Chapter Forty: The Final Showdown

By the time we were up and moving, we had to check out of the hotel. We were still both mutually uncommunicative with each other. Blue Eyes agreed to forfeit Madame Tussaud's this trip in order to head back to Princeton. I packed up my tiger-striped nightie. We quietly ate breakfast and silently boarded an early train. Blue Eyes called Jim, who agreed to meet us.

Blue Eyes pretended sleep for the entirety of the trip, and I didn't disrupt him. When we disembarked, Jim waited with a friendly smile.

"How was the great weekend?" Jim asked congenially.

I smiled weakly and asked him to drop me at the hospital so I could spend some time with Zelda.

"Do you want to stop at the hospital, too, House?" Jim asked.

Blue Eyes shook his head.

Jim looked, uneasily, to me. I said, "It's okay, Jim. I'll call a cab to get home."

He offered, "I can come back and get you when you're ready. Just call."

I thanked him, knowing I wouldn't trouble him.

When I exited at the hospital, Blue Eyes, was silent. He was thinking.

I fed Zelda and then just held her, waiting for her to fall asleep. I jumped, startled, and nearly dropped her when Dr. Chase took her from me.

"It's close to midnight. You're going to have to go home, or we're going to have to admit you," he said with his beautiful smile.

I was shaken. What if I had dropped her while I was napping? "Is she okay?"

Dr. Chase nodded. "A nurse had her eye on you. Audra, can we talk?"

I nodded obediently.

"Having her at home is going to be much different than just visiting her here. We'll do everything we can to prepare you and provide support, but you need to realize you're her mum. She's coming home with you very soon." He stopped, running his hand through his sunny, blonde hair. "I was thinking, if it works for you, February 25th might be a good day for her to check out of here? Her two month birthday."

I smiled with inexpressible joy, but the apprehension that clenched my intestines was very real. I wanted her for sure, but I was scared as hell.

"Dr. Chase, do you think, I mean, I don't know much about babies . . ." I stuttered idiotically.

He squatted beside me and squeezed my arm. "You're going to be fine. You love her – that's really the most important part, don't you think?"

I did love her. Having her safely ensconced in the NICU had relieved me of normal parental chores and responsibilities, but as I saw her change with every passing day, I longed to have her at home, under my motherly eye. With the same energy that frightened me, I ached to be her primary caregiver. Whether I would fail or succeed, the time to put it to the test seemed near.

My eyes were damp when I turned to Dr. Chase. "She'll be healthy?"

"She may have some problems – not unusual for preemies – but, if her current health is any indication, she should do quite well. And, should anything come up, House is always a great resource."

House, Blue Eyes, the creature from the deep – no matter the name, the persona was still intimidating.

"Do you want me to call him to come get you? Or did you drive?" the overly helpful doctor asked.

"I hate to bother you, but if you could call me a cab . . ."

He stood up and stretched his legs. "I'm on my way out, Audra. I'd be happy to give you a lift."

I hesitated, but as I struggled to stand, I realized my legs were numb from sitting. Dr. Chase helped me to my feet. "Would it be out of your way?" I asked him.

"Not in the least," he replied as he pulled on a coat and wrapped a scarf around his throat.

We traveled, silently, to his car. He helped me into my seat before walking around to his. I felt an overwhelming gratitude to him for everything.

"Dr. Chase, were you ever offended by my brother, Greg?" I asked as he started his car.

"Initially, I resented his flirtation with Allison, but now I know how she feels, I understand. It's not that I think your brother did anything improper – it just wasn't what I wanted."

"Apparently, in the end, it wasn't what he wanted, either," I replied.

"Your brother is an interesting contrast to House. Granted, the circumstances of their disabilities are different, and Greg has had a long time to come to terms with his situation, unlike House, but he handles it so well . . ."

I glanced over at Dr. Chase's face. "Do you feel its odd Dr. Cameron would want to be with him?"

