Chapter 4: Nobody's Girl

So you're wondering; what the hell was Lily up to in the last chapter? I will answer your question if you will do the following: Remember that this is all the creation of J. K. Rowling, and not me, leave me a review at the end, and enjoy the chapter!

By the way; to understand why I named the chapter the way I did, just read on and it will make sense at the end. :D There's a reason to chapter names when I make them up; there always is.

The bed was really warm.

It was comfortable too.

I liked it.

But I didn't know where I was.

What had happened?

How much time had passed?

This was weird.

What was wrong with me?

It was time to answer these questions now. I was not a damsel in distress. I could take care of myself, and it was time to do so.

I sighed, and got out of the bed. I realized now that I was in James's room; the first thing I saw was the photo of Sirius feeding insects to James. I asked myself again; what had happened to me? I remembered feeling really strange, but after that, I was blank. Maybe if I went back downstairs, someone would be able to explain the situation to me.

When I reached the dining room at last (it was quite difficult to navigate through such a gigantic house by yourself), everyone was already seated around the table, talking. James saw me first; he abandoned his food and rushed over to me, his eyes alight with worry.

"Are you all right, Lil? You passed out on me!"

"Yeah, I'm fine," I said. "I passed out?"

"Lily, come here," Mum said, coming over to take me back to her chair. "You were just having some stomach problems, weren't you?"

"Yes, that was it," I said, not sure if it was or not. "I happens to me a lot, Mrs. Potter; don't worry." I had noticed her expression of alarm and relief, and I felt the need to settle it.

"We're glad you're all right, Lily," Mr. Potter said. "James was a little hysterical. Would you like something to eat?"

"Nonsense!" Mum hugged me to the point where my breathing was challenged and plopped me down on the seat next to her. "My Lily bear is going to sit right here and eat only as much as her stomach will allow her to."

"Thanks Mum, but really, I can't eat anything right now," I told her. "If I could have some water, that would be great though."

Mrs. Potter turned around so that my mother couldn't see and charmed me a glass of water. "There you are, dear. Do you need anything else?"

I didn't really like this type of attention; I was more grateful Mr. Potter's nonchalance. Still, I smiled, shook my head, and stayed put in my spot. James's anxious eyes kept seeking mine out, but I avoided them; I didn't really have much to say, and giving him the opportunity to talk to him was out of the question right now.

Conversation returned after I sat in silence for a few minutes, and at one point, my mother's hand brushed against mine; they were ice cold. I couldn't help but ask, "Mum, were you the one who lifted me up?"

"Yes," she said. "Why?"

"Your hands are freezing," I said. "The last thing I remembered was a pair of cold hands before I blanked out."

"Oh, I'm sorry," she said. "Are you sure you don't want to eat anything, Lils?"

"Yes, I'm sure," I confirmed. I then looked around, confused. "Do you know where Petunia is, by any chance? I just noticed that she's not here."

"Her friend rescued her from next door; she's there for the rest of the evening," Mum said, looking quite humiliated. "She threw a bit of a fit, and we'll fetch her after we're done here."

"Oh," I said. "Well, that was mighty rude of her, and I do apologize on her behalf," I addressed Mr. and Mrs. Potter. "My sister is, regrettably, the most asinine creature to walk this planet, and I do hope you aren't offended by her frightful behavior."

Mr. Potter began to guffaw heartily. "Look at you and your apologies! What a hoot!'

Mrs. Potter gave him a playfully irritated look, but smiled at me. "It's quite all right; I could see that she was bored, and I'm glad that she has something to do."

She was far too kind; Petunia did not deserve to be in the company of such a person. I didn't say this though; I went back to sipping my water and tried to change the subject. James, trying to assist me, began to talk about the outrageous thing Sirius had told him the other day; it was something about making out with a girl he had met, only to discover that she was his cousin.

"James, we are eating!" Mrs. Potter scolded him. "Please! Can't you tell us something about Sirius that doesn't involve kissing?"

"That's Sirius's hobby, Mum," James said, shrugging. "It'll be difficult to come up with something."

Mrs. Potter rolled her eyes. "Do make other friends, James; having only three is pitiful."

"James has lots of friends," I volunteered. "At school, he knows everyone, and he's always surrounded by a gaggle of admirers. Besides that, he's really outgoing, so people warm up to him immediately." I had been the sole exception to that, but I wasn't about to admit that I wasn't anymore.

He flashed me a grateful smile and I smiled back, my chest fluttering madly and my stomach tightening again. I turned back to Mrs. Potter quickly, not wanting all these emotions to haunt me again. She was considering what I had said, and began to contradict me.

"I haven't seen anyone besides those three boys in this house in two years," she said. "You're the first girl we've had in a while."

"That's odd, because James is always dating at Hogwarts," I said, looking over at him with curiosity.

"Well, yes, but right now, I don't quite fancy anyone," he explained, his cheeks red again. "The only girl I like won't have me." Maybe it was just me, but I got a meaningful look as he said this. I turned my head away to the side, trying to ignore it. No, no, this wasn't what it felt like. If I made a move, it would be utterly humiliating because I was not what he wanted. No, no, no…this was going all wrong again. This couldn't be happening.

"Who is this lucky little lady?" Mum asked interestedly.

"I can't say," James said. "But I like her. Quite a lot."

"Can I be excused?" I requested suddenly. "I-I have to go to the loo." I didn't wait for a response; I just jumped off and ran in the direction of the bathroom. I needed to be alone, and it was the only room in the house where I was guaranteed privacy.

Once there, I locked the door, and paced around the tiny room. What was I supposed to do? This was going all screwy again; how would I deal with this? I had to be honest with myself; that was all that I could do. Admit the whole truth to myself in the safety of this bathroom. I looked at my face in the mirror and tried to say the words that I was trying to avoid.

"I love you, James," I whispered.

How good it sounded; I had been longing to say those four words together in one sentence for such a long time. I hadn't wanted to believe it, and I still didn't; I had only said it. Saying it and trusting it were two very diverse things. I sighed, trying to calm myself. Yes, I had said that I loved him. But what did that mean? I wasn't sure.

Okay, I had caught myself again. Loving him meant that I wanted to be his girl. I wanted to spend all my time with him and let him kiss me four hundred times a day. I was not the same as his other twittering girlfriends, and he knew it; we wouldn't be one of those break-it-off-in-three-weeks types of couples because our feelings for each other didn't work that way. Yes, I let myself say; I wanted to be his girl because that was what the chief emotion in all this – apparently called love – told me to do.

Ugh; no more fuzzy moments. I had to get back with reality again. I was not going to be James Potter's girl. I don't love him, he doesn't love me, and we are not going to share anything more than our tiny little kiss outside my front door. Whatever feelings I may have are irrelevant and insignificant; they are just silly little emotions from a girl who really needs to get her emotions straight. That's how it really is. That's how it is supposed to be.

I walked out of the bathroom, feeling like I had accomplished something, which I had; I had finally figured out what my emotions for James were. Things would be easier now. All I had to do was remember what I had realized in the bathroom. I wasn't his girl. I was just Lily Evans; I was nobody's girl and that is how I wanted it to be. I didn't need a guy to feel complete. I could be alone and still function.

As I approached the dining room, I was ready to be normal again. I just had to remember that I was nobody's girl. I liked the ring of that; it sounded independent and free. Nobody's girl. I wasn't going to be anybody's girl because I didn't need to be; I didn't love anyone that way and it wasn't vital for me to.

I was nobody's girl, and no one – not even James Potter – could change that.