Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy.
A/N: Sorry for the delay posting this…I had term papers to write. I'm really busy until the end of the school year, but I'm going to try and be better about posting until finals come. Anyway, I worked hard on this, so please review!
Confrontations
Addison sat down on her couch and motioned for Savvy to do the same. Dinner had been fun, though not terribly enlightening for either of them, since they had spent most of it gossiping about people they knew in New York—whenever Savvy had approached the topic of Seattle, Addison had answered with, "I'll tell you later. Today is too good a day to spoil with my troubles." Savvy's suitcase safely in Addison's guest bedroom, the time had come for them to talk and, though part of Addison didn't want to tell Savvy what had happened, the other part of her screamed to share it with somebody.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Savvy asked, her eyes questioning, once they were both well situated on the couch with cups of tea on the coffee table in front of them.
Picking up her tea, Addison stared at it for a moment before putting it back down without taking a sip. Shrugging, Addison dismissed the question and switched the subject. "Later," she told Savvy, "So, how is Weiss?"
"He's good, thanks," Savvy said, her voice impatient. "How are you?" she asked, not even trying to be subtle. Addison glared at her, and muttered something slightly incomprehensible suggesting that they talk about Weiss now and herself later, and something about not being ready to tell Savvy just yet. "Well, then will you be ready, Addie?" Savvy demanded, not as much annoyed as concerned. Before Mark, they had told each other everything…or at least, she had thought that they had.
"I'll be ready soon," Addison said, looking everywhere but at her friend's face. "You haven't told me much about your recovery yet…"
Savvy sighed. "What is soon, Addison?" she asked, disheartened. "Today? Tomorrow? Later in the week? Next year? Because every time I ask you anything about yourself you flip it around with a question about me. Yes, I underwent radical surgery and yes, I'm okay. Yes, I'm healing. So can we please talk about you for once? You still haven't told me anything about Seattle!"
Feigning annoyance, Addison rolled her eyes. "I've told you many things!" she exclaimed indignantly. "I've told you about my new house, and my roommate, and Mark's New Years experience, and Miranda Bailey, and I've told you about Preston Burke and his girlfriend, Christina. I've told you about Richard and Adele, and I've told you about Izzie, who got engaged to Denny, a heart transplant patient, the day before he died. What more can you want?"
"Addison, Mark and Derek have told me more about you in the past year than you have," Savvy said bluntly. Her voice softening, she continued, "Listen, Addie, I didn't come here to yell at you, and I didn't come here to interrogate you. I came her to talk to you and catch up with you…I feel like I hardly know my best friend any more, which is an alien feeling since we've told each other everything for, what, sixteen years, maybe more? Or, at least I told you everything…as of late I'm not sure how much you've told me, and how much you've decided to gloss over."
"I'm sorry," Addison murmured. "It's just tough to tell people about…everything."
"I know, but it's equally hard to learn from Mark, not you, that you were aborted his child," Savvy said bitterly, "And I was learned that you got divorced almost a month after it happened…a month, Addison!" Addison opened her mouth to apologize, her face expressing great sadness and regret, but Savvy cut her off, painfully aware that she probably shouldn't have spoken to Addison the way she just had. "No, I shouldn't have said that, and I'm sorry," Savvy apologized. "I really didn't come here to interrogate you, I promise. If you don't want to talk about it, you don't have to, but just let me remind you that, should you want to talk about it, I'm here to help you."
Addison nodded gratefully, and Savvy changed the subject, "So, did you know that Sophie Harriot's husband, Ron, was caught having sex with the neonatal surgeon now working in New York? I don't remember her name, but you know her…short, dark brown hair, fair skin…either way—" Addison cut Savvy off.
"—you're right," she said suddenly. "And I'm…ready…to talk about it now, if you wouldn't mind listening." Addison felt herself cringe at the thought of telling what had happened, and simultaneously feel immensely relieved that she could finally tell somebody the whole story.
"Addison, you're my best friend," Savvy informed her kindly, "This is the kind of thing I'm here for."
Sighing loudly, Addison pushed a piece of hair behind her ears, not because it needed to be there, but because she wanted something to do with her hands. "I'll try to tell it the way the nurses and interns would, since it's infinitely more amusing that way," Addison said, striving in vain for humor. "Let's start at the beginning…McWife, that's me, sleeps with McSteamy, that's Mark, and McDreamy, that's Derek…"
"They call Derek 'McDreamy'?" Savvy asked, amused. "Are you kidding?"
