Thank you all for the reviews! Sorry it took long for me to update, but I just couldn't get this chapter right. I hope it's at least all right for now. Hopefully you guys will find it satisfying. Hehehe... Anyway, if any of you haven't watched 'Devil's Trap' I suggest you don't read this because it obtains spoilers, though I'm pretty sure you all might know this already. I forgot to mention this story takes place after 'Devil's Trap' but I'm sure you already figured that one out. Hopefully. Well, enjoy!
Four months ago Sam had pushed back the chair from his brother's hospital bed, stood up, and walked out. Four months ago he had stared at his father, stood firm and tall in front of the man, and told him he was leaving. Four months ago Sam had left his brother and father behind him, believing things would be better for them all.
He did not know if they would forgive him; if they would ever forget what he did that day. His life was such a disaster. Everything was wrong… and he knew that no matter what he chose to do it would still feel, in some way, amiss to him.
He tried to forget the day he said goodbye. He preoccupied his mind with other things. He didn't go back to school, for school reminded him of Jess. He didn't hunt, for hunting reminded him of his brother and father. He simply traveled the roads, having bought an old car a few weeks after he tired of buses, taxis, and trains. He put as much distance between himself and his family as he could, his estimates of their locations not nearly accurate, but good enough to keep them from meeting on the road. And he never saw the demon. Not once, for he kept well away from the evil he had witnessed from such a young age.
But his mind constantly drifted back to that one day. Three days after the accident…
Sam stepped into his father's room. Though the man had been conscious for the past two days, the young Winchester had spent most of his time by his brother's side. Dean, unfortunately, had not woken up yet.
His hands were shaking as he prepared to tell his father, the only other person who truly shared in his resentment towards the demon, that he was leaving; saying goodbye at such a critical time simply because he was scared. Terrified of the future he knew would surely befall them if he were to stay. Sick of seeing his family in pain and fearing they would be killed right before his very eyes.
He expected his father to be furious, even though the man was lying in a hospital bed, his body too weak to stand. Sam silently walked in and stood by his side. "I'm leaving dad."
John looked up at his son. "Excuse me?" His voice was weak but rough.
"I'm going." The older man simply stared at Sam, his face expressionless as he waited for more of a response. Sam hesitated. "I-I can't do it dad. I can't go on like this. The demon… I know we have one bullet left but, if this all happened because of me… maybe I should just leave. It probably wants me to come after it, I mean…" He didn't know what else to say.
John Winchester simply looked away. He stared straight ahead and didn't say another word. It was almost as if he were dismissing his son.Sam knew his words were not enough to make his father understand, and he knew this from experience. Simply thinking of the demon made the blood in Sam's veins bubble. It had murdered his mother and the love of his life. It had almost killed his brother, tortured Dean right in front of him as he had stood helpless. Putting the demon behind him had been almost as difficult as saying goodbye.
Sam couldn't see the emotions his father felt but he knew they were there, and his father hiding them was something Sam had not counted on. He should have been furious, giving Sam an 'order' to remain on task. To continue to hunt the demon until they killed it, or it killed them. But now the man before him appeared to be defeated… blank… expressionless. This frightened Sam beyond belief and a sinking feeling formed in the pit of his stomach as he took his leave and exited the hospital room as silently as he had entered.
A million thoughts ran through the young Winchester's head as he walked down the bare hallway and found himself standing before another door, the room dark and quiet behind it. His hand rested on the doorknob and he remained still for an amount of time, his mind uncertain as to what to do next. Suddenly his hand dropped from the handle and hung limply by his side. "Goodbye Dean," was all he said, all he managed to whisper, before he continued down the hallway and out of his life.
The guilt had almost torn Sam apart but he had made excuses to help stifle the pain and self accusations. He knew there was no justification in his decision to abandon his family, but he somehow convinced himself it was better this way. There were days, however, when he questioned his choice, wondering how in hell he had simply abandoned the only two people in the world he cared about. On these days he answered himself with a hundred explanations, claiming…
It was the right thing to do.
Revenge would have gotten us all killed
This is how it's supposed to be.
They're safer now.
The demon wanted me to come for it. It was a trap.
I can't bare to lose them…
Though he found his reasons somewhat lacking credibility, he countered with the fact that his absence would help protect his family. The demon wouldn't go after them. The demon wanted Sam, making him a hazard around the people he cared about; a beacon to the shadows in the darkness that only attracted pain and grief. Though he did worry his brother and father would find the demon again, shivering sometimes to know he wouldn't be there to back them up, he decided that it was safer for them when he wasn't around. Because horrible things seemed to happen when he was around...