Dr. Chase laughed nervously and flipped his hair again. "It's not that Greg isn't attractive, but the disability, well, it must, I think, require some sort of accommodation."

"Are you suggesting Dr. Cameron isn't capable of making those accommodations?" I asked a tad rudely.

Again, Dr. Chase ran his hand through his golden hair. "It's not a question of being capable or willing," he finally answered. "But I wonder, why make those accommodations if you don't have to?"

My stare bore into him. "So, stay with a non-disabled man because he requires no extra effort?"

He shook his head, and I could tell he was uncomfortable. "No, that's not it at all. Accommodations are necessary for everyone, regardless of their physical abilities. You know that – you have been with House. My curiosity, if you want to call it that, is more about why Allison would choose to be with someone, well, someone she didn't know well. Someone with whom she had no understanding. I tried . . ."

My visage softened. Dr. Chase wasn't being unkind; he was expressing his feelings of rejection. "Dr. Chase, if Dr. Cameron was interested in my brother, it was obviously a fleeting thing. I suspect your feelings for her are more substantial. And her feelings for Blue Eyes, House, are just misconstrued. Sometimes, with women, it takes them a while to see what has been loitering in front of their face for ages. And, sometimes, if the man is willing to be patient and nonjudgmental, he will be rewarded. Sometimes."

I then laid my head back and listened to the eighties' radio station he had playing while we wound our way to my home.

There was no sign of Blue Eyes at the townhouse, but I was too fatigued to care. I slept fitfully, waking early. I scurried to the hospital and, then, to the university. I discovered Dr. Jacobs had requested a meeting with me as soon as I got in.

When I entered his office, his face was stern, showing none of the exuberance and hyperactivity I normally associated with him. He began brusquely.

"I thought about what you told me, Audra, about David's textbook. I couldn't figure out what he had in mind, or why he was acting in such a secretive manner. Well, I investigated, and the result isn't pleasant. For one, he contracted with an outside publisher; we don't mind that, but it is in everyone's contract to give our own press the first option on any manuscript. I have a friend at the publishing house he is using, so I managed to garner a peak at his textbook. You're not going to be happy at what I learned." Still dour-faced, Joel handed me a sheaf of papers.

Joel was right; I was not at all pleased with what I saw. The exercises in David's proposed textbook were almost identical to the writing modules I had been using with my online courses. Any attempt to disguise them was minimal.

I looked up at Joel, an expression of horror on my face. "He can't use this – this is my material," I blurted.

He nodded. "It gets even a bit more sinister. He's agreed to go to press with this in a few weeks, which would interfere with any textbook you composed. Once he has this copyrighted in his name, he would have the upper hand. A lawsuit, of course, would follow, but it could take years to have it successfully settled. In the mean time, he'd be selling your material."

"So, what can I do?"

"I have a meeting with him this afternoon. I'm going to do my best to end this immediately. My friend at his publishing house was quite concerned to learn there might be a problem with plagiarism, so I'm sure I can put a halt to any publication. My bigger problem is what to do with David. He has tenure. I'm going to try to persuade him to leave of his own accord, with a healthy bonus from us. We'll just have to see how things go."

I talked with Joel a bit longer about David's unethical behavior in addition to some other concerns I was having. When I finally left Joel's office, I was distracted and anxious to speak to Blue Eyes about it.

Cindy and Troy, naturally, wanted to hear about the weekend. I raved about the plays; no one can write the way Tom Stoppard does, and they were transfixed as I recounted the high points. After entertaining them for a bit, I sequestered myself in my office and called Blue Eyes. He agreed to meet me for lunch at the townhouse. I promised to bring Indian food as an enticement.

When he came in the townhouse, he was quiet and brooding. He served his plate and sat opposite me at the table.

"When were you planning to tell me you are moving back to Auburn?"

I nearly choked on a piece of naan, sputtering and hacking like I was about to die. He just watched me, his eyes frigid and impassive. "How?" I croaked.