Addison shook her head. "Nope, one of the interns gave him that nickname, and it seems to have created a fad of giving people nicknames starting with Mc." Addison sighed again and raked her hands through her red hair. "I can't do it this way, I'm sorry, I just can't. I'm not just a spectator, I was there, I can't talk about it like it's a joke. Sure, to lots of people it is, and I've been the source of close to endless entertainment, but I can't do it right now." Savvy nodded sympathetically.
"Derek and I…we had grown apart. I think everybody knew it, but nobody wanted to believe it, and nobody really quite could believe it because we had been Derek and Addison for so long. And then one night…I…I don't know what happened. I was lonely and, before you ask, sober, and Mark was there, and Derek wasn't, and it just sort of happened. I think I had known that Mark had feelings for me for a while, but I'm not sure. Then Derek walks in, and he sees us, and he just looks at me—he doesn't shout, he doesn't throw things, he just looks at me, and walks away calmly, and then he leaves for Seattle.
"I lived with Mark for two months, which you knew, and I got pregnant with Mark's child. I wasn't even going to tell him, but then I did, and he went out and bought a calendar and marked the due date, and then he tried to convince me that he would be a good father. He wouldn't have been a good father, Savvy, and I wanted to have a baby with Derek, so I aborted the baby. I never, even for one second, assumed that things would work out the way they did."
Savvy squeezed Addison's hand comfortingly, but Addison just looked ahead calmly. To Savvy, it seemed almost as if she had gotten so used to telling this story that she had become detached from it in almost the same way the people are when they talk about a movie.
"I knew Mark was having relations with other women, but I was so desperate to think that I hadn't thrown my life away that I pretended to ignore it—and then I got a call from Richard. He told me that my husband was in Seattle, working at Seattle Grace, and that he was dating some young intern. So I went to Seattle to try to win Derek back. I knew almost instantly that it was too late, but I wasn't able to be the bigger person and admit it, so Derek and I stayed together for a year. I loved—love—Derek, but I knew he was in love with Meredith…" Addison trailed off.
"Then Prom," Savvy said softly—Mark had told her what had happened, though he hadn't even been there for the event. Mark had always had a way of learning gossip.
"Prom," Addison said, her voice detached. "Derek and Meredith, the same night that Denny died, Derek and Meredith…and then the next morning I found her panties in the pocket of Derek's tux. That was when I knew our marriage was over, and I got drunk, and I called Mark out, and then he wouldn't leave and took a job at Seattle Grace."
"Oh, Addie," Savvy said, and hugged her friend, who was still struggling to not break down.
"He didn't try to make our marriage work, Savvy," Addison whispered, a single tear escaping her eye and rolling down her face. "He wanted to be with Meredith, and only stayed with me to fulfill some sort of need to be a good person, to do the right thing, even though he didn't want to. The whole time we were married in Seattle, he couldn't keep his eyes off her, and I pretended that it didn't bother me that much, but it hurt."
"I'm sorry," Savvy whispered, unsure of what to say, because what do you tell your best friend when something like this happens? How do you apologize for not being there when your friend needed you the most, even if it was because you were undergoing surgery and live across the continent? Is there ever a correct thing to say?
"No…no, that's not the problem," Addison said so softly it was almost impossible to hear. She didn't want to lay this burden on her friend, but she simply couldn't keep it to herself any longer, could no longer do this alone and pretend to be okay. "Derek told me he loved me. A few months ago, well after the divorce, Derek showed up at my house and told me he loved me, and then again on Christmas. And when he learned the truth about when I slept with Mark the first time, that I was completely sober, and he reacted differently than I'd expected. He apologized for his behavior towards me and towards Mark, who he's treated like scum since he showed up! I just don't know what to do."
"You're not supposed to know what to do," Savvy replied reasonably, and Addison stared at her incredulously. "It wouldn't be right if you did."
Frantically wiping tears off her face, Addison couldn't help but laugh at the irony of it all. "Are you kidding?" she demanded, and Savvy shook her head. Addison continued, her voice rising though she wasn't sure who she was yelling at, who was the subject of her wrath. "He doesn't really love me…He loves Meredith. That's great for her, and she's a good person, but what did I do to deserve this? Why couldn't he have just let me go and heal on my own, without hurting me every time I start to get better? If he would just stop confusing me, I'd be able to make it better, I know I would. I'm Addison, damn it, I'm supposed to be decisive, and practical, and…not like this." Addison gestured towards herself.
"Addison, you're doing the best you can," Savvy said, not exactly sure how to comfort her friend. It was true—the Addison she had known had always been a lot more kept together, a lot less vulnerable. But, all things considered, was Addison supposed to feel bad about the way she had reacted?