"I wanna know why."
Unimaginable things…
"Why did you do it?"
So many people lost their lives because of him…
"You mean why I killed mommy and pretty little Jess?"
The burden was sometimes crushing…
"Yeah."
Because they'd still be alive…
"You wanna know why?"
Jess would graduate from college…
"Because they got in the way."
Dean would have a home…
"In the way of what?"
His father would have Mary…
"My plans for you, Sammy."
It was his fault…
"You and all the children like you."
Sam had killed them…
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
The music echoed in the alley for a moment after the backdoor had shut, and Dean clumsily stepped down the concrete stairs. His back sunk against the dirty brick wall as his face tilted upwards and he let out a long sigh. The cold air was a nice break from the smoke infested smog within the bar, and he closed his eyes as he let the atmosphere slowly unclear the haze from his head.
There was a stunningly attractive girl waiting for him inside the bar but his mind did not dwell long on her. She was the third woman this week. This was the thirteenth bar this month. The past twenty weeks were a blur in Dean's mind; a mixture of woman, alcohol, and of course, hunting. He was on his way to the eleventh job he had worked in the last four months, and he was sure there were plenty more to come. He had begun to enjoy hunting so much more now. It was better alone. He could do things his way now, without Sam as his conscience or his father as his drill sergeant.
Yet even though Dean tried to assure himself that the life he was living now was better than the one he had fought so hard to keep, the anguish within him was making it unbearably hard to continue living it. It cut into his very being, making him doubt all he had once stood for and believed in. He knew Sam had not gone back to college. His father was missing again but Dean had decided not to search for him or his brother. There was really no reason to do so. All feelings of revenge, the thoughts that had once encased his mind and included killing the demon, were now gone. They were carried solely by his father now, because Dean had abandoned all thoughts and dreams he once had shortly after he realized he had been abandoned hismelf.
He didn't think much of the future, and even though his mind continued to slip back to the past, Dean tried desperately to focus on the present. Now there was only him. Not even his Impala was with him anymore, the last link to his father and brother. His entire life was a mess and now his mind was whirling with thoughts and memories of what he wanted back so badly, but hated at the same time because he knew he shouldn't want it back. Because what he wanted had abandoned him and left him to live his life alone. To die alone, because Dean may have survived the car crash, but a part of him had also died that day. Snuffed out like a small, flickering candle on a windy, dark night.
A soft sound sent Dean's senses into alert and he stood up from his comfortable position on the wall. The noise had come from his right and he squinted in the darkness to make out what had caused it. Footsteps. He heard footsteps and suddenly there were three figures standing before him, there silhouettes dark and dangerous in the dim glow of the alley's flickering light.
His body in stance mode, Dean looked from figure to figure and was surprised when he heard one of them let out a low, amused laugh. As he was about to snarl out a nasty remark, one of them stepped forward and revealed themselves. A vampire. Dean remembered her. She was Luthor's mate, the one they had used to try to bargain for the colt. Behind her were two others, both male and probably vampires too. He didn't recognize them.
Dean's body relaxed slightly, his judgment still hazy from the alcohol he had consumed earlier. "Oh great. Not you again," he chuckled. "You here for revenge sweetheart? You want to avenge your man's death? Go ahead." Dean took a stride forward and faced the three vampires, spreading his arms out wide. "I'm here for the taking."
The female vampire smiled but the other two looked slightly nervous. "Kate, there's only one of them." The taller one whispered. "The other two could be anywhere. Maybe they knew we were coming and they're waiting inside and-"
"I seriously doubt that." Dean's voice abruptly cut in. The Winchester's tone had suddenly grown a cold edge and he was now gazing at the three silent vampires through impatient eyes, his head bent dangerously low.
Kate laughed. "So you're alone?"
"I'm alone and loving it baby." Dean answered, raising his head. He took a step forward. "I mean, now I actually get to have some fun, yah know?" He took another step. "The others, they just slowed me down. Now I get to do whatever I want." He was standing directly before the group of vampires now, his eyes looking down at Kate and a smile playing across his lips. What he said next was spoken slowly, his mouth forming each word dramatically. "Now I get to be bad."
Kate looked doubtful for a moment and the other two vampires let out low growls, but she quickly silenced them with a raise of her hand and tilted her head to the side. A playful flicker shone in her eyes as she smiled, her tongue running across the tip of her teeth. "You wanna have some fun baby? I can show you how to have fun."