Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy. I also don't own the first part of the title of this chapter, and I don't own the lyrics in italics at the bottom of the page. It all comes from a song by Ingrid Michaelson called "Keep Breathing".
A/N: I'm so sorry for the long wait! I had tests, term papers, finals, and writers block. It took me forever to write this and, still, it's a bit short. Please forgive me for the wait and, trust me, you do not want to read what I wrote before this. Good news is that, now that I'm officially on summer break, the updates will get a lot more frequent. I'm warning you, though, this story is almost over. I thought about ending it here, but there are one or two more things I want to happen. Either way, the end is in sight in one of the next few chapters. There might be a sequel, though…depends on how many reviews I get, and how much enthusiasm there is at the idea. Please, please, please review and forgive me for abandoning you guys!
Keep Breathing (Unexpected Relief)
Addison stared through the half-closed blinds at Heather, Izzie's patient with VADAR syndrome, smiling and talking with her mother. Though she knew that she shouldn't be staring, Addison couldn't bring herself to look away. Heather and her mother looked so happy, so full of new prospects and promises of a future. Addison leaned her head against the glass of the window, oblivious to the rest of the world, just watching them. Though she had never actually spoken to Heather, she took some sort of perverse pleasure in watching her.
A voice startled her out of her daydream. "Addison," the voice said, and Addison knew without even bothering to turn around that it was Derek speaking. When she didn't respond, Derek took her by the shoulder and gently turned her around. "Addison," he repeated, his tone slightly impatient, until he saw the expression on her face. "Are you okay?" he asked, worried.
"Yeah," she responded, nodded, and turned back around to look at Heather. "I'm fine, thanks," she muttered without looking at Derek, who pulled her gently away from the window, and stared at her. "Really, I'm fine. It's just that watching her…" Addison trailed off.
Derek nodded understandingly. "I get it," he informed her, reaching out to squeeze her hand. "Heather is the way things could have turned out for Jeremy. Had he lived through the surgery, watching him would have been like watching Heather now."
Addison nodded, staring intently at the wall behind Derek so that she wouldn't have to look him in the eyes. "Yeah," she said softly with a sigh. "I don't regret it, Derek, it isn't that. I just can't help but think that my actions caused him to lose what little time he had left. I can't help but think that I was responsible. I know, I'm over it…I was over it…" Addison couldn't bring herself to lie to Derek about this. "Damn it!" she exclaimed vehemently, "I was fine until this happened."
"Addison, you gave him hope for the future," Derek reasoned, trying to comfort Addison, though he knew there would never be any real comfort on this subject.
"He could have had months, Derek. Months!" Addison exclaimed, her voice cracking.
"I know," Derek muttered. "I'm sorry, Addie." Tears stung Addison's eyes, and she tried to keep from crying since she was standing in the middle of a hallway in the hospital. Without a word, she turned and walked away from Derek, away from Heather, to a place where she could be alone. Luckily for her, given the late hour, the on call room was empty, and Addison sat heavily down on one of the bottom bunk beds.
Though she had expected to cry, once she was sitting down in the room without any lights on, Addison simply stared at the wall across from her and didn't cry. After a minute, she heard footsteps outside, and the door opened. Simultaneously praying that it wasn't anybody she knew, because she didn't want them to see her like this, and that it wasn't somebody she didn't know, since she wouldn't want anybody she didn't know really well to see her like this, Addison turned away from the door.
The footsteps walked over to the bed which she was sitting on, and sat down next to her. "Addison, are you okay?" Derek's voice asked her, and she turned to face him.
"Do I look okay?" Addison demanded angrily. "No, I'm not okay. This whole thing with Heather is exhausting. Savvy's trip was thought-provoking and enjoyable, yet emotionally strenuous. Your relatives want me to go meet Kathleen's new baby, my new nephew…only, I guess he's not technically a nephew since we're no longer married. Every time I speak to my parents they want to know if I've started dating again because, you know, I'm not getting any younger. I'm not getting any sleep because, despite the fact that Callie's bedroom is across the floor, she and George are too goddamn loud when they make love and, even Callie and George inflict themselves upon Izzie and Meredith, I can't sleep because of this thing happening between us."