He leaned back from the table, never moving his eyes from my face. "I talked to Ph.d. guy today. He told me, although I gather you hadn't told him. Universities apparently harbor as much gossip as hospitals."

"David's been stealing my writing materials," I whispered. "He's submitted them to a different publisher, trying to get a book out before I can ready my own manuscript. Dr. Jacobs is going to force him to leave." I stopped. I stared at him for a few minutes. "Why did you call David?"

He shrugged. "I wanted to know why he was with Stacy."

"You know he took Stacy to upset me. But isn't Stacy a grown woman? Isn't she capable of managing her own dates without your interference?" The more I talked, the angrier I became.

"You upset her. There's no telling what she might have done after that. I needed to let that guy know he couldn't use her so carelessly."

"You needed? Are you insane? The only thing you need to do is to leave Stacy the hell alone," I yelled.

Blue Eyes leaned across the table. "You're straying from the significant topic. When were you going to tell me you were moving?"

I stood up and turned to gaze into the backyard, talking to him over my shoulder. "I was offered a wonderful job at Auburn. I wasn't supposed to give them an answer until today." I turned around to look at him. "I told Dr. Jacobs about the offer. I asked Auburn for a month to make my final decision, and I gave Dr. Jacobs a month to come up with a comparable offer. The truth is that I really don't want to leave here – or, at least, I didn't."

He glanced away and said, "Why don't you want to leave here?"

I flapped my arms like some injured, ungraceful bird. "Because of you, you big idiot. But we need to discuss this, both of us." I placed my palms on the table and shoved my face right over his plate. "You know I've spent my whole life taking care of other people, but I'm not sure you truly realize how much of myself I lost in others. You do know I didn't want a baby; you, of all people, know what a struggle it was to even accept the possibility of having a child. I don't guess I'm supposed to admit it out loud, but I still have ambivalent emotions at times. Part of me wants to chuck the whole parenting bit and just, finally, live for me. For only me. However, when it gets right down it, I can't do that. Zelda is the most important person in my life, and being her mother is my most important job. My first priority has to be raising her. Nothing, and I mean not-a-single-thing, can infringe on her life. That includes you, Blue Eyes. And I don't think you're used to playing second fiddle. I'm not sure you're going to want to continue in this makeshift relationship if you're not top dog."

"So, what is your question?"

I walked away from the table. I felt defeated. I sat back in my chair. "My questions are: Do you want me to stay here? Do you want to continue seeing me once Zelda is out of the hospital and living here – requiring my time and attention and love? Can you abide another person needing me? And, for Christ's sake, can you leave Succubus alone?"

His face remained hard and set. "I think you should go on back to Auburn. It's where you feel at home. Where you're comfortable. It would be best."

"You god dammed shithead," I screamed. "You will not push me away to avoid confronting the realities of relationships and people and children and love. Do you, you cocksucking idiot, love me? And don't give me the rock-in-the-shoe analogy again. Yes or no."

His eyes were as dark as midnight. He glanced around the room, looking at everything except me. When he moved to get up, I panicked.

"No, goddamn it. You will not walk out on me. You will not hide behind your ex-girlfriend, your missing thigh muscle, your vicodin, your misanthropic alienation. I deserve an answer, and I insist on an answer now," I continued as I moved in front of him.

Finally, he looked back into my eyes. "I haven't said this in years, and saying it has never brought about anything good. I'm not sure I can handle being a father to Zelda; I'm pretty certain I can't live with the two of you. Not full-time. And as for Stacy, I can only say I don't want her the way I want you."

Again, I asked, "Do you love me?"

He rested his forearms on my shoulders, pulling me to him. I felt his whiskered face rub my hair. Then, I heard him whisper, "Yes, god help us, I do love you, rock-in-the-shoe that you are."

And there we stayed, in one another's arms, at arm's length. Zelda is four-years-old now and mimics Blue Eye's limp perfectly, much to my horror. We live apart but remain a family. It doesn't get any better or any worse than this.