Addison nodded. "And then, I'm not exactly sure how, but we became friends. Eventually I dumped Steven, not because he wasn't great, but because he wasn't right…and that same night Derek had a fight with Meredith. We met at Joe's…that's the bar across from the hospital," Addison clarified after seeing Savvy's confused expression, "…and we went back to the trailer and had…yeah." Addison blushed, embarrassed, and watched Savvy try to contain her amazement. "Its okay, reprimand me, I know, I'm a whore, I slept with Derek even though he is dating Meredith. I know, I'm a bad person, but at the time it didn't matter.
"The next morning was awkward, and then Derek told me that…that…" Addison tried to stifle a sob. "He told me that I had to go back with Mark because then he and Meredith would be able to have an okay relationship, and so that he wouldn't forever be plagued with the question 'well, what if we had tried to make it work one last time?'"
"He didn't!" Savvy exclaimed, furious. Derek was friend, but Addison would always come first.
"He did," Addison said, remarkably calm, "but, see, it gets better. Izzie Stevens paid for a patient to undergo experimental surgery to fix a horrible spine curvature because the insurance company wouldn't pay for it…remind you of anything I might have done as a resident?" Savvy nodded violently, and Addison suddenly found herself stifling laughter. "The surgery was today, right before you showed up. She lived, Savvy. Derek and Callie did the surgery and she lived. And Derek was there, you know? He was there for me in a way he hasn't been for years."
Savvy picked up her tea and took a sip, making a face because it had become cold. "Today? This happened today? Why didn't you tell me before now?" Savvy demanded.
Shrugging, Addison stood up to throw her cold tea away. "I didn't think it was important," she said.
"You didn't think it was important?" Savvy said incredulously. "You told me that you ate George's breakfast, but you didn't tell me that this had happened?"
Addison shrugged again and walked into the kitchen. "I was distracted," she said absently as she dumped her tea into the sink and watched Savvy do the same. "What do I do?" Addison asked eventually, her voice quiet and sounding almost scared, but at the same time resigned to whatever fate awaited her. "What…what do I do? I can't go on like this forever."
"Well, do you love Derek?" Savvy asked practically, though she wasn't sure if it was a completely appropriate question to ask.
"Savvy," Addison reprimanded, annoyed, before deciding to answer the question. "Do I want to love Derek? No, absolutely not," she began. "But do I love Derek? How can I not love him? He's…he's Derek…and even when he's a jerk, even when I hate him, I love him. But that doesn't mean that I won't be able to, someday, love another person. I'm not an idiot—I know I can't be stuck on Derek for the rest of my life and never move on. It's just that sometimes I feel as if perhaps Derek…I don't know…perhaps our feelings are reciprocal."
"Okay." Try as she might, Savvy didn't know how to respond. This was Addison's problem and only Addison knew what was best, only Addison knew how to solve it. Her job was to be supportive, and to stop Addison from doing anything stupid, but she couldn't make the decision for Addison.
"But what do I do?" Addison repeated.
Savvy searched for something to say. "You…" she started, but paused, "you…Well, you don't sleep with Derek while he's dating Meredith."
"You think?" was the sarcastic response. "Seriously, what do I do? I don't think there is a right answer."
"God, Addie, I don't know what to say. Only you know what the right answer is. Well, you and Derek, but if you could decide on what the right answer was then neither of you would be in this position." Savvy shrugged. "You know how I knew that I wanted to marry Weiss?" she asked suddenly. Addison looked at Savvy questioningly, and Savvy continued. "I knew that I couldn't imagine my life without him. I knew that even the thought of him not being there in ten years was as foreign as waking up with blue skin. Well, not quite that weird, but you get the picture."
Addison rinsed out the two mugs that they had used for tea, put them in the dishwasher, and started the load. She thought about what Savvy had said, and she wasn't sure if she liked her initial conclusion—she would have to think more carefully about what Savvy had said before she reached any sort of definitive answer. "So, you said that Ron slept with the neonatal surgeon in New York?" Addison asked, changing the topic.
Savvy nodded. "They were caught in a janitor's closet during sex by his wife," she said, deciding to be tactful and not mention the abrupt change of topic. If Addison didn't want to talk any more, then Savvy wasn't going to press her. She knew that Addison had opened up more in the last half hour than she probably had to anybody for over a year, since the beginning of this whole Mark-Addison-Derek-Meredith charade. Addison had never been a touchy-feely, let's-talk-about-our-emotions kind of person, and Savvy knew that she would tell more when she felt ready to. "Ron didn't even bother to lock the door!"