Biting his lip in order to stifle a laugh, Derek tilted his head and looked at Addison. He hadn't been sure before, but looking at a tired, heartbroken, sleep deprived, argumentative Addison, he knew she was the one he loved. He could name thousands of reasons for why he should stay with Meredith, but then again, he could do the same for Addison. In the end, this wasn't about picking and choosing, it wasn't about decisions, or lists of pros and cons of life with each person, it was about who he loved…and it was Addison.
"Addie, I'm sorry," Derek whispered, and he saw her shoulders shake with silent sobs. "Please, please don't cry, Addie." Addison leaned against Derek's shoulder, and was soon pulled into an embrace. She knew it was wrong, she knew she was being weak, and she hated the fact that she couldn't bring herself to pull away and demand that Derek leave but, as she clung to Derek and cried, everything felt all right again.
When Addison was calm, she pulled away from Derek's hug. "What are we doing?" she demanded warily. "I can't do this anymore, even if it is what I want most at this moment. Tomorrow, when I'm all alone again, and you're with Meredith—and I'm not begrudging you, I'm just stating a fact—I'm going to wonder why I set myself up to get hurt all over again."
"You're not going to get hurt all over again," Derek whispered, and Addison looked at him questioningly. "I'm breaking it off with Meredith."
For an instant Addison wanted to make Derek promise to remain with Meredith, but she was unable to voice the protests she knew she should make. The worse part was that she wanted to hate herself for not making Derek promise to stay with Meredith, especially after all she had worked to achieve, but was unable to feel anything other than relief. "Are you sure?" she finally managed to utter.
"I'm positive," Derek said with conviction. "I've been a jerk, and the result is that I've hurt you, and now I'm going to have to hurt Meredith. I should have listened to advice—yours, Bailey's, Miranda's…even Mark's—but I was too stubborn. You know me…I don't like to admit when I'm wrong."
"You weren't wrong about Meredith," Addison finally forced herself to say, because she was finally calm enough to know that she would berate herself for years to come if she didn't say anything.
Derek nodded, and Addison's heart was filled with dread. "I wasn't wrong about Meredith," he repeated. "I was wrong about you, though. I don't know what happened in New York. I messed up, you messed up, Mark messed up. We all made mistakes, and as a consequence all we've done is hurt each other. The worst part is that the one person who didn't mess up in New York, the one person who tried to do the right thing when she learned I was married even though it hurt her, Meredith, is going to get hurt."
"Then why are you doing this to her?" Addison whispered.
"Because it's what I have to do. I love you, Addison, and if you will forgive me, then perhaps we could try starting over. Either way, Meredith isn't the one, and prolonging the inevitable will just make it more painful."
"Okay," Addison said softly. "Then this is it. This is what the last two years have boiled down to. That's just perfect."
Derek looked at Addison peculiarly. "Are you mad at me for saying that I'm going to break up with Meredith?" he asked, confused.
"If you actually do it, I'm not mad. If you're just telling me this now to temporarily comfort me, then I'm furious. If you actually mean it, then I'm…relieved. I'm relieved." And, to her horror, Addison knew it was the truth. She didn't want to be relieved. She wanted to be angry, or happy, or confused, or apprehensive. She did not want to feel relieved.
With a half-smile, Derek stood up from the bottom bunk which they had been sitting on, and shifted nervously from foot to foot. "Well, I have to go," Derek told Addison, who nodded. "I'll talk to you later, and then we can discuss what is going to happen…to us?" he asked tentatively, relieved when he saw her nod, though he knew that he would have gone through with it even if Addison had declared that she never wanted to speak to her again. Savvy had made him see that, though he suspected that she had just sped up the process of his own conclusion.
Derek walked to the door, opened it, and closed it gently behind him as he left, leaving Addison alone in the dark. Addison sat there, perfectly still, for a moment, before realizing that she was crying. She had achieved everything she had wanted since the second she had come to Seattle and, now that she had finally achieved it, it seemed much less desirable.
No, she wasn't regretting the fact that she loved Derek, and she wasn't regretful that Derek had finally decided to give "them" a real try. She was happy and relieved, and to Addison that was unexpected. She had expected anger, happiness, confusion, anxiety, anticipation for the future. She hadn't expected to feel numb with relief, and the intensity of the emotion scared her.
