Unattached

"Okay," Elliot responded, unsure of where she was going with the conversation.

"Look, Elliot. I know you said that you wanted to come home because you loved me, but I think that you just wanted a comfort zone. A place that made you feel safe, because everything in your life was not going the way you planned."

"Kath, I don't understand. What's going on?"

"I know what's happening at work, I know what happened with Olivia, and I think that's why you want to come home, not because you love me, but because you love the image of me."

"How do you know about that? Who told you?"

"You did," Noting his confused expression, she continued, "You talk in your sleep, generally about all your problems. How do you think I know when something's bothering you? Not because you tell me, or I can see it in you, I hear it when you sleep."

"I still don't understand. What has Olivia got to do with us?" Elliot asked, exasperated.

Annoyed at Elliot's lack of understanding, Kathy spoke clearly and loudly, "Everything Elliot, everything."

Elliot repeated, "I don't understand," he was beginning to feel like a huge idiot, not to mention and broken record, and it annoyed him greatly.

"Don't interrupt, I'm going to say this once and that's all," she waited for Elliot's nod before continuing the conversation that would change their relationship forever, "Elliot, you asked to come home. You told me things that every woman wants to hear, that you loved me, that you wanted to hold me, that you would never be the same without me, and you told me that things would change. Less office hours, not answering calls at midnight, no working overtime. You told me we could be a real family, and for a while we were. We had meals together, we talked, we made out like teenagers, and we were happy," she paused before saying quietly, "At least I thought we were."

"What do you mean? We are happy."

"Elliot, how can you be so oblivious? We're not happy, we might have been in the beginning, but then you started to go back to work. You stayed later, you took calls, and we fell back into the old pattern, that I was just a person to hold you at night, when the demons you fought came out. I want to be more than that, I wanted our family to be real, for us to actually be together. But it didn't happen, you fell back into your old ways, and I couldn't handle that. I made life hell for you, just so you would know that I didn't like that you spent more time at work than you used to. But you in all your ignorant glory didn't understand, and you spent more time at work. I guess you can say that my fabulous plan backfired."

"But Kathy, can't we try again. You just said that your plan backfired. Maybe we can just be us?"

"Arrgg," Kathy groaned in frustration, Elliot could really be an imbecile when it came to relationships, "Elliot, did you even listen to what I've just been saying? We won't work out because I can't have you only when it's convenient and you won't give me anything else. Look, we tried and we failed. It's time to move on."

Elliot, finally understand, put up no fight. "I guess, I'll pack my stuff again."

"Hey, you can stay till the end of the week, give you some time to find a place. And one word of advice, talk to Olivia. What you're doing to her is tearing her up inside and it's hurting you also. I'm not the one you want, she is. Let her know that before it is too late."

With those parting words, Kathy left Elliot to his now very confused thoughts.

As he sat there, he pondered her words. Did he really want Olivia? Was the feeling that he had for her love? It had been unidentifiable, and Elliot feared to label it so he had pushed it aside, but whenever he saw her, and saw what damage he had done to her, he felt a deep sadness come over him, and this feeling had been the cause of his reason to hurt her.

Unable to handle that she was hurting, and in the process of her hurting, she had been hurting him inadvertently, he had lashed out at her, continually hurting her. But Kathy had said that he had loved the image of her, and she was right. He loved the image of mother, wife and companion but he hadn't really loved her. No, he had loved Olivia. He had loved her, and he had not realized it.

He didn't understand; how could everyone but him see that Olivia was in love with him? How could people see that he loved her also? How could he have made the biggest mistake of his life? How could they have let him do it? He didn't understand, but through his confusion he had come to realize one vitally important thing. He had lost Olivia once before, and he would be damned if he lost her again.

With a sudden conviction, he grabbed his phone, keys and jacket and raced out of the house, not noticing Kathy who stood in the hall.

"Go after her, Elliot, and good luck," she whispered softly, watching her ex-husband peel out of the driveway at an alarming speed.

For hours, he drove around the city. First, he went to her apartment, but no one appeared to be there. Next he called her cell, it went straight to voice-mail. Then he drove to the station house, figuring she might be finishing some of the paperwork that littered their desks. Unable to find her there, he drove to every bar that he knew she had ever visited. When that struck out, he called Munch, and asked if he knew where Olivia was. Munch, had told him that Olivia had left earlier and she presumed she had gone home.

Driving, once again, to her apartment, Elliot wondered what he would actually say to her. After all he had put her through, he was certain that she would never want to be with him.

When he arrived, he saw a person exiting her building, and he raced to reach the door before it closed. Slipping in just before it closed, he ran to the elevator, and pushed the button for the third floor. The journey seemed to take forever, and Elliot anxiously ran his hand through his hair. As the doors opened, he took a deep breath. The excitement of his revelation, the conviction with which he had started the journey vanished. Suddenly, he was unsure what he was doing here, and with a desperate sigh, he returned to the elevator and proceeded downstairs to his car, and back to his house, ignoring the sensation that was burning in his chest, and the voice in his head saying that he was making another huge mistake.

For now, he would be her friend. For now, he would woo her without her knowing it. For now, he would keep this to himself.