"I can think of two people in Seattle who don't even have grace to lock the door," Addison said bitterly. "And then when I unsuspectingly open the door to the on call room, what do I see but my ex-husband and the slutty intern? No, that's not fair," Addison reminded herself. "Meredith isn't slutty, exactly, and we've been getting alone remarkably well, so I'm not going to say anything bad about her. Either way, Ron and the surgeon?" Addison tried desperately to pretend that everything was okay.
"Oh, Addie!" Savvy exclaimed, resisting the urge to hug her best friend. Why was it that she had to go through so much? Sure, Addison had made a mistake, a horrible mistake, but she didn't deserve to have to pay the way she was. Addison glared at Savvy, who coughed and looked at the floor. "Right, Ron…" she attempted, but her voice trailed off, and she was unable to tell the rest of the story.
Addison sighed loudly. "Let's just go to bed," she suggested, and Savvy nodded gratefully. "We can talk in the morning, when we're not tired and everything seems happier," she suggested. Savvy nodded, and they walked to their bedrooms in silence.
Right outside her bedroom, Savvy turned around to face Addison. "I'm not going to take responsibility for what happened, but I messed up too," Savvy said suddenly.
"What do you mean?" Addison questioned, curiously.
"I knew…I mean, I didn't know, but I suspected…I suspected that perhaps things weren't right between you and Derek. I could have intervened back when it would have done some good; I could have pointed it out to Derek that he was spending more time at the hospital than with you. I could have pointed out to you that you and Derek needed to fix it. I couldn't have done anything, and yet I could have done something."
Addison looked at her hands. "You couldn't have done anything, Savvy. I did what I did, and I have to live with it. It wasn't your fault."
"No, it wasn't," Savvy agreed. "But my mother was sick for so long, and her health was deteriorating, and I was preoccupied. If it had been any other time, I would have done something, but it wasn't any other time, and…"
"You couldn't have changed what happened, Savvy," Addison said, her voice deadpan, because though part of her knew it was true, the other half of her had wondered before if Savvy had said something, would everything have stopped between Derek and her before it became too late.
"We'll never know," Savvy said with a shrug, "But that doesn't stop me from feeling guilty for not trying." With that, Savvy entered her bedroom and shut the door, leaving Addison to walk down the hall to her own room. It took Addison about five minutes to get ready for bed and, though prior to getting in bed she had not felt tired, the second she lay down she felt exhausted. She was asleep within minutes.
In the morning, Addison woke up to the sound of her alarm clock. Groaning, she got out of bed, showered, blow-dried her hair, and went downstairs to see what there was for breakfast. Upon entering the kitchen, Addison was startled to see Savvy, Callie, and George all sitting around the table in her eat-in kitchen eating eggs and toast. "Who cooked?" Addison asked, helping herself to a piece of toast and eggs, more out of politeness than actual hunger.
"Savvy," Callie and George answered simultaneously, causing Addison and Savvy to laugh.
"You didn't have to get up this early, you know," Addison informed her friend, who was already dressed and looked ready to start her day. "It's only six forty and we have work, but you're on vacation."
Savvy shrugged. "I wanted to get a ride to the hospital," she said simply. "I have to catch up with Derek and Mark."
Addison sat down at the table and made a noise that on a less attractive woman might have been considered a snort. "Well, good luck with that," she said sarcastically, causing the other three people at the table to look at her. "What?" she demanded. "It's true. Mark's…well, he's Mark, and he's too busy terrorizing interns to talk. Derek will just pretend you're invisible."
"Mark will talk to me," Savvy said confidently, "And it doesn't matter if Derek talks or not, because I plan to yell. He has a few things that he is accountable for that he seems to not want to take responsibility for…plus there is something personal I need to ask him about…" she said vaguely. After a small pause and a questioning look from Addison she added, "Plus Weiss wants to know why he never calls, and Nancy wants him to know that if he doesn't visit soon, she's coming to Seattle. I figure that will get a response out of him."
Callie regarded Savvy curiously. "You don't seem like the yelling, scary type," she remarked absently.
"You have no idea," Addison laughed. "She's not, but when she gets mad enough to yell she's a force to be reckoned with."
George rolled his eyes. "Completely unlike you," he muttered, receiving two amused stare and one annoyed one.
"I am your boss, you know," Addison reminded George, who became visibly paler. "I was joking," she informed him, and he attempted to act as if he had known it all along, failing miserably. After a few more minutes, Addison decided that she had to leave to get to the hospital. She drove Savvy over to the hospital, since Savvy insisted that was where she wanted to go before she went sight-seeing (besides, nothing is open at seven). Addison showed Savvy where she could find Derek when he got to work, and then went to get an intern and check on her patients, leaving Savvy standing around, waiting for Derek.