Exhausted, Addison took off her high-healed shoes and, wishing she was wearing scrubs, got under the covers of the bed in the on call room. The material was scratchy, her designer clothing was going to get wrinkled, and she knew that she would probably snag her pantyhose, reasons she had previously listed for either never sleeping under the covers in on call rooms, and reasons she had listed for only wearing scrubs to bed in an on call room. Now, however, the escape of sleep proved helpful enough that none of that mattered in the least to Addison.
Meredith sat on a couch in the E.R. waiting room, staring at the wall, waiting for Derek to get downstairs after his surgery, and thinking. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Derek come up to her. "Hey," she addressed him, and he smiled absently at her. "Is there something on your mind?" she questioned. "I know I don't have the strongest record with communication, but you look worried." Derek shrugged absently, clearly having only heard about half of what she had just said. "Derek?" she questioned.
"Yeah," Derek said, snapping out of his thoughts and back to the E.R. waiting room. "I'm just…preoccupied. It's been a long day."
"Do you want to talk about it?" Meredith asked, nervously brushing a piece of hair out of her face.
Derek shook his head. "No. Not here, not now."
"Does it have anything to do with the visit of Addison's friend, Savvy? I don't think she's the biggest fan of me, but she seems nice enough, which isn't surprising, given she is Addison's friend, and Addison is painfully nice. You've been really distant since she showed up, and you've avoided me, so I figured she brought some sort of disturbing news from New York." Meredith looked at the peculiar look on Derek's face. "This doesn't have to do with Addison, does it?" Meredith wondered aloud, jokingly.
"No! Of course not! What would give you that idea?" Derek said quickly…too quickly. He wasn't ready, he hadn't wanted to do this at the hospital, and he had wanted to prepare her first. From his tone of voice, Meredith knew that something was not right, and she had a sinking suspicion she knew what it was.
"Derek, what did you do?" demanded Meredith angrily.
"Meredith, I'm so sorry," Derek said bleakly. "I don't want to keep secrets any longer, but I'm so, so sorry. Remember when we had that stupid fight because, in my sleep, I said I loved Addison? Well, we met at Joe's, and one thing led to another, and…and I'm so sorry, Meredith. I never meant to hurt you like this. I'm so sorry."
"Sorry that you slept with her, or sorry that you hurt me?" Meredith demanded, though she knew the answer already.
Derek faltered. "I'm just sorry—" he began, but she cut him off.
"No, you're not," she said with an uncharacteristic lack of emotion. "You're sorry you hurt me, but you're not sorry about what happened with Addison." Derek stared at Meredith blankly, and Meredith knew she had four options. She could tell Derek it was okay, and they could back to their failing relationship, pretending all was okay like they had before. She could scream and cry and make Derek feel horrible before making him beg for her to take him back. She could scream and cry and bitch and make Derek feel horrible before breaking up with him. Or she could, for once, be the bigger person and walk away. She was sick of being needy, whiney Meredith.
"Meredith, I don't know what to say," Derek said softly, sadly.
"Don't say anything, then," Meredith advised calmly. "I get it. You love Addison. Derek, you don't have to feel guilty about what happened. It wasn't going to work out between us…we always had some problem or other. This time you don't have to feel like you have some obligation to me. I'm walking away, Derek."
"I'm so, so sorry," Derek repeated, tears coming to his eyes but, to his horror, they were more out of relief than feelings of sorrow that his relationship with Meredith is over. True, it almost killed him to hurt Meredith like this again, but sometimes you just had to do things, no matter how brutal they might seem at the time. No, what scared him was not his feelings of sorrow, it was his feelings of relief. He hadn't expected relief.
"You should feel sorry that you couldn't make up your mind and hurt Addison, but don't worry about me. I'll heal, I'll mend, and then I'll be better than ever. It didn't work out with us, Derek, but you set the bar for all future men. You shouldn't feel guilty about what happened." Meredith wanted to cry, but restrained herself from showing her emotions.
"Thank you," Derek whispered, stepping forward and hugging Meredith briefly, the way one would hug their friend, or perhaps relative. Though Meredith had expected it to hurt when their relationship was over, she wasn't prepared for the pain of Derek thanking her for walking away. Perhaps some optimistic part of her had always assumed that Derek wouldn't walk away, even if she did. Perhaps part of her had assumed that it couldn't really be over, until Derek had thanked her for ending it.
