tighter and leaned his head against hers. For a moment everything was okay, until Derek saw Meredith out of the corner of his eye.
"Just great," Meredith exclaimed loudly, horrified. "You're unbelievable, Derek!" Addison quickly pulled away from Derek, and watched Derek open his mouth to form some argument pronouncing his love and fidelity. Before he said anything, Derek glanced at Addison, and suddenly closed his mouth. With an exasperated sigh, Meredith turned around and stormed away—neither Addison nor Derek could blame her.
Addison pursed her lips in thought. "Will we ever be okay, Derek?" she asked. "Will we ever reach the point where not everything is awkward? Are we even supposed to? I mean, normally when people get divorced they don't exactly run to their ex-husband and try to become friends again."
"What are they supposed to do, then, Addison?"
"Run off with the dirty mistress," Addison stated bitterly, before realizing what she had said. "Sorry," she apologized, though she really had no need to, since Derek was laughing hysterically. "What's so funny?" she demanded irritably.
Derek shook his head. "Nothing," he sputtered, and Addison didn't say anything until his laughter had died, unable to find the humor in what she had just said.
"You had better find Meredith and apologize," she informed him. "She's going to kill you." When she had been married to Derek, she had seen him and Meredith hug, exchange looks, and even kiss. Though at first she had acted as if it didn't bother her, by the end she had broken down and yelled at Derek in front of a good portion of the staff at Seattle Grace, much to her embarrassment. For Meredith's sake, Addison hoped that Meredith yelled at Derek in a more discrete place.
Derek looked down at the floor, thinking. With Meredith he could imagine what tomorrow would be like, and the day after it, and next week. But could he imagine a life with Meredith? Could he imagine in ten years waking up and seeing Meredith in his bed? A year ago he had thought that Meredith was the one, that Addison was lost forever, but now he knew this was not the case. With Addison he couldn't imagine waking up tomorrow, or the day after it, or even next month—however, he also couldn't imagine in ten years, or even two, not being with her.
Seeing the look in Derek's eyes, Addison knew that something had happened, but was unable to tell what. Instead of fretting over it, Addison hugged Derek and whispered into his ear again, "Thank you," before turning around and walking towards Richard's office. She had to tell him that she was ready to take any case they threw at her, now. Actually, she felt as if she could fly, and even her encounter with Meredith while she was hugging Derek seemed insignificant compared to the fact that Izzie's patient had lived.
Heather had lived…Izzie's patient had lived and, while this didn't make Addison's loss any less great, it gave Addison hope. Entering Richard's office, Addison practically glowed. "Richard!" she exclaimed, opening the door to his office without checking to make sure that nobody was inside. "Oh, sorry," she said when she saw two other people in the office with Richard.
The Chief looked up at Addison. "I heard," he said simply, and offered her a smile, which she returned, "However, I'm in a meeting now, so I really can't discuss it now. Do you think you could stop by my office later?" Addison nodded, still apologizing for entering without knocking, and turned around to leave. Right before she closed the door, she heard her name being shouted. "Addison!" Richard exclaimed. "I almost forgot—you have a visitor waiting for you in the cafeteria."
"Oh?" Addison questioned curiously, but Richard just asked her to close the door on her way out. Addison quickly made her way down to the cafeteria, and searched for somebody who she recognized. She saw lots of people, but most were employees at Seattle Grace.
"Addison?" a voice called out, and Addison spun around. She would recognize that voice anywhere, but to wish for the owner of that voice to be in Seattle was too much to wish for.
"Savvy!" Addison exclaimed, rushing to hug her best friend. "You didn't tell me that you were going to be in Seattle! I would have made plans, or arranged to take tomorrow off, or…" Realizing that she was rambling, Addison stopped herself and examined her friend. "You look good!" she told Savvy, and she meant it. Despite the radical surgery that Savvy had underwent a last year which had included an oophorectomy and a double mastectomy, Savvy looked better than before—certainly happier and more alive.
Sitting down in a chair and gesturing for Addison to do the same, Savvy smiled. "Thanks. You do too."
"Is Weiss here?" Addison wanted to know.
"Nope—he's in Europe for the week on business, and I decided to come and visit you instead of stay alone in New York. I have lots of vacation time for this year, plus if I agree to meet with some lawyer for a few hours in Seattle I can get my hotel paid for, as well as only have to spend four vacation days on a seven day trip."
Addison grinned. "Very nice," she told her friend. "Listen, do you have a place to stay? Because I bought a house, and it has lots of extra rooms, especially since only two and a half people live in it." Savvy raised her eyes questioningly at the mention of two and a half people living in Addison's house, and Addison blushed. "Well, there's me," she explained, "And Callie…that's the resident I was telling you about who lived in a hotel until I offered her a room…and then Callie's boyfriend George, who is an intern here, lives there about half of the time. So that's two and a half."
Before she had time to say anything else, Addison's pager went off—she was needed in the NICU. "Listen, I have to go," Addison said hastily, "But if you're free for dinner tonight we can talk then. I want to hear all about what's happened in New York."
Savvy nodded in agreement. "That sounds good." She grinned, "I'll go bother Derek and Mark for the rest of the day until you're free. They'll both be shocked—plus I've been meaning to ask Mark for ages now about his New Years experience. And maybe I'll find that pretty blonde intern who was on my case last year and say hello, since she seemed skeptical that what I did was the right thing."
Addison quickly said goodbye and hurried to the NICU. She couldn't afford to have her good day spoiled because she had killed some poor, innocent baby because she was too busy gossiping with Savvy about Mark and Izzie. Perhaps sometimes, just when you need it the most, miracles do happen, Addison mused as she walked up the stairs. According to a host of angry nurses waiting for the only working elevator, since one was down for repairs, the elevator had been stopped between floors for close to twenty minutes now.