Savvy waited for a half hour before deciding to get coffee. Just after adding milk to her coffee, she saw Derek hugging who she could only assume was Meredith, the slutty intern. Derek looked at her twice to make sure that he had seen the right person, before going up to her, Meredith a few steps behind. "Savvy," he said, giving her a big hug, "I hadn't expected you to be here…at the hospital…so early."
"I couldn't sleep," she said with a shrug, before tilting her head and looking at Derek. "You must be Meredith," she said, addressing the intern, who nodded. "I'm Savvy."
"Nice to meet you," Meredith said, holding out her hand, which Savvy shook.
Turning to Derek, Savvy gave him a pointed look. "How have you been?" she asked him, and he gave some noncommittal answer about being happy and glad to see her. "Listen, Derek, I really think we need to talk."
"I don't think now is the time, Savvy," Derek said evasively. "I'm at work, and there are things to do, and…"
"Derek…we need to talk," Savvy said forcefully. Seeing that she wasn't welcome right now, Meredith politely excused herself and left the two alone. "Where do people go here when they want to yell?" Savvy demanded, and Derek groaned.
"There is no need…" he began, but was cut off by Savvy.
"If you don't find me a place without people, I'll yell here with everybody watching. I don't care—I'm never going to see most of these people again my life, and those that I will see again like me enough that it won't matter. I'm going to take a guess, though, and say that you're not moving anytime soon, so if you don't want everybody here to be talking about you for months to come, find me a place where I can yell!" Savvy demanded, her voice getting louder. Had Savvy not been so deathly serious, Derek would have thought it amusing that a woman as pretty and contained looking as Savvy could be so threatening.
Derek rolled his eyes, but led Savvy in total silence half-way across the hospital to a wing that seemed to be deserted. "Savvy…" he began, but Savvy stopped him.
"Derek, you've been my friend for years, but Addie will always come first," she began. "You two…God, I don't know what to say to either of you, especially you, Derek. Addie made mistakes, but you didn't try to reconcile with her when she tried. You know what, though, that's in the past. You cannot keep on doing to Addison what you are doing now, Derek."
"She told you? About when Meredith and I had the fight, and we met and Joe's and…"
"Yes," Savvy said sharply. "Derek, whatever happens between you two is not any of my business, but Addison is my best friend, and you have to stop hurting her like this. If you…want… her, and she's still willing to be with you despite your behavior, that's great, but you can't keep telling her that you love her, and then going off with Meredith. It's not fair to either of them—not Meredith, and certainly not Addison. When I came to see you two last, you had a decision to make—Addison or the intern—and I thought you had made it, but it is clear that you never made that decision, just put it on hold…or else, Addison put it on hold. The point is that you have a decision to make, and—"
Derek resisted the urge to laugh. "Savvy, I know. I've made my decision, okay? I know what I have to do, and I know that I've messed up. I love Addison, okay? I love her, and I know what I should do…what I have to do…what I'm going to do…but I just need a minute to think about it. I promise, the decision has already been made, and I've been an idiot to not see it sooner. Can't you just…" Derek ran his hand through his hair. "Why is everybody always on Addison's side?" he demanded suddenly. "Even some of my own family is on Addison's side!"
Savvy put her hand on top of Derek's. "I know she made mistakes, and she knows she made mistakes. God, she knows that she's made mistakes better than everybody else. Right now, though, it's you. I'm just warning you that, if you love her even the smallest bit, you have to stop going after her unless you want to try in earnest."
Nodding, Derek sighed. "I know," he said before, with fake enthusiasm, changing the subject. "How's Weiss?"
"He's good, but he wishes that you'd start answering his calls," Savvy replied, and Derek blushed visibly. "Oh!" she said, suddenly reminded of one of the reasons she had to talk to Derek. "Nancy says that if you don't visit her soon, she's going to come out to Seattle with your mother."
Derek groaned. "Perfect…Just what I need amidst all of this."
"I hate to sound critical, but you're hardly a martyr in this situation," Savvy snapped. She opened her mouth to say more, but stopped suddenly when she saw a familiar blonde intern walking very quickly down the hall, a look of embarrassment on her face, as if she had heard too much for her own comfort. Once the intern was gone, Savvy turned to Derek again. "Please, Derek, just don't hurt her any more. If Meredith is the one, fine, but let her go on with her life."
"Why are you telling me this?" Derek said softly, a look of both sadness and terror on his face.
"Because she won't," Savvy said simply. The two stood in silence for a moment, before Derek said that he had to go check on some patients, and Savvy insisted that she had to find Mark, because she hadn't had a chance to catch up with him yet. Derek pitied Mark, if for Mark "catching up" with Savvy was anything like his experience catching up with her.