A single tear fell down Meredith's cheek, but she brushed it away quickly. "Addison is a truly good person," Meredith began, her voice choked. "Don't hurt her again." Without bothering to look and see what Derek's reaction was, Meredith turned around and walked away. She needed a place to go and cry. Twenty minutes ago, even if in the back of her mind she had known her relationship with Derek was failing, it wasn't truly over, and with that there was hope. Now it was over for good, and she was left with nothing but the knowledge that she had done the right thing, the adult thing. The thing Addison would have done, though it pained Meredith to admit it.
One thing Meredith knew for sure was that, if Addison had felt anything like this after losing Derek, even if she had already known that he was lost, she wouldn't wish that on Addison again for the world. She definitely wasn't Addison's biggest fan, but she understood Addison on some fundamental level in a way she couldn't understand even Christina. If Addison could pull through this, if Addison could learn to go on with her life, then Meredith could too, and at least that thought gave Meredith hope.
Calmly, in a way she had seen Addison walk for months, but in a way that she had never anticipated following, Meredith calmly walked to her car, got in it, and drove home. The lights were on, and when she entered she could hear Izzie and George laughing in the living room. For a second, Meredith considered avoiding them and going straight to her room, but decided against it.
"Hey!" Izzie and George greeted her simultaneously when she entered the living room. Meredith sat down heavily in the middle of the couch between Izzie and George.
"I broke up with Derek," she said emotionlessly, and when her friends stared at her, she attempted to smile. "It's no big deal…what were you talking about?"
"Why?" George asked Meredith, who shrugged.
"He loved Addison, though I'm not sure if he was sure until I pointed it out to him. But he had a pretty good idea, and I think Addison's friend Savvy told him off for his behavior, or something. He couldn't keep hurting Addison the way he has been because, even if she is Satan, she doesn't deserve that sort of treatment. Plus, I didn't want to date somebody who only wanted to be with me because being with me meant that they hadn't made the biggest mistake of their lives. Plus, he wanted to break up with me, but wasn't going to do it because he didn't want to hurt me. He shouldn't have to feel guilty for loving Addison, because it isn't his fault."
Izzie stared at Meredith. Half of her was in disbelief that Meredith and Derek had broken up, but the other half of her knew that perhaps it was inevitable. She had overheard enough of the conversation between Derek and Savvy to have some idea about what had happened between Derek and Addison; furthermore, she knew that Addison loved Derek. "Are you okay?" Izzie asked Meredith, hugging her.
"I'm good," Meredith said, as if she said it every day. Izzie almost wanted to cry when she heard those words come out of Meredith's mouth—they were the same words that she had told people for weeks after Denny's death, the same words that she had Addison claim practically every day since her divorce with Derek.
Derek opened the door to the on call room quietly, as to not wake anybody who might be inside. Upon seeing Addison sleeping, Derek smiled a little, and climbed into the bunk bed above her, exclaiming out of pain when he hit his knee hard into the metal post of the bed as he climbed up. "Derek?" a groggy voice asked, "Is that you?"
"Yeah," he said.
Addison turned over, Derek lay down in the bunk bed, and there was silence. After an amount of time long enough for Derek to assume that Addison had fallen asleep, Addison whispered, "Are you okay?"
"I'm not sure," Derek replied.
"Me too," Addison agreed. "I'm relieved, and it scares me."
Derek nodded, though he knew that there was no way Addison could see it. "Yeah, well, me too," he told her. There was another long silence, broken only by the sound of Addison turning over in her bed restlessly. After several turns, she gave up and got out of bed. Careful not to break any of Derek's belongings that he had left on the floor, Addison climbed into the top bunk and lay next to Derek. Gently, as if they would do this every day for the rest of their lives, Derek put his arm around Addison, and they lay silently, finally drifting off to sleep. For one moment, both let down their guard, and allowed themselves to be happy without any thoughts of how they would go on tomorrow.
The storm is coming but I don't mind,
People are dying, I close my blinds,
All that I know is I'm breathing now.
I want to change the world -- Instead I sleep.
I want to believe in more than you and me,
But all that I know is I'm breathing.
All I can do is keep breathing,
All we can do is keep breathing,